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Original poster

To grieve an abortion..

54 replies

xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 09:35

Hi,

I made a thread on here yesterday after finding out I’m around 6 weeks pregnant and I have decided to have an abortion.

There were some other issues, such as living arrangements (I live in a 1 bedroom flat and already have 2 children) that could possibly have been worked around or resolved. However, the main issue as to why I’m having it is because of potential health issues. I had premature membrane rupture at 24 weeks with baby 2. I was given steroids and told to expect to give birth to a severely premature baby. By some miracle my son held in until his induction at 37 weeks and is now healthy, but most women with this diagnosis have a very different story. Nonetheless, I developed sepsis halfway through the labour and I myself became incredibly unwell - and I’m sure everyone knows what sepsis can result in.

im at high risk of this happening to me again, and I couldn’t go through it - to possibly leave my current children behind, to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing from the start the baby could be incredibly premature and possibly not even make it, it’s all too cruel.

I am however struggling with this decision. I have been awake most of the night, crying on and off and can’t think about anything else. I am confused as I feel I don’t have a right to grieve a baby I’m getting rid of by my own choice. I tried to do some searches online, for something I could do to remember my baby after it’s gone - But it was only miscarried babies that came up, and nothing about mums who aborted, which has now led me to believe I’m not allowed to grieve this loss.

im really struggling with this and I’m so upset. Has anyone got any advice for the emotional aspect? Am I being stupid for grieving a baby I’m choosing to get rid of?

please be kind. My heart is already broken.

OP posts:
Chocpot1986 · 30/09/2023 09:49

Hi OP.

I didn’t want to read and run x

I don’t at all think you are stupid to grieve. Just because it is a choice you have to make it doesn’t make it any less sad or difficult for you. Also your hormones will be a bit of a mess anyway so that is heightening the feelings. Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel as they are not you or in your position. You do what you need to do. Big hug x

CurlewKate · 30/09/2023 09:57

Of course you have a right to grieve. It doesn't make it any less the right decision for you. Very few people make major decisions with absolutely no "what might have been feelings." You're doing the right thing for you and your family.

TheCentreSlide · 30/09/2023 10:00

It sounds like absolutely the right decision for you and you children, so feel rooted and sure about that. But of course you are allowed to grieve the fact you have to make this very difficult decision. 💐

CurlewKate · 30/09/2023 10:00

Sorry-sent too soon. Get in touch with Marie Stopes- they can help you with this. And if the words of a stranger will help- I'm thinking about you. Go well.

smallshinybutton · 30/09/2023 10:02

Yes you have made a choice but you can still grieve. You can't control your emotions like a cyborg. I hope you find peace - and perhaps a counsellor can help.

HellonHeels · 30/09/2023 10:06

You were forced to make a very hard choice and have every right to grieve. I am wishing you the best.

MargotBamborough · 30/09/2023 10:08

I've had multiple miscarriages and I can still completely understand why you've made this decision and also why you want to grieve your loss. Your feelings are valid.

SupportAnimalShelters · 30/09/2023 10:09

Of course you can grieve. It sounds like in different circumstances you would want this baby, if I'm reading your post right? If so, and you do actually prefer to have the option, I'd discuss your health concerns with a medical professional. Sometimes things happen because of something with that pregnancy and there's no guarantee it will be the same in another. I'm just saying this because I had a similar conversation about future pregnancy risk after a dangerous pregnancy. You may have already done that and decided you don't want to have another baby regardless, in which case, of course you can grieve this child. You grieve for what you are losing by not having the baby and not knowing them and what might have been (not ignoring that having the baby will bring its own challenges for you). Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. It's better to accept your feelings for what they are rather than deny them and stuff them down.

Original poster
xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 10:09

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive comments. Sometimes hearing from others can bring us comfort. I looked at how far along I was (to make the correct choice medically in terms of which abortion) and it told me my baby would have been due May 24. I think this has made it somewhat harder. I’m also experiencing terrible morning sickness and feel very pregnant so it’s all too real. I’d like to do something to remember my baby but I don’t know what.

OP posts:
gotomomo · 30/09/2023 10:11

Absolutely fine to grieve, normal I would say. I was sad too, but I knew it was right (one dc diagnosed with autism and a second being "watched")

Original poster
xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 10:14

@gotomomo im sorry to hear you have had to go through this. It’s so terribly sad. My little brother is autistic and I understand it can be challenging for parents. I hope you were kinder to yourself about it, than I’m being to me right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 10:17

@SupportAnimalShelters i very much want this baby, as does my partner, but we agreed the medical risks are too high for me, and I have 2 children already here that I have to consider, and how they would feel if something happened to their mum, it wouldn’t be fair on them. I’m not in the biggest of property, only a 1 bedroom, I wouldn’t have the space, and I’m already finding it hard to get out of here - But there will always be the “what if”. What if the pregnancy went ok after all, what if I managed to get a house before the birth. I can’t get my head around any of it.

OP posts:
SupportAnimalShelters · 30/09/2023 10:20

xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 10:17

@SupportAnimalShelters i very much want this baby, as does my partner, but we agreed the medical risks are too high for me, and I have 2 children already here that I have to consider, and how they would feel if something happened to their mum, it wouldn’t be fair on them. I’m not in the biggest of property, only a 1 bedroom, I wouldn’t have the space, and I’m already finding it hard to get out of here - But there will always be the “what if”. What if the pregnancy went ok after all, what if I managed to get a house before the birth. I can’t get my head around any of it.

I do completely understand that. I decided not to have more children rather than put my life at risk for my existing children too. I wasn't pregnant but I do understand the concern. It's horrible to think of leaving our kids behind.

Original poster
xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 10:20

@MargotBamborough Thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry for your losses.

OP posts:
Original poster
xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 10:21

@SupportAnimalShelters i just couldn’t do it and, my eldest is about to turn 7 so, he would very much understand what was happening at the time too. I couldn’t do it to him.

OP posts:
WowOK · 30/09/2023 10:27

Have you considered having the counselling before the abortion? I think it will help.

I think its okay to grieve your loss. You are making a choice that you feel is right for you and your family. That doesn't make it lass sad or less painful.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 30/09/2023 10:32

Be kind to yourself. You are in a difficult position but you know that if circumstances were perfect you would have the baby. Of course you will grieve that. Totally natural.

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 30/09/2023 10:37

I’m so sorry OP. My heart goes out to you. Of course you are allowed to grieve. I had a TFMR earlier this year because my baby had a serious heart condition. It has been my only pregnancy after years of trying and I have never felt grief like it. It was the right thing to do but that doesn’t make it easy. You feel complicit even though you would give absolutely anything to be able to make a different choice.

There is no right or wrong way to feel or what to do afterwards. What we did isn’t for everyone but we actually contacted a funeral home and, while we didn’t have a funeral or ceremony, we did have a cremation. I actually have her ashes in a small urn in a memory box with scan photos and a bear from Aching Arms.

We also donated a bear in our daughters name to Aching Arms which I hope gave another grieving family some comfort.

Arc is an excellent charity if you need to talk to somebody.

Original poster
xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 10:46

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayay im so incredibly sorry for your loss and I’m thinking of you. It sounds as though your baby had a lovely send off and is obviously very loved by you. I was looking to get something to remember my baby, such as a memorial bunny rabbit teddy with what would have been its birthday on it. I don’t know if that’s a stupid thing to do for an abortion by choice. I feel helpless.

OP posts:
SupportAnimalShelters · 30/09/2023 10:48

xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 10:46

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayay im so incredibly sorry for your loss and I’m thinking of you. It sounds as though your baby had a lovely send off and is obviously very loved by you. I was looking to get something to remember my baby, such as a memorial bunny rabbit teddy with what would have been its birthday on it. I don’t know if that’s a stupid thing to do for an abortion by choice. I feel helpless.

It doesn't sound like it's entirely by choice, more due to circumstances? Choice or not, you are still experiencing this as a loss so of course you will grieve. It is your right to feel however you feel about it.

Suspiciousmind1 · 30/09/2023 10:48

your feelings are totally validated and take time to grieve. It’s a loss. You made the right decision for you and your family at that moment in time and you must always hold onto that. It doesn’t make it any easier though.

ColleenDonaghy · 30/09/2023 10:51

I'm so sorry OP. Of course it's a loss and of course you're grieving. You're making a very difficult choice for the sake of your existing children. Sending every good wish your way. Flowers

moofolk · 30/09/2023 11:01

I don't think it's unreasonable to grieve.

I found that what I was grieving was not the baby, but the life I would have had to have been living to make having another baby a good idea.

Also helpful (to me) was marking what works have been the due date to appreciate my life as it was - a 'Family as it is' Day. I ended up not noticing the date as it was approaching I was so busy but when I realised, I looked around at everything I had to do ace the feeling of relief that I wasn't adding a child to that was palpable!

Being sad / wistful / contemplative does not mean that you are making the wrong decision, but that you are actually thinking about the decision you are making, which has to be a good thing. If you think you will be full of regret, that's another thing of course.

Thinking of you, OP

piscofrisco · 30/09/2023 11:02

I had to have an abortion earlier this year. We just couldn't have accommodated a baby in our current situation. It was a really hard decision and I'll never be sure we chose right. The baby would have been around now and I can't stop thinking about it and picturing what it would be like.
Lots of love to you op. Perfectly fine to grieve for what might have been.

Original poster
xxmumof2 · 30/09/2023 11:20

I’m sorry to hear of other peoples losses. It’s just such a difficult situation to be in. I’ve only been pregnant twice previously and I had both children, so I have never been through the loss of a child, whether it be by abortion or miscarriage. I hope the days will get easier.

OP posts: