Visiting newborn

[Tarah32]

so I know this topic has been posted about so many times but just wanting to get it off my mind really.

Me and my husband are expecting our first baby in December (due date 23rd 😬🤣) and we have recently been thinking about what we are doing for Christmas and visitors when the baby arrives.

My parents live 5 minutes away and so we see them regularly whereas his family live just over 5 hours away and so we see them much less, maybe 2 or 3 times a year.

The original plan for this Christmas was to spend it with his parents however since we will either have a newborn or i will be heavily pregnant we are staying at home. My parents have invited us around for Christmas dinner but have said if we wanted to spend the day at home then that’s fine and they are pretty chilled about Christmas so we don’t need to decide 100% until the day but I have said it would be nice to have dinner with them since I don’t think we will feel like cooking and as they live 5 minutes away it is not a big journey (and it will be nice to spend it with them of course).

I also mentioned to my husband that maybe it could be a good idea (if we are in hospital for that long) for my parents to visit us in hospital as it will take away the stress of having visitors at home and will be nice to see them for a short amount of time without it being overwhelming.

My husband now feels like I am leaving out his parents as they will want to see their granddaughter too and they have expressed their wishes to see her asap and have said they could stay for a couple of weeks.

Whilst I know it is important for them to visit, but as they live so far away, it is likely they will be staying for at least few days.

The problem is I naturally get overwhelmed at absolutely any changes to my routine (trust me I know I’m a nightmare 🤣). So although I don’t know how I am going to feel, it is very likely that I am going to struggle with any visitors postpartum that I wouldn’t usually see.

I know it is unfair on my husband and his parents to not let them visit soon after but I am already struggling with the concept of visitors (tbh I struggle without having a baby 😭🤣) so has anyone got any advice?

Also just to add, it is causing tension with the in laws that my parents will likely be visiting sooner and so I feel guilty about letting them visit if it is going to cause an issue. My family know what I am like 😅 so they have said they will just wait and see how we feel but in all honesty I think it would be a comfort to see them since we are so close and they can pop round for 10 minutes with short notice.

Sorry for the essay 😭 but if anyone has managed to get to the end, has anyone got any advice or tips on how to deal with visitors with a newborn?

@Marshmallowtoastie i mentioned fairness. I'm not talking about grandparents, I'm talking about between the OP and her husband. Both are becoming new parents, both need support, both are entitled to want their parents to meet their first child. Loads of people will preach the "well he doesn't have a womb and vagina" bullshit.... 🙄 Yawnnnn!!!!. Yes ultimately OP will obviously need more support, but it's a major thing happening both of them. I would be nipping the hosting in the bud though for sure.

Similar set up for me. My parents visited me and baby in hospital. MIL was angry because she wanted to be there as soon as I pushed my baby out. Thankfully DP stood up for me. I was the patient after all. They came round for a few hours a few days after I left hospital. If your in laws want to visit then they should either make it a day trip or stay in a hotel.

Definitely go to your parents' for Christmas. Also, it's completely normal to want your own mum there and not your MIL. Your mum is there to support her daughter and grand child. Your MIL just wants newborn cuddles.

Stay in hospital as long as you can OP. Tell DP ILs can stay with him when you are in hospital but when you come home you want no one staying.

You will be exhausted and want to concentrate on the baby. They can decide to stay in a hotel or go home.

DH will likely be glad of someone to look after him when you are in hospital and the house should be reasonable when you get home.

Do they usually stay 2 weeks at a time? 500 miles is not that far. They can come back in a few months when you are settled.

Do you have a particular reason to expect a long stay in hospital? If you are in the UK and using the NHS you will be discharged pretty quickly unless there is a complication for one of you. Even after a c-section you will usually be discharged within 48-72 hours depending on hospital policy. You can’t ask to stay longer if there is no medical need. If baby comes first thing in the morning then you may not even stay overnight.

Please don't do anything you're not comfortable with postpartum. Slightly different, but I really struggled with postpartum anxiety and was not comfortable with in laws visiting for hours at a time or passing ds around. I did give in to keep the peace, but it built so much resentment and just caused further issues down the line. I agree with others, they can stay in a hotel - nobody should expect to stay with brand new parents!

Could your parents host them? Have Christmas dinner there even and you could come around 30 mins before it was ready then leave an hour or so afterwards, everyone gets a quick cuddle, ticks all boxes.

Both our sets of parents live a similar distance away. Both sets came down and stayed in hotels shortly after my first ds was born. It was great, we wanted to show him off. And it was wonderful to see them meet their grandson. Fwiw my in laws were much more practical use than my parents...

have expressed their wishes to see her asap and have said they could stay for a couple of weeks.

Who says they’ll go and stay with new parents for a couple of weeks?!!

I would say you’re happy to see them and of course they’ll want to see the baby, but you don’t want house guests with a newborn. You need to get your DH on side here. Can’t they book an Airbnb for a weekend and you see them twice?

1. Having people stay in your house for a prolonged length of time will likely be too much, stand firm on the hotel.

2. Daytime visitors for an hour or two absolutely made the newborn stage enjoyable for me. So maybe try and shift your mindset (eg the bit about your own parents not coming for a week after the hospital.) Newborn days and nights are long and often boring. Visitors make it all special, exciting and an event. They bring joy to what is otherwise quite a grind.

We have a big family. My in-laws drove 5 hours to meet DS in hospital, then stayed with other relatives until we came home (CSec). Had everyone at home to greet us. But then they tidied up and went home or to other family.
We'd said no staying over to anyone as we knew nights would be broken and wanted time to ourselves while DH on paternity leave.
We are lucky though. Lovely family on both sides. Plus FIL adores children. Crowd when we called to say I was pregnant. Cried when he met DS. He's also great now at entertaining them when we stay as he actually likes getting up at crack of dawn to play with them giving a lie in.

Hospital can be dreary especially if they are slow to discharge. I really looked forward to visits so you might feel differently once baby is here.

I know it’s 25 years since I had a baby, but the principal is the same 😂

my midwife told me, that even though I left the hospital the day after it didn’t mean I was up and well.

my PIL’S were a nightmare, as soon as I was home they arrived ( DH always told his mum everything) as luck would have it I was in the shower when they arrived. So I put pjs on, yes at 2pm much to her horror, and drifted down for ten minutes, baby needed feeding so upstairs we went. DH took baby back down later but I stayed in bed. She was horrified, they hadn’t had dinner and by this time it was 6! When would I be down to cook, I had made them tea and then expected them, the guests, to fend for themselves? I went to sleep, apparently they left soon after.

my parents arrived the next day and they arrived an hour later. My mum has pushed me back to bed at they pulled up and made a big thing of doing some chores then suggested they all leave. MIL was really put out she expected to stay the day ! And she hadn’t even been offered a cup of tea, I was upstairs listening, wetting myself with laughter. Yes I know DH should have stepped in but he was under his mothers thumb at that stage.

I should point out both grandparents had each had a quick visit to the hospital so had seen baby.

so in answer to your question. Yes you will probably be up to visitors all going well, but it’s up to you, if you don’t feel up to them there’s not a thing anyone can say if you go back to bed and leave them to it.

if your MIL is a helper, then suggest she comes Boxing Day perhaps, stay a night maybe and stress the maybe, two nights. I would FT a few times before that. Stress that you’re going to your parents for dinner because it’s Christmas Day and it will save you cooking, but saying that - you might not want to, maybe your mum would ship over Christmas dinner for you and daddy it’s only 10 minutes away ( make sure she supplies plenty of left overs for the next couple of day 😀 )

it’s all subject to how much a worker your MIL is, if she arrives stays and leaves leaving you well cared for, and the chores well up to date, then a night of two is fine, if she’s like my MIL then no. Also take into account how close you are to you PIL’s, you will be at your worst, sore/tired/bleeding/sore/emotional/sore/stressed I could go on, if you have the relationship that will be ok then find, if she was like my MIL who would expect me to look good and be the perfect hostess then no ( I would like to point out the MIL stayed 6 weeks in a nursing home when he 2 were born, and then had a nurse for another 2 weeks when she got home 😱🙄)

I had a similar scenario, but the other way round. My parents live a long way away and my husband’s live close. My parents stayed in a hotel nearby and visited the baby, brought food up for all of us so I didn’t have to cook. My in-laws also visited in the first week, brought food etc. my in-laws see the baby a lot more than my parents due to distance, so I really wanted to be able to accommodate my parents so they can have great bond like I did with my grandparents.

It depends on the in-laws surely? Mine came down very soon after birth and stayed for a week, but then MIL is really brilliant for helping out, so I didn't t mind at all. Also my parents hosted a couple of dinners, so that helped too.

The way I see it is that your parents live close by so naturally they will see their granddaughter more often, it's just the way it is and wanting to share the time equally between all is just not realistic in my opinion. Your in-laws could come and stay in a hotel if they so wish but to tell your parents not to come to the hospital if you are happy to have them there is a bit weird.

All these comments about being fair are a bit bonkers. Those living 5 hours away will obviously see the baby less. That's just the way it is.

A 2-week stay when you've just had a newborn could be either haven or hell depending on the people. But regardless, if YOU don't want guests, don't have them.

What would be good is if your parents could host PILs. They can all enjoy the 'being a new grandparent' bubble together. If that's not possible then PILs need to go and stay in a hotel.

Oh my word, your situation is exactly the same as mine! Literally down to the due date. So glad you created this thread.

We are told so many times it's so important for the mum to rest, and yet how can we when other people's expectations are put on us making us feel bad?

This is the one time when you can be selfish, do what's right for you ultimately! And your husband needs to accept that. You will have/about to be bringing life in to this world which is no easy task. You will be completely out of sorts and world turned upside down. I don't understand why anyone would think you would want visitors so soon.

I would say to them something along the lines of that

'I can't wait to be able to introduce you to the baby and to spend some quality time with you. Our midwife has advised that for the first couple of weeks we don't do any hosting visitors as that'll give us breathing space to find our feet as parents. My parents are going to pop into the hospital for half an hour to meet baby but I know that with so far to travel, a short visit probably isn't ideal for you. I'd love it if you came to stay for a week mid-January or similar. Will you be free around that time?'

I do think it's important to show you IL that you want to facilitate a relationship between them and the baby. Equally, no one should feel pressured into having overnight visitors when they bring their newborn home. It's about communicating your warmth towards you IL and showing that you will love to have them to stay, once you've had a bit of recovery time.

I was thinking this too. Do they get on well? I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house for two weeks. Post partum or not!

Echoing @Ywlala92 , visitors in hospital are horrible. But even if you do want that I’d wait and see how you feel. With DC1 I was in 2 nights and didn’t want to see anyone other than DH for more than 2 hours at a time once I was home. With DC2 I could hardly move for the first 10 days (not due to a section) and similarly didn’t want to see anyone. Also agree with PP about routines with a baby. It takes a while to get into a rhythm but I wouldn’t call it a routine.

Ps 23 is a great birthday, good luck

Just say you don’t want anyone to stay at your house after baby is born. Visitors are very welcome but they will have to sort out their own accommodation. No point making any plans now as baby might be early/late and who knows how your recovery will be. My dad wanted to come and see my second DC 5 days after they were born but I’d had a C-section and I was just too knackered to think about getting the house straight enough for overnight visitors. Just be firm and yet reassure your DH’s parents that you can’t wait for them to meet baby and as soon as you feel well/human enough to have people stay they will be first on the list.

Get dh tk tell his parents they are welcome to meet baby when they arrive

But no way are you up for guests so if they want to stay a few days then a prem inn

Obv they can pop over for a meal /few hours but not 24hr live in service x

Very well said.

My parents came to visit a few days after my birth, before I was ready and only because I gave in to them pushing as they were impatient. They live around 4 hours away. I had an infection and didn't realise that's why I was struggling so much, but gave in to please them and by the time they'd made the journey I was in too much pain to even make it downstairs. I didn't want and wasn't ready for visitors. My in laws also kept finding reasons to pop round while I was still upstairs with DD. In hindsight I should have been stronger.

My parents did help when they arrived (while my in-laws who live down the road did very little despite visiting a lot more), but I was in no state to enjoy anyone meeting their grandchild for the first time and I regret that SO much. We should have waited until I was up to it, for all GPs.

I'd ask for flexibility and patience as you don't know how you will be, but without a doubt a hotel is the way to go for the inlaws. Just tell them they'll get better sleep.

@Ywlala92 i don’t believe I referenced you in my comment

Loads of people will preach the "well he doesn't have a womb and vagina" bullshit.... 🙄 Yawnnnn!!!!.
quite a large and relevant fact to be dismissive of, in the context of discussing post birth recovery.

Glad to know someone is in the same situation as me @andpeggy1! Do you have any plans in mind if you don’t mind me asking?

I think ultimately I am not going to decide on anything until baby is here. DH has said it is up to me and ultimately will be supportive of whatever I decide, I think he has just been getting comments from MIL implying she feels left out which i never intended as nothing has been decided yet.

In response to staying with my parents, I have young siblings and so they already have a full house and unfortunately wouldn’t be able to host the in-laws. I think reading the comments it seems the hotel idea is the way to go so when the time comes I will suggest again and maybe even suggest to pay for a nice hotel for them as a Christmas gift 🤔

I do think having people stay is a big ask, so suggest the hotel idea nearer the time. But I do think you need to be fairnto your DH and his parents- think how you'd feel if it was the other way around!

Also...you may feel differently but having visitors at the hospital might not be as great as you think it is! I wouldn't have wanted anyone there other than my DH!