Do we keep the baby, torn parents feeling so lost!

MarmiteMumma · 2023-11-03T17:57:03+00:00

The week before last I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I have a 2 year old, they're the light of our lives and a wonderful character, but they have health issues. When those flare up they need quite a bit of care, however when they're fine it's fine. I'm 40 and would be 41 when the baby is born. My husband has ASD and we're currently struggling for money (isn't everyone?!) My husband is terrified that we can't afford another child, his ASD won't cope with it and that it would take much needed time and care away from our current child, he's also worried that because we have one child with health issues the second would also have health issues. We don't really have any family support network but we do have good friends. I can't get my head around the idea that I have to make a decision to either end one life, or to potentially damage two existing lives by going through with the pregnancy. I've been sticking my head in the sand as I feel so lost, but there's only so long I can do that before I have to decide. Any advice would be so welcome! Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

pregnantmom101 · 03/11/2023 18:04

this is a very hard situation to be in, but at the end of the day only you and your husband can make that decision ye both need to sit down and talk about all the pros and all the cons. it will be the most difficult decision ye will ever have to make regardless if you choose to keep this baby or not. do whatever feels right for ye.... to me reading this it sounds like ye have already made a decision , maybe all ye need to do is express it honestly with each other. give each other time too to really think about it and be kind to each other in the meantime. sending lots of love <3

Puccini1900 · 03/11/2023 18:06

Sorry you're going through this OP x
I don't really have any advice - except do whatever you think will make you both happy xx
(also, if you're concerned that it's unusual to have an abortion, it's really really not. A surprising amount of people have had a one - people just don't talk about it)

Mumsgirls · 03/11/2023 18:29

Could you get medical advice on chance this child will have medical problems?
I found second baby much easier and bringing up two much easier than one. You will have some stuff already. Not much to say about finances, but nursery costs by government have improved.
As previous post said look at pros and cons. You two will have to live with the decision whatever it is.

tenpoundpombear · 03/11/2023 19:02

Oh OP what a position to be in. As pp have said, only you can decide what to do. Could genetic testing be something you could ask for, given your current child has health issues?

I found out I was pregnant again when my middle child was barely 3 months old, there was never a question in my mind what to do and she's now 10. I know if I was to get pregnant now I would not continue the pregnancy, due to several factors. There is no shame in doing what you think is best for your existing child and family. Either outcome will have pros and cons, you just need to sit down and decide which one has more pros.

Sending you lots of love x

Original poster

MarmiteMumma · 03/11/2023 23:00

@pregnantmom101 so when you say it sounds as though we've already made a decision, I think my husband has, but I don't feel I have. That's why I feel so lost! We wrote down pros and cons and they came out equal lol, really hoped that would help! Thank you though xxx

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Original poster

MarmiteMumma · 03/11/2023 23:03

@Mumsgirls can I ask why you found it easier bringing up two compared to one? I almost thought it would be the other way around.
Getting medical advice sounds like a good idea, via the midwife do you think? Or a GP? I'm not sure which is the best route to take

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Original poster

MarmiteMumma · 03/11/2023 23:05

@tenpoundpombear genetic testing sounds like a good idea, I have no idea how you do that so I'll have a look into it, thanks for the suggestion. Pleased to hear that deciding to keep your little one turned out so well, that's so lovely! Gives me hope xxx

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ivyrayne · 05/11/2023 17:41

I was the same a few months ago, but for me it was my first baby. I’m quite young and at university and I had to choose between keeping the baby, and potentially finding it extremely miserable and stressful, or aborting the baby and carrying on with my life as it was. I wished I could look into the future and see both scenarios. I decided to keep the baby, and I’m now 5 months along with my little girl. The moral is, I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I know that if I’d have aborted I would always wonder if it would’ve turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. Trust your gut, and trust that whatever you choose, things will work out no matter what.

Totaly · 05/11/2023 17:45

i agree with PP two children’s re easier than one - if she’s the light of your lives - then there’s room for two lights.

Mumeries · 05/11/2023 17:48

No,, you can go through with the pregnancy, you shouldn’t feel as if you’re in a position where you have to end it, and your boyfriend should be supportive, and you have to find a way to make it work

Mariposista · 05/11/2023 18:08

Would your husband leave you if you went through with it? (not saying that would be right of course, just that it's a possibility if he feels so strongly against it).
Could you cope alone with one ill child plus a newborn? Is your job secure enough to support two children?
Ultimately, do you want a second child? Do you have enough time, money and space?

nofussatall · 05/11/2023 20:48

Nobody can tell you what to do. However, continuing with the pregnancy is a permanent choice. Terminating now and taking a few months to think about it might be smarter if you are both unsure. Since you are 40+ though I guess that changes. Would you be ok if you never got pregnant again?

TheDCDeserveBetter · 05/11/2023 20:57

I'm sorry that you are in this situation OP. That sounds really really hard.

Pinkdalmatian9 · 05/11/2023 21:04

nofussatall · 05/11/2023 20:48

Nobody can tell you what to do. However, continuing with the pregnancy is a permanent choice. Terminating now and taking a few months to think about it might be smarter if you are both unsure. Since you are 40+ though I guess that changes. Would you be ok if you never got pregnant again?

Terminating this particular baby is also a permanent choice.

PaperDoves · 05/11/2023 21:08

Are you torn because you want to keep the baby, or because you feel like you should?

In my experience most people who want to keep the baby don't regret keeping it, even if it makes life a little harder at times (it also brings a lot of joy!). They would be worse off having an abortion and tend to be the ones who wonder "what if".

But if you just feel like you should keep the baby, for moral reasons, then it's unlikely you'll regret having an abortion. Some people do, but the vast majority don't.

Basically, can you get some clarity on how you feel?

nofussatall · 05/11/2023 21:09

Pinkdalmatian9 · 05/11/2023 21:04

Terminating this particular baby is also a permanent choice.

Show quote history

Atm it’s just cells and not a baby. Pregnancy, yeah it is. But they have to do what’s right for the 3 human beings and their needs in the here and now

DisappearingGirl · 05/11/2023 21:09

That's really difficult. At your age I'd say if you do terminate (which is a perfectly reasonable choice) then it may be that you're never able to have a second baby. Which is fine of course if you're happy with one. But probably worth putting that into the equation. If you do want a second then I would think it makes sense to go for it now.

Also a technique someone told me once, for making decisions. Write down all the pros and cons, to get the most from your logical brain. Then go for a walk somewhere peaceful and let the more intuitive side of your brain consider what's the best option. Trickier when it's a decision for two of you, but may still help. Good luck x

PlanesFlyingIn · 05/11/2023 21:33

If it helps, OP, my second baby was a lot easier because I knew what to expect and what I was doing. I didn’t worry or panic, just enjoyed the baby.
Only you and your husband can make this choice.

YoNoTengo · 05/11/2023 21:38

ivyrayne · 05/11/2023 17:41

I was the same a few months ago, but for me it was my first baby. I’m quite young and at university and I had to choose between keeping the baby, and potentially finding it extremely miserable and stressful, or aborting the baby and carrying on with my life as it was. I wished I could look into the future and see both scenarios. I decided to keep the baby, and I’m now 5 months along with my little girl. The moral is, I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I know that if I’d have aborted I would always wonder if it would’ve turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. Trust your gut, and trust that whatever you choose, things will work out no matter what.

I had my eldest daughter whilst 19 and at Uni. Unplanned, but best decision I ever made 💖

Original poster

MarmiteMumma · 05/11/2023 22:59

Thank you so much for your messages and support everyone, its really good to hear the different thoughts and to hear about other people's experiences, I've been feeling very alone and very lost. I really can't tell you how much it means to have people reaching out with messages right now xxx

I think ultimately I want a second baby and I feel that I want to keep this baby, I feel torn because I know my husband really doesn't. He would stand by me whatever choice I made, I'm very lucky. But I'm very aware that if this goes wrong, or if the baby is unhealthy or unwell, or if it puts more pressure on my 2 year old or my husband, then I am always going to feel like I'm to blame, because I know I'm the only one who wants to keep this little one. It feels like such a huge weight to carry the responsibility on my own. That's why I've genuinely considered getting an abortion, but the idea breaks my heart. Or do I just need to stop putting everyone bar me first and do what feels right for me? Figure it out when little one gets here and hope it works out?

Also, I totally agree, if I don't have this baby that's it for me, due to my age but also due to the fact that my husband doesn't want another, so it's likely this kind of accident won't ever happen again.

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Original poster

MarmiteMumma · 05/11/2023 23:02

ivyrayne · 05/11/2023 17:41

I was the same a few months ago, but for me it was my first baby. I’m quite young and at university and I had to choose between keeping the baby, and potentially finding it extremely miserable and stressful, or aborting the baby and carrying on with my life as it was. I wished I could look into the future and see both scenarios. I decided to keep the baby, and I’m now 5 months along with my little girl. The moral is, I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I know that if I’d have aborted I would always wonder if it would’ve turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. Trust your gut, and trust that whatever you choose, things will work out no matter what.

You're so incredibly brave! Well done for doing what was right for you and going with your instinct, I really hope it works out and I'm sure you'll make an amazing mum ❤️

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PlanesFlyingIn · 05/11/2023 23:20

Why not visit the GP and discuss genetic counselling?

PaperDoves · 06/11/2023 04:23

When it comes to pregnancy you really have to do what you want and feel comfortable with. I don't just mean that in a "my body my choice" sort of way -- I mean that emotionally and labour wise as well. You'll be carrying not only the physical pregnancy but also the emotional consequences if you make a choice that you would regret. While I understand your husband's preference, he isn't the one who will feel the impact of that decision the most.

Would your husband come round, do you think? The hardest part of raising kids is the early years, and those go by so fast. There's a lot of life left after those initial chaotic years!

PaperDoves · 06/11/2023 04:33

I also think it's completely valid to be pro-choice and to listen to your partner's views and still decide that you can't terminate this pregnancy. And have that be respected.

HigherAndFurther · 06/11/2023 04:52

I can't speak for what is right for you. I can offer my experience. I have no family support and three kids with health problems. We didn't know about it till later, so they were all born before we found out. I wouldn't have terminated anyway, but that's not here or there. My DH has ASD but that doesn't stop him being successful professionally. All I can say is, we manage and I'm glad of every one of my children. I don't think you can compare though. People have different coping abilities, my children's conditions may be different to what you're experiencing. I really just wanted to say there are some of us doing it and doing it well. I'm sure you will make the best decision for you, which may be different to what is right for me.