Disappointed with 3rd baby gender after having a boy and a girl

[Starfish00]

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd (unexpectedly) and feeling gender disappointment for the first time in my life. I am blessed with a healthy daughter and a healthy son and now we just found out we are expecting another little girl... I have to mention here that since this pregnancy was unplanned, I struggle to bond with my 3rd baby and feel close to nothing when I imagine her joining our family in few months. This is a very strange feeling and unpleasant one at that since I never had any issues in previous pregnancies and loved my kids from the very beginning of pregnancy.

Until my 16 week scan I Thought I had no preferences re gender of 3rd but turns out I actually had. Im trying to keep it together but deep inside I am honestly shattered that it's a girl. My daughters will be 6 years apart, same as myself and my sister with whom I have no contact. I think the age gap was just too big, we grew apart completely when I went to college and then got married and moved away and our relationship is non existent. She didn't meet my kids either. Last few years, I'm struggling terribly and tried to reach out to her on multiple occasions but she said she doesn't need me in her life and she prefers it this way. The thought of my daughters being 6 years apart gives me chills. I physically cannot relive this bizarre situation with my own children and at the moment I do not see any chance in my daughters having a successful relationship. I would so much prefer for this little girl to be actually a boy since my son is only 3 and they would be closer in age...

It doesn't help that my husband's family was not happy for us to have a 3rd in general and made it clear on several occasions that they would only be happy with a boy since my son is the only boy in the whole family...

I feel terrible and I told no one about what strange feelings I'm working through right now. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this. This lack of relationship with my sister caused me a lot of grief and very dark feelings over the years... I can't do this again.

Honestly, I would give some serious thought to having some counselling.

Your relationship to your sister may or may not have any relation to how your DCs will get on. It's not fair on your baby to already be writing it off as history repeating. I speak with family experience of this.

I grew up with similar age gaps. When my younger sister was born, I was 6.5yrs and my brother was 4.5yrs. I argued with my brother but we both got on well with our younger sister. As adults we get on well. I am sorry you had a difficult experience, but that doesn't mean it will happen for your children.

The age gaps mean nothing OP, 2 boys 3 years apart could drive each other nuts, 2 sisters 6 years apart can be best friends. Don’t worry about not feeling bonded with this baby yet, a third unexpected baby is a lot to take in and a lot of change to process. One day you will be totally in love with your child and will wish you could look back at this moment and reassure yourself it would all be ok.

Maybe speak to your midwife about your feelings as it sound like you could be having a low mood, maybe they will be able to refer to talking services or perinatal mental health if it’s needed.

Your history has no bearing on your children’s relationship. People are individuals, the sex of your children won’t dictate their relationship, it’s down to personality. I would also seek help for your previous unresolved family issues.

I had 6 years between me and my sister. We were no contact for a long time and I know how a toxic dynamic can develop with that age gap.

HOWEVER there are key differences between your relationship with your sister and your children's relationship with each other.

Firstly, there was no one between you and your sister for either of you to connect to who would make your sibling relationship easier. Your girls will have their brother in between them which will mean they both have someone to talk to who will help them see each other's point of view. The brother also means the oldest hasn't been an only child all this time and is used to thinking of other siblings.

Secondly, your relationship with your sister went that way because your parents didn't work with you both to show you both how to relate to each other. They didn't teach you both that you weren't in competition with each other for love and resources. Often when an older child was an only child for that length of time it's hard for them to adjust when mum comes home from the hospital and is suddenly obsessed with a new child to the exclusion of the older one. Resentment builds that comes out in later life. Parents who have thought about this in advance can work on the relationship between the two children and ensure they both feel loved, wanted, valued, and like they still have a mum.

The sex of your new baby is irrelevant, this age difference will be fine because you are not your parents and you will make it fine by working to build a healthy relationship between your children. You have an opportunity to give them what you never had.
💐

Your daughters are not you are your sister.
Yes, age gaps have an effect on how siblings interact. But you see wonderful relationships and also strained relationships between siblings with all sizes of age gap.
Is your daughter excited about the new baby coming?
Eye roll for your in-laws reaction. Commenting negatively on someone else’s choice to have a baby is always a bad idea.

I wouldn’t worry about the age gap OP. I’m very close to my sister as an adult and there are 5 years between us. Obviously we had little in common when I was a teen and she was a child but once she got to 16 we got on really well and still do.

Just under 3 years between me and my sister and we couldn’t stand each other (pretty much since birth). We had a brother who didn’t live past 6 hours. Who knows how we would have got on.

Babies are a gift. The odds of any person coming into existence are four hundred thousand trillion to one. Having any expectations of them before they are even here is grossly unfair. I think some counselling might be helpful
here.

I won’t say what I think of your husband’s family. 😡

Hiya lovely, so sorry to read you're struggling. I just wanted to hopefully give some reassurance about the age gap worry you have.
I am one of three girls, I'm 10 years younger than my eldest sister and 8 years younger than my middle sister.
They are my absolute best friends, I obviously didnt really have them to play with when I was really young, but when they were old enough they would take me out for the day and we had great times.
I am now mid 30's and they are both in their 40's and we have the closest relationship and I will always love being their baby sister.

Wishing you all the very best x

Two of my DC have a 6 year age gap and they are very close and love each other to bits. Personality plays a big part rather than the age difference. You could have a small age gap and find they argue and clash.
I get the concerns about your sister, I have a sister like that too. But you have to remember this baby isn't your sister. See the situation with your own sister as one to learn from, you can raise your children to love and respect each other even if they don't get on.

You are thinking it will be the same relationship for your children as it is for you.

I am the 3rd child, a girl. With a sister that is 6-7 years older, and a brother 3-4 years older. We are all very close, but particularly my sister and I.

I have two sisters, they are 5 and 7 years older than me. I get along with each of them far better than they get on with eachother, with them only being 2 years apart in age.

I'm the youngest of 3 sisters. My eldest sister is 6 years older than me, the middle sister is 3 years older than me. Growing up, my eldest sister did have more of a 'mini mum' sort of attitude. But that's because she did a lot of babysitting etc.

However as we've grown up, we are tighter than ever & we have a great sister dynamic.
You never know how things will turn out!

There is 10 years between me and my sister. We are both adults now, live near each other and are very good friends. Growing up we didn't have much in common due to the age gap, but that didn't matter!

ok so there’s a few issues here. Firstly your husbands family. Tell them to fuck off. Your body your life your choice. No idea why they feel it’s ok to give their opinion, you need to make it clear you’re not looking for their opinion or approval, and if they don’t have anything nice to say, fuck off.

secondly yours and your sisters relationship. You are not close, that’s fine, but it’s not because of the age gap. Lots of people have a smaller or larger age gap and aren’t close, lots of people have the same age gap and are close. Try to be logical, the age gap doesn’t make sense as a reason. I think you might need to consider some therapy to work through the actual issue, this may help you feel better that you won’t be replicating it. And also clearly it’s something you’re struggling with anyway so it’s good to work on those things, it feels like this has just brought up those issues
But your daughters are not the same people, in the same circumstances with the same parents as you and your sister. And also isn’t it lovely that you care about your daughters not experiencing what you did.

gender disappointment in the circumstances is fine and normal, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve had great support to get you through that. Don’t feel guilty. You feel how you feel. But instead of worrying about it, work on why and remember that your children are not just mini you and your sister, they’re their own people.

My sister and I have a 6 year age gap. She bossed me around a bit when I was a child but as adults we have become best friends. I have no contact with my brother who is only a couple years older than me, as he's abusive to the family. It's strange to me that you're just assuming your children will have the exact same dynamic as you and your sister. There's plenty you can do to make sure they see each other a lot. You can't guarantee a good relationship but you can help foster a caring and supportive relationship between them. I don't know what I'd do without my sister.

my sister is 1 year older than me. we have zero relationship and she has no interest whatsoever in my life. the age gap is irrelevant. i do understand though, i had 2 girls and decided to have a third baby because i was scared of repeating history for my children based on my own experiences

My sister and I are 7 years apart - we very close!

My girls are 6 years apart and yes they at very different stages in their lives & at times the 14 year old is mean to her big sister! But they both actively make an effort with each other. Especially as the older one is away at uni.

Ignore his family a baby is a blessing regardless!

Thank you everyone for your replies and reassurance. It gives me some comfort that many of you have positive sibling experiences with bigger age gap. I honestly hope that my children will love each other dearly and I am worrying for nothing. I should probably look into counseling too and try to work through the grief of not having a relationship with my only sibling.

I also hope I will bond with this baby soon and enjoy my last pregnancy. I so wish I didn't find out what we were having but my husband couldn't wait and convinced me to find out before birth. He is overjoyed with 3rd pregnancy even though it was unexpected and he is happy with having a second girl. My children are very happy with new baby. My DD had no preferences, my DS wanted a brother but once they found out it's a girl, they were excited and they talk about her daily. It seems only I am struggling.

As for his family... They honestly shocked me, especially since we already had a boy!!! I just feel collectively blamed for the family being full of girls.

You need some therapy op to stop you projecting this on your girls.

You can actively encourage your older child to not do what you did - which seems to be lose contact when she left home. You can make a point of encouraging and building all three children's relationships with each other and as a family unit. And that's not to mention that you are all different people.

Screw his family, his spermatozoa made the sex so it's on him.

There's 6 years between me and my youngest sister, my other sister is 6 years older than me and then my other 2 sisters are 7 years older than me. We are all very very close especially now we are all in our 20's and 30's. and I love them dearly. Never ever been an issue with the age and I've never thought about the age gap. Me and dh are TTC right now and the age gap between our baby if we have one and his oldest will be at least 19 years 🥲

It sounds like you are comfortable with whatever gender you have but are very heavily influenced by external factors. Your sister and DHs family (I think that is such a harsh thing to say - that they would only take care of the boy).

Your children’s relationship will be nothing like you and your sisters relationship. Whilst they are young and under the same roof you can create memories for them. You have a while until they are older.

Definitely get some counselling and I hope you are able to get some closure from the way you and your sisters relationship has ended up.

I think it is better this way round. If you had had another boy, then your daughter might have felt left out with the 2 younger boys going off together.
You have a bad example of big age gap sisters in your family, but there will be thousands of examples where it has worked well. If you hear enough of them, then you might feel better about it all.

Thank you everyone again for your thoughtful replies. I actually feel so much better after sharing it here with you and reading about your own experiences in your sibling relationships.

I did not share it with anyone, not even with my husband, since I feel a lot of shame and guilt over my feelings.

We've always found the girl - boy - girl order nice in our family as my sister felt special being the eldest, my brother did too because he was the only boy (no forgotten middle child problems!) and I did because I was/still am😄 the baby of the family. I understand the overthinking though. I had an issue with overthinking the name. In the end I suffered PND and we decided to change the baby's name! There is often something we'll hyperfocus on I think. It's common!