Do we keep the baby, torn parents feeling so lost!

[MarmiteMumma]

The week before last I found out I was pregnant.

My husband and I have a 2 year old, they're the light of our lives and a wonderful character, but they have health issues. When those flare up they need quite a bit of care, however when they're fine it's fine. I'm 40 and would be 41 when the baby is born. My husband has ASD and we're currently struggling for money (isn't everyone?!)

My husband is terrified that we can't afford another child, his ASD won't cope with it and that it would take much needed time and care away from our current child, he's also worried that because we have one child with health issues the second would also have health issues. We don't really have any family support network but we do have good friends.

I can't get my head around the idea that I have to make a decision to either end one life, or to potentially damage two existing lives by going through with the pregnancy. I've been sticking my head in the sand as I feel so lost, but there's only so long I can do that before I have to decide.

Any advice would be so welcome! Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

I hope it all works out for you, OP. x

"he's only talking to me. So I get ALL the feelings, no holds barred. It makes it harder as I feel I can't turn him away when he needs to talk but I can't always hear everything he has to say without getting emotional."

Do be careful about this, it's not hugely fair on you to be his only support. Perhaps encourage him to get counselling if he might need it - I don't mean just for this issue as it sounds as if you are talking it through constructively which is good - but I mean in general if there are other things that come up. Of course he might be horrified by that idea But with my husband (also terrible at opening up to other people and struggles sometimes with me) I find it helps to plant the seed of an idea and gradually over months/years it becomes less horrifying

Ah op I'm delighted to hear that you are both feeling better about it. This baby may be the light of its big brothers life! Re getting rid of your baby things, Facebook marketplace is great for everything. You'll find bundles of clothes in great nick and whatever else you may need.

Op what medical issues does your 2 yo have? That will affect how likely it is this baby will have them or how easily they're picked up pre birth?

DS has wonky chromosomes, born with with right side diaphragmatic hernia, we spent 14 weeks in hospital initially, 18 months in total inc 4 months solid over his first birthday. He's 8 and still requires some extra support, had autism but is doing average in mainstream school and hasn't been hospitalised since he was 3.
If I'd have got pregnant when he was 2 is have been TERRIFIED but it would have been ok. As it was the twins came when he was 4.5 on the cusp of COVID 🙄.

We have some family support but really not much.
At 3 eldest will be entitled to some video hours if they're not already entitled at 2, use them!

Do you claim DLA for them and is your not working, carers? I'll be honest, part of the DLA covers household bills because I don't work. He gets everything he needs but that's the reality ATM for us.

I'm not sure you'll get over having an abortion, based on what you've said, and that kind of resentment can kill a marriage.

You just need to pull together, you and DH.

I think you need to remember that your now 2 year old will be in nursery at 3 (free hours the term after they turn 3), so you will have time with just the baby.

Also don't estimate the benefits of a sibling to your little one. It's a companion for life, and they will always belong to each other regardless. In a few years parenting becomes much easier as they have each other and their little world at home.

My eldest was 10 when the next one was born, so understand how harder it is with an only child. They constant need you to engage with them, or you are often including other children in activities or adventures so they have company. It's is completely different parenting my youngest two who have each other, and have a strong bond (4 year gap). They do bicker and torment each other, but on the whole it's an easier experience than having an only child.

You do have so much to deal with. With additional needs, nursery and school don't always relieve as much of the pressure. School hols can be particularly problematic, and it doesn't necessarily get so much easier as the children get older. I used to be able to work when my autistic son was in primary - he even used to manage holiday clubs - but now he is 15 I can't work.

But this is stuff to be aware of and weigh. Then you make your decision and crack on with what life throws at you. You will make the best decision you can on the information available. There are people around who had 2 or more children before finding out about their additional needs.

I think you need to take care in your relationship though. Your husband leans on you emotionally but it sounds like he is not able to support you in return. Make "you can't pour from an empty cup" your mantra and make sure you muster whatever resources you can, because you need support too. Babies are very hard on relationships and it is very difficult to just give, give, give if your partner is not able to support you back. OTOH if his "love language" is acts of service I think that can be a brilliant fit for coping in those early years. If he'll lean in and do stuff because he loves you, whether that's bedtimes, housework, taking the baby for walks etc or working loads of hours for the money, that is a great start. Whereas if you're going to be doing it all yourself and giving him one way support that is a very different future.

This ^.

Good luck op

Terminating can affect fertility later on. Why not talk to gp, midwife, HV and see what community support is available to you.

Nonsense. The risks are extremely low.

https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/can-having-an-abortion-affect-my-fertility/

Does abortion lead to infertility?
No, although it is something that those opposed to abortion may say. There is absolutely no evidence that safe, legal abortion will lead to infertility. In fact, after an abortion, fertility returns almost immediately.
https://www.bpas.org/faqs/

This is 100% bullshit