Visitors after birth... am I the as*hole?

[Mummmbles]

Hi All,

This is my 2nd pregnancy- 1st was 8yrs ago with a different partner who was a bit of a s**t. I needed my family around me a lot with my first child and we are very close. They still help out a lot with school runs etc.
My current partner is supportive and great with my DS (age 7).

Long story short - I've been thinking about putting some boundaries in place for visitors after the baby is born. I'm going to be breast feeding for the first time, so I feel it's important to have some time to adjust to this with privacy. I also bled a lot last time, had terrible anxiety and couldn't sleep at all - and so this time I would like a few days to get my head around that too, as well as some time for us to adjust to being a family of 4.

This evening I tentatively approached the subject of having 1/2 weeks post birth with no visitors to my Mother and Aunt (who I'm close to) & was met with a resounding 'You don't care about us, you're excluding us, this is extremely selfish of you' reaction. They also advised that if I go ahead with this plan that it would be 'remembered' and I took that to mean that they would hold it against me and not be there for me if I need help with childcare or anything else. I was completely thrown and I probably didn't conduct myself very well following their reaction, I got very upset and left. I've since come home and text them both to see if they are ok because I felt guilty and they have both responded to say no and that they don't want to talk to me.

My partner thinks I am well within my rights to ask for whatever privacy I want and that my relatives have reacted badly. I'm not sure how I feel now.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? Does anyone have any advice on setting boundaries around visitors? And am I being selfish?

Thank you for your comment. Leaving the room to feed was suggested by midwife, for the reasons you've mentioned. I will be doing that until such times that I feel comfortable not doing so.
I think my family has misinterpreted my nerves and wishes for privacy with breast feeding as being spiteful - which is a shame cause it's really not the case. It probably could've been a conversation that could've resulted in a compromise if it wasn't for their completely over the top reaction to me having my own mind.
Their thoughts on feeding were that I was being stupid and dramatic for having concerns. My mother was quick to remind me that she's given birth more times than me and that therefore she knows what she's talking about. My aunt has never had any children but she was able to tell me that breast feeding isn't something I should be precious about cause lots of women do it so best get used to exposing my breasts. They also weighed in on my partner because they think he's putting ideas in my head and that I am shutting them out for his benefit (he's absolutely not and I only spoke to him about it after the fact - to which he thought they'd over reacted).

I can see why they have taken offence - because I'm able to reflect and look at it from another point of view.... something that they always struggle with. It makes me feel sad knowing that I've hurt them so much to the point that they don't want to talk to me. Anyway I will try to speak to my mother today and see how the land lies - my aunt has told me she's got no interest in sorting it out with me for now so that's her choice. My mum will probably say the same but I will try regardless.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. People are very quick to forget that the woman is the one who has actually given birth and needs time to heal and also recover mentally too and bond with baby.

in some cultures they have a period of 30 days post birth where they don’t see anyone. The older iv got the more iv come to love this concept 😂

It’s all so controlling and unnecessary. Try and change the dynamic and rather than controlling how other people are behaving control your own behaviour.

My wife had a very traumatic labour. She could barely move when we got home as she was in so much pain. I was passing her the baby in bed so she could breastfeed. When we put off visitors for a few days even after explaining the situation and the reasons, we got a very negative reaction from some family. Telling my wife to 'suck it up' and they had to deal with it in their day and people just got on with it.

People take it very personally no matter how nicely you say it and everyone thinks their entitled when there's a newborn concerned. I would have visitors but just put boundaries in place like time limits etc. I could not cope with people hanging around for hours and hours on end no matter how close.

My ex SiL breast fed her son (my nephew) for the first few months, and I called in to see her the day she got home. I cleaned her kitchen, entertained my older nephew and got him dinner, and just did bits around the house so she could sit and focus on getting him latched on in peace. And of course I was happy to give him cuddles when she got up to stretch her legs! But I was very conscious I didn't want to get in her way or make her feel overwhelmed, but I was there to help her and take away some of the stress and anxiety of getting in with her second child.
What I'm saying is that people call round to help and do what they can. You may actually find that they do help you more than you realise. Plus as you're close, they shouldn't be offended by 'ok, I'm off to bed, see you later guys!'
Wishing you all the best ❤️

I'm expecting my second at the moment, and the idea of having no visitors at all for the first couple of weeks is slightly terrifying to me! Of course I would also hate it if I was descended on by a load of people who wouldn't leave!

I think it's about balance - your mum and aunt are likely to be helpful in those early days. My parents brought round cooked meals and did my washing etc to help out when we were in a sleep deprived daze, and I know that they will be much appreciated this time around too, especially as there is a toddler in the mix now. Like others have suggested, maybe get them to manage the expectations of other visitors, especially those you might not be as comfortable around in terms of breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding can be overwhelming at first, but you will settle into it. I personally found having my mum visiting, who had experience helped to reassure me. It can seem a bit overwhelming the idea of getting your boobs out all the time, but you get used to it and to be honest I fed in front of most people, if they are embarrassed that's their problem...but I know this is easier said than done sometimes, and like others have said you can go into another room if you feel you have to. I think the key thing to reiterate to visitors is that they need to ask if you are ok with them coming over, don't accept drop ins or visiting unannounced!

Let me give you some advice as a mum of 2...You will appreciate the extra hands when you're trying to breastfeed baby and your other child needs attention/tending to. Baby number 2 is never as exciting as baby number 1! Don't exclude people if they want to visit, you can set boundaries without outright telling people not to come over for 1/2 weeks. There are so many benefits to visitors especially family who can do a job or 2 for you while they're there.

Thanks all for taking time to reply. I appreciate most of the advice here it's very helpful. X

That's coz you're a knob (as displayed by your attitude here) and people like me wouldn't put up with you

I understand that you have to do what seems right for you . But to be honest I don't understand the new trend to exclude visitors for a certain length of time after a baby is born.
It's during that time that you need all the help you can get. I breast fed my children and has visitors within hours of them being born. Similarly I saw my GC within hours of their birth. And they were all successfully breast fed. If DC had asked me not to visit for two weeks I would honour the request and probably not said anything but I would have been very hurt. As it was my DC appreciated the help with the older children including looking after them with their younger siblings were born and playing with them so the new parents could get some rest or concentrate on the new baby.

You have a very supportive family and you're trying to exclude them, I can understand why they're hurt. My mum would have been (quietly) devastated if I'd excluded her when my DC were born.

I couldn't wait to show off my baby each time anyway! DH and I also appreciated people coming to play with the older child/children, and holding the baby so we could spend time playing with the older ones so they didn't feel pushed out by the new arrival.

I don’t think your (potential) request is unreasonable, I’m due our second and my partner and I have had a similar discussion. We had a difficult experience with our first baby with the birth and extended stay in hospital plus I was also breastfeeding (not that you have to have all of that in order to put boundaries in place, giving birth is hard in itself without the rest).

We didn’t stop people visiting at the hospital in the NICU or immediately after we’d returned home but it was very difficult and we weren’t really up for visitors in all honesty but didn’t feel like we could say no. In hindsight, I wish we had and we will do this time if we feel it’s needed.

Fair play to the people who didn’t feel this way but I don’t think that warrants invalidating others for wanting to put boundaries in place. We all have different families and need/want different things.

Op I do think that your family have overreacted and if they don’t want to talk to you then that’s really childish on their part. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and understand you wanting to sort this out with them but I don’t think it should be at the detriment of you.

I do understand where you are coming from as my in-laws came and spent an entire day and wanted to do that every few days. And I was extremely exhausted and really needed to sleep; but struggled to do that with the noise and DH was too preoccupied with entertaining them to help me and baby. This is very different to them popping in for an hour or two and then leaving (and making themselves useful helping around the house). Rather just got judgemental looks and stress of cleaning before they came.

Having said all of this, I've decided not to embargo them this time round. Not only would they be offended but they won't get a chance to bond with their newborn GC. I am however thinking of putting boundaries with siblings on both sides, including fixed time and day slots to visit that are better, so that we are not spending days entertaining different parts of the family and the resulting exhaustion as a result. That way everyone gets to come but it's not a case of waiting all day or waiting on people for an entire day.

The other option I've considered is encouraging everyone to come whilst I'm still in hospital so the visit is done and no faffing about at home, and/or taking baby to my parents one of the weekends and inviting other wider family members to visit there (so pressure off me). But I'm going to play it by ear think and want to take it easy and not get stressed about it.

I saw one of my cousin's baby within a few days after birth (upon her invitation) and it was so special. But at the same time I'd be very happy to wait a few weeks even for my own GC, as the mother's wellbeing takes priority everytime. Happy mother happy baby!

Funny then that I have wide, extended family that I have lovely close relationships with, and have never cut off a person, or been cut off by one in my life, then. As does everyone else in my life - unlike on MN.

You’re the one the suggesting wielding a ridiculous power play and not letting people cross the threshold, but OK, I’m the ‘knob’.

Luckily the OP is a lot more reasonable than you.

Yeah I felt a bit invalidated the minute the replies started coming in I won't lie. However as I've posted publicly asking for advice, I was prepared for both sides of the argument. I guess everyone is going to feel different in their own experiences and I have to respect that.

I'm disappointed that my family have focused solely on their entitlement as opposed to what's best for me and my family. It's been a tough pregnancy, I've struggled a bit with feeling down and now in the final trimester the anxiety has kicked in. So feeling a bit unsupported and misunderstood overall. I don't think I deserved half of the verbal beating I got from the two people whom I expected to understand. But hey, we cannot control others emotions or reactions to things.
In hindsight I should've preempted their response. I have been their daughter/niece for 34yrs lol I know what they are like!

Hope they come round soon & thanks for your comment x

I am the opposite the 1st 2 -4 weeks I needed help so I could bond with LO. I needed some one to help with food and dishes and cleaning while me and my DH rested and bonded with LO.

When I had LO I spent meals with NY famiky who visited and then the rest of the time up in my room nursing and dping skin to skin. They didn't mind one bit as they got to see baby for a little bit and they got to help me. After they left I cried

My sister's daughter had a baby a few months ago and asked that no one visit for 4 days.
It's my sister's first grandchild and she was so excited, spending a lot of time and money on the lead up to the baby (only going when invited). They were very close.
When she announced she'd had a grandchild, everyone asked if she'd seen them, why was she not at the hospital, so she went just to pop in, but was told her daughter would not see her. She visited a week or so later, held the baby and just kissed him on the head/hair, as a reflex and daughter snatched the baby back and would not talk to her and demanded an apology.
I do think this is a very generational thing and from what I hear about tik tok this seems to be the in thing - boundaries and consent. And how boomers are the problem, very divisive. What about family values? My sister is devastated, and when asked how her grandchild is and how exciting it must be, her answer is, I wouldn't know. I do think this is totally been blown out of proportion but it has gone on for so long there may be no way back. A grandmother deprived of her grandchild, and a grandchild deprived of a grandmother. The other issue is these days it's all done by text, so if you read it angry, it comes across that way.

Sorry to say but I’m not onboard with this ‘boundaries’ thing. Yes fine if they will come and stay for hours but if you deny the grandparents the chance to come round for a quick cup
of tea and spend an hour with their new grand baby then I think that is particularly selfish and they’re right, it will always be remembered.

To the poster above: Your sister doesn't have any god-given right to visit her grandchild ASAP, and the baby doesn't know her from Adam (or care). There is plenty of time to build relationships at a time when her daughter isn't recovering from labour/newborn days!

I would be interested to know what age groups are saying don't visit/do visit though. And no the baby doesn't know her from Adam but the mother has known her child since she was born. So particularly when they have been close for the last 30 years. It's seems to be a relatively new thing not to want any visitors. This is her first grandchild and she will never get a chance to have that feeling again and the joy has been taken away by this, imo, for the sake of 10 minutes. So I do understand both points of view but no one sees it as family values these days. And it really should be the whole family, it's how society survives. No wonder so many people are lonely.

So while they are useful and you need them its all ok as soon as their services are not required you turn into a queen with 'visit by royal invite only'

I cant believe you cant see how selfish your POV is. So your sister has to wait a couple of days, its not her baby, if mum needs time to adjust and recover, who are you or your sister to demand access like its some god given right. If your sister gave a crap about her own child, she would want her to be comfortable! You say about only staying10 minutes, it never is, its an hour minimum. Kissing is well known to be a no-no, calling it a reflex like it justifies the situation is exactly why boundaries need to be so firmly set these days, because people like your sister only act in their own best interest rather than the childs and then dismiss any upset by further belittling their need for boundaries. Grandparents seem to be more interested in posting pictures of their grandkids on Facebook to keep up with old Joan next door than respecting their own childrens wishes.

Boundaries came about specifically because older generations act like the matriarchy/patriarchy to the detriment of the younger family. My father believes he is the head of my family and that he has his own sort of rights to final decisions made within the family. He has no rights over my life at near 40 years old whatsoever and therefore I have had little choice but to impose boundaries on what I consider acceptable as to his input on my life.

If you have such a problem with the "boundaries thing", may be take a look at why its even affecting you in the first place. Id put money on you being over bearing.

Saying this in general - so if grandparents/ relatives or even friends do the school run for the older kids, provide childcare, come and help with housework doing shopping or anything else that is fine as soon as they want to see a new baby 'you need to respect my boundaries but continue to help on my terms only'

Im commenting quite specifically on the post where the women is moaning on her sisters behalf. But regardless, helping someone out does not give you a full time right of access over their home and life. Help or dont, you shouldnt be attaching demands to it. 1 week is nothing in the grand scheme of things, if its that much of a problem then I'd really have to wonder why. Has no one seen a baby before?