Smoking during pregnancy

[QueenGuinevere]

Hi, I have question and maybe someone has experienced the same as I am, and can help me.

My best friend and I have been very close since we met on the first day of primary school. I never liked children, I found them noisy and was uncomfortable around them. My friend was the exact opposite and has talked about having children since we were 15-16 years old. She would babysit for anyone that asked and wanted a child more than anything.

We’re now both 43 years old and because I found a man more amazing than I’d thought possible I now have the sweetest 14 year old boy and the giggliest 10 year old girl. My friend has never been anything but happy for me and she loves being around my children.

After kissing a lot of frogs she finally found a great guy a couple of years ago and now she’s finally pregnant.

The issue is that she has smoked since she was 16 and she’s tried quitting now, but she’s not able to. It is tearing her apart. She is feeling horribly guilty and it is ruining her ability to be happy that she finally is pregnant. She is hiding her smoking from her partner and cries almost every time we’re together.

While I am the kind that would not touch alcohol (I am not judging those who do) while pregnant and have never smoked, I hold her when she cries and I always tell her that the fact that she’s been able to go from 10-12 cigarettes a day to 4-5 is a huge feat and that the fact that she has managed that because she loves her unborn child so much is something she should be proud of.

She has these doomsday scenarios in her head that she’s killing her baby and that she’ll miscarry and that it will be her fault, and I keep assuring her that she absolutely will not. I’ve told her that every cigarette she manages not to smoke is a win and that 4-5 a day is not going to damage her unborn child.

The thing is, that from what I’ve read of research on the topic, this might not be true. As I understand it smoking increases the probability of asthma in children and that when she smokes she affects the amount of oxygen her unborn child gets through the placenta.

I truly believe the fact that she’s managed to cut her smoking in half is huge and that it must have been very difficult to do.

I will continue to support her and do what I can to try to help her get to a mental place where she can enjoy the pregnancy she has wanted since she was a teenager.

But should I try to encourage her to quit completely? I’m also worried I’m enabling something that might hurt her child and that she might cause her child to get chronic illnesses they would otherwise not have.

We have never talked about potential harmful side effects and I think she’s very aware of them, and that is most likely why this is so hard for her, and me bringing that up might only make it worse. It sounds like (from what she’s telling me) that I’m the one friend she has that is being nothing but supportive. And I’m afraid of what it would do to her if I too start trying to get her to quit instead.

I have not told my husband that she is smoking because I think he would judge her and tell my friend’s partner. In a way it feels like I’m carrying her secret too.

What do I do? 🥺

Her midwife will be able to direct her to appropriate local services for pregnant women in her situation. I would just encourage her to use that (of course she should give up smoking, this is a risky pregnancy due to her age and smoking with a newborn in the house is not good). She may not succeed in stopping but she's right to think she should

I was 12 when I started smoking. I'm a heavy smoker too. Got pregnant at 36 and cut down to 20 a day. I now have a very healthy happy toddler. The fact she's cut right down is definitely a win. I think you're doing the right thing not berating her for smoking because it just makes it worse. Just be there for her and help in any way you can. She's done really bloody well though. Quitting is hard, that's why I'm still a smoker.

Very difficult. I got pregnant at 43 (after a loss) & everything is heightened due to age. Miscarriage is very much on your mind… She should talk to her midwife, if she can find a way to stop then great.

You are obviously a very supportive friend which is great, and absolutely cutting down is a win. But you are also right in that she is still putting her child at more risk than if she wasn't smoking at all. Her midwife should be able to put her in touch with some support and in the meantime you need to keep encouraging her to cut down even more because if she did lose this baby (whether or not due to smoking) she will never forgive herself.

If she doesn't care about her baby the partner needs to be told

It is well and good going well it's her body but she is harming a baby

Someone needs to do something if she chooses not too

@WandaWonder just because she smokes, doesn't mean she doesn't care about her baby

4-5 cigarettes a day is really nothing. It won't affect the baby. Keep the secret. Everything will be fine.

Missing is right. If anything happens, she’ll blame the smoking. This pregnancy could be her last chance, in all likelihood.

Ps the midwife will know she smokes, they make you blow into a machine to check

Agree with this. She shouldn't have got pregnant if she wasn't going to stop smoking, it's horribly unfair to the unborn baby (previous smoker for 20+ years who quit as soon as I found out I was pregnant).

You’re being a good friend. She’s already consumed with guilt, so support is the way to go.

Ideally she would quit, but maybe she can manage to go from 5 to 4, and then maybe 4 to 3. Quitting smoking is supposedly the most difficult addiction to beat.

Of course, it’s not good for baby, but there are lots of kids born every day to women who smoked throughout their pregnancy.

I hope she can reduce, and eventually quit, and that her baby is ok.

I don’t know if you can get cold laser therapy in the UK, but my DH went from smoking 60+ per day to a non smoker pretty much instantly. One session is all it took. Best thing he ever did for himself.

Some horribly judgemental American-style comments on here. It's only 4-5 cigarettes a day. Millions of healthy babies have been born in such circumstances, me included. I'm not saying it's ideal, but there are so many other factors also less than ideal, such as obesity, and we're not all perfect breeding specimens.

Jesus so much judgement on here, speaking as someone who has smoked for more than 40 years, though I massively cut down when pregnant I smoked through all 3 pregnancies and all of my children are and always have been fine. My mum smoked through all her pregnancies and her and the Midwife shared a cigarette in the delivery room when my brother was born (I think normal in those days) Whilst I don't think it's ideal a few cigarettes a day will probably not hurt the child.

You don't know that. Sorry, terrible advice.

https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/basic_information/health_effects/pregnancy/index.htm#:~:text=Babies%20whose%20mothers%20smoke%20are,likely%20to%20die%20from%20SIDS.&text=Babies%20whose%20mothers%20smoke%20while%20pregnant%20or%20who%20are%20exposed,risk%20for%20many%20health%20problems.

I’m a nurse and I have health issues due to DNA damage caused by my mum smoking very heavily when pregnant with me. (Was the early 70’s and she was anorexic. She smoked so she wouldn’t put weight on.) She smoked over 100 cigs a day and of course died of lung cancer.

If anyone was going to judge, it would be me, but I’m not. She is TRYING to give up an extremely addictive substance. Yes, things could happen as a result of this, but it probably won’t. Things could go wrong for many, many other reasons as well - but they probably won’t.

I think she should talk to her midwife. Most of them are understanding and will have seen much worse. They see the obvious drug-addicted parents in the dysfunctional relationships who have their babies removed at birth. They shouldn’t be judging anyone who wants help trying to quit. Please tell her that I am proud of her for cutting right back.

You're quoting from a USA scare-mongering site. The US just LOVES controlling women, especially pregnant women. This post is about a woman smoking 4-5 cigarettes a day. It's not the fucking end of the world.

Of course it's harmful, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. She needs to stop, I'm sure there are lots of services to help with this, probably first point of call is the GP or midwife. She actually needs to want to stop though, the baby should be enough incentive I would hope

You "cut down to 20 a day" during pregnancy. How many were you smoking per day before that?
20 a day is extreme and would certainly have had an impact on the baby you were pregnant with. What you've said comes off like an inappropriate brag. What did you do about smoking after your baby was born?
I started smoking at age 14. I got pregnant with my only child at 21 and quit as soon as the line showed up on the test (4 weeks on the dot).
Was your post an attempt to justify your decision?

I use to smoke, my first pregnancy was a surprise, i quit but it was 12 weeks, i ended up with pre eclampsia and a baby weighing 4lbs :( i never touched a cigarette again and havent had the same complications again in other pregnancy. They think the cigarettes damaged the placenta whilst developing in the early weeks. There is no solid proof though.

Some people may get away with it but its more pot luck rather then being able to say so and so did and all was fine.

Not judging i know its hard, but reassuring it wont do anything when it can im not sure will help.

Can she swap to vapes and cut down nicotine on them to quit? Temporarily vapes are a bit easier on the baby till she can knock it on the head?

There are complex needs midwives that really support and help with quitting cigarettes is she under one?

But should I try to encourage her to quit completely?

Yes. She should speak to her midwife about it. It's not just about pregnancy but the baby's first few months and then years as well.

Im a dr. I certainty wouldn't be telling her its harmless as it most certainly isn't. Smoking causes placental defects, intrauterine growth restriction, prematurity all sorts.

Her age already makes her higher risk

Try to get her to vape its less toxic crap going to the baby

My mum smoked with me I was premature tiny and had to go to special care

As someone who quit smoking...
If she really wants to quit she should switch up her routine. You have smoking places and smoking times.
Eg outside Tottenham court road on your way to work.
Outside your back door.

If she is on 4 a day what will happen is she is fixating on "9am" smoke outside her back door.
You also learn to smoke "more efficiently" ie. Inhale deeper longer more frequently as the 9am smoke is more "special"

going somewhere new and just going cold turkey eg take no cigarettes and go somewhere rural or to visit you or something...

Once you've done a week or so you have done most of the work.
You then lock your back door and put the key somewhere insanely annoying and hard to reach, you get off the train at Holborn instead of Tottenham court road OR you take exit 4 instead of your usual exit 2

I mainly cracked after a drink (not really an issue in pregnancy)

Also I had to break the "you've failed there's no point" mentality and view it as a one off deviation.
I probably smoked about 20 cigarettes across the year after I gave up. Maybe 5 in year 2?
The morning after I'd often throw away a pack of 18 or 19 cigarettes...
I viewed it as part of journey...

She needs to keep trying to quit it's not okay and will continue to be an issue when baby is born

Hi, I'm not in the post anymore but I was a specialist smoking cessation advisor for pregnant women in my previous job.

Every cigarette smoked in pregnancy decreases the amount of oxygen the baby receives and increases the level of carbon monoxide it receives. There is no safe level of smoking in pregnancy.

Having said that, your friend will have been referred to a specialist midwife at the beginning of her pregnancy (unless she declined their support, which she is entitled to do).

As she is already feeling guilty about it, there really isn't much that you can do and I definitely wouldn't press the issue further.

I was 40 a day. And no it's not bragging. My baby is 100% healthy. 7 years smoking is alot different to 24 years. I'm still a smoker just not around my son.

Yes she should stop - sorry but this kind of thing really frustrates me. If your baby isn't enough then what is?! 🤷🏼‍♀️