Disappointed with 3rd baby gender after having a boy and a girl

[Starfish00]

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd (unexpectedly) and feeling gender disappointment for the first time in my life. I am blessed with a healthy daughter and a healthy son and now we just found out we are expecting another little girl... I have to mention here that since this pregnancy was unplanned, I struggle to bond with my 3rd baby and feel close to nothing when I imagine her joining our family in few months. This is a very strange feeling and unpleasant one at that since I never had any issues in previous pregnancies and loved my kids from the very beginning of pregnancy.

Until my 16 week scan I Thought I had no preferences re gender of 3rd but turns out I actually had. Im trying to keep it together but deep inside I am honestly shattered that it's a girl. My daughters will be 6 years apart, same as myself and my sister with whom I have no contact. I think the age gap was just too big, we grew apart completely when I went to college and then got married and moved away and our relationship is non existent. She didn't meet my kids either. Last few years, I'm struggling terribly and tried to reach out to her on multiple occasions but she said she doesn't need me in her life and she prefers it this way. The thought of my daughters being 6 years apart gives me chills. I physically cannot relive this bizarre situation with my own children and at the moment I do not see any chance in my daughters having a successful relationship. I would so much prefer for this little girl to be actually a boy since my son is only 3 and they would be closer in age...

It doesn't help that my husband's family was not happy for us to have a 3rd in general and made it clear on several occasions that they would only be happy with a boy since my son is the only boy in the whole family...

I feel terrible and I told no one about what strange feelings I'm working through right now. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this. This lack of relationship with my sister caused me a lot of grief and very dark feelings over the years... I can't do this again.

I never thought about girl-boy-girl order this way. Thank you for sharing it!

Hi OP

I have a 5.5 years gap between me and my younger sister, I love her to bits and we are very close thank God.
Please don't worry yourself, they will be just fine God willing 💕

I'm very close to my sister who is 12 years younger than me. We were close growing up obviously but became close when she got to her teens.

I'm not close at all to the sister who is 2 years younger. We have nothing in common and are very different personalities.

It comes down to the individuals and not the age gaps.

I hooe that helps a little.

I agree with @BluJanuary!

I have Girl, Boy, Girl and it works really well. There's 3.5 years between each one and 7 years between the girls.

Mine are teenagers now and all get on well. The younger two were great together when they were younger and now the girls are growing closer as my youngest gets older.

We have also had no middle child issues! 😅

There is a bigger gap between me and my sister and we get on great. I enjoyed helping to look after my baby sister and as we grew older we became closer.

If you will be having girl-boy-girl then you have your eldest, your youngest and your son. All equally special!

I have a female friend who is the youngest of 11 - she is late 30s and the eldest is late 50s. She has more sisters than brothers and they don't all live in the same country but she is close to all of them. It's about the family dynamic you create and the caring children you are raising, not your past.

There's 15 year between me and my sister. We're now adults and she's my best friend.

Please seek support from your midwife or health visitor. There are services to help you.

my little sister and i are 6 years apart and are the closest siblings we know, we live in different places now and are at different life stages but we text throughout the day and call at least once a day, besides DP she is the closest person to me. please try not to project your own experiences onto your DC - there’s siblings close in age who don’t get on, and those far apart who do. hope you’re okay and make sure you’re getting enough support with these feelings when they arise, sending hugs 🥰

Gently op, this is about your issue with your sister. It has nothing to do with your daughters' future relationship. I second some counselling to tackle the hurt by your sister before baby comes along if possible.

Fwiw, I have a 9 year age gap with my sister and we get along fab, she loves my two children and we chat regularly despite the huge gap.

Yes... I understand my children don't need to have same situation as myself and my sister. I truly hope it would never happen for them.

I suppose it's few things that really caused this gender disappointment, not only my relationship with my sister. Having a 3rd child in general was a huge shock for me and my husband's family disapproval also added to my worry.

I asked my husband to not share with his family what we are having but it's only a matter of time until my children share the news! I'm already feeling scared and worried and still coming to terms with being a family of 5, I don't think I can handle any negative comments right now. I don't know how to navigate through this and have no mental capacity to justify to them that having a little girl is not a fail. My husband doesn't care how his family reacts, but if their comments are hurtful, I will certainly burst into tears.

His family sound so weird. How did your husband’s family expect you both to have control over the gender of 3rd baby- do they have any basic concept of biology? Why is it their business if you have a 3rd anyway?

If it’s any consolation. There’s a big age gap between my sister and I. She doted on me while I was growing up and we’re best friends as adults.

I really don’t think it’s a given that they won’t bond. My two dd’s are 7 years apart. They love each other. They do bicker but I’d be surprised if they had no relationship in the future. My sister and I have a 12 year age gap and text most days. We’re pretty close

Surely you should count yourself lucky that you haven't had gender disappointment until your third? Some of us will never have a daughter or never have a son. If you had another boy your daughter would never experience a sister etc. I have 17 years between my sister and I and we get along brilliantly so I would really try not to stress about that. It's about personality not age gap I'd say.

If his family are negative, you both need to tell them fuck off. Horrible people.

The thing that will ruin the relationships between siblings is parents and wider family having views on how the children ‘should’ be, and treating them as more/less special based on their sex, age, order of birth etc. It causes jealousy and resentment and fucks things up, often into adulthood.

Siblings who are loved and experience a happy childhood together, with loving parents and family who don’t have favourites or pre conceived ideas of those children, will stand the best chance of being close through childhood and beyond.

Don't let your experience of having an estranged sibling or anyone else mess things up for you.

Get your husband to tell his family over the phone. You don’t have to witness their immediate reaction. Their gender disappointment is their problem to get over. You just focus on your own feelings about it.

Firstly, please speak up to your midwife or doctor about how you are feeling with regard to bonding with your third child. They can hopefully help you at this stage which will be much easier than waiting until baby is born.

Secondly it does not matter what anyone thinks so put your husbands family out of your mind. Their thoughts are completely irrelevant.

Thirdly, the relationship you have with your sister has nothing to do with the possible relationships between your children UNLESS you allow those feelings to impact their bonding so again - please seek help to move past your feelings on this.

Finally, a relationship isn’t close based on gender alone. A boy and a girl 6 years apart can be just as close (or not) as a girl and a girl or a boy and a boy. This has more to do with personalities than anything.

Be kind to yourself OP 🌸

There is 3 years age gap between me and my sister and we're not the best friends. We talk, but there's been a lot of conflict.

This was caused by our father abandoning us at a young age.

We were competing for my mother's affection and our mother pitted us also against each other.

On top of that, my sister also isn't an easy person.

Conflict can occur no matter the age gap.

You'll be fine. Your daughters will have a beautiful bond.

A healthy baby is a blessing, no matter the gender xx Take care

My good friend and her sister are 8 years apart and are best friends as well as sisters. Talk everyday and see other once a week, very much involved in each others lives with their own families too. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, that sounds so tough, but it doesn't mean that your girls will have the same experience and there are lots of siblings out there with big age gaps they are still really close.
Good luck with your pregnancy xxx

This doesn't sound like disappointment about the baby's gender so much as the exact age gap and gender combinations triggering something from your own experiences.

It sounds like you're getting caught up catastrophic thinking when your daughters (and their whole family situation) will be different to yours. You're different parents to your parents and they'll each have their own personalities and experiences.

Have you had counselling before to deal with the grief and negative feelings about your own family relationships?

I have a sister 13 months older and another 6 years younger and am much closer to the younger one although I love them both dearly. You are being unreasonable of course. When your new daughter is here she will find her place and it will be just right. You just haven’t met her yet.

It's really understandable that you're having these worries, but as others have said, there's really no reason to assume history will repeat itself. Your relationship with your sister is not just because of the age gap or the fact that you're the same sex. Two of the closest siblings I know are brothers 8 years apart; they are best friends. In my extended family there are all sorts of rifts between siblings with no sex/age gap pattern.

Age gaps mean nothing. I’ve got a twin brother and we have never got on from being toddlers to now being full grown adults with our own kids. We still don’t speak . Means nothing .

I would reach out to a therapist to discuss how you’re feeling. More than likely this is all just projection of your feelings about your relationship with your sister onto the relationship between your daughters. Ask for help, you deserve to feel better.

Sometimes you do feel really vulnerable when you are pregnant and worry about everything. Definitely talk to a counsellor or similar just to be able to get it all out of your head. If it helps my first children are 26 months apart (girl and boy) and my 3rd was 6.5 years from my middle one and 8.5 years from my eldest! We would never, ever have planned that age gap but he is so loved by his older brother and sister and they do so much with him as they are now adults and he’s a teenager - it’s wonderful for him! By the time he was 10 my eldest could drive and was always taking him out and about. So whilst it would not have been our plan it’s actually been something very special. I worried because my brothers and I (I’m the middle) are 15 months younger / 20 months older so the complete opposite. We are very close so I thought it would mess up the sibling relationship with such a big gap but it hasn’t at all.

I have just over a 5 year gap with my brother (I'm the eldest) and we are very close, we text often, meet up regular, we're more like friends and I get along really well with his girlfriend

My partner has a 5 year gap with his sister (she's elder) and again they are very close, speak every single day, I go on weekends away with her etc. A big age gap doesn't necessarily mean anything! It is what you make it!