Persuading DH that antenatal classes are important

[Netball01]

Hi ladies - I want to book an antenatal course (bumps & babies) and my usually supportive husband is absolutely adamant that it’s all a waste of time & money and is saying he won’t go.

We are the first in our family and friendship circle to have a baby so I’ve got no one whose been & can help change his mind.

Has anyone been in this situation and been able to persuade them ?

I was hoping it would be a chance to make some friends as well but feel like it will be embarrassing attending alone when I have a husband (different for single mums of course but it’s humiliating when there’s no valid reason for him not to come).

We didn’t attend classes with either of ours, we’re not joiners.
Our daughter and her husband didn’t. There were none, Covid.
All was well 🤷‍♀️

I think you need to emphasise that it is important to you that he goes, as he is going to be your birth partner and will need to be able to advocate for you.

I also think emphasising meeting people who are having babies at the same time is good, as it’s people to share challenges etc with.

Ignore the posts massively reading into it, he probably just CBA to sit in a church hall and listen to information he feels he already knows for £350. Which even as the pregnant one I think I could sympathise with!

I sometimes think dads struggle to relate to the reality of actually having a baby until it’s here, they are so unaffected by pregnancy…!

Instead of the meetings how about watching some YouTube videos on pregnancy and birth? I don't blame him for not wanting to go to the meetings.

You could always go alone, just say your husband has to work if anyone asks.

It's not about the information - you could find that easier online or in any decent book on the subject. People do these courses for social reasons and the OP has been quite clear that this is a big part of why she is doing it. I don't think that is unreasonable either, having not bothered with the courses and then felt envious when other mums arrived at baby group with a ready made new-mum social group and I had to start from scratch.

Absolutely go, these are mostly about making friends with people who will be giving birth at the same time as you, and because of that, are worth every penny.

As an aside, his attitude is very worrying. I'm sorry to say a decent person would be supporting your wishes here.

I didn’t attend classes and I don’t think they would have served any purpose for me.

I would have expected my partner to attend with me if I had gone as a support to me.

I think that is the problem here, he is dismissing you and not being there to support you.

Bump and baby were awesome for us and everyone attended as a couple, and socialise dfor the next few years. Just register - it’s a per couples registration, and clearly and regularly express your disappointment at his lack of supportiveness. ‘I’ve registered, they start in a month, I wonder how many others will be in thr same boat as me- with husbands that visibly don’t give a shit about their partners or how to care for their baby.’ ‘I’m talking to mum on Saturday, thinking of asking her to be my birth partner. She’s really interested and supportive, I need someone who cares how I’m feeling.’

If he understands the birth process/ options, he'll be better placed to advocate for you when you're in pain and not necessarily able to articulate what you need to doctors. This was something that DH didnt do especially well when I was in labour.

I think you are over reacting and being unfair.

I did NCT for our first and found it useful but not essential. I'd say 50% of my friends/family did some sort of antenatal class and 50% didn't. The 50% who didn't, have a managed to look after babies just as good. There is nothing in these antenatal classes you can't do your own homework on. I find the benefit is the social side and having other mums to meet up with after.

You say he has no valid reason not to go, but surely if he really doesn't want to then he has a say? It' not fair to force him to do something that is not essential or important for some people. Why are his feelings on it not valid? You can go by yourself. There was a single mum and a woman who came by herself in my NCT and it didn't make any difference, so judgement. 98% of the meetups after the babies were just the mums anyway! I don't know why you'd feel embarrassed.

My husband would have never seen the point in those.

He didn't come to any antenatal classes. He came to the appointment with the midwife where she explained the usual progression of a birth and paid close attention then.

He was and is a brilliant birthing partner, a brilliant father and a brilliant husband.

And in fact, his this-is-pointless-attitude towards much hype (of weddings, of birth and baby Blabla, of Valentine's Day) has saved as much time, nerves and money over the years.

Don't read into this specifically, look at the big picture. Presumably you are having kids with this man for excellent reasons.

Okay interesting mix of views on how useful the classes are - neither of us have even held a baby before so even a tiny insight into anything baby related is better than the zero knowledge we have now !! I also have a major phobia of hospitals so am absolutely dreading giving birth.

To the PP who said I was being unfair saying he didn’t have a valid reason for not doing it - when he says it’s a waste of time what he means is it’s a waste of time when he could be out cycling with his mates.

I think I will book onto it anyway & see if he changes his mind a bit closer to the time.

I really like this

DH and I have just attended a free class this morning unfortunately we were the only ones booked on (would help if the NHS advertised these things!) he wasn't sure what to expect but actually found it really useful. I knew most of what we were told already but DH is completely clueless when it comes to babies and it opened his eyes to how he needs to step up and support me which he is thankfully 100% up for.
I'm not paying for NCT as have heard some quite negative reviews from our area but we are attending another free class online this time though about birth. Again he knows nothing at all so think it'll give him an insight and help him not panic when it's happening..
I do believe it's hard for men as they feel on the peripheral sometimes and like they can't do much but hearing a professional give them advice and a job to do can really help..in my opinion anyway..However they do need to be a bit interested in the first place maybe try a free online class first, it might peak his interest.

I really really hope for your sake that he doesn’t also think doing dishes and washing clothes or cuddling a crying baby and changing nappies and making tea is a waste of time when he could be cycling instead.

I don't think that's fair. I didn't pay for any antenatal classes myself.

Our hospital offered two sessions, and a separate session about breastfeeding. We both attended all of them together but I personally wouldn't have paid for any antenatal course.

**I was prepared for antenatal classes to be a waste of time but I did pick up several obscure bits of information (the ones they introduce by saying 'this is v unlikely to happen but'...) that turned out to be valuable because I had a difficult birth. Also useful for DH to join because I could not advocate for myself fully in the state I was in.

Unless your DH is a midwife or gynae Dr I'd be pretty unimpressed with him declining to come along.

I don’t know if this appeals to you but DH and I did an online course together - the positive birth company hypnobirthing one. You just watch videos. We also had a midwife come to our house for a session. Neither of us fancied the usual group options so the online course and private session worked well.

Very much this.

I think you need a serious talk about life after the baby gets home, never mind ante natal classes.

I don't think the classes are a big deal (although if you're both as new to babies as you say, they certainly won't help), but his attitude is worrying.

Spell out to him that you are pregnant, anxious about the birth and that you need his support in this as your husband. You would also like him to learn as much as he can about being a father to his baby.

Then go read the thread in Relationships with "nagging" in the title, and find your resolve to demand that he doesn't shirk his responsibilities.

Then spell out to him that fathering will mean a dramatic reduction in the time he has for cycling, that he doesn't get to continue with life as it was while every aspect of your life changes. Once things settle down (i.e. once you're well enough to leave and when you're able to leave the baby if breastfeeding) you will be expecting equal time off to him, and you expect him to be able to change a nappy, feed a bottle and soothe a crying baby just as well as you.

I don't think the classes are particularly important, but it is good to make friends in the same situation as you.

The only class that was useful for DH was the Labour and delivery one.

We went to the NHS classes that were free.

Didn't make any friends. Wasn't looking to anyway. I didn't have anything other than a bump in common with the others there.

This. When I had DS1 my ex was like this and didn't engage. It's why he is my ex. It got worse from that point and it was all a lonely experience - worsened by the fact I hadn't made female friends going through the experience via such classes. For DS2 and 3 things were very different and I chose to 'rewrite history' going to NCT with my partner. It was valuable and I made some great friends. More importantly classes made my partner engage properly with the process rather than the potential of dismissing it all as 'women's business' as my ex did, (as opposed to the joint venture it should be). It's shocking that some men still take this position and I was uninformed enough not to have properly checked that out before getting pregnant first time round sadly. I do hope yours manages to change his mindset OP.

For lots of us, we never got to do antenatal classes, during the Covid years! So I don't think they are essential. I did do a virtual breastfeeding class, a hypnobirthing course and a general baby care class instead though.
If it's something you want to do, yes he should be supportive. my husband would be similar in terms of wondering if it's necessary, but he would do it for me, I think.

I went to antenatal classes alone, lots of other coupled up mums to be did. Most employers are ok allowing mums to be flexibility to go, but not dads to be.

I have to admit I found them very basic and my DH he took the approach of he has no say in childbirth and that once I had a birth plan and preferences, he would ‘defend it to the death’ and would be by my side every step of the way and making sure he repeated or amplified any of my requests during labour. So really he didn’t need to read up on forceps or ventiouse, gas and air or epidural- he felt his opinion as to what is best would get in the way of doing what I wanted. He felt his role was to be my champion.

It worked for us. He was great at the births and is a fantastic dad from newborn on. He did as much reading as I on baby care and parenting though…as he and I agreed that ‘mum knows best’ is a cop out, that often leaves mum doing it all…

Call his bluff - schedule a birth and postnatal planning session and ask him to come prepared.

YY to lining up an alternative birth partner and going to the course with them or solo.

Make sure he hears your raving about how kind it is of Dan and Steve (dads from the antenatal class) to offer to help you put the cot together