Do I keep the baby my partner doesn’t want?

[ByBluePoster]

I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half, and have recently found out that I got pregnant on the pill. Due to being on the pill I didn’t find out until 10 weeks (did pregnancy tests after visiting the doctor for sickness/flu and getting all clear from bloods etc). Initially due to the shock, I was on board with getting an abortion as this wasn’t something we’d discussed in detail yet - though we both had said we want children in the future. I’m 28 and my partner is 38.

The first step I took was reaching out to the abortion clinic who couldn’t offer me a consultation for TWO weeks. I went to get a private scan to see how far along I was as the anxiety was killing me. This is where I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant and also had suspected endometriosis with a 7cm cyst on my ovary. After this scan I felt completely different due to all the factors - I knew an abortion late on would be really difficult for me and because I had already suspected I had endometriosis (I’ve struggled with periods since 14 and it runs in my family) so always thought I’d struggle to conceive - and I felt the cyst / opinion from the private scan reaffirmed this.

I did counselling and wrote down all my feelings and then discussed with my partner to see what his reasonings were for not wanting the pregnancy. He said he just was not ready and that we should abort the baby and try again next year. I booked the scan with the abortion clinic and was told it’d be in 10 days, the night before the scan - they called to cancel my appointment and told me they couldn’t do the surgery so I needed to self refer to a different provider. I did this and the new provider couldn’t offer a scan for another 10 days. I will be at least 14 weeks at the point of this scan so, 15+ when having the abortion.

I feel really uncomfortable about the situation and told my partner that I can’t see a future where I can get past an abortion, but I appreciate his views and that he can’t see one without it - so we’ve essentially parted due to the situation. I earn good money and have good maternity pay for the first 6 months - but I have a dog and no house of my own. I live with my partner atm so I now need to move out of that home. My friends and family have been supportive but ultimately I’d need to find my own feet and deal with a big change of outgoings by myself - is it reasonable to think I can do this in 6 months? I don’t think being a single parent will be easy by any means - but the instinct I feel to keep the baby is overwhelming and it’s that I can’t shift past. Am I in the wrong if I keep the baby, because it was unplanned? Even though I’ve said I’d have no expectations from the baby’s dad? I feel really stuck as I just don’t know if I’d recover from an abortion.

@ByBluePoster sweetheart, I so feel for you.
A. Never have an abortion because someone else wants you to, it'll be hell to try and recover from and in fact you won't really recover.
B. You are having endless discussions trying to convince him/understand him. Pointless. Just tell him the discussions are over and the decision is made and how he gets on board with it or not is up to him.
C. Just prioritise yours and the baby's health and well-being over everything else from now on. At this point in time it's way more important than anything else.
What kind of dog do you have? Small and manageable good, big and brutal not so good, inbetween you need to think what the options are.
Wishing you well. You set the course of things from now on. Also, it's possible he'll come round, but that ball is in his court. And congratulations on your surprise pregnancy!

Ps if you do break up could you move in with parents for first couple of months?

Also you can check online to see what benefits might help you , you will also get child maintenance from him if he works and has a normal salary it's much easier to claim

I had a similar situation but our views were switched. I was on contraception and used a condom as I really did not want another pregnancy (we already had a toddler). When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was an abortion and my partner was really against it. It was so hard to take into consideration his feelings without feeling like I was sacrificing mine.

We had some space and time apart whilst I really thought about was making me go towards an abortion and then presented him with my concerns and we spoke about it.

At the end of the day, it’s your body and it ultimately comes down to your choice only. All throughout myself and my partner trying to navigate things, he always made it clear that whilst he wanted the pregnancy to continue, he was behind me 100% whatever I went with and felt like was best for me and our family. Being a single parent is hard but you seem sensible, you’ve thought about it and know it isn’t going to be a breeze. I’d say you’re ready and you’ll be a fab mum!

Keep your baby. The father wants to get rid and try again in a year? That’s like, 5 minutes away.

You are right to make this choice based on your wishes alone. A man who isn't ready at 38 may never be 'ready'. The suspected endo diagnosis is relevant and is likely to affect your ability to get pregnant in the future. If you are sure that you want children then it sounds like this is your baby . You sound like you have your head firmly screwed on and a decent support network, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Thanks for your message. I wouldn’t have an abortion FOR him but of course his reaction has prompted the thoughts of my capability alone and whether it is right for me to take the pregnancy forward - especially due to the unplanned element / without his consent.

I had the conversations to try and determine the underlying reasons behind wanting a termination - we’d discussed wanting children (as recent as at Christmas when I was unknowingly already pregnant). So it felt fair to have that conversation as there are certain things that we could have worked through if they were the reasonings behind the decision (e.g. worrying about sleep as he has a sleep disorder). I also had been on the page of an abortion when I first found out, but changed my mind due to the circumstances.

because of the unplanned element this is a HUGE adjustment for me as there are a lot of things to consider that I’d not even thought about before it became a reality (like work arrangements etc). I’ve also been really unwell whilst pregnant (part how I found out) so it’s made me realise I need to think about how I’ll manage when I’m poorly etc. just a lot to think about.

I agree though, once I have complete clarity the narrative needs to change to ‘this is what is happening, now let’s discuss what involvement you want to / don’t want to have. As I said in other posts, I’ll expect the legal requirements to be met as minimum. My dog is a bit inbetween, he’s a high energy medium sized dog but he’s calmed down a lot recently and he’s fine as long as his stimulation needs are met. I’ve already made sure that he has somewhere to go for the first month and have a plan in place for that (as this is something I actually came across when reading all the training guides when I got him) as knew I’d want to introduce a baby eventually. It’s likely once I find a property to live in that my sister will move in with me to help me with that side as she’s a student who has the time available to support me at least with the dog! Thanks for your support!

He has almost reached the age of 40, the pair of you have been together a couple of years.

I would think the subject of children has come up before with other girlfriends.
Maybe that is why they are x's.

He has managed to avoid becoming a father during all these years, why would he suddenly want to become one in a year's time.

He could string you along for the next 10 years as he might decide 50 is the magic age for him to become a father.

Or he might not be seeing a future with you anyway, and he will be a father in a year or so with someone else :(

Or he will be having a little operation next week to avoid ever becoming a father.

He hasn’t got your best interests at heart if he wants you to have an abortion at this stage and try for a baby next year. That’s either madness or he’s lying.

@ByBluePoster that's brilliant, you honestly sound completely on top of this, and having the possibility of your sister move in with you to help with the dog leaving you to focus on the baby sounds like a great plan. You've got this, and I really mean that.
I was a single mum. This may well be contentious but in some ways it's easier (I got married and had a second, marriage didn't last blah blah) because you get more autonomy to make decisions.
Best of luck!

Thank you! I’ve had a look and I won’t get any benefits (other than potentially some money towards nursery) - which I need to look into properly! He’s said he will support in terms of CM because it’s ‘the right thing to do’ - its nursery that I need the most help with as will definitely be the biggest outgoing. That said, i still feel in a really good place financially/work wise and am lucky enough to have had this happen at a good point in my career after a promotion earlier last year. I’d also get close to full pay for 6 months due to length of service and then I’d look to return to work full time. I might just need to change the choice of location/size of the property I was looking at (pre baby) due to nursery costs but obviously I’ll compromise to provide the best outcome for my child. It’s just a shame as everything was in a near perfect place for us to be ready together with everything we’d discussed - but think that shows that he may never have been ready and that this may have infact made him realise that having children is actually not a priority in his life (which is fine) but it’s also made me realise it is a priority in mine. Not ideal but I’ve learnt over the years that a lot of things in life aren’t - which is why I like to embrace change and not run away from it!

I’m an analyst so thinking is my superpower 😂 blessing and a curse. Thank you so much, really appreciate it. I’ve had a hard time in the past with certain situations but it’s made me extremely resilient and also made me realise how strong and independent I am. It’s just a really daunting situation still! A lot of emotions and a lot of hormones. Think once I’ve owned my decision and started the plan of action, I’ll be absolutely fine! It’s reassuring to hear of so many people like yourself who’ve done it and been glad they did!

Totally agree with this!

I really feel for you OP. I have been through a similar experience. Like you, I was further on in pregnancy when I found out. My then partner was adamant that I have a termination.

Circumstances meant that this wasn't possible until the second trimester. By that time, and because of my age, I told him that I was having the baby and only terminating if positive for a chromosomal disorder.

He wasn't happy at all, but by the birth had warmed a bit. He was with me when she was born and actually enjoyed the baby years. He finally left me when she started school.

It wasn't easy and I was doing three jobs and permanently tired, but so worth it. Fast forward and I have my beloved twin grandchildren today who are probably the greatest joy of my life.

Only you know what is best for you, but don't allow him to taint your experience. Whatever the outcome, it must be wholeheartedly your decision.

but think that shows that he may never have been ready and that this may have in fact made him realise that having children is actually not a priority in his life

I think this may be a blessing in disguise - how many threads do we read on here where women get to 35 and the partner still won't commit to a baby, but they're years along, tied with mortgages etc?

At least this has got that sad ending out of the way & you seem clear on your priorities.

Sounds like work-wise & support-wise you're in a strong place. Anything he offers is a bonus.

I think you can do this. All the best.

He’s a selfish asshole. A total pos for choosing to walk away! He doesn’t love you and you deserve better. You are well rid. A year is nothing.

You have got this! Best wishes x

I have been following your thread @ByBluePoster and just wanted to come on and say I am in a very similar situation to you or was. Unplanned pregnancy and my now ex partner (of 4 years!!!) didn't want to keep the baby. I'm now 37 weeks pregnant and so happy and at peace with the decision I made to keep my baby boy and so looking forward to meet him soon.

In regard to childcare I believe from Sept 2025 working parents will be able to get 30 free hours childcare from 9 months old to school age. This will be a massive help so that's something for you to keep in mind too.

Whatever happens, things will work themselves out in the end 💕

You sound very sensible and like you are weighing up the pros and cons so go for it and have your baby. But I would seriously reconsider your housing situation and go for buying instead of renting. I'm sure you will be able to find a porter that you can proceed with quickly and get established in sober rather than later. Buying on your own with a new dependent will affect your purchasing power and be a nightmare in teens of logistics. Plus, the rental market is horrific right now, for every property there can be 10-50 applications and none of this will want a single mum with a dog, no matter how stable your situation seems.

If you want a baby then don't terminate the pregnancy. If a nearly 40 year old man isn't ready to be father then I doubt he'll ever be ready.

whether it is right for me to take the pregnancy forward - especially due to the unplanned element / without his consent

He consented to the possibility of having a baby when he refused to wear a condom. You were on the pill so this is an accident. You want a baby so keep this one.

For him to say have an abortion and we’ll try for a baby next year?!? What difference does it make, apart from your poor mental health.

Reading through your post you don’t want the abortion, and it will haunt you if you do it. You’re at a lovely age for your first baby, you’ve just found out you have endometriosis, which can eventually cause fertility issues. Believe me, my poor daughter is your age and had a hysterectomy last year as her endometriosis was horrendous, after five years of various awful hormone treatments and 5 operations to keep removing it, 3 miscarriages, so much trauma.

I also had endometriosis and endured awful hormone treatments way back in 1994. I conceived fairly quickly after treatment, the pregnancy suppressed the estrogen for a further 9 months, so the endometriosis was starved. By the time I gave birth it had gone, and unlike my poor daughter, never feared its head again. So by keeping your precious baby you may also cure the endometriosis, as the hideous disease loves to feed on the old estrogen.

You sound like a strong woman and know what you want, you have a good income, I think you’ve worked out what you want/need to do. You’ll make a lovely mother with a lot of love to give, like someone else has commented the baby has beaten contraception and endometriosis, enjoy your pregnancy, you have precious cargo on board, take care..

What a disgrace of a partner. Instead of supporting you in your pregnancy with his child, he'd rather you terminated or split up. But he might be ok if it was this time next year.
He's talking utter shit.
You go ahead and have a lovely life with your dc

Agree, I’ve made this point myself - his response was that he’d never felt in a place where he could see that future with ex’s so hadn’t had the conversation but not sure I buy it, as saw pregnancy tests in the cupboard when I first moved in, and one of his ex’s had a child once they split and she found a new partner! Just frustrating as it was something I ensured was discussed early on as knew I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want children - obviously this wasn’t planned but we weren’t in a bad position financially or otherwise, so i definitely think it’s responsibility based (which is why i really don’t think would change after 39 if it hasn’t before it!!). Seems to be a case of reality hitting and forcing fight or flight, for me it’s fight and for him it’s flight!

That’s because he doesn’t want the baby that he chose to create.

Either he was lying all along to keep you onside. Or he thought he did, but now he has changed his mind. That’s his problem not yours though. You can’t be expected to know that he was lying or that he might change his mins.

You are right - he won’t change his mind in a year. Or he will and then expect you to have another termination .

So he has chosen to make a baby and he now has to live with the consequences of that. That’s biology.

If he does only the legal minimum ( ie pay child support ) and not bring up his child, that makes him a really shit person and it’s sad for his abandoned child. But there’s nothing you can do to make him a good father, so please don’t tie yourself up in knots about it.

All you can do is be the best mum you can be. And find a community to help you raise you baby, whether that’s your family / friends / religious or social community.

Many many women here have done that and they and their children are thriving.

Hi OP, I've had a similar experience recently in that I accidentally got pregnant straight away after meeting my partner (like two weeks in- contraception failure). He's also nearly 38. He was extremely taken aback at how fast it happened (so was I to be fair!) and his initial thought process was that it was too soon. But he very quickly got on board with the fact that I didn't feel I could have an abortion (and to be honest, just didn't want to- I'm 32 and for all I know this could be my only chance to be a mum). I've got to say, since then he's been nothing but supportive. There are a lot of logistical issues to iron out as we didn't and still don't live together but we are still together and he's fully on board with the situation and is going to support both me and the baby. I'm now 29 weeks pregnant.

Obviously my situation is different because it happened so soon that I totally understood him thinking it was too early, but the difference is that he also very quickly acknowledged that at the end of the day, having a child is something he's always wanted and therefore it wasn't logical to terminate in the hope of hopefully ttc in the future, without knowing if we'd ever be successful again.

I'm not saying any of this to gloat but just as an example that 1) things can work out (even if it's still a very hard path ahead) and 2) I do think it's unlikely he's going to be suddenly onboard with the having a child plan in a year if he isn't now and you've been together a fair while.

Hope my experience helps you :)

I think you've made up your mind, and FWIW are making the right decision (and I'm completely pro-choice, have terminated in the past). Just wanted to chime in and say there's never truly a perfect time to have a baby, and agree with PP in that I really don't see what would change in a year (for him).

Wishing you all the best, I think you'll do brilliantly. Please keep us posted! x