Rude staff made me upset before seeing my Midwife

[Lilybx0810]

Before I start, I am 31 weeks pregnant with our first baby and have had plenty of appointments before the one I had yesterday. So i am pretty aware of the process, however this experience had caused me so much anxiety and upset and I just need some advice 🥺

I came for our 31 weeks midwife appointment 2:30pm. The kind reception lady checked us in and told me to do a urine sample which i did as soon as we got in but was struggling so i waited about 10 mins total and managed to get a sample. During this time, my husband who was outside in the busy waiting area with many other pregnant ladies said a woman called for me and when he said i was in the toilet he saw her short fused and rolled her eyes. I was in there for 10 mins max, the same woman who I found out is the one to take my Blood pressure, CO2 and check urine sample. when I came out the toilet to see her there is no hello and complete coldness but the first thing she says was “where have you been i have been looking for you.. (my husband already told her i was in the toilet) there is a strict appointment time and you have been wasting time, more 15 minutes in the toilet” at this point my husband walks in because she is talking very loud that everyone sitting outside can hear.. and he had a feeling and knew from earlier when she asked where I was and she rolled her eyes at him that she would say something to me, so he spoke up because he could here her blaming me for doing a urine sample that they asked for? My husband clearly sees i’m upset and this woman who was completely rude a second ago uses a quiet voice and tells him he is now the one wasting time when infact she was rude to begin with. You would think being in the antenatal appointments ward, you would be kind and welcoming to women whoever comes through the door set a good mood when dealing with highly emotional and heavily pregnant women.. I guess not for her. She tells him to sit in the open waiting area. After taking my BP which was obviously high because she had upset me beforehand she asks me “do you notice your BP high at home, even during the weekend?” trying to deflect and gaslight me that there could be other reasons other than HER upsetting me a few minutes before for the high BP reading!!. Now i am not a confrontational person and i just wanted her to hurry up so I kept quiet (i wish i had said something but i was trying my hardest not to cry) so i wouldn’t have to speak to her again after this, but she kept on talking to me like a child. I have always had normal a BP at all my appointments. She then does the CO2 machine which i have done at least 4 times before during my appointments and again speaks to me like i don’t know what it is and that i should keep blowing harder for next time.. the reading comes back normal. I have done the same as what other assistants told me before and no complaints. She is still very cold and blunt and I’m progressively trying not to cry at this point. At the end after checking my urine which turns out had a small trace of protein and would need to be sent for more testing (again blaming me and telling me i should drink more water) I burst out crying and instead of acknowledging she is the reason for upsetting me she says “why are you crying? Is this your first baby?” I said yes in which she replies “no wonder you are highly emotional, it is your first baby” holding no accountability and making me feel silly for crying as a response to her lack of care. I then stand up and she’s leading the way to our midwife through the waiting area with mums seeing i am upset with tears now falling from my eyes (i feel very embarrassed at this point) and my husband is now even more angry, the head of the staff sees what is going on and the woman now had changed her tone and pretends she has done nothing wrong infront of her “i have done nothing wrong, she is late for her appointment so i was just telling her” acting as if my husband is the one in the wrong for pulling up on her bad attitude. If he wasn’t there then it would be her word against mine and she would have twisted it like it was my fault that i am in tears and upset for no reason. The head of staff apologises and says it is not her duty to tell pregnant women they are late or to made feel it is any blame to be in the toilet when we have asked for a urine sample. She even said people are humans, women can be late, they can take time in the toilet but we at least speak to them and ask how they are because people go through things everyday. We felt better after that however, both her and my Midwife who are repeatedly apologising on her behalf has mentioned to take it up to PALS if we wanted to.. my question is should we? I have never complained or had a bad experience with NHS like this before and i don’t know if this is just a waste of time, i am also now anxious for my 34 weeks midwife appointment in which she will be the one to take my BP etc. again. We had a wonderful midwife appointment as usual, where we heard baby’s heartbeat again and measuring well within the graph and I will say other staff like the ladies where I dropped off urine samples were lovely and continued to apologise on behalf of her and suggested that she was just having a long bad day and must have just taken her frustration out on me. It is just a shame just one person ruined my morning and even when we left she could not come up to us and apologise herself.

I hear stories all the time of women (myself as a ethnic woman) being mistreated but i did not think I would ever have a bad experience and let alone by another ethnic woman who is much older than me.
Please any advice would help. Thankyou! ☺️

True, i decided that i wouldn't go to the PALS desk and just let it go, as i’m sure she was spoken to already but if this happens again on my nxt appointment I may have to bring it up again. Here’s to hoping for a better nxt appt :)

She was a bit brusque because you kept her waiting. Not worth crying over. Everyone knows that you need to give a urine sample so IMO you should have prepared for that by drinking enough in the first place.

Thanks for your reply and advice :) honestly i didn’t even know about PALS until they mentioned it as I know this is an emotional time and since i am not a confrontational person i didn’t know how to handle this. Yes overall the staff are great i guess it was just a bad moment not a bad day 😅 I’m just hoping for next time it will be a better experience as all the previous ones had been just fine x

Thankyou! i hadn’t known about PALS before it had been brought up so it did make me think, this couldn't have been the first time. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps someone has spoken to her already and hope we have a better interaction for next time :)

I worked most of my life in front line health and social care and I’m sorry but attitude and care is very important. Everyone can have a bad day but some people are just areseholes.

Tbh I'd be annoyed too with you taking 10 mins in the bathroom. Everyone else after you will now have had to wait even longer to see the consultant because of you. If you couldn't go, you couldn't go surely. Instead of wasting time in the toilet you could've been in your appointment having your other observations measured.

Not sure what you'd report to PALS other than you didn't like the way she spoke to you? Which I agree she wasn't very friendly but it could have been avoided if you had drank more water beforehand/didn't waste so much time. No need to bring your ethnicity into it🙄

I was thinking that the boss has probably said this because the woman has form and they are looking for ways to prove it/back up what they know.

Honestly, no.

You were late for a busy clinic.

You spent 10 mins in the loo - how can it take 10 minutes ? - not having taken a sample with you.

"highly emotional pregnant women" makes it sound like you think you should act highly emotional.

"gas lighting" She wasn't gas lighting, she asked a perfectly valid medical question about your blood pressure.

And then you started crying over not much, which to her may have seemed like an act to seek attention.

Kindly - you are a grown up. The NHS is busy with a few minutes allocated to each patient for some pretty straightforward checks. Yes,they should be supportive of you but patients also need to do their bit, co-operate, not cause delays etc. You probably caused 10-15 mins delay for everyone who had appointments after you.

Bursting into tears at the slightest thing is not going to help during birth or when you have your child. You and the NHS need to work as a team to deliver you and your baby safely through the process. Getting in to an argument with them is not helpful for anyone.

Love this reply! Thanks, and that’s true we just want to go about our day. I definitely tried not to let it seep through my day and all is okay. Next time will be better as I’ll be polite too. Thanks :)

Let it go. We all have bad days.

Yes, I think this too. They may even have experience of her being like this with other patients, and need patients to report her to PALS so that she is dealt with.

In all of this, you seem to be focussing on the role of this person and how she took no responsibility for causing you to be upset. Yet you don't seem to be taking any responsibility either.
You were late for your appointment. If you hadn't been late, she wouldn't have criticised you. You knew from previous appointments what the routine was so was there a reason you didn't turn up early for your appointment in case you weren't immediately ready to give a urine sample? These appointments are always ridiculously short and we all know the NHS is on its knees. Surely as a patient you do what you can to keep the system running smoothly as possible by being on time (if not early) and ready.
When anyone is a bit short with me, I tend to just presume that they're having a bad day. Much as I try not to be, occasionally I can be a bit off with someone at work. My environment is different in that I can find them later or the next day to apologise. My environment is also different as, whilst my role is complex, it is dealing with things rather than people. Whilst MW are bringing much loved new babies into the world, they are also delivering news about miscarriages, potential abnormalities or other complications or be worrying about whether an exchange they have just witnessed between a women and her partner is abusive and all sorts of other things. These checks are there for a medical reason. Who knows what her previous appointments might have involved and what emotions this brusque behaviour might have been covering? Yes, it could be that she is just curt but perhaps you were just unlucky in catching her at this moment, Ultimately, though, this is a medical procedure. If you want warmth and fluff, go for a private scan.

gas lighting" She wasn't gas lighting, she asked a perfectly valid medical question about your blood pressure

I agree with this, you are choosing to label this interaction as toxic when it wasn't - just a brusque woman who reacted to you being late. We have all sat in a waiting room, whilst someone is being called for their appointment and it is frustrating.

Did you apologise for being late? A sorry at the outset may have helped to show you were aware that being late was an inconvenience for the clinic.

So many apologists for poor behaviour and unprofessionalism, which is very often the thin end of the wedge of poor care and bad practice in these kind of settings.

Utterly ridiculous drama! She might have been abrupt, and fair enough you were upset about that. However, she's probably also ridiculously busy.

I would be interested to hear it from her perspective and how intimidating your husband was.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are well and baby is well? I wonder if the audience of the waiting room you are on about knew your upset and tears was because you didn't.like midwifes tone? If I was in the waiting room and someone came out that upset and in floods of tears, I'd assume like me on my previous pregnancy had been told 'I'm so sorry we can't find a heartbeat'.

Yeah this. Not 'I was late for my appointment and was asked a normal medical question'

I think you’re getting some harsh responses here, OP. If any woman who has been pregnant can honestly say they’ve been able to respond to every single situation in a perfectly reasonable and well thought through manner at every single moment during their pregnancy, I won’t believe it for a second.

Yes you were unable to provide a urine sample at the drop of a hat - in my trust it’s also perfectly normal to be asked to do it when you get there, no expectation to bring one with you. But I’ve also seen when women aren’t immediately available because they’re in the toilet, the staff member comes back a minute later and just calls the next person.

You might have been more sensitive because most of us are during pregnancy. And she works with pregnant women and should know that this can cause upset and an increase in blood pressure, which we have very little conscious control over. I’m amazed that someone said it can’t have an impact. Of course it can! If OP was, rationally or not, feeling cornered/picked on/attacked, of course her body is going to go into a fight or flight response, one impact of which is higher blood pressure.

The fact that the rest of the staff were doing everything they could to make it up to you, and even suggested making a complaint, tells all of us that this was not just your perspective on the situation. They saw it too and agreed with you.

However, when considering making a complaint about anything (poor service, dodgy goods, etc) I always advise that you think about what the desired outcome would be, and whether a complaint is the way to achieve that. Do you want this woman to lose her job? Complain. Do you want her to be told she was wrong? They already did that - only complain if you want it to be more formal. Do you want her to just be nicer next time? Don’t complain, but go in with your most positive attitude and see what happens next. Just want the situation to go away? Don’t complain, it’ll prolong it.

I feel for you, OP, but when deciding about whether or not to make a complaint, always consider why you’re actually doing it.

Utterly uncalled for. Why be so unkind to OP?

OP our NHS is on its knees. We read about it and it's easy to feel the bad experiences happen to other people. At this appointment you perhaps got that brunt of it. Hope everything goes smoothly.

Because she massively overreacted to someone being brusque when she held up a busy clinic unnecessarily?

Oh bloody hell. Why does everything someone doesn't like now get called 'unkind' absolutely detest those berating words now!!

Describing someone who has been unkind as such isn’t a new thing. It’s also for most of us fairly rare. Perhaps be a bit more generous and you won’t hear it so much?

Oh Tome, how #unkind of you to post the above...

Sounds like you must have a lot on your plate at the moment. Going forwards, tackle what's making you emotional and upset step by step and be prepared and organised for future medical appointments to navigate these feelings of victimhood. You can't control other people but you can look to yourself and work on how to deal with situations. Work on why you expect to be treated a certain way and your reactions. Much more productive than festering over perceived ill treatment because in the long run you'll come across other scenarios which will also upset you otherwise.