Who can honestly say they are not as excited about their second pregnancy as they was about their first?

[OFSTEDoutstanding]

OK I am 17 weeks pregnant and have a ds who will bw almost 3 when this one is born. I am finding it really hard to feel excited or even sometimes any form of enthusiasm for this pregnancy. I know that once the baby arrives I will love it like I do my ds but what really worries me is how much it will affect him.
He is confident, happy and very well behaved and I am worried that this new arrival will change all that. We are very aware that we don't want him to feel pushed out so potty training, new bedroom and preschool will all start before the little one comes so he doesn't link them with the new arrival, but what if he doesn't like the baby?
I really don't get on with my sister and there are 4 years between us, I remember how I felt when she was born and still feel pushed out by my parents over the differences in the way we are treat by them.
Am I being a hormone filled paranoid mother or have some of you had experiences that you could warn me about?

Im pg with my second child and im not very attached to it at all. I have no excitement what so over and i just keep thinking great... i have to give birth again. Im not in a very good place emotionally atm so this might have something to do with it, but i also think that its because its not all shiney and new... with the first baby all the feelings you get are new and exciting where as i find everything about this one anoying. i think im just a bit of a hormonal cow atm!!! lol

The night after my second child was born I lay awake crying (new baby slept - of course!) and woorying that we had in some way ruined our dd1's life by having another baby and nothing would ever be as good for her again.

Next morning I go to get her up - she was a few months short of 3. The first thing she said when she saw me was 'Go find baby' - and off she went to do just that. They are the best of friends and both adore dd3 as well. Believe me - your ds will like the baby

Oh no! It'll all be fine - my ds arrived 2.5yrs after dd. I was really happy to be pregnant but apprehensive about dd's reaction and also much busier with work and parenting than first time around. I had various problems in pregnancy, bad 1st scan, CVS which came out fine but a lot of worry and eventually had a preplanned c-section against my wishes. The arival of my gorgeous son turned things around - dd fell totally in love with him and he's brought a whole new dimension to our family. Admittedly we have less time but on a positive note I worried much less too. Two years on, they get on amazingly well, love each other to bits, are affectionate, both have their moments but overall, I'm so pleased to have both of them.

i think its totally normal to be feeling like this when you are a first timer you have no idea whats going to happen now you do
The birth,those few hard weeks after feeling down for a bit not gettin enough sleep,but its ok not to feel to attatched,the minute baby is put in your arms you will prob cry

my baby is due in july its my 7th and when i found out i was pg i cried for days i kept thinking how this baby will affect everyone else me ,dh,other siblings feelings of guilt

but somehow once they are here we all just seem to blend in and out coping stategies change and kick in and its like we have never done it different.

all my lot love each other to bits ok its bit like an army regime at times and meal times for 8 each night well it gets a bit much as you can imagine.

you say how will your ds feel when baby arrives i suggest let him make lots of chioces over baby like what shall we put on him/her today what colour blanket,if baby is crying when being changed and all quiet after dressed etc....say what a good boy baby loves you for helping he/she is really happy now.....lots of praise

i have just finished work but i am an english teacher in a primary school so i am used to sharing the feelings and doing the feel good bit)
but honestly it will belnd in and be ok
have fun and enjoy the pregnancy.sorry to be long winded here but i have just bought a book called "mummy is having a baby" for me to read woth my youngest son who is 4 on sunday,places for his photo and wristband places for his to stick my new scan pics on to compare he is totally involved with my pregnancy and they all refer to my new baby already saying stuff like "do you think samuel will like that "
if you think the books will be helpful to your ds il have alook at what ive got for you

Totally normal if you ask me

Why be excited? You know what's happening in the pregnancy, you've been through it all before so there's no surprises or obsessions with miniscule details that will pass.

Yes you will love the baby when it arrives more than you can imagine as not only is it your baby, but it's your first baby's sibling .. it is a bigger love than first time round, a more rounded one almost .. just you wait and see.

I think you are right to do all that stuff first with DS .. but have one piece of advice .. start referring to the baby as 'your baby' to DS ... as in "What will we do with YOUR baby", "YOUR baby is coming soon", "shall we get this for YOUR baby"

honestly it will be fine.

oh there are 3.3 months between DS and DD .. they are now 7 and almost 4 .. they have a great relationship, he's never felt pushed out and is proud to have a baby sister and now a playmate

and the love you feel for them as a unit and individually far surpasses what you feel for your only child

oh I will warn you that your hormones could make you feel more 'in love' with 2nd child for a while ... that's because it's a baby and you are biologically programmed to protect it ...

Am 21 weeks with number 2 and not feeling glowy/obsessy/excited. AM feeling guilty that not feeling those things.

Feel:
will wreck ds's life (yes, rationally I know it won't)
terrified of labour
too old & lacking in energy for newborn and toddler stages
that I had left all the horrors behind
cross that lost 3 stone & felt fab & now getting massive

Nice eh?

IME nothing is quite the same as pg /birth /newborn stuff that you get with your firstborn.
I've done 6 now and really hanker for that ist pg feeling.

I hanker for it too and sort of feel I missed it. DS was a surprise and by the time I'd got used to it and stopped crying, he was nearly there. When he arrived it was FAB though.

I always thought I'd have a luxury preg with no.2, all preg yoga and books and charting the progress day by day but I haven't felt like that a bit!!!

LOL, when I was pregnant with 1st child I had "precious vessel" status with my DH and nothing was too much trouble.

When (7 months)pregnant with my second he asked in a very cross voice why I had left the bags we had taken away for the weekend at the bottom of the stairs and not carried them up. As he put it "Do I really have to do everything? I know you are pregnant but I don't believe your arms have dropped off".

I'm 8 wks pregnant with #2, and I do feel less excited about it - in fact I keep forgetting! My Mum called the other day and asked me how I was feeling and I answered
'Errr, fine?! Why wouldn't I be??'

But we do want two kids, and even if DS is temporarily a bit miffed about having to share DH and I with a lo, I do think long term he'll enjoy having a sibling.

Try not to imagine that your toddler will feel just as you did. Every situation is different, and I'm sure you will be conscious of this and will try even harder to make sure things go smoothly.

I also have a lot of faith in the hormonal bond that I know will kick in when the baby is placed in my arms......... ahhh!!

Hi - I feel exactly the same and glad to see it's not just me then. I'm 26 weeks with No 2 and I've barely given it a second thought. Even verging on not really wanting it Life is really complicated at the moment (we have our own business which is very up and down, my parents have just moved abroad and my inlaws are in scotland), DD1 is 2.5 and is everything to me and I can't imagine sharing her at the moment. I know that's silly though We found out it's probably another girl (sonographer about 70% sure) and DH is less than excited about that (we tried some hocus pocus natural methods to get a boy). I was a picture of health when pregnant with DD1, ate all the right things, glowed with health and excitement, this time I've had every flu, bug, cold virus going and have only really had an appetite for junk so feel a bit guilty about that too - But, if I was to wake up tomorrow and have complications and lose the pregnancy I would be devastated beyond belief??
I think I know deep down that it's all going to be ok and that this is what we really wanted to give DD1 a sibling (I'm an only child so I know the importance of having brothers and sisters) but I have been shocked by my lack of care or interest and feeling so detached from the movements.
I just want the pregnancy to be over so we can all meet the new baby and bond together.

I certainly don't want to sound smug, but I'm very excited about my second pg - my DD's 5yrs now and I wouldn't have been so looking forward to it had she been younger so I can completely appreciate how you feel!

We thought we'd only want one child because it was so easy and we enjoyed there just being the three of us, but my DD is so excited to have a 'siberling' and so that helps!

Don't worry about how you feel - its completely normal and I'm sure thousands of women have felt exactly the same!

I reckon it'll be easier when you can actually feel the baby moving - as I've found with my second I just forgot I was pregnant until recently. I don't have the time to obsess about it like I did the first time unfortunately. I just keep thinking that before DS1 was born, I couldn't imagine having a baby at all. Now it's like he's always been here, and I'm just presuming this will be the same. I am a bit worried DS will hate me for bringing a baby into the house, but to be honest, he'll have just turned 2 by then and within a week he may not remember it was ever any different...

I so easily could have written half these posts myself a few months ago!

I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and stressing about being so uninterested in the pregnancy 2nd time round. I worried that it meant I had made a mistake or thst I wouldnt bond with the baby when he was born.
One of the reasons for wanting a second child was to give DS1 a sibling, but all thrugh the pregnancy I stressed big time (and cried a lot!) about how he would cope with it and seriusly thought I had ruined his life by having another child

A friend sent me this poem , which made me cry again, but I thought it was lovely...

As i walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you?ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, ?Please love only me?. And I hear myself telling you in mine, ?I can?t?, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I?m afraid to let you see me enjoying him?as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times ? only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you ? as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven?t taken something from you, I?ve given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you?only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you?ll never share my love. There?s enough of that for both of you ? you each have your own supply.
I love you?-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

DS2 is 4 weeks old today. I loved him to bits the minute I saw him and so does DS1

I remember a couple of years ago standing in the kitchen and thinking " Oh Af must be due any day I feel really achey" etc etc and then I looked down and saw my, by then bloody enormous 9 month plus, preg belly and I remembered!!!
Mind you it was baby no. 5.

I am pg with my second child and there will be 2 yrs between them when this one is born. I do admit that before I felt it moving I kept forgetting I was pg. Also this one wasn't planned and the first one was so although I am happy about it, am not as excited as the first time round. The good thing is I am less worried and stressed this time. I remember with my first I panicked at every little pain or twinge. I am alot more laid back. I don't feel the need to read every little thing about prgnancy and I will hardly have to buy anything either.

hi myjobismum!!!
i am expecting my second and though there will be about 20 months between them i am dreading labour as i remember just how bloody awful it was!!! i am not excited at all as past experience with two m/c has left me a nervous wreck about this one. though i would not be devastasted it is the waiting for my first scan to reveal if all is ok. like my first pregnancy i never think beyond the actual pregnancy. so the idea of holding a baby in 7 months is not on my mind at all!! but if all goes well i will be happy.

Feeling guilty about the impact of a new arrival on a sibling is entirely normal. In fact, it's a kind of grieving. I was in the same boat and I explained my feelings to a friend with psychologist training and she said that what you're actually doing is grieving for the fact that a very intense one-on-one relationship is about to change forever. You've put so much love and energy into your first child, you've been half obsessed by them, naturally. Then you worry that the second will spoil everything, change their lives, not bond, etc. It's all normal. Nine months on, my toddler adores her baby sister. Yes, I still sometimes wistfully think how great it was when I had all the time in the world to devote to DD1, but DD2 has brought such an amazing new experience to her sister's life I wouldn't change it for the world. Good luck.

I feel the same but my first one is going to be 9 and a half when this new one comes. So we had a good few years just us. But I worry I can never like anyone the way I loved and love him. This is a good thread.

It seems once the baby comes people tend to love it, So I hope it is the same for me.

I found this with DD2. I was so keen to get pregnant and so happy to be pregnant but just felt different to when I had been pregnant with DD1. First time there was just the excitement of a totally new experience and looking forward to holding my very own little baby. I didn't have any idea what having a child would be like - my brain couldn't get past the whole magic of pregnancy/childbirth cute tiny baby thing.

Second time you are more tired and probably know lots of people with more than one child. You know hown hard it can be looking after one sometimes and you see other people struggling with or talking about struggling with two. Your excitement at the new baby arriving is tempered with the very real feeling that you just won't cope. Most first time pregnant women don't really feel like they won't be able to cope as they haven't really any idea what its going to be like.

Like everyone else though, when DD2 arrived I felt just as much love and excitement as I had with DD1 - more actually. Having a newborn baby the second time was much less of a shock and I actually did know what to do with her and felt much more confident. In the first few days with DD1 I was terrified - I couldn't change her, dress her or feed her on my own. I felt useless and it took me longer to bond with her. With DD2 I hit the ground running and did all those things fine without worrying straight away. As a result I could get on with falling in love with her without all that first-time-Mum anxiety.

Just got all sniffly at messages. Must be the hormones- I'm 28wks pg with DD2. I'm really excited about having 2 babes but also really tired and even bigger than first time.
With first pg I had so much more time to look forward to things (and sit in cafe's with my other pg friends!)
Anchovy: LOL- I totally agree with the feeling of not being so preciously pg this time and keep reminding DH that I am actually pg "don't you know!"
It helped for me to find out that we're having another girl and now I'm planning a lovely room for them to share once DD2 sleeps through. There will be 21 months between them and I hope they will be great friends as they grow up.
As for the birth; DD1's birth was relatively "easy" however I'm still terrified! So I'm trying to focus on the longer term.

By the way DD1 adores DD2 and although sometimes they both have to put up with not being the centre of Mummy's attention I really think they get so much from each other. I'm sure your Ds will be fine and will be chuffed to bits to be helping to look after his new baby sibling.