To grieve an abortion..

[xxmumof2]

Hi,

I made a thread on here yesterday after finding out I’m around 6 weeks pregnant and I have decided to have an abortion.

There were some other issues, such as living arrangements (I live in a 1 bedroom flat and already have 2 children) that could possibly have been worked around or resolved. However, the main issue as to why I’m having it is because of potential health issues. I had premature membrane rupture at 24 weeks with baby 2. I was given steroids and told to expect to give birth to a severely premature baby. By some miracle my son held in until his induction at 37 weeks and is now healthy, but most women with this diagnosis have a very different story. Nonetheless, I developed sepsis halfway through the labour and I myself became incredibly unwell - and I’m sure everyone knows what sepsis can result in.

im at high risk of this happening to me again, and I couldn’t go through it - to possibly leave my current children behind, to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing from the start the baby could be incredibly premature and possibly not even make it, it’s all too cruel.

I am however struggling with this decision. I have been awake most of the night, crying on and off and can’t think about anything else. I am confused as I feel I don’t have a right to grieve a baby I’m getting rid of by my own choice. I tried to do some searches online, for something I could do to remember my baby after it’s gone - But it was only miscarried babies that came up, and nothing about mums who aborted, which has now led me to believe I’m not allowed to grieve this loss.

im really struggling with this and I’m so upset. Has anyone got any advice for the emotional aspect? Am I being stupid for grieving a baby I’m choosing to get rid of?

please be kind. My heart is already broken.

Thank you for your kind words @xxmumof2. I would not describe your termination as “by choice”, it seems much more “duress of circumstances”. It isn’t stupid to get a memorial bunny/teddy at all. If something gives you comfort then embrace it. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t think there are rules on this. There isn’t a grief hierarchy xx

Please go easy on yourself. You're allowed to grieve and you should. It's a loss.

I had a termination 10 years ago. Similar situation to you in the way of housing. The contraceptive implant failed me and I had two children already. I never allowed myself the grieve as it was something I 'chose' to do. I wish I would of allowed myself to feel what I felt, it would of saved me so much emotional heartache long term. I still remember it everyday and although I know I made the right choice, it's still painful.

Sending hugs to you OP. Be kind to yourself.

When I have looked online at what ‘medical abortion’ actually is (ie an abortion because of risks to mothers life or baby having a condition) PPROM was listed as a reason for medical abortion (which is what I experienced with pregnancy number 2). There are other reasons for this abortion but the main reason is because I’m at risk for PPROM happening again. Would this be classified as a medical reason for abortion? I feel as though my loss is more validated this way.

Of course - completely normal to grief. It’s a very hard decision for many people.

It sounds like it’s the right decision for you and your children.

It’s the worse time right now, once it’s done you will be able to heal and move on in the knowledge that it’s the right thing.

OP I know it’s hard, but with kindness try not to ruminate to this extent.

You will drive yourself nuts.

You’ve made a sensible decision. Another baby is very clearly going to be detrimental to you and your children.

No additional justification you make will make you feel better, because you will always find a counter argument with which to torture yourself.

It’s an unwelcome situation to be in and it’s perfectly normal to grief. Life is hard sometimes. I’d actually come off MN for a bit as I think it may cause you to spiral. Get the termination asap, and move on. You owe this to yourself and your kids.

I’ve had PPROM in my previous pregnancy. Will it happen again in my next pregnancy?You do have an increased risk of having PPROM and premature labour in your subsequent pregnancies, but there are things that can be done to reduce this risk – do speak with your gynaecologist for advice.

Im at increased risk for this to happen again… I can’t do it.

@theduchessofspork while I understand what your saying, you are wording this as if it’s not a big deal, I should have the termination and then forget the baby existed. Everybody deals with things in different ways and for me this is upsetting, and I don’t think I should have to just ‘move on’, as this won’t allow me to process emotions properly.

OP, you really need counselling to address the myriad issues you are experiencing.

Of course your decision & your emotions are valid. I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing.

However, some of the issues (eg the medical matters) can be managed (if you wanted that, of course) and so properly working through your decision is vital, before you proceed.

💐 for everything you are dealing with.

@EarringsandLipstick Thank you for your kind response. I don’t really have any other choice than to go through with this, and just hope that I am able to cope emotionally after it’s over with. Today is hard. Tomorrow is a new day.

Completely allowed, there was an article in last month's Vogue about this, it feels taboo because we (rightly) champion the right to choice, but that doesn't mean it's always an easy one. It's fine not to as well of course, your feelings, whatever they are, are valid.

OP while any reason a woman has for a termination is valid I do understand why you may find it easier to process if it is a medical termination/TFMR. For what it’s worth I think your condition undoubtedly comes under TMFR. I hope you find peace with your decision, it’s not easy but there is support out there. I think I recommended Arc earlier and I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Please speak to a dr and get given a full risk assessment before you make the final choice medical confirmation will make it easier to process you're decision and move forward with the grief and loss.
If this baby would be wanted in other circumstances i really hope you get good news that every pregnancy is different and you're body will respond differently everytime so the risks are minimalised of anything happening again. On the other hand don't let anxiety and fear before fully getting confirmation make your decision from personal experience the grief this leaves behind never goes the pain is in my heart daily I've found ways to continue my life but the pain and regret never leaves and forgiving yourself after is one of the hardest things to face it's very final and cannot be changed so please dont hurry this decision if in anyway you feel you may regret it.

Have a look online for support forums related to termination for medical reasons (TFMR). Your situation may not be exactly the same as someone who has received a specific diagnosis following genetic testing, but it sounds very similar and you may find it useful to read about other peoples experiences, just so you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling.

It is okay to grieve even if it is your choice, and that pain doesn't mean that it is the wrong choice either. I've been where you are now wresting with that decision and feeling like the worst person in the world. But it does get easier, and you won't always feel the way you do now.

Just remember no one has the right to invalidate your pain, experience, or your choice. No matter what you decide, it will be the right thing for you and your family, and you have nothing to feel guilty for in wanting to put the people who are already here first (yourself included).

Reading more of your posts OP, I think you should get medical and personal counselling to work through the issues you are facing when you consider aborting. You sound very torn about this and I think you need to give yourself the chance to talk through this more to make sure you are really going to be okay with your choice, when all is said and done. If you then decide to go ahead you will hopefully feel more confident in your decision and less likely to struggle with the decision later.

I'm so sorry OP, what an incredibly tough situation to be in.
YANBU of course, you feel how you feel, and these are very commonly felt emotions in these situations.
I had an abortion about 12 years ago, and can fully relate to the feelings of grief and guilt. This really intensified when I was pregnant with DS about 10 years later. To be honest, I can still get these feelings now, though I've had a lot of counselling which has helped me process it a bit better.
I agree with what some PPs have said, getting a risk assessment from a doctor or talking it through in counselling might help you with your decision.

You have the right to grieve the loss of the baby you'd hoped for or the loss of the baby you couldn't keep. I've struggled for decades with shame, sadness and loss from an abortion. It's a complex issue and I wish you all the best, please allow your feelings to be expressed.

Thank you so much for all of your posts, I really appreciate everybody’s words. I’m 100% certain I have to do this as, as well as medical risk - it would be completely selfish to bring a baby into the world, I knew I couldn’t provide for properly financially or with the right space (I live in a 1 bed flat with 2 children and have been on waiting lists for years despite bidding, GP letters to housing re my mental state, and although the council agree im overcrowded, im still only placed in Band 3, meaning 2 other bands are prioritised over me).

I don’t really have a choice but to go through with this. I am however going to seek counselling specially for this situation to help me to deal with it. My partner is incredibly supportive and caring and I know he will look after me physically and emotionally during the abortion process and will also care for our DS (1 year old) and my eldest child from previous relationship (6 year old) if I am struggling physically with the abortion (bleeding, cramping etc).

MN has really helped me through my process so far and I’d like to thank everybody for their supportive words and, give a big hug to anyone who’s suffered baby loss, abortion, miscarriage or anything similar before.

🫶

Oh fuck off.

Reported.

now fuck off!

I don't have any advice per say but I have been where you are, for different reasons, and 9 years later I still grieve for that baby, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, a loss is a loss however it comes about. Sending love x

What is there to report. That's her option.

See, there are people in your position who would deliberately have another baby in the hopes of becoming higher priority for a larger property. If it worked, that would be unfair on other people on the waiting list, and if it didn't, they would then have three children in a one bedroom flat. If they posted on Mumsnet about the lack of space, I can guarantee that half the replies would be, "Why did you have another baby when you didn't have enough space for the children you already had?"

You are making the responsible decision. You are already overcrowded. You already need to find a bigger property to house the children you already have.

Having an abortion is never a nice thing to have to go through but your existing children need to be your priority.

You can do a difficult thing for a good reason and still be allowed to grieve for what might have been.

@onebornsecibd what an utterly shameful and cruel thing to say.

Her opinion? It was your post. 🤔