Fed up of being told to rest all the time when pregnant with toddler

[MrsTeepee]

Every single time my PIL look after my toddler, MIL tells me to rest as she walks out the door. PIL have her for 4 hours max, during that time I'm usually tidying up, doing washing or in today's case getting some exercise to get some relief from pregnancy aches and pains.

If MIL genuinely wanted me to rest, surely she'd help with jobs round the house, or getting DD ready to leave with them. I try to nap when DD naps, and they don't want to help with naps so have her in the afternoon, I don't like napping too late in the day as it ruins my own nighttime sleep so can't nap when they have her.

Just fed up of feeling weak and tired all the time, and unable to look after my toddler properly on my own.

They took her to our usual activity today, so I missed out and know I'm stupid to be jealous and should be grateful DD got to go, but I can't help but be annoyed and frustrated. If they actually helped me to get stuff done rather than just take DD off me, then I wouldn't have to miss out on our precious time together.

So fed up, but also feel trapped as I know I need their help and it's only going to get harder over the next few months.

Any words of wisdom to help cheer me up?

I think you're being a bit disingenuous. It's very kind of them to take her and you can expect to be able to dictate when they do so. Why don't you just rest when they take her out if you want to? You don't have to nap, just put your feet up for some of the time. And leave your husband a list of jobs to do!

Can't expect rather!

I honestly don't know how anyone copes being pregnant and having a small child to look after. I was fully in survival mode first trimester. Don't think i would have coped.

But where is your husband in all of this? It seems like maybe he could be taking some of this off your plate?

Where's your husband during all of this?
Can you afford a cleaner to come for an hour or 2 on the day your pil have dd for the 4hrs? Then you know for a fact the chores will be done perfectly, you'll be rested because it wasn't you doing them and dd will have had her fun day out with grandparents! Everyone wins?
And your husband? I don't know what he'll be doing...

I completely see your point. My mum is coming over to cook and clean for me. She'll also spend some time with the baby. That's actual help.

That being said, why are you cleaning and tidying? Just go to the sofa, watch some netflix, do nothing. Surely that will help??

I get where you're coming from but unfortunately you can't dictate what other people do. Have you said to PIL that you're finding the housework too much and you'd rather they help there?
However I think actually you should rest. I have a toddler and new baby. First of all I was doing the chores when toddler napped or went to childcare but as I got more pregnant I realised I couldn't continue that. I started just sitting down watching TV instead. And you know what, the chores were still there but my DH had to do them. You're growing a baby, resting is your job and he can pick up the slack. Same as when baby arrives, if you're breastfeeding he needs to do more..

4 hours?

So half an hour to tidy and pop some washing on, half an hour for exercise, 3 hours to put your feet up and rest.

Then you get more chores/rest time when toddler sleeps and when (I hope) the father takes over in the evening.

Sounds great to me.

I don't think you and your children's father should be expecting other people to clean your house for you because you decided to have 2 kids close together.

My parents are 3 hours away and help maybe once every 2 months, my in-laws are a flight away so help from then is once or twice a year.
I've had no help from family yet with this second pregnancy.
Hopefully by focusing on what you ARE getting from them atm will help you see things differently.

4 hours is a lot of time. You don’t need to nap, watch Netflix, read a book, book a pregnancy massage. You are not missinf out by missing a toddler group.
stop cleaning for 4 hours! You are pregnant and presumably have a DH.

also nobody is a mind reader!! Most people here hate if MIL starts tidying and cleaning so maybe she is worried about interfering and upsetting you. Just ask if you want more help in the house!

FWIW my MIL never did 4 hours childcare or helped for one min the house so count your blessings. My DM does 2 hours childcare max and won’t change nappies!

I can’t believe you’re not happy with PIL taking your dd out for you for 4 hours! I had no help from anyone apart from DH and he works full time, I just had to get on with it and would have loved even one hour of help. They are very kind to give you help, 4 hours is a lot and plenty of time to do some housework and to have a nap. One hour housework, 2 hour nap and one hour relax with a cup of tea. Sound perfect.

“If MIL genuinely wanted me to rest, surely she'd help with jobs round the house, or getting DD ready to leave with them.”

A lot of assumptions here! Just speak up!! Hi MIL before you leave can you please help get Susie ready? Here are the clothes and her toothbrush is in the bathroom.
would you mind emptying the dishwasher please as my back hurts etc

If she arrives and little girl is ready or you are doing it, what do you expect her to do.

I have zero help, 32 weeks pregnant with a 3 year old, full time job and I’m exhausted. Please take those 4 hours break as a blessing rather than look at what other jobs they could be helping with. My PILs do nothing - they offer no help then tell me to ‘relax’ and that I’m over doing it. When I’ve asked for help they either are too busy or make the logistics so complicated and difficult that it becomes too stressful to arrange.

My parents aren’t local so can’t help and my husband works away often. Sorry but I can’t sympathise with your position at all and I think you’re lucky to have that break however ’short’. If anything, I’m jealous that you get the 4 hour break!

Did everyone miss the point where I said I know I should be grateful but feel I'm missing out on quality time with DD?!

I work 4 days a week, so our 1 day together has always been precious and really important to me. I know we'll be sharing our time together when new baby arrives, so to miss out on half that time now feels even harder. If my mum was around we'd do things together, rather than have DD taken off me.

To those complaining about DH, he's amazing so that's not even an issue. He empties the dishwasher, does bedtime every night, currently most of the night wakes, nursery drop offs, takes care of the dogs and loads more. He's more than pulling his weight. We have a dog walker and cleaner already because we've had to cope with next to no help since DD was born (they've only recently started having her).

I went for a swim yesterday and that eases the pain SO MUCH. It's significantly better for me than sitting watching TV.

@WhatWouldYouDo33 - you're right, I should be clearer in the help I need. Sadly this is the same MIL who knocks all the shoes off the shoe rack and goes, "whoops!" as she steps over them on her way out, so I don't hold much hope!

It's the hypocrisy that gets me I think. She expects me to run around after her and find the things she asks me for, drop DD off at theirs rather than then pick her up (if she's on her own and FIL isn't around) and just generally watch me struggle to bend over literally 30 seconds before she says it. I should just say no, I think. Just need to get the guts to do it. FIL is amazing btw, it really is just MIL that winds me up.

Pregnant with toddler?

Crikey! Talk about outstaying your welcome!

That's going to feel like pushing a grand piano through a keyhole!

Oh lovely, they probably think they’re helping. To them, what is the most challenging thing? Looking after a toddler. So what are they doing? Looking after the toddler for you. It’s not their fault that you’re seeing this as them taking her away from you on your day together that you see as being really special - unless of course you have told them this and they’re literally coming in and taking her anyway.

I guess the problem now is it’s becoming a routine, making it harder for you to say something without seeming rude/ungrateful?

Maybe speak with DH and work out exactly what you’d like the help from PIL to look like (if anything), and ask him to broach it with them (unless you’re happy to have the conversation yourself). It seems like they want to help, and want you to be able to rest, so find a way to communicate what would be most useful and see how they respond. Never assume malice where ignorance is more likely. Maybe they could come and take her out on a day when you and DH are both around, so he can take you swimming (or whatever you would find helpful) and give you some time for some rest without taking away the one day you have just you and her?

I’m sure this is one of this situations where everyone means well but just need to talk to each other a bit more openly.

Exactly the words of wisdom I need to cheer me up!! 😆

I don't really understand this. If you don't want them to take her out on your day off then just say no thank you, I'd rather spend the time with her?

It is really physically demanding being heavily pregnant and having a toddler to look after, been there (with no regular help, nobody was taking mine out unfortunately which I would have bloody loved!) and you do have my sympathies. But if you're feeling so bad you just need to prioritise rest, DH will have to pick up the slack with chores and all have to accept maybe the house will be messier for a period, your health and wellbeing is more important than housework.

I don't really understand this. If you don't want them to take her out on your day off then just say no thank you, I'd rather spend the time with her?

This.

So you want your MIL to offer to come and clean and tidy for four hours, while you take out your toddler? Is that right?

It does sound like it, doesn’t it?! And the OP already has a cleaner.

I do think you are being rather harsh with your PIL. Taking your toddler out for the afternoon seems like a helpful idea.
If it isn't then tell them that and ask for what you do want.
They aren't your parents so possibly wouldn't feel as comfortable accompanying you to things unless you specifically ask them.
Telling you to rest just sounds like positive small talk to encourage you towards self care.

It’s hard being pregnant with a toddler but I think whatever help was offered you sound like you would find fault with it. I would appreciate what you have; if you don’t want to miss out on time with your toddler surely you could say no thank you to the help offered or join them on their trip? If I had 4 hours I would spent 30 min max doing house jobs (especially if you’ve got a cleaner and whatever other help you said) then an hour to swim then chill.

Is this really about helping with the cleaning or do you actually just really miss your mum and wish it was her and not MiL helping? Which is entirely understandable. If you want to take DD to baby group then do it, no one makes you give her to MiL, the housework will still be there later.

No, I'd rather her not be involved at all!

DH is keen to get their help and have them involved in our lives though, and I know it's good for DD to have the relationship with GPs.

Telling you to rest just sounds like positive small talk to encourage you towards self care.

@siameselife Yes, you're right it probably is just thoughtless smalltalk. I just am getting fed up of hearing it every time I see her. Plus it's incredibly hypocritical to say it when walking out the door past all the mess the toddler has made that morning, and having just watched me walk up and down stairs twice to get MIL things for their outing that she could have offered to gj get herself, or thought to given me a heads up about so I didn't need to gj up twice. In hindsight I really should have just told her where it was and sent her to get it.