Do we keep the baby, torn parents feeling so lost!

[MarmiteMumma]

The week before last I found out I was pregnant.

My husband and I have a 2 year old, they're the light of our lives and a wonderful character, but they have health issues. When those flare up they need quite a bit of care, however when they're fine it's fine. I'm 40 and would be 41 when the baby is born. My husband has ASD and we're currently struggling for money (isn't everyone?!)

My husband is terrified that we can't afford another child, his ASD won't cope with it and that it would take much needed time and care away from our current child, he's also worried that because we have one child with health issues the second would also have health issues. We don't really have any family support network but we do have good friends.

I can't get my head around the idea that I have to make a decision to either end one life, or to potentially damage two existing lives by going through with the pregnancy. I've been sticking my head in the sand as I feel so lost, but there's only so long I can do that before I have to decide.

Any advice would be so welcome! Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

Aw OP what a difficult position to be in! I’ve had 2 surprise pregnancies- decided to keep one but not the other. It took me weeks to come to peace with my decision to abort. It’s a process. Take your time, feel all your emotions, chat to your DH. Good luck x

Does it help if you reframe the question and talk about adding another person to your family rather than another baby?

They are babies for such a short period. Would a sibling be a benefit for your DC? Would you like to have a family of 4 rather than 3?. What about as you get older, having 2 DC can share the burden.

Only you can decide and there is no right or wrong answer, but as the mother of older children (And adults) I'm very aware that any hardship of the baby age is gone in the blink of an eye.

You say ultimately you want to keep this baby, but it sounds like you’re considering termination to keep your DH happy. I’d be very concerned that if you chose that route, you would never be happy and that resentment would build over time.

another one who found the 1-2 jump much easier than 0-1.

@ivyrayne I had my eldest at 19, she will be 11 next month (& I have 2 younger ones now too) age is just a number, everything will work out totally fine sure I’m young at the school gates but no one cares and I have amazing mum friends of all ages. You got this! I have never regretted having her young, I have friends in their 30’s who are scared to have a baby because they don’t want to change the life they built and shift their priorities, however we built our life around the kids and that gives you so much motivation and the right priorities from the start.

I second genetic counselling and then make a decision, as that’s a large factor.

I would suggest that you tell your husband how you feel about the pregnancy and how you would like to keep the baby. Explain to him how you might feel about not continuing with the pregnancy and what that could do to the dynamics of the relationship. Explain how you feel also having the responsibility on your shoulders if things don’t go smoothly. You’re in an impossible bind here, but it shouldn’t be all on your shoulders! Also assure him that you wouldn’t want any more babies after this, and since he feels the same way then he should have a vasectomy so that you aren’t in a difficult situation again. I think he needs to accept some responsibility for the situation, and show you a bit more kindness. It’s not like it happened without him playing a part.

Would you go and talk to your dr ?

By all means, talk to your doctor and I think that is a good idea.

However, I believe that only a few things can be tested for in utero, so you may not get a definitive answer on the health issues, but possibly a set of “probabilities”

However, I believe that only a few things can be tested for in utero, so you may not get a definitive answer on the health issues, but possibly a set of “probabilities”

yep, that’s what genetic counselling is.

Well I did it, I told my husband that I want to keep the baby.

It didn't go well. He went quiet for about an hour, maybe more, told me he was overwhelmed and trying to process, that's okay I understand needing time.

So, I spent the evening on my own and then I said I was tired and was going to bed and he decided to talk. Asked me if I was just suddenly fine with everything in the cons category and said I must be if I want to go ahead with it. Told me he thinks I find parenting stressful and that the solution to finding it stressful isn't to add another baby (yes, sometimes I feel stressed with parenting, I have a headstrong 2 year old and I'm the main care giver, go figure). That my sons health obviously wasn't a priority. Then he started imploding, saying he was useless and shit and unsupportive, so I felt like I needed to make him feel better, even though I'm struggling to hold it together with what he's said. Long story short he's gone to bed in the other room and I'm sat in bed in tears feeling like I need to either arrange an abortion tomorrow or just sink into the ground and let it eat me up.

Do you think he is shocked and surprised (perhaps he didn't think this would be your decision?).
Do you think booking an abortion will make you feel better, or him?
(I hope you get some more useful responses soon!).

It may not help, but when a similar situation happened to my husband and I, he spent the entire pregnancy generally not engaging. He wanted me to have an abortion but I didn't feel I could. I think it took him a while to process and he was ok in the end, but it was a tough time. We had a pros and cons list, the cons list was massive, but I think I made a heart over head type decision.
DH managed to make himself feel a bit more in control by immediately organising to have a vasectomy...

I really hope things work out for your family.

Don't arrange an abortion tomorrow, it's obvious it's not what you want and it would split you up as you'd always blame him.

2 actually is easier in loads of ways!

Take care of yourself your dh will need extra time to process it all.

Sorry he reacted so badly, OP.

I think you need to talk to someone impartial, you could ask your GP about counselling for someone in this situation, or just contact BPAS or Marie Stopes directly. It sounds as if you want to continue the pregnancy but you can still talk it through with someone, they will listen and support you as you consider your options and the impact of your decision. Really I think you need someone to support you, because your husband can't do that impartially, he obviously has his own opinion and feelings about it. But it is your body and your choice.

You don't have to tell us how the pregnancy came about, whether you and your husband were using contraception and it failed, or whether you got carried away and didn't use contraception... but I do think that if your husband feels this strongly about not wanting another child, he should get a vasectomy and in the meantime ensure he wears a condom every single time.

It takes two to get pregnant, but now you're pregnant, it's only you who will gestate and birth the baby. You have to be a bit selfish and prioritise how you feel about it.

Good luck x

My first child has autism ( severe) I left 13 years before having another one and honestly I wish I done it sooner as it really made our family better and it actually helped my first child enormously . I found my second way easier too . I’m a single mum so I’m sure as a couple it would be easier .

Thank you everyone, the fact that you've taken the time to reply to me makes me feel so much less alone. Its good to know some of you have been through really similar situations and things have turned out okay.

I'm going to ring the GP this morning and see if I can talk to someone about it, I find it really hard to think about reaching out to crisis lines etc, which I know is silly, but maybe it'll help to talk to someone.

I guess he thought I'd choose to terminate, even though I thought it was obvious I wouldn't, but I guess not that obvious! He's obviously reeling from the shock.

He did talk about a vasectomy, but then one of his friends had one and it got infected and it really put him off. But maybe it's the best option to make sure this doesn't happen again. Although after all of this I don't think either of us are in a rush to be close physically really.

I found 2 way way harder than 1 and for me, it broke my marriage. Both SEN and challenging. Just my perspective but don’t go in expecting it to be easy.

You can call the Samaritans if you need someone today. It is not just for people feeling suicidal.

Please don’t book an abortion right now. Give him some time to process (you came on here to help you process). Does he have a good friend or sibling who he could talk to - someone other than you?

You want to keep the baby. So I would do that if I were you.

If you terminate just because your husband is worried, would that fester and turn into resentment? How would it impact your relationship? Would it end your family ultimately?

I am absolutely pro choice, but I would never terminate a wanted pregnancy, because I would be too worried about the impact of the grief afterwards.

Please don’t rush to a decision. You both need time and to talk to process this. There are a lot of ‘ifs’ here:
If sterilisation had happened (yours or his - don’t beat him with this) but it didn’t
If this baby doesn’t have additional needs
If your marriage and first child can cope with another baby
(I hope I haven’t expressed all this clumsily.)
Remember all parents get stressed at times so he can’t level this at you. I can see both sides.
However, with information from the GP and an ultimate agreement for or against with your DH, you’ll arrive at the right outcome for all three of you. Best of luck, OP.

I have asd, I have two adult children and a younger child with asd.

My experience of two - my two eldest were nt and fairly easy children. They are two years apart. Was that there's a lot of tag team in the early years so you both have to be very hands on. It's lovely once they are older as they play together etc but the first few years are rough.

I absolutely would not have had another child after ds due to his needs.

You did the right thing telling your dh what you want. Give him time to process this. Neither of you are wrong but do not feel pressured into an abortion because ultimately this is your body your autonomy but do consider the consequences of going ahead without support.

What a tough situation.

My two penn'orth are:

1. yes you do need to push your own feelings up the agenda a bit. This is really important. You are not playing 3rd fiddle in this, you're the conductor. It's your body and I'm sure deep down and long term your husband gets that.
2. Your husband got overwhelmed in the moment. People do this, autistic people especially, and this is very big news for him. Don't overreact to his initial reaction. Give him time to process it and come back to you. Don't even judge him by his immediate reactions, let alone take it as obliging you to terminate against your will. You have many months ahead for him to come round, warm up to the idea, plan for how it will work. Other stuff you have written about him says he is more likely to be able to do this than not. Just maybe not today.

I really do understand how you’re feeling OP, it’s horrible. My partner reacted in the exact same way. He spent about a month in a depressive state, not wanting to talk to me much or spend any time with me. It was horrid. But now I realise that’s just how he deals with immense stress and shock. So what did I do? I left him to it. I didn’t rush him, I didn’t force him to be involved in the pregnancy or talk about it, despite everyone telling me I need to “make him” talk about it. I ignored the advice. Different people have different ways of dealing with stressful situations, and talking about it whilst he’s in this way won’t help. You’ve told him your decision, now give him some time. I did this, and after a good month, things improved. We spend time together, cook together, and actually have a sex life again (as hard as it is at 5 months pregnant 😂). He seems happier and doesn’t go all quiet and sad when I mention our baby girl. We have a house full of baby things, and he came with me to the gender scan (didn’t come to the 12 week one, it was still fresh at that point) and he’s coming to the 20 week scan tomorrow. Hang in there! He will improve with time. He will heal from this, but you won’t heal from an abortion you don’t want to get. I almost made that mistake too 💗

In these scenarios I think best case/ worst case scenarios are helpful, so best case, baby is healthy, your older son’s health issues improve and your Dh comes round to another baby and all is good. ( as from your OP I think I’m reading it correctly that this pregnancy was an accident and he doesn’t want another child, now or ever).

worst case- baby has same or different health issues or disabilities, your older son’s issues get worse, your Dh never comes round to the second baby. Your relationship suffers as a result or you end up basically parenting 3 people as your Dh can’t cope.

Now weight them in terms of likelihood- like maybe there’s a good chance your older sons health improves or maybe there’s no chance.

Now ask yourself, would you risk ending up with the worst case to potentially get the best case?

I can tell you what to do but people saying “it’ll be fine” don’t know that. MN is full of threads by people with dc for whom life is anything but fine- it’s crushingly stressful and miserable with no way out. I’m not saying your circumstances are that bad but you can’t afford to go into it thinking it’ll just all somehow work out.

Thank you everyone, your insights and feedback have been so helpful and useful. It's really helping me to get a bit of clarity as I felt so low yesterday and was really mentally struggling. Sometimes finding a solution feels so much bigger than one person doesn't it!

So, to answer a few questions: yes this was an accident, we got carried away so are both to blame.
My husband doesn't really have a big support network, due to his ASD he is also really not keen on reaching out to people for help and finds it almost impossible to do so. I'm very aware that I'm talking on here about it, to a few select friends who I'm happy to reveal the info to and that he's only talking to me. So I get ALL the feelings, no holds barred. It makes it harder as I feel I can't turn him away when he needs to talk but I can't always hear everything he has to say without getting emotional.

He actually came up to me today and said "I watched something last night that helped me, it was a guy talking about how we (men) can never understand what it is like to carry a baby so we have no right to a voice in that decision" (I don't personally agree, but I appreciated what he was trying to say). So, I do think he's coming around bit by bit, not necessarily to the idea of another baby, but to supporting me no matter what. I feel very lucky, I didn't feel it was going this way last night.
I think that those of you who mentioned this being overwhelming for him because of his ASD and that his reaction was quite normal due to that are really on it. I feel like maybe I hadn't been as compassionate towards that as I could have been. This is a lot for him to process.

Tentatively, I'm saying I'm going to go ahead with the pregnancy, because I can't bear the other idea and, as so many of you say, I think I would live to regret it and potentially resent my husband. I just hope that our love and our foundation is strong enough to cope with this! I am, however, going to look into as much testing as I possibly can.

I just wish I hadn't gotten rid of all of my sons baby clothes etc, rookie move.

Thank you again everyone for your comments, I can't tell you how grateful I am for this community ❤️