To grieve an abortion..

[xxmumof2]

Hi,

I made a thread on here yesterday after finding out I’m around 6 weeks pregnant and I have decided to have an abortion.

There were some other issues, such as living arrangements (I live in a 1 bedroom flat and already have 2 children) that could possibly have been worked around or resolved. However, the main issue as to why I’m having it is because of potential health issues. I had premature membrane rupture at 24 weeks with baby 2. I was given steroids and told to expect to give birth to a severely premature baby. By some miracle my son held in until his induction at 37 weeks and is now healthy, but most women with this diagnosis have a very different story. Nonetheless, I developed sepsis halfway through the labour and I myself became incredibly unwell - and I’m sure everyone knows what sepsis can result in.

im at high risk of this happening to me again, and I couldn’t go through it - to possibly leave my current children behind, to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing from the start the baby could be incredibly premature and possibly not even make it, it’s all too cruel.

I am however struggling with this decision. I have been awake most of the night, crying on and off and can’t think about anything else. I am confused as I feel I don’t have a right to grieve a baby I’m getting rid of by my own choice. I tried to do some searches online, for something I could do to remember my baby after it’s gone - But it was only miscarried babies that came up, and nothing about mums who aborted, which has now led me to believe I’m not allowed to grieve this loss.

im really struggling with this and I’m so upset. Has anyone got any advice for the emotional aspect? Am I being stupid for grieving a baby I’m choosing to get rid of?

please be kind. My heart is already broken.

Thinking of you OP. It is completely normal to grieve any pregnancy loss and healthy to allow yourself to. FWIW It think you are making a sensible decision but think you should speak to a BPAS or Marie Stopes counsellor as a priority.

Not sure what cruel thing was posted by that person as it’s showing as comment was reported and deleted by MN…. Perhaps best I don’t know if it’s that bad.

@MargotBamborough Agreed. My friends and DP family members have all said “are you sure about this; you have got a choice, there’s things you can do about housing”

I don’t have a choice because I know full well that things aren’t going to change with housing because of another baby and I will not delude myself into believing they would.

The two children I have now share a bedroom (though for 2 boys I don’t think this is an issue and many people have children sharing rooms), I however no longer have a living room as I turned into a bedroom of my own. I spent years sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor to ensure my eldest son (6 year old) had the bedroom and a bed to himself. My children have always been my priority. I don’t want them to suffer in here but I also don’t want to compromise my own space anymore either. It’s upsetting for everyone who already lives here so to put another baby through it for no reason would be selfish.

I do however think the housing should have at least tried to offer me something after I’ve been on the list for 5 years and down as overcrowded. I have seen people I knew from school offered a a 2 bedroom house with a large garden as soon as they’ve fell pregnant with baby number 1, so I’m unsure how that works when I’ve been left here with 2 kids and can’t get out.

You absolutely are allowed to grieve. You're having to make a very difficult decision, because you're scared of the very serious risks of continuing with this pregnancy. You're being sensible, because you have 2 children that already need you.
Forgive yourself, and allow yourself to grieve your loss xx