Visitors after birth... am I the as*hole?

[Mummmbles]

Hi All,

This is my 2nd pregnancy- 1st was 8yrs ago with a different partner who was a bit of a s**t. I needed my family around me a lot with my first child and we are very close. They still help out a lot with school runs etc.
My current partner is supportive and great with my DS (age 7).

Long story short - I've been thinking about putting some boundaries in place for visitors after the baby is born. I'm going to be breast feeding for the first time, so I feel it's important to have some time to adjust to this with privacy. I also bled a lot last time, had terrible anxiety and couldn't sleep at all - and so this time I would like a few days to get my head around that too, as well as some time for us to adjust to being a family of 4.

This evening I tentatively approached the subject of having 1/2 weeks post birth with no visitors to my Mother and Aunt (who I'm close to) & was met with a resounding 'You don't care about us, you're excluding us, this is extremely selfish of you' reaction. They also advised that if I go ahead with this plan that it would be 'remembered' and I took that to mean that they would hold it against me and not be there for me if I need help with childcare or anything else. I was completely thrown and I probably didn't conduct myself very well following their reaction, I got very upset and left. I've since come home and text them both to see if they are ok because I felt guilty and they have both responded to say no and that they don't want to talk to me.

My partner thinks I am well within my rights to ask for whatever privacy I want and that my relatives have reacted badly. I'm not sure how I feel now.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? Does anyone have any advice on setting boundaries around visitors? And am I being selfish?

From their point of view: you were happy to lean on them a lot with your first child because their dad was useless, but now you’ve got a more useful partner so you don’t need them, they can sod off.

Will they not be allowed to see the baby at all during your exclusion period?

I know this is fashionable now, but I do think, under your particular circumstances, that you are being unreasonable.

There’s a compromise to be made here: visits allowed but also plenty of protected time.

Just tell them both you’re feeling a bit freaked out by the whole thing and didn’t mean to hurt their feeling you just feel panicky at the thought of visitors.

Who’s looking after your child during the birth? Who would comfort your child if something did go wrong? I’m guessing these two women who’ve had your back for so many years. Find a way to make them understand it’s anxiety not excluding that’s driving this.

Well, you’re going to get a range of opinions on this, with some thinking you’re well within your rights to exert these boundaries, and others thinking you’re creating a load of unnecessary drama.

As you have actively come on here to seek opinions - I’ll give you kind. I fall into the latter camp.

I mean, you’re close with your family. Can’t you just get on with whatever you need to do? And if you need them to leave after visiting, politely ask them to do so?

Surely there’s a happy medium.

They still help out a lot with school runs etc.

I can see why they're hurt. They are good enough to take your eldest to school and back but won't be allowed to see the new baby.

I'd probably be scaling right back on the help I offered if I was excluded from seeing the baby after all the help I'd given.

I only see people suggesting shunning visitors on MN.
In the real world babies are born, families come for a short visit to congratulate the parents have a peak at the new baby and make a fuss of the older sibling about how great a big brother/ sister they are going to be (especially helpful if they are close to their grandparents).They ask if they can do anything to help or get anything from the shops and then they leave so you still have 23 out of 24hrs to yourselves or 22 out of 24hrs if both sets of parents come on the same day. That’s what happened in my case with my kids and recently with my grandkids. In fact with my 2nd born we popped in past Boots on the way home from the hospital so I was showing them off to the shop assistants.
From a practical point of view if your partner is home for a couple of weeks or so after the birth it’s best to have the visitors then so that your partner can politely suggest they leave if they are overstaying and you need to rest.

Sorry I should have mentioned in OP that I have not excluded them from seeing my other son or anything during this time & said that I would be grateful for any help with childcare during the birth etc - although it is not expected. My DS father has contact with him so he would be able to take him if my relatives weren't able.

I did relay to them that I was feeling anxious about the feeding and hadn't made up my mind just yet r.e. Visiting, but wanted to set expectations based on how I've been feeling recently in case I didn't feel up to having people in right away. I also reiterated several times that I love them dearly and it was not personal but more a boundary for myself to adjust.

Perhaps it was a bit presumptuous of me to expect them to be ok with it, we are close after all. I really didn't mean to hurt their feelings.

I do think if they are still going to be helping with childcare it will be a bit ridiculous

If they are doing school runs, are you going to shut the baby away when you open the door to give them your other kid/ have him home?

How will you manage the handover if they have your son for the birth?

said that I would be grateful for any help with childcare during the birth etc

I bet you'll accept the free childcare and then tell them to go away. No surprise they're hurt.

So, you're feeling nervous about the whole thing. Explain that to them and ask them for help with this! L

They love you, you know they're going to adore your baby, lean on them! Ask THEM to run interference with the rest of the family. Ask THEM to make sure other visitors keep their visits short and don't intrude, perhaps pushing them out to a few days after the birth. Get them on side and they will likely happily stand between you and anyone else that you need a boundary with.

But being strict with them with your boundaries? Probably not a good idea. They have every right to feel excluded and hurt given how much support they gave and still give you.

My intention for handover with DS - was to get his Dad to drop him off when I am home from hospital. If for whatever reason he was with my relatives and not his father then my partner would collect him from their house. My partner will also be taking DS to school during the two weeks that he is off following the birth - as we wouldn't want to put that on anyone else while he is available to do it. Hope that makes sense.

Thank you for your replies so far - I appreciate the honesty. As I said I didn't suggest shunning anyone for a week out of badness, it was just because of my own anxiety. It's been 8yrs since my last one and I'm nervous about lots of things. My close relatives are very pass remarkable and often give unwarranted opinions - However I can see why they would be hurt by this and don't want to cause a rift.. I will sort it out with them x

I genuinely would not do this.

I have split custody of my son with my ex partner and I work part time school hours so that I don't have to rely on my family for child care. I did 8yrs ago when I first had my son due to the fact I had PND and was in an emotionally abusive relationship. But now they take him to school and back 1 day per week which I am extremely grateful for and it is not expected either as he could easily go to breakfast club instead. They do it because they want to do it, I do not ask.

I hope that clears things up a bit for you and for anyone else that thinks I'm using them for childcare. They had previously offered to help with childcare during the birth and I am again very grateful for that but it is not expected or needed because his Dad is there.

Wow. Seems your ex was not the only control freak in your life. Of course you should have a few weeks to adjust. Baby is your new family member first and foremost, not theirs. Getting upset at their threats and then leaving is totally fine, you've nothing to feel guilty for. After that little power display and attempt to squash you down, I'd take two months before issuing an invitation to visit. If they're going to shit on you regarding helping you out, for not getting their own way, then you may as well have a decent amount of recovery time before you have to deal with their attitude. Not talking to you, indeed! They need to grow up and get over themselves.

As much as I was shocked at their reaction I wouldn't go any longer than my initial suggestion of 1 or 2 weeks - two wrongs don't make a right as they say.
However, your reply did make me laugh as yes, they can be quite domineering - let's just say my Sister & I are queens of the eye rolling club in that sense. My sister, I should add, has no issues putting boundaries in place with our family - she has several. But then again she is not a mother or generally a people pleaser like me.

Just an aside, one of my dear friends decided she wanted a "babymoon" (baby 3) and said she didn't want any visitors for a month, which I was happy to respect.

By week 2 she begged me to visit her as she was going out of her mind with boredom.

I laughed, called her a muppet, and arrived at hers shortly after laden with treats for her and made her copious cups of tea while there.

Don't underestimate the value of good company, who are also helpful, on your mental health!

Talking of ‘power display’…. 😏

And this is why it’s only on MN that I ever encounter so many dramatic people who’re all falling out and/or ‘NC’ with their families.

I don’t know anyone IRL like this ^^

I find this grand announcing of when people can and cannot visit a tad dramatic and something I am sure the royal family may do, it would be simpler if everyone who has a baby hands out a contract for people to read or sign or show no interest unless required to help

You are NOT being selfish.
Im astounded at how much some people lack compassion. Just because you found birth easy and managed to deal with the lack of sleep enough to tolerate visitors doesnt mean all other women should do this. OP you shoukd do whatever you need to protect your mental and physical wellbeing. Post natal depression is no joke. Do what you need to stay healthy. Prioritise whatever you think will help you breastfeed if thats something you want to try.
I had no visitors for a week after all my births. I would not have been able to cope with any. Very injured the first time and developed pnd, then the second time wasnt visited by anyone but the perinatal mental health team for the first week as I did not want to put myself under any stress and end up ill like with my first. I'm due my 3rd and ill be keeping to the no visitors for a week this time too. Baby will still be there for people to see after a week. Your family are being utterly ridiculous prioritising their impatience over your health.

I can see why they are hurt to be honest, although their reaction was ott.

The classic MN line has always seemed to be that you should ban all visitors for at least two weeks after the birth of a new baby. In reality, I've never known anyone who did this at all or who didn't want close relatives to meet the baby asap.

I wouldn't take the MN trope too literally. It isn't real life or even what most people do. Most want to show the baby off at the first opportunity.

You could well find yourself craving some more adult company and support. I certainly did and I'm certainly not the most sociable of beings. My births (three children) were all complicated and difficult. No easy deliveries for me.

Exactly! I never encounter it anywhere but here.

I've always thought it has the potential to cause needless hurt and tension in families and this post seems to bear that out.

Of course you might want to space visits out rather than being descended on all at once, but banning close family members who have been so helpful over the years is poor form. Get them to help you manage other people's demands instead, should that prove necessary.

I actually started considering it after going to a breast feeding class at the hospital. The midwife discussed lots of different things, including boundaries with visiting whilst trying to establish a routine. Of course she wasn't suggesting that this is what should be done, but said it could be a good option for anyone who's not feeling confident or BF for the first time..... so that you're not whipping your tatas out in front of anyone or feeling pressured by others.

For further info my family do not visit for 1hr then leave. With my first child we had a full house for around 4 days after returning from hospital. it was pretty overwhelming and I was an emotional wreck.

From what's been said I think I will talk to aunt & mother tomorrow- try to get them to manage any other extended family (not so close aunts, cousins and their children) from descending until I've had a week to put myself back together. That seems like a good idea so thank you to the person who suggested it.

It seems not worth the fall out to try and get them to respect my wishes - from what I gather on here there are lots of people who think that I'm being unfair & I guess I am in a sense. I do agree with the person who said their reaction was OTT - it most definitely was. Some pretty hurtful things were said about my partner and about me personally before I got upset and left. I am still awake and fretting about it all so the reaction has definitely knocked me for six. Those bloody hormones are a killer at this point (37 weeks).

Will try to sleep now, thanks again everyone for your honesty x

Fair play to you for taking on what people have said and suggested on the thread, @Mummmbles - you seem more balanced than some who have commented!

Thank you for saying so x

I'm trying to see things from all sides. The constructive replies were helpful x

Hi OP. Completely understand your concerns. I had a close family member tell me before birth that I'd regret it if I didn't have everyone visit asap - when she'd come home from hospital she had a house full of relatives and a takeaway. We knew we wouldn't and let the comment go but it did cause some anxiety before baby even arrived that everyone would descend on us. In reality, most people are respectful and give you time to get home and settled before asking to visit and when they do come, it's a brief visit for a hold of the baby then head off.

We had one aunt who turned up on a day after I'd been back in hospital in pain from a C-section infection and asked for a tour of the house (including bedrooms) which upset me because you can imagine what it looks with a newborn after a c-section. I wish I'd been quick enough to say no but that was very much the exception.

If you're feeling overwhelmed with feeding, I found it helpful in the early days to say baby needs fed and to take him out of the room to the bedroom so that I could relax when trying to feed. We both found it difficult to establish feeding in the beginning so spent much of the time topless and no visitor needs to see that! Most visitors were respectful of that and left us to it if he needed fed. The midwife also suggested it's a handy excuse to leave the room briefly if you're feeling overwhelmed and need a bit of time to regroup away from the visitors.

Play it by ear once baby arrives and you know how you feel. You might be desperate to show off the baby or be craving adult company but if you're struggling to feed or tired etc once baby is here, it's possibly easier to put people off a bit at the time with that explanation than put barriers in place now.

Sounds like a weirdly anxiety inducing breast feeding class. Honestly if you don’t want to feed the baby in front of people just feed it in your bedroom. It’s not hard and you’ll presumably being going to the toilet, making cups of tea, changing babies nappies and brushing your hair so it’s highly unlikely you can’t feed a baby in the same way if you want to and just go somewhere else to do it.
i wonder how you’d feel if your mum just went on holiday for a few weeks?