Visiting newborn

[Tarah32]

so I know this topic has been posted about so many times but just wanting to get it off my mind really.

Me and my husband are expecting our first baby in December (due date 23rd 😬🤣) and we have recently been thinking about what we are doing for Christmas and visitors when the baby arrives.

My parents live 5 minutes away and so we see them regularly whereas his family live just over 5 hours away and so we see them much less, maybe 2 or 3 times a year.

The original plan for this Christmas was to spend it with his parents however since we will either have a newborn or i will be heavily pregnant we are staying at home. My parents have invited us around for Christmas dinner but have said if we wanted to spend the day at home then that’s fine and they are pretty chilled about Christmas so we don’t need to decide 100% until the day but I have said it would be nice to have dinner with them since I don’t think we will feel like cooking and as they live 5 minutes away it is not a big journey (and it will be nice to spend it with them of course).

I also mentioned to my husband that maybe it could be a good idea (if we are in hospital for that long) for my parents to visit us in hospital as it will take away the stress of having visitors at home and will be nice to see them for a short amount of time without it being overwhelming.

My husband now feels like I am leaving out his parents as they will want to see their granddaughter too and they have expressed their wishes to see her asap and have said they could stay for a couple of weeks.

Whilst I know it is important for them to visit, but as they live so far away, it is likely they will be staying for at least few days.

The problem is I naturally get overwhelmed at absolutely any changes to my routine (trust me I know I’m a nightmare 🤣). So although I don’t know how I am going to feel, it is very likely that I am going to struggle with any visitors postpartum that I wouldn’t usually see.

I know it is unfair on my husband and his parents to not let them visit soon after but I am already struggling with the concept of visitors (tbh I struggle without having a baby 😭🤣) so has anyone got any advice?

Also just to add, it is causing tension with the in laws that my parents will likely be visiting sooner and so I feel guilty about letting them visit if it is going to cause an issue. My family know what I am like 😅 so they have said they will just wait and see how we feel but in all honesty I think it would be a comfort to see them since we are so close and they can pop round for 10 minutes with short notice.

Sorry for the essay 😭 but if anyone has managed to get to the end, has anyone got any advice or tips on how to deal with visitors with a newborn?

Having a baby in Covid, I would have chewed my arm off to have a visitor!! Visiting hours were rationed and I begged to leave after 24hrs. I don’t think you know how you will be until it happens. I would have loved even more visitors in the first week as the ones that came brought food and helped. I loved seeing my siblings, parents and in-laws holding our child. I thought I would have wanted to be in bed nursing, but it turned out that wasn’t me. I loved people I loved loving our baby. It was so joyful, as a person who hated to be centre of attention, I loved my loved ones bonding with our baby. Maybe I’m just lucky with my friends and family.

@Torganer yes I think you had a different experience. And I agree you don’t know until it happens. My first was born during covid restrictions too (but not lockdown), TBF I described the ward as hell on Earth (it was a heatwave with no aircon, we’re outdoorsy people and I couldn’t see a window either). Second time I refused to stay unless I had my own room, which to their credit they arranged, but I mistakenly headed for a late lunch (sandwiches only at that time) and the patients dining room on the ward was like a crèche. It was another heatwave, I had to stay longer because of complications, my vagina felt like I’d been smacked with a cricket bat, I was carrying a bag of urine around and I wasn’t allowed to go outside to get some air. It’s shitty when you need to rest and recuperate to have everyone visiting and kids running up and down the halls. I can’t imagine if I’d had to share a room.

We had a stream of visitors once I got home as my milk came in and I got the standard baby blues. I’m a fairly open book but didn’t want people (in laws mainly) seeing me like that and it was a lot of work keeping tears at bay.

I recently gave birth and I was only allowed 2 visitors for 1hr a day in hospital. That was my hospital's guidance. I stayed in for three days. Naturally I chose my parents because I'd suffered trauma and had post natal anxiety. I kept crying and bleeding.

My in laws live a few hours away (like yours) and MIL wanted to stay around here and come to the hospital as soon as I gave birth. I said no. MIL threw a strop and ignored me and DP for a while and we only communicated through FIL who understood why I didn't want in laws there. They came round a few days after I came home.

Ignore the posters who say you need to treat grandparents 'fairly.' In laws just want newborn cuddles and that can wait.

It's a tricky one.

I personally think it's easier for in-laws and others to visit when one is still in hospital, as that way no pressure to entertain and time is limited too. But this obviously assumes you have a hospital stay. Many are sent home on the day? Although if it's your first, maybe unlikely?

I had a very quick birth, and was sent home on the day and had a very quick recovery. I would have preferred my in-laws to have visited in the first 2 days. Once my milk started coming in (around 3-4 days) I felt very down and blue and teary for the next 3-5 days and tired by the sleep deprivation. So in hindsight I'd probably have arranged the visit earlier. The challenge is not knowing what type of birth and recovery you will have ... And you do have to play it by ear. Just bear in mind the longer you leave the visit, the more the expectation will be to stay longer and entertain more.

That is way too much planning for someone who's going to have a baby 2 days before Christmas.

If it's your first, you might be overdue (I had to be induced a week after the due date). In this case, you will be heavily pregnant and you need to do what makes you comfortable!

If your baby comes on the 23rd, I'm guessing you will stay in the hospital for a few nights. I did stay with mine for 2 nights as it was my first and I had no idea what I was doing.

Personally, the last thing I would want is family members around. You will have a newborn, trying to figure out breastfeeding (or bottle feeding) you will be tired, your body will be in pain and you will feel like you look awful.
Family members with their unwanted opinions and "help" would be the last thing I would need.

I have heard from lots of people that it can get quite boring so you’re right that some company could be nice, I am coming round to the idea that I may actually want visitors (albeit slowly 🤣)
The In laws do have some health issues (for context they live alone but have help from family with cooking and cleaning) and so I wouldn’t expect them to be helping around the house although their expertise could come in handy.

OP if you’re current situation is that you’ll just be waiting to go into labour naturally, i’d honestly tell them all just to ‘see how it goes’ at the time. You have no idea when you’ll give birth, early or late so no point booking hotels really. As PPs mentioned, you may also end up with a c section.

In terms of hospital visits, you may be in there 1 night or 3 nights for example. You may not be up to any visits.

Biggest rule is don’t invite anyone over in tbe early days unless they are coming to give practical help and let you rest.

I would also be cautious about any ‘expertise’ they have. My mum is always talking about birth in ‘her day’ and it’s all changed, including lots of advice. She also recommended a medicine to give my baby that is now banned in the UK.

yes very true! It always amazes me how different advice was when our parents had children.