Fed up of being told to rest all the time when pregnant with toddler

[MrsTeepee]

Every single time my PIL look after my toddler, MIL tells me to rest as she walks out the door. PIL have her for 4 hours max, during that time I'm usually tidying up, doing washing or in today's case getting some exercise to get some relief from pregnancy aches and pains.

If MIL genuinely wanted me to rest, surely she'd help with jobs round the house, or getting DD ready to leave with them. I try to nap when DD naps, and they don't want to help with naps so have her in the afternoon, I don't like napping too late in the day as it ruins my own nighttime sleep so can't nap when they have her.

Just fed up of feeling weak and tired all the time, and unable to look after my toddler properly on my own.

They took her to our usual activity today, so I missed out and know I'm stupid to be jealous and should be grateful DD got to go, but I can't help but be annoyed and frustrated. If they actually helped me to get stuff done rather than just take DD off me, then I wouldn't have to miss out on our precious time together.

So fed up, but also feel trapped as I know I need their help and it's only going to get harder over the next few months.

Any words of wisdom to help cheer me up?

Wait so why did she have to be taken out if you wanted to spend time with her? I understand how hard it is but you should prioritise time with the toddler rather than chores, things are about to get a lot harder for everyone in the house but the most important is the toddler, they find it the hardest. And you won’t get this time back. You shouldn’t feel annoyed at other people because you’ve not prioritised that time to be with her.

Are you for real? I was heavily pregnant (high risk no less) with a 5, 3, and 1 year old. I have no cleaner or dog walker!! I had to do 3 school runs a day, there was no time to bloody nap. Partner worked 7 - 7 most days so everything fell to me. No help from family and certainly no paid help. You are being ridiculous and need a serious reality check.

Do people really feel hard done to having to raise their children without other people taking on some of the responsibility? OP I’m confused by your position of would rather they didn’t help but also they are helping in the wrong ways while also feeling like you don’t have enough support with only a dog walker and cleaner but also wishing people would just leave you alone with DD and stop offering you help 🤷‍♀️

A lot of people clearly just don't get it. If you had someone telling you to rest all the time, yet makes your life harder nearly every time you see them, would you really be so willing to take that on board as a genuine, caring comment?

I also never said I was doing 4 hours of housework, not sure why people have made that assumption. Already have our cleaners lined up to come more often as I get more pregnant and when baby is born as we know we'll need it. We've made things work without a village over the past 18 months or so, and have learned to act as if we have no help. On this occasion I went for a swim, which takes about 2 hours as it's a long drive and I take my time showering, etc. I do that in the mornings before work too, so it's not like I can't do that if they don't have DD. I also tidied up toys, sorted out the dogs, ate and put lunch stuff away, stuff that couldn't be delayed and wasn't particularly difficult, oh and some washing as DD had run out of pants and we're potty training. Not that I need to justify myself, but people seem to think I'm being a martyr or doing more than I need to, that's not the case. I'm also currently capable of doing those things, albeit at a slow pace than usual! I also don't expect MIL to have done those things for me.

DH says MIL is lazy, always has been. FIL does most of their housework and it's a running joke about how messy she is. I found it comical at first (as do DH and SIL) until I became a mum and she started bringing the chaos into my house. PPs picking up on the annoyance I have towards her, absolutely true. There have been countless thoughtless comments to me, DH and my mum (who lives far away) that have been really hurtful or judgemental, so it's hard to sympathize after that. She really is oblivious to it though, and when DH calls her out on it she denies it and changes the subject.

Yes I should be grateful for time away from DD as it gives me a 'break' to do whatever I want, but I get some of that on weekends and my work days (I actually enjoy my job, take good breaks, etc.). I adore DD and she's a fairly easy child to take care of, so I just struggle to be grateful for less time with her. But on the other hand I'm conflicted because I know I'll struggle to play with her as I get more pregnant, so don't really feel I can say no 'help' at all. I just needed to vent about the stupid comment really. This was the first time they took her out somewhere (without any warning) so I thought they'd be at their house as usual and therefore didn't have stuff ready. Getting stuff ready the day before just in case sounds like a good idea, and checking plans with them too so we get some notice rather than assuming they'll do what they'll do. They've only recently started having her for longer periods (until a few weeks ago it was 2 hours max, when picking DD up early from nursery), so I guess it's us getting used to a new setup too.

I actually could do with help for nap times (rather than taking DD on outings), as I struggle with the cot. If DH is working from home he'll do it at lunchtime (as I said, he more than pulls his weight!). Sadly MIL wants nothing to do with naps and always asks to have DD after her nap and bring her back in time for dinner. This means if DH can't help (like this time) I have to struggle to get bump and DD over the cot edge (twice, at least) without destroying my pelvic floor. The joys of pregnancy. I can ask again, but I suspect I'll get a similar response.

The 'help' is really on MIL terms and I think she just wants to play with DD (understandable in some ways, I wish I could to!).

Thank you to those who get it and have offered some good advice. I think we do need to work through it. I think I need to get better at saying no, asking for what will actually help and not getting annoyed by silly comments. Also should remind myself it's temporary, but work out how to end it when I'm capable of juggling 2!

I can't believe you've just called MIL lazy, on top of all that 🤣 you're on another planet OP

So you went swimming which helped with your pain you couldn't do that with her .....is this another I hate my MIL thread?

It sounds like you are just looking for a reason to complain about your MIL to be honest. For example, you go out of your way to explain her "look after yourself and get some rest" as a way of being annoying, as opposed to, you know, taking the toddler out and encouraging you to let the house be to focus on your needs. And then your point is that is not running around in your house rumbling through your stuff uninvited to get stuff for their outing?

And why wouldn't she offer help on her terms? Up to her what she wants to offer, up to you and DH to see whether that suits you and if you want to accept the offer.

Seems you just want the inlaws out of the picture altogether? I can't even see any reason in this post as to why though. I think you're being a little bit precious here. They take your child out and you still seem quite ungrateful. What more do you want? You've already stated you have employed a cleaner so its not as if you need them to do your housework for you. You and husband have chosen to have a second child that doesn't entitle you to have the inlaws doing your chores. They're taking your child out and giving you a break for 4 hours. What you do in that time is up to you. You don't really need to spend all that time doing chores. You need to be appreciative of the help you do get rather than gripe about what you don't get. For someone who doesn't want the inlaws around you sure want a lot of their help

I dont understand the emphasis on 'help'

She wants to take your daughter out to give you a break, thats nice for both of them, it might inadvertently help you, but its not necessary to be help as such.

She doesnt have to want to be 'involved at nap times' (whatever that means).

And as for calling her lazy, who cares, thats not for you to comment on, you dont live with her, she isnt your partner, it has no bearing on any of this.

You havent really set out how she makes life so hard for you, bar knocking over shoes.

I think you're being unfair. But you're heavily pregnant so it's underdstandable.

Given that your H understands how lazy and unhelpful his mother is, how she stresses you, makes hurtful comments, creates work for you, only does what's fun for her and leaves you to do things you really need help for, why does he think her "help" or increased involvement in your lives could be a plus??

Has he really thought this one through?

It's not understandable to be unfair because you are heavily pregnant. You don't lose your brain.
Best to stick at 2 children I think op!

Some people clearly can't read, DH calls her lazy, not me. He's had the conversation with family and they've agreed, it's been a running joke in their family for years about how messy she is and how FIL has to take on everything. These are not my words or opinions as I don't see everything about their relationship!

I've also said repeatedly that I don't expect her to do chores. After the birth of DD she expected us to make them tea when they came round, that's the kind of visitor she is. I'd just like the stupid, thoughtless comment to stop. She says it every time like a broken record, and I'm sick of hearing it, it's been happening since the first trimester when we'd see them on weekends, for example. The point is if she genuinely cared about me 'resting' she wouldn't be asking me to get her things, etc.

Me and DH have talked about saying no. We can't rely on them and they let us down multiple times when DD was v.small, so they now only have DD when we don't have something important to do that doesn't matter if it gets cancelled, but we've agreed it's important for DD to have that relationship so we suck it up. FWIW, we pay for a babysitter when we want to go out or have something important.

It's small talk and I'm probably being petty but when you're hormonal, sleep deprived and just annoyed by that person generally given the history, it hits a nerve. It's hard to just smile, nod and ignore it.

I was v. upset and fed up when I wrote the post originally. I hoped this community would be supportive and maybe cheer me up a bit, making me realise it's a silly thing, a temporary situation and it'll get better. Looks like a lot of people have their own issues and preconceptions, only half read things and would rather shoot someone down than help lift them up.

Sorry maybe you are just hormonal but you sound incredibly entitled I have 3 kids and am 32 weeks pregnant with my 4th also attending college 3 days a week that I worked around my kids so I can still manage all drop offs and pick ups as my husband works long hours only exception is a Thursday night he is home earlier as I also have a different evening course I’m attending so he needs to be home to do kids bedtime we don’t have a cleaner or dog walker for our dog that seems like a extreme privilege on its own and honestly I just get on with it maybe its you who just doesn’t get it and not everyone else unfortunately that is just life.

OP you made it a point to talk about needing help and she doesnt offer help that you want or need. If you dont expect her to do chores then why are you flip flopping back and forth about her not being of help, wanting help to put her down for a nap etc etc.

You then throw in that she is called lazy, why are you informing people of that, what of it, what difference does it make to you

I could be wrong but don't get the impression from OP's posts that the pregnancy is at the 'heavy' stage.

Tbh if you’re able to go swimming before work and day off and it’s a long drive surely going up the stairs twice or dropping her off isn’t that big of a deal. Your first couple of posts implied you wanted help with housework then you said you didn’t, her asking you to get a few things doesn’t mean you can’t rest for the 4 hours, if you’re being honest you obviously don’t like her and that’s ok if she being mean but what you’ve wrote here doesn’t make sense

Ive read all your posts and they just sound like you're looking for excuses to lash out. Your MIL is "bringing chaos into your home" but you're annoyed that sometimes you have to drop DD at PIL instead of them picking her up. Surely doing drop off solves the chaos problem. You can't lift DD into the cot but you're also potty training - how old is she, is it time for a bed or take the sides off the cot.? You've got so much to do that you can't rest, but annoyed they are taking DD at a time of day you don't want to sleep. But also annoyed they aren't taking DD during her nap time. Its hard being pregnant and having having a toddler and working, I know, I've been there. I also found it annoying when people constantly told me to rest, but I took it in good faith and was grateful for any help I got. I think the problem is you don't sound grateful at all and the way you've phrased your posts it sounds like MIL could bring you the moon on a stick and you'd complain it was too bright.

Sorry but you do have help, an insane amount from the sound of it. Supportive partner who does more than his share, in laws who look after your one child for entire afternoons, dog walker, cleaner and babysitter. Yes being pregnant with a toddler is hard but you're being ridiculous saying you manage with no help.

Entitled much?! It sounds to me that you would complain about your MIL no matter what she did.
You should thank your lucky stars that you have support at all. I had three children with zero help from my parents as they live so far away and zero help from my in laws because they live in another country. I also didn’t have a cleaner, I didn’t have a dog walker, and I worked full time with a husband who worked away from home 6 days a week. You need to give your head a shake.

You need to get a grip - you're pregnant - not an invalid.

I had a 1 and 3 year old when pregnant with my 3rd - ZERO help. One year old wasn't walking so needed carrying or a pushchair.

I did everything, cooking, housework etc.

Seriously, stop acting like a spoilt princess.

No she talks about not being able to play with Toddler when more pregnant.

There’s a lot of comments like this. But I don’t think op is complaining about doing anything. (Even if she was pregnancy is hard, cut her some slack)
I think she’s fine doing everything
she’s finding it grating doing everything, all the boring stuff, whilst people tell her to rest. Which isn’t a solution to housework.