Do I keep the baby my partner doesn’t want?

[ByBluePoster]

I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half, and have recently found out that I got pregnant on the pill. Due to being on the pill I didn’t find out until 10 weeks (did pregnancy tests after visiting the doctor for sickness/flu and getting all clear from bloods etc). Initially due to the shock, I was on board with getting an abortion as this wasn’t something we’d discussed in detail yet - though we both had said we want children in the future. I’m 28 and my partner is 38.

The first step I took was reaching out to the abortion clinic who couldn’t offer me a consultation for TWO weeks. I went to get a private scan to see how far along I was as the anxiety was killing me. This is where I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant and also had suspected endometriosis with a 7cm cyst on my ovary. After this scan I felt completely different due to all the factors - I knew an abortion late on would be really difficult for me and because I had already suspected I had endometriosis (I’ve struggled with periods since 14 and it runs in my family) so always thought I’d struggle to conceive - and I felt the cyst / opinion from the private scan reaffirmed this.

I did counselling and wrote down all my feelings and then discussed with my partner to see what his reasonings were for not wanting the pregnancy. He said he just was not ready and that we should abort the baby and try again next year. I booked the scan with the abortion clinic and was told it’d be in 10 days, the night before the scan - they called to cancel my appointment and told me they couldn’t do the surgery so I needed to self refer to a different provider. I did this and the new provider couldn’t offer a scan for another 10 days. I will be at least 14 weeks at the point of this scan so, 15+ when having the abortion.

I feel really uncomfortable about the situation and told my partner that I can’t see a future where I can get past an abortion, but I appreciate his views and that he can’t see one without it - so we’ve essentially parted due to the situation. I earn good money and have good maternity pay for the first 6 months - but I have a dog and no house of my own. I live with my partner atm so I now need to move out of that home. My friends and family have been supportive but ultimately I’d need to find my own feet and deal with a big change of outgoings by myself - is it reasonable to think I can do this in 6 months? I don’t think being a single parent will be easy by any means - but the instinct I feel to keep the baby is overwhelming and it’s that I can’t shift past. Am I in the wrong if I keep the baby, because it was unplanned? Even though I’ve said I’d have no expectations from the baby’s dad? I feel really stuck as I just don’t know if I’d recover from an abortion.

Mate, have the baby, let Peter Pan crack on future faking till he's old and grey.

I was 28 when we decided to start trying for a baby. I'm 40 now and 21 weeks pregnant with our 1st it took 12 years of IVF. That's not a sentence to scare anyone in to keeping a pregnancy as I believe that every woman should have a choice and all situations are different but it sounds as if you are ready and want this child. No one knows if you would conceive again or how long it would take but a year is not a long time, if he's not ready now he won't be then.

Hi OP. Of course you can keep the baby if it’s unplanned, if you want to!
obviously it’s a big responsibility but you say you feel you don’t want an abortion and you are trying to get your head around how to cope with being a single mother. Good for you! Lots of people do this.
if you have any who can support you especially in the newborn weeks then please engage their help.
I am pro choice, but also pro women who want to be mothers and I would be very wary of anyone who suggests you could have an abortion and then ‘have a baby next year’. Don’t trust that attitude so tread carefully regarding this man’s involvement. I understand he is the biological father but he would prefer not to be n this situation despite being mature age, so I think you might need to accept that really you are doing this on your own.

Your hormones are making you feel protective of your baby. 15+ plus weeks is quite late for an abortion. It will challenge you but you can keep your baby if you want to especially if with endometriosis it might be hard for you to conceive again. This might be your only chance to have a baby. If your family and friends will support you I'd say you can do this. Plenty of other women have done it before you. Good luck. Your partner will have to contribute financially once your baby is born if you go ahead with pregnancy. He might come around after the baby is born.

I think this wins post of the thread 😅

He wants to put you through a late term abortion you don't want only to try again in ONE YEAR when you've been told you would likely struggle to conceive again?! Seriously? What's going to change so drastically? If he's serious he's stringing you along and doesn't want a baby ever. Sometimes it is panic, so I'd say tell him you're keeping it, non negotiable. Give him some space to come to terms with it then make long term plans.

This is where I get confused because it has changed between next year, to near future to some point in the future, and back again. Hes said it’s all to do with timing but also said he can’t isolate the reasoning behind that, a lot of the conversations are normally about work/salary so I asked ‘well what if your work situation doesn’t change in 1/2 years time’ and he’d respond with ‘people make it work with a lot less’ and it’s just constant contradicting. Hes said he’d only thought about kids in terms of an ‘idea’ before but now it’s something he feels he could possibly get excited about in the future - but I can’t see what would be different in 1/2/3 years time. thats also not how he’s spoken about having children when he’s talked about it in front of my family / his family so the reaction has been quite a shock - despite the unplanned element.

All of this. He’s future faking you to get you have an abortion. I’m 44 -there’s so little difference between 38 and 39

I can't believe anyone could suggest someone should have a 2nd trimester abortion then "try again next year".

Does he have any idea the toll it takes on your body (even not considering the emotional factor)? Does he think it's just a button you click and it's gone? Does he think it's instant and painless?

He's an idiot. Cruel, selfish, but also stupid. He doesn't care about putting you through physical pain (as well as emotional).

Have the baby and have a lovely life and never look back on this horrible older man.

Ah yes, the old chestnut, let’s have a baby in a year instead. At your ages, aside from rare extenuating circumstances, a year isn’t going to make a difference.

it won’t be easy to do this solo. Parenting is unrelenting in those early years. You aren’t a child or even so young that you are going to be naive about what you are facing. It’s much easier with a solid partner, but I can’t say I wouldn’t be leaning towards the same choice were I in your position.

you can’t make him be a father, but you shouldn’t let him off the hook financially. Your child deserves financial support from both parents. Even if you put all the maintenance into savings for later in life, your child still deserves that money.

You can do this if you want to - have the baby I mean.

having read your post twice,

WHY do YOU have to move out ? does he own it.

@JRTfan Congratulations !

sorry to hijack the thread but I just couldn't let her post go by.

Yes, he owns it. Financially im pretty stable and I was looking at buying a house in my name before this as he wanted to keep his property as an investment.

I’d be a lot more relaxed if I could easily rent somewhere for the interim (as know securing a house could take months to a year) - I’ve just not seen anywhere willing to allow a dog yet!

Hi op sorry you’re going through a difficult situation right now.

Just wanted to say it’s good you are seeking advice and having/had counselling and thinking about your partners role in all of this but ultimately it is your decision at the end of the day. You have to do what’s right for you and what you feel in your gut.

I was in this position with my partner of 13 years and every time I spoke to him he would convince me to have an abortion but I was so distressed because it wasn’t what I wanted deep down- I went though every stage of abortion I was so muddled up. I now have a 1 year old snuggling next to me and I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life! I can’t believe all the drama I went through whilst pregnant I didn’t get to enjoy any of it.

If you want the baby you can do it! But also if you want a termination you still have time so don’t stress about that. Good luck with whatever you choose to do x

@ByBluePoster

personally if I were you I wouldn't even consider a termination. This was unplanned, but for someone with (probable ) Endo, you don't mess with a pregnant IF you want a baby. Youbgrab the opportunity with both hands.

his cavalier attitude to have an abortion (don't care that you don't want to) & we'll get pregnant again next year. Just like you can book it🙄🙄

at his age, what will be different next year? He has months to be excited THIS time.

You could go in the have 10 kids, none of them will be this baby you're carrying & are excited about.

if you terminate, your resentment will be huge! You'd probably break up anyway & think about his much more you'd resent him then.

is there anyone you could stay with while you try to get a rental or for longer until you get your deposit sorted.

keep the baby, it won't always be easy (it never is). He's immature, let that be his problem!

I think a big part of his problem is that I have changed my mind, but I didn’t know all of the factors when I first saw the pregnancy test and definitely didn’t expect to be 10weeks pregnant as I’d done 2 tests before and both were negative. But he has also changed his narrative between ‘the future’ ‘next year’ ‘near future’ ‘when I’m ready’ and I just don’t buy into that and can’t move past the fact he can’t see my side. Both scans I’ve had the baby has looked like an actual baby and I’ve not been able to get past that, and I thought he’d at least understand that point as he was with me for one.

I’ve already said I couldn’t stay with him after an abortion, he kept saying he hoped we could move past the abortion and I knew it wouldn’t be possible for me. Resentment isn’t really in my nature but, all his friends we spend time with have young children, or are TTC and my brother is going through IVF. I couldn’t have an abortion and be around all of that, emotionally I’d take too much of a hit. I said it was naive of him to think I could abort a baby at 15 weeks and then try again when he was ‘ready’ when he doesn’t even know what ready means for himself.

I left the flat over the weekend as needed headspace / to be out of the environment. I do have a safe space at my friends / my mums as and when I need it so i do have options - I just would want my own property before my due date. They’re very patient and accommodating people but I think a dog, new parent and new baby might be too much for even them 😂

Well he has now shown you who he is….. he could have strung you along through your most fertile years and then possibly had fertility problems.

It seems you have dodged a bullet, a 38 yr old man who rejects a child already conceived over a year in time is immature and selfish. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I believe 'I'm not ready yet' or 'I don't want children.' I do not for one second entertain 'oh, have an abortion and I'll be ready in 12 months.'

This is a man who was stringing you along. He would change the timeframe next year. And then the year after that. And after that...

It sounds like due to your health issues, you wouldn't get over it if you had an abortion now and couldn't conceive naturally another time. If you really want to have children naturally and the odds are against you... then yes, I understand why having this baby is the right choice for you.

It might have cost you this relationship, but it would have one way or the other. It was always going to end whether it was due to his resentment or yours. So, the only real choice was whether you were going to walk away footless and fancy free or as a single mum.

All the best. I'm sure this baby is going to be very loved.

You have found out that you have unplanned pregnancy. Your boyfriend is 38 and your 28.
He wanted you to have an abortion. He said that you and him could try for a baby next year. So after further medical checks your pregnancy is further along than you expected and you also have endometriosis.

He is still pushing for an abortion and promising you we can try for a baby next year. He is 38. When does he plan to grow up? He could have been honest and said I don't want a child. Instead he is telling you what you wanted to hear before you got pregnant.
Now you have better idea of your own situation I would not have an abortion. You were probably lucky to get pregnant with your past period issues and having endometriosis. I would not give up what could be your only chance to have a baby for this man.

I would tell him that you have decided to keep that baby as due to your health issues it may be the only chance for you to have a baby. He may not be happy to hear this but at 38 it time he grew up. I would also tell him that you will be contacting the CMS re child maintenance.

Just wanted to say how level headed you sound @ByBluePoster and that your ‘partner/ ex partner sounds like a twat. Pregnancy is ALWAYS a risk when you have sec with someone and he also fully took part!!! How dare he then decide the consequences aren’t for him. At 38 you’d expect more maturity. Listen to your own instincts and do entirely what you want. I think if he’s turned round and said it’s not for him then all of it is your choice and he can do one. Wishing you the very best of luck xxx

Where will you live?

You can do this. A friend of mine was in a very similar position to you and her DS is now 13. He doesn’t see his bio dad, but my friend married a lovely bloke a few years ago and they are a happy family.

I also once panic-bought a house with none to sell which took 3 months from offer to moving in, so it’s not impossible. No-onward-chains or new builds may be a possibility for you. As a FTB you’ll be attractive to someone who wants to sell quickly.

You have got this, if he's not ready to be a parent a 38 he will never be ready, I'm not sure how much you earn, but I'd contact universal credit and see if they can pay something for a rental for you and also put your name on the housing list.

You should be very angry with him for wasting your time, and being happy for you to go through an abortion so that he can continue wasting your time.

You sound intelligent and capable, and you want this baby. Focus on you.

I've been a single mum from pregnancy as my partner left me. I think if your partner thinks he'll be ready to try in a year he could get himself ready now?