Fed up of being told to rest all the time when pregnant with toddler

[MrsTeepee]

Every single time my PIL look after my toddler, MIL tells me to rest as she walks out the door. PIL have her for 4 hours max, during that time I'm usually tidying up, doing washing or in today's case getting some exercise to get some relief from pregnancy aches and pains.

If MIL genuinely wanted me to rest, surely she'd help with jobs round the house, or getting DD ready to leave with them. I try to nap when DD naps, and they don't want to help with naps so have her in the afternoon, I don't like napping too late in the day as it ruins my own nighttime sleep so can't nap when they have her.

Just fed up of feeling weak and tired all the time, and unable to look after my toddler properly on my own.

They took her to our usual activity today, so I missed out and know I'm stupid to be jealous and should be grateful DD got to go, but I can't help but be annoyed and frustrated. If they actually helped me to get stuff done rather than just take DD off me, then I wouldn't have to miss out on our precious time together.

So fed up, but also feel trapped as I know I need their help and it's only going to get harder over the next few months.

Any words of wisdom to help cheer me up?

Tbh you sound like a selfish, spoilt brat! It is not your PIL job to clean your house, and maybe they think they are helping by taking your dd out and allowing you some time to yourself? If you don't want them to take dd out just say no, but maybe your dd enjoys the time she spends with her grandparents? You chose to have another child while your dd was still small ( yes i know its hard work, I've done it more than once) so stop expecting other people to take over your responsibilities!

Reading your comments it sounds to me like you just really dislike your MIL and no matter what she does you're going to piss and moan about it.

When did I say I expect MIL to clean my house?! I don't. I'm just fed up of being told to rest every time I see her, when she blindly ignores the mess around me, or worse, adds to it and asks me to get her things.

When did I say I expect MIL to clean my house?! I don't. I'm just fed up of being told to rest every time I see her, when she blindly ignores the mess around me,

The fact that you keep saying she ignores the mess implies you want her to do something about the mess? Or do you mean she can see you can’t relax as there is mess to tidy? I’m confused

I think you'll be unhappy whatever she does.

The fact you’re getting regular help is a real god send. Focus on the positives! I can’t imagine you didn’t expect this to be a difficult time - you’ve had a baby so you know that pregnancy is hard, but this time you’d be doing it without being able to be a princess!

Why isn't your husband pitching in?

I didn't rtft but are you anemic?

Translation - DH has outsourced his work on the domestic front to his parents.

Tell him to pull up his socks and do housework.

Yeah, this is not 'help', and your H needs to be told. He likely thinks the women can sort it all out among themselves, and he's off the hook.

Expecting you to run around finding things and drop DD off is pathetic.

Have DH find and bag everything DD could possibly need for an afternoon with granny the night before an excursion - napoies, bib, wwter bottle, snacks, wellies, change of clothes, outerwear, etc. Have him pick up any mess his mother made when she swooped in. He'll soon see how 'helpful' his mother is.

You are working four days and dealing with pain. You've had some nasty responses here.

You just dont like her

I wouldnt be picking up or cleaning in someone elses house either

If you dont want her to take her out, then arrange a different way for your children to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Or dont, leave them out of their lives altogether and then come back moaning in a few years when you dont have a 'village' around you to support you.

Well what are you expecting then. You're insinuating that she ignores the mess as if she should do something about the mess to help you, otherwise why comment she is 'ignoring it'

What is she meant to do with it then? Point it out to you? Clear it up herself?

Telling someone to rest is just a social nicety, saying 'take care of yourself'. She is trying to be nice I assume.

I completely get it. My MIL always used to ask if i wanted her to take DD so I could have a break or get some rest (but that was from her being about 2 weeks old so annoyed me from the start tbh, ha). But I didn't see DD as being the issue for not getting rest, she napped, she was a very easy child to look after, it was everything else I struggled with! It's nice of them to take her but maybe suggest not every week? Prioritise laying on the couch instead of doing jobs instead too!

I think it’s lovely that your DC spends 4 hours a week with her grandparents. In that time could you do dishes/laundry/exercise in an hour and then rest for the other three hours? Or leave the chores for another time when DH is home?

Perhaps MIL doesn’t realise you’re struggling to tidy up/collect things if they think you can exercise? I would be more assertive with asking for a specific type of support.

I think pp are being harsh. It’s SO annoying to be told as an adult what to do, as though they have some insightful bit of advice you hadn’t thought of
i want to scream at everyone to ASK me what is helpful rather than just deciding what I want, or to just leave me alone. I’d rather no help at all, than help that isn’t really helpful and comes with extra comments and ‘advice’
who do you suppose will do everything if I’m resting? Clearly for you it’s not MIL.
at best ‘make sure you rest’ is thoughtless disingenuous small talk and at worst a chance for people to be controlling and critical. The same people who suggest resting are very happy for me to do things for them when it suits them - like ILs wanting to be cooked dinner and hosted (in a tidy, clean house) or boss piling on extra work or in your case MIL watching you struggle and get dd ready when she could help - the comments only seem to come when I’m doing things they’ve deemed less important.

He empties the dishwasher, does bedtime every night, currently most of the night wakes, nursery drop offs, takes care of the dogs and loads more. He's more than pulling his weight. We have a dog walker and cleaner already because we've had to cope with next to no help since DD was born

So WTF is there for you to clean for FOUR HOURS?? She's taken the toddler off your hands, go to the gym. Or see a friend. The million nice things you could do without a toddler in tow. Or, if you want to spend that time with DD, spend it with her.

Many women would LOVE to have an afternoon to themselves. You can't blame Mil for assuming that. Just speak up for goodness sake.

But why you're implying you have HOURS of cleaning to do, is beyond my understanding. Literally, what kind of housework do you HAVE to do for 4 hours if you already have a cleaner, a dog walker, and a supportive partner?

Yeah I think so too. If MIL offered to take DD out so OP could get all the tidying done, OP would be on here complaining that nobody will let her rest.

You are expecting MIL to a mind reader and being really uncharitable.

if you have a cleaner and DH is amazing why would she offer to clean? And considering you have such animosity towards her I don’t think her hanging around your personal space cleaning your mess would be wise. As it would definitely end up rubbing you the wrong way.

DH should sort your dd for her GPs day as well, the same as a nursery day and let them know you can’t do drop off due to pain. Do you really want MIL getting dd ready at yours? Seems like it would end up annoying you.

if them looking after DD is pissing you off ask them not to and get DH to arrange when it suits.

no point getting wound up about platitudes. You don’t have to rest, go for a walk, run a marathon, climb Kilimanjaro!

I think pp are missing the point
it’s that mil is not being helpful and still telling you what to do.
if she just took dd (after you got her ready and did everything for her) there would be no issue. and If she asked you if she could help there would be no issue.
But its the lack of thought, she’s happy to see you not resting when it suits her, and to make your job harder, and then tell you to rest. If she meant what she was saying she wouldn’t knock things over and leave them, or she’d at least offer to run and grab things from upstairs for you, or whatever else.
it feels similar to when you have a new baby and people offer to come round and hold them so you can clean the house. It looks like help and you’re supposed to be grateful, but really it mostly just suits them.

i do agree you probably don’t like her much so maybe don’t have her take dd. Get the cleaner to come a bit more often if that’s an option, and let the house be a little messy at times, and just spend your time with dd like you want to.

Literally, what kind of housework do you HAVE to do for 4 hours if you already have a cleaner, a dog walker, and a supportive partner?

This.

I'm extremely idle and especially when I was pregnant. So I get it about the knocked over shoes for example.

But op you sound like someone who flaps around inefficiently making a brief household chore take hours and then act like a martyr. 4 hours is an extremely long time in terms of housework.

Our cleaner can clean our entire house, from top to bottom, and get 3 loads of laundry washed and dried, in that time. You don't need to do all that ifyou already have a cleaner.

Just do 20 mins of housework and then you've got the remaining 3h40min to do whatever rest or exercise you like

This. Easy. And surely you foresaw this when deciding to have another pregnancy. It’s hard.

@MrsTeepee this is mind blowing for me as I had both my daughters with miscarriages with my parents and family 10 000 miles / 11 hour flight away!

I genuinely cannot relate.

I am sorry you are finding things hard.

If your in laws DIDN'T have the toddler for 4 hours, would you still get the jobs done?

If the answer is yes, when they have toddler, rest for the free time.

No point moaning about it, a lot don't have in laws help.