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Original poster

Visiting newborn

59 replies

Tarah32 · 07/11/2023 20:33

so I know this topic has been posted about so many times but just wanting to get it off my mind really.

Me and my husband are expecting our first baby in December (due date 23rd 😬🤣) and we have recently been thinking about what we are doing for Christmas and visitors when the baby arrives.

My parents live 5 minutes away and so we see them regularly whereas his family live just over 5 hours away and so we see them much less, maybe 2 or 3 times a year.

The original plan for this Christmas was to spend it with his parents however since we will either have a newborn or i will be heavily pregnant we are staying at home. My parents have invited us around for Christmas dinner but have said if we wanted to spend the day at home then that’s fine and they are pretty chilled about Christmas so we don’t need to decide 100% until the day but I have said it would be nice to have dinner with them since I don’t think we will feel like cooking and as they live 5 minutes away it is not a big journey (and it will be nice to spend it with them of course).

I also mentioned to my husband that maybe it could be a good idea (if we are in hospital for that long) for my parents to visit us in hospital as it will take away the stress of having visitors at home and will be nice to see them for a short amount of time without it being overwhelming.

My husband now feels like I am leaving out his parents as they will want to see their granddaughter too and they have expressed their wishes to see her asap and have said they could stay for a couple of weeks.

Whilst I know it is important for them to visit, but as they live so far away, it is likely they will be staying for at least few days.

The problem is I naturally get overwhelmed at absolutely any changes to my routine (trust me I know I’m a nightmare 🤣). So although I don’t know how I am going to feel, it is very likely that I am going to struggle with any visitors postpartum that I wouldn’t usually see.

I know it is unfair on my husband and his parents to not let them visit soon after but I am already struggling with the concept of visitors (tbh I struggle without having a baby 😭🤣) so has anyone got any advice?

Also just to add, it is causing tension with the in laws that my parents will likely be visiting sooner and so I feel guilty about letting them visit if it is going to cause an issue. My family know what I am like 😅 so they have said they will just wait and see how we feel but in all honesty I think it would be a comfort to see them since we are so close and they can pop round for 10 minutes with short notice.

Sorry for the essay 😭 but if anyone has managed to get to the end, has anyone got any advice or tips on how to deal with visitors with a newborn?

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DrMarshaFieldstone · 07/11/2023 20:39

The obvious answer seems to be for your in-laws to stay in a hotel.

Meeting · 07/11/2023 20:44

Tell your in laws that they can come to meet the baby but they can't stay for days/weeks and will need to stay in a hotel.

I do think it's unfair to allow your parents to come to the hospital and also your home but not allow the other set of grandparents the same.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/11/2023 20:45

Get your in laws to stay in a hotel and I’d also say no to your parents visiting in hospital

VivaVivaa · 07/11/2023 20:46

Hard to know. Are you planning on literally seeing your parents in hospital then not seeing them/anyone again for a couple of weeks? Or will they be popping in quite often when you are home from hospital as well? If it’s the latter then I think it’s pretty unfair to say your inlaws can’t meet the baby too. However it is completely reasonable to request they don’t stay in your house. An air bnb or a hotel is a much better option.

Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 20:48

Imo start the way you mean to go on and stop the bloody dgps competition right now...

WeightoftheWorld · 07/11/2023 20:48

VivaVivaa · 07/11/2023 20:46

Hard to know. Are you planning on literally seeing your parents in hospital then not seeing them/anyone again for a couple of weeks? Or will they be popping in quite often when you are home from hospital as well? If it’s the latter then I think it’s pretty unfair to say your inlaws can’t meet the baby too. However it is completely reasonable to request they don’t stay in your house. An air bnb or a hotel is a much better option.

Agreed

Kitkat1523 · 07/11/2023 20:49

Sounds like you playing favourites already

Dahlia444 · 07/11/2023 20:50

Nice to be considerate of your DH and his relationship with his parents (as long as there's no back story etc) so maybe try and make a plan that would work for you all. Hotel is reasonable though. Tbh, much to my surprise I loved having my in laws to stay when babies were born, more than my parents. You might be surprised too!

VivaVivaa · 07/11/2023 20:52

The problem is I naturally get overwhelmed at absolutely any changes to my routine

Also, and I mean this kindly as I too was a little like this pre children, maybe start doing a bit of work on this before having a newborn. Just to make the relentless first months a little easier. Routine and newborns aren’t generally things that go hand in hand sadly x

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/11/2023 20:52

I couldn't have my in laws in my house for a week or two, love them but no.

Suggest hotel or BNB and say they are more than welcome to visit the baby.

If they visit at hospital people don't tend to stay longer than an hour.

Original poster
Tarah32 · 07/11/2023 20:55

@VivaVivaa I was planning on allowing my parents to visit the hospital to avoid any home visits for a week or so (all depending on how we both feel).

I have mentioned the hotel idea but it didn’t go down well, maybe I just need to suggest it closer to the time and fingers crossed it goes better.

just to clarify it would be lovely for them to visit for an hour or so, just not the days/weeks that have been suggested. However @Dahlia444 you are right I could be completely surprised and love for them to stay.

OP posts:
Ywlala92 · 07/11/2023 20:58

I've no advice but do think it's unfair. It's not a grandparents competition as someone above said, but more you love your parents and want them around to it's only natural DH would feel the same about his parents? But yes defo don't let them stay. You could go 2 weeks over or early so not very good for planning or trying to organise separate accommodation. Could they stay with your parents?

Also FWIW, (and my reason for posting 😅), I would've absolutely hated anyone visiting me in the hospital apart from OH!

VivaVivaa · 07/11/2023 20:59

I have mentioned the hotel idea but it didn’t go down well, maybe I just need to suggest it closer to the time and fingers crossed it goes better

Stand your ground on this. I actually loved having visitors in the newborn period as it helped me feel more human, but no way would I have wanted to have people stay in my house 24/7. Even my own parents.

StrawberryWillow · 07/11/2023 21:08

I agree with others that your in laws should definitely stay in a hotel, it's not fair to put that on you. You don't know how your birth will go, for example if you have a c section the recovery is a lot longer. Surely your in laws accept that your parents are close by so naturally will see baby sooner?! My advice would be to take as much time as you need for you and your DH to spend with your new baby, I massively regret having visitors so soon, I still regret it 2 years later.

Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 21:10

Well when dh pushes a dc out of his nether regions and has leaky boobs he gets to decide who he is hosting.. Likely would be nobody at all..

Original poster
Tarah32 · 07/11/2023 21:12

Tarah32 · 07/11/2023 20:55

@VivaVivaa I was planning on allowing my parents to visit the hospital to avoid any home visits for a week or so (all depending on how we both feel).

I have mentioned the hotel idea but it didn’t go down well, maybe I just need to suggest it closer to the time and fingers crossed it goes better.

just to clarify it would be lovely for them to visit for an hour or so, just not the days/weeks that have been suggested. However @Dahlia444 you are right I could be completely surprised and love for them to stay.

Just to add, If the in laws wanted to visit in hospital as well then that would be ideal. It’s the distance that is the issue as it is a 5 hour journey so it’s not reasonable for them to travel for a short visit and wouldn’t expect them to travel so far just to leave again so soon

OP posts:
crew2022 · 07/11/2023 21:14

It's very unfair to your in laws. Just put yourself in their position.

Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 21:20

Having a baby isn't about being fair to every relative.. It isn't op's fault her ils live 5 hours away. Why isn't it on them to move closer? If they want a relationship with henrondgv it is up to them to forge one. They know where op lives..

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/11/2023 21:22

You will be the one who has just given birth and be recovering, it needs to be what makes you feel the most comfortable. You'll be bleeding, sore, exhausted and vulnerable.

I wouldn't be entertaining adults throwing wobblers about things not being fair. It isn't about them and what they want.

yikesanotherbooboo · 07/11/2023 21:28

I found it quite boring sitting around with a newborn( admittedly in the days before paternity leave) so welcomed a bit of company and someone to wash the kitchen floor and do the ironing.I do think you should try to find a way for DH's parents to visit you all if you can. All the parents have expertise with infants that , as yet, you don't; it can be useful.

Pippinpops85 · 07/11/2023 21:40

personally i think you just need to put your foot down a bit here. you arent saying you dont want your inlaws to visit and see baby you just dont want them there 24/7 and thats completely normal. you will have just had a baby and you need time to adjust to having a newborn and lets be honest your emotions will be all over the place for a few weeks and depending on the birth you may be quite uncomfortable for a while and will need to relax and have your home comforts, having guests will not be ideal for that.

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 07/11/2023 21:43

My MIL lived five mins from us and my parents about 7hrs. MIL got to meet DS1 the day after he was born, my parents had to wait a couple of weeks. I'm much, much closer to my parents but I didn't want full-time visitors straight away, so they held off until I was ready. That's not playing favourites, it's being practical.

FIL also got to meet DS1 before my parents did, but he arrived with a stinking cold and got banned for a good while afterwards 😑

Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 21:53

How fair is fair? Keep tabs of who changes the most nappies?Will you be expected to keep dc awake so they all have the same time holding an awake dc? Push the pram the same minutes at each visit? Do you want your life like that?

Ywlala92 · 07/11/2023 22:03

Well when dh pushes a dc out of his nether regions and has leaky boobs he gets to decide who he is hosting.. Likely would be nobody at all..

@Ibravedaflood Oh for God sake, what an utterly ridiculous response!

Marshmallowtoastie · 07/11/2023 23:28

I never understand why people are confused that a woman may want her family there more than her in laws. I know for certain my mil would rather see her ds than me, why isn’t it ok for me to prefer to see my dm over her?
in mine and most of my friends cases when in laws visit they want to be hosted, and they want to see the baby
when my family come round they want to support me and see the baby.
that doesn’t mean long term we won’t see them and I won’t let them bond with my child, just that it’s really stressful or tiring time, and they’re not helpful in that moment.
I’m also very confused why things must be ‘fair’ they’re not children in a playground and the baby isn’t a new shiny toy to entertain them. And Certainly what is ‘fair’ between grandparents isnt necessarily fair to you.
i think you have to offer neither or both the hospital, but you can go to your family for Christmas Day no problem
and you don’t have to host in-laws for days! It’s only 5 hours travel, they can do one night in a hotel and pop in for an hour or two each day (for two days max!) when you’re ready. Or they can visit in the hospital, or they can wait till you can host them. That’s plenty of options.
your dh needs to support you and realise this is a major thing happening for you, it’s not about what’s fair for his family it’s about what makes his wife and baby comfortable.