Rude staff made me upset before seeing my Midwife

[Lilybx0810]

Before I start, I am 31 weeks pregnant with our first baby and have had plenty of appointments before the one I had yesterday. So i am pretty aware of the process, however this experience had caused me so much anxiety and upset and I just need some advice 🥺

I came for our 31 weeks midwife appointment 2:30pm. The kind reception lady checked us in and told me to do a urine sample which i did as soon as we got in but was struggling so i waited about 10 mins total and managed to get a sample. During this time, my husband who was outside in the busy waiting area with many other pregnant ladies said a woman called for me and when he said i was in the toilet he saw her short fused and rolled her eyes. I was in there for 10 mins max, the same woman who I found out is the one to take my Blood pressure, CO2 and check urine sample. when I came out the toilet to see her there is no hello and complete coldness but the first thing she says was “where have you been i have been looking for you.. (my husband already told her i was in the toilet) there is a strict appointment time and you have been wasting time, more 15 minutes in the toilet” at this point my husband walks in because she is talking very loud that everyone sitting outside can hear.. and he had a feeling and knew from earlier when she asked where I was and she rolled her eyes at him that she would say something to me, so he spoke up because he could here her blaming me for doing a urine sample that they asked for? My husband clearly sees i’m upset and this woman who was completely rude a second ago uses a quiet voice and tells him he is now the one wasting time when infact she was rude to begin with. You would think being in the antenatal appointments ward, you would be kind and welcoming to women whoever comes through the door set a good mood when dealing with highly emotional and heavily pregnant women.. I guess not for her. She tells him to sit in the open waiting area. After taking my BP which was obviously high because she had upset me beforehand she asks me “do you notice your BP high at home, even during the weekend?” trying to deflect and gaslight me that there could be other reasons other than HER upsetting me a few minutes before for the high BP reading!!. Now i am not a confrontational person and i just wanted her to hurry up so I kept quiet (i wish i had said something but i was trying my hardest not to cry) so i wouldn’t have to speak to her again after this, but she kept on talking to me like a child. I have always had normal a BP at all my appointments. She then does the CO2 machine which i have done at least 4 times before during my appointments and again speaks to me like i don’t know what it is and that i should keep blowing harder for next time.. the reading comes back normal. I have done the same as what other assistants told me before and no complaints. She is still very cold and blunt and I’m progressively trying not to cry at this point. At the end after checking my urine which turns out had a small trace of protein and would need to be sent for more testing (again blaming me and telling me i should drink more water) I burst out crying and instead of acknowledging she is the reason for upsetting me she says “why are you crying? Is this your first baby?” I said yes in which she replies “no wonder you are highly emotional, it is your first baby” holding no accountability and making me feel silly for crying as a response to her lack of care. I then stand up and she’s leading the way to our midwife through the waiting area with mums seeing i am upset with tears now falling from my eyes (i feel very embarrassed at this point) and my husband is now even more angry, the head of the staff sees what is going on and the woman now had changed her tone and pretends she has done nothing wrong infront of her “i have done nothing wrong, she is late for her appointment so i was just telling her” acting as if my husband is the one in the wrong for pulling up on her bad attitude. If he wasn’t there then it would be her word against mine and she would have twisted it like it was my fault that i am in tears and upset for no reason. The head of staff apologises and says it is not her duty to tell pregnant women they are late or to made feel it is any blame to be in the toilet when we have asked for a urine sample. She even said people are humans, women can be late, they can take time in the toilet but we at least speak to them and ask how they are because people go through things everyday. We felt better after that however, both her and my Midwife who are repeatedly apologising on her behalf has mentioned to take it up to PALS if we wanted to.. my question is should we? I have never complained or had a bad experience with NHS like this before and i don’t know if this is just a waste of time, i am also now anxious for my 34 weeks midwife appointment in which she will be the one to take my BP etc. again. We had a wonderful midwife appointment as usual, where we heard baby’s heartbeat again and measuring well within the graph and I will say other staff like the ladies where I dropped off urine samples were lovely and continued to apologise on behalf of her and suggested that she was just having a long bad day and must have just taken her frustration out on me. It is just a shame just one person ruined my morning and even when we left she could not come up to us and apologise herself.

I hear stories all the time of women (myself as a ethnic woman) being mistreated but i did not think I would ever have a bad experience and let alone by another ethnic woman who is much older than me.
Please any advice would help. Thankyou! ☺️

Honestly, it sounds like she could've been friendlier but I don't think she did much wrong. By the sounds of it you were late for your appointment, 10 minutes is a long time to spend in the toilet. If everyone was even 2 minutes late for their appointment it would cause a massive knock on effect. Is there any reason you didn't bring the urine sample with you? Every time I've had a midwife appointment over the years it's always been the case that you've taken your sample with you. From the moment she asked you where you had been you have nitpicked everything she said or did. The BP was a fair one, I can't see how her comment would have increased your BP that much.
In the nicest way possible let it go, you took this way more personal than it was. And if you know you need to do a urine sample at the appointment get there early enough to allow time to do so.

Tricky, but I’d maybe wait before making a complaint. I sounds like she was spoken to at you appointment and told the correct way to treat patients, so she’s sort of had a warning in a sense. Plus she may have been spoken to more formally after you left.
I’m really not confrontational and if I knew I had to have another appointment with her in a couple of weeks, I’d wait until after that appointment before making a complaint. Firstly to see if at the next appointment she acts nicely, like maybe she had just been having a really stressful day and she sadly took it out on you for being ‘late’. Secondly if I knew I’d have another appointment with her I wouldn’t want her knowing I’d just made a complaint as I’d fear she’d be even more off with me! But that’s my scared non-confrontational side taking over.
I do think it’s worth giving people a second chance though. See what she’s like at the next appointment and if there’s any hint of bad attitude or unkindness then make a complaint as you can say it was across two separate occasions, even though she’d already been told not to treat patients that way previously.

It’s not nice but they are there to provide medical services, not be lovely to you. Yes she was rude but if everyone was 10 mins late she’d be at work for hours late everyday. Did you not drink in advance knowing you have to provide urine? I would have gone back out and waited in the waiting room if I couldn’t go, not on the toilet. Very surprised your husband was there, never even thought to bring mine apart from scans. I think PALS should be used for more serious issues like clinical issues.

Sorry I agree with pp, they are there to check health of you and baby and provide clinical advice, not to be fawning and 'lovely' they shouldn't be actively rude which it doesn't sound like she was, just factual in that you were late for the appointment.

I'd leave it for now and next time make sure you have your sample with you and arrive on time. There's no excuse for rudeness but we are all human and she may have been having a bad day so I'd give her another chance personally. I have come across some lovely NHS staff (most of them) but there are a few that can be a bit abrupt.

That's awful, we expect to be treated with courtesy by medical staff and it's shocking when someone acts in an unprofessional manner, even worse when you're pregnant and vulnerable.
It sounds like the other staff and midwife tried to make the situation better and the fact that they apologised on her behalf and told you that you could report her to PALS suggests this may not be the first time they've seen this member of staff behave in this manner.
Based on what you said I'd report her, she's absolutely wrong treating you like that and it needs raising, her behaviour was so bad your DH had to step in, others in the waiting room could hear her and it left you in tears, yes definitely report her.
Massive shout out to your dh though for stepping in, sounds like he's one of the good guys ❤️

Your post is ridiculously long /hard to read but surely if you know the ropes you'd know they will want a urine sample. Maybe do it before hand at home or at least arrive earlier to do it there ?

You are massively overreacting not helped by your husband tbh

You're both human, you were late, she got upset about that. Sounds like you both, not just you, needed a little grace over this. She could equally be on here saying she got in trouble and is now really upset and why can't people come early enough to be on time with their urine samples.

this is true! Thankyou for making me see this side of it too and high five on the non-confrontational side taking over. I definitely won’t be holding it against her as I do understand there are people who go through things all the time, i was just taken a back as this is this first time I had gone through anything like this. I will see how the next appointment goes :) I’m hoping all will be okay but ofcourse there to see how our baby is doing aswell, thanks for being kind x

Just reread and agree with pp to take a bit of time calm before you make a formal complaint as there's not really much to take to pals at the minute other than you didn't like her tone.

There’s no excuse for rudeness and I can never understand why people who are in a role dealing with people are like this.
Clearly not happy in their job, burned out and at the end of their tether. Why not leave the job.

Your description does sound like you have attended these appointments before so are aware that you need to produce a urine sample so should have done one in readiness.

You fail to understand that you are to blame in this too.

You may have caused the other women coming prepared and on time to be delayed and having to wait because of you not being prepared.
You May have ruined (as you say) a whole room full of other pregnant women’s day!

If I had an appointment for 2.45 I would NEED to be in and out as I have to pick up my child from school at 3.20, you faffing around means I will have to leave not being seen as I have to pick my other child up.
Do you see how this is not just about you?

I usually give the benefit of the doubt and tell myself that everyone has bad days at work. However, if the other midwives were apologising for her and suggesting PALS it might be that she has form in upsetting patients and they are getting a bit tired of her doing it.

Dunno maybe it's different regionally.?
Where I am they give you sample bottle on way out of previous appt for next time.

I'm south west

Also, ask for a sample bottle and come prepared with a urine sample.

If you're 31 weeks pregnant then you should know that you need to do a urine sample before every midwife appointment. I always made sure to drink lots of water beforehand so I needed the toilet by the time I arrived for the appointment. 10 minutes is a long time to spend on the toilet and it's so frustrating when you're sat in the waiting area for ages as appointments are running late (I had to wait over an hour a couple of times and usually over 20-30 mins).

She shouldn't have made remarks about you being highly emotional though. She could've just done your observations in silence if she was annoyed.

Thanks! I wasnt told until today that i could do this. Since I’ve always been able to produce a sample on the day of, will take this advice for nxt time :)

So you weren't late for your appointment? You were providing a sample as requested?

Everyone knows it can be hard to get a sample if your pregnant my dd used to shut off my bladder I swear!

nope i came to my appointment on time and the reception lady asked to do the sample before seeing the midwife, i usually am able to do it but this time it took a little longer but i was there on time. Recently my urine was been so hit and miss and yday it just seemed to not come when it needed to haha

Get a bottle of them and take a urine sample with you, they always need one.

Thanks, i took one before i left for next time :)

No. You should either have brought a sample or drunk more in advance to be able to give a sample promptly. It’s a predictable request. She was rude, but you were the equivalent of the person who appears terribly surprised by having to take off shoes and belt or separate your liquids at airport security, despite flying regularly.

The fact that the midwife and head of department were so apologetic and suggested a PALS complaint makes me think this woman was really out of line and yes you should complain. Sorry this happened to you.

Sorry but you weren’t ready to go in when you were called, so you were late to the appointment. You may not have liked her, but she did give you the appropriate care and advice.

It is unlikely that being told off for being late would cause a significant change in your BP also, so combined with proteins in your urine, it’s worth keeping a close eye on your BP at home. You can have it checked at branches of boots, pharmacies, or often there’s an automatic machine at gp surgeries. Also, just keep an eye out for any swelling of your feet and ankles.

Definitely take it with you. It’s only going to get more awkward to do as you get larger. Isn’t it awful how one person being grumpy can impact your day? That’s all it is though. She was a grump and made you feel sad. It happens. I just be blandly polite to people like that and move on. At the end of the day her job is to take some readings, she knows nothing about you and you know nothing about her.

Yes understandable for sure. I was on time but wish i could have collected a sample like i usually do, i have taken a few tubes to have ready for next time :)