Visitors after birth... am I the as*hole?

[Mummmbles]

Hi All,

This is my 2nd pregnancy- 1st was 8yrs ago with a different partner who was a bit of a s**t. I needed my family around me a lot with my first child and we are very close. They still help out a lot with school runs etc.
My current partner is supportive and great with my DS (age 7).

Long story short - I've been thinking about putting some boundaries in place for visitors after the baby is born. I'm going to be breast feeding for the first time, so I feel it's important to have some time to adjust to this with privacy. I also bled a lot last time, had terrible anxiety and couldn't sleep at all - and so this time I would like a few days to get my head around that too, as well as some time for us to adjust to being a family of 4.

This evening I tentatively approached the subject of having 1/2 weeks post birth with no visitors to my Mother and Aunt (who I'm close to) & was met with a resounding 'You don't care about us, you're excluding us, this is extremely selfish of you' reaction. They also advised that if I go ahead with this plan that it would be 'remembered' and I took that to mean that they would hold it against me and not be there for me if I need help with childcare or anything else. I was completely thrown and I probably didn't conduct myself very well following their reaction, I got very upset and left. I've since come home and text them both to see if they are ok because I felt guilty and they have both responded to say no and that they don't want to talk to me.

My partner thinks I am well within my rights to ask for whatever privacy I want and that my relatives have reacted badly. I'm not sure how I feel now.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation? Does anyone have any advice on setting boundaries around visitors? And am I being selfish?

I’ve not caught up on all the other posts, but honestly OP, I don’t think your TAH.

Postpartum is HARD, and having constant visitors wanting to cuddle your baby for hours on end when you’ve not had a chance to properly bond with baby yourself (or establish BF, or heal etc) doesn’t make it any easier. From experience people rarely want to help you now either, just cuddle baby.

It is my biggest regret having visitors over so soon with my first so, now I’m pregnant with my second, I’ve already said people aren’t coming over to just have endless baby cuddles at the very beginning, that is MY time with baby. They can come and have a quick cuddle and then they can entertain my toddler if they want to stay any longer.

I really don’t understand why people are so set on getting fresh out of the womb cuddles anyway - babies are pretty boring (and if visiting too soon usually still covered in gunk..) 😂

It clearly appears to be a generational thing. I was bought up to have respect for my elders and no that doesn't give them a right just to railroad in and take charge - it should be a mutual thing. What I really don't understand is that any mother obviously feels their child is precious, so surely that includes the mother of the child that's just given birth? It's natural to want to share that time, I don't mean be there at the birth, or even that day, but I think it's not having that discussion is the problem. It was done by text. Anyone else I could understand, but you seem to be saying that grand parents aren't important ( unless it's for money/inheritance or baby sitting duties when they realise they can't afford child care) And the no kissing thing I would get if it was the face or hands or constant - or a stranger. We all survived. I think tik tok, which is mainly where this comes from - not midwives or health visitors - is actually cruel and unkind.

I didnt say for a second anything about babysitting or inheritance, thats just bitterness coming out and another classic example of why boundaries need to be set when parents/grandparents are using tools like the afore mentioned to blackmail their own children.

"we all survived", seriously though, kids survived being abused up by their parents and school teachers, it doesnt mean we should carry on doing it in a civilised and educated society.

Elders do not get an automatic right to be respected like they once did, because a lot of people abused that right. Respect should be mutual. Your sister should respect her childs decision and, in turn, her child may be a little more flexible because she is feeling heard.

I honestly dont know why you are blaming tiktok for everything, I barely know what it is, Im simply able to use reason and logic based on more than "thats what we always did and we were fine".

And this attitude sums up so many problems in society right now. There appears to be no compromise at all. If my daughters behaved like my niece has I would be very upset. This is about family values. You clearly have little respect for your father and may have good reason for that, but actually if his parents aren't alive he is the patriarch of your family, technically.
My sister has made so many sacrifices for her family financially and emotionally,as a single parent and I'm sorry in this modern age, it's a kick in the teeth. She has respected her daughters wishes and it's still not enough. And your last comment sums it up, of course she has seen a baby before but she had never seen her grandson before. This emotion is so different and maybe the only way you will understand that is when you're a grandparent.

I think it's all academic/a bit premature tbh because I expect you will be desperate for their presence/help after two or three days. Probably a bit of a waste of time mentioning it and now a huge row has blown up over it. Maybe you secretly want a bit more attention - like the attention you have been getting throughout your pregnancy, after the birth, so you are sort of trying to extend and control being centre stage for a bit ☺️😉

She decided to become a parent, and with that comes sacrifice, her children didnt ask to be born, nor did they ask to have it held over their heads for the rest of their lives how difficult it was for her. You may think this is just so typical of our attitude these days, I think it is just so typical of your generation to be so self consumed as to make the birth of someone elses child about you and exactly the reason we need to be so firm these days. No matter what I say, you will keep bringing it back to respect, but you dont see the irony in this being so blatantly disregarded when it comes to the wishes of the parent. I dont need to be a grandparent to realise that being hysterical over 7 days of patience is ridiculous.

Baby was born several months ago guys 😂

Mine wasnt and I'm expecting exactly this kind of battle with a select couple of GP's who will want to turn up for photos they can stick on Facebook whilst they have me make them tea and coffee,

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@Screwballs ,you really need to calm down!
FWIW I really enjoyed seeing family and friends soon after having my children.
My Mum was so proud and I am so glad she enjoyed those precious newborn cuddles. I have a picture of her with each one of my children the first time she met them. Also lovely pics of MIL as well.
Shall cherish those photos forever.
My daughter thankfully had the same approach when she had my Granddaughter.I was her birth partner as well. At her request I must add .

How do I need to calm down? This is on a specific topic surrounding boundaries and lack of respect for them, and is exactly what I am discussing. In your case you had none and everyone was happy, so whats the issue?

Honestly, IMO invite them over for a couple of hours. Make sure there's something after so it can't overrun, and once they've had cuddles etc you can have some peace.

It doesn't have to be a prolonged free for all, and sometimes seeing GP early gets them out of your hair for a bit.

OP, is there any way you can not tell anyone baby has arrived until at least a couple of days later? If so then I'd do that, tbh. Your family sound like the type to ignore your feelings and prioritise their own, so take the option away from them.

My baby was born 4 months ago. My family didn't understand why I wanted space, I relented in the end because the peace was better than arguing about it. They did finally get it in the end - because I was sitting with my breasts out for most of the early days.
Anyway it was a while ago now and my kids have loving relatives who care about them so it's all forgotten. I was never ungrateful or disrespectful towards them, just conscious of breastfeeding for the first time and wanted space to get to grips with that.

I'm sorry OP, hadn't realised it was a slightly old thread! Congratulations on your still relatively new baby, I hope all is well with you and her :) ps your family were bullies to go on at you like that.

@Screwballs I’m not overbearing, I was just able to sacrifice an hour of my time to allow the grandparents to meet their new grand children when I became a mum both times, even the time we had been through a terrible time in nicu.

As I said obviously having them stay for hours is a no go, and if sadly you have a very poor relationship with the grandparents that’s different. But if you’re just denying them of that early meet because you want to have the first few days alone with the baby and are calling that a ‘boundary’ as so many people on here seem to, I think you’re actually just an incredibly selfish person.

Congrats on the birth op! Sorry no one listened to you. It’s insane to me that your family and most pp feel entitled to see someone’s baby. It’s not a benefit to the baby, and it’s often a hindrance to the mum, who needs to relax and recover and to establish breast feeding. Genuinely I can’t imagine being so selfish to think that moment is about me, my rights or desire to see a baby and not about the mum and baby. but I’m glad you’re all ok now and your DC is here safe and loved.

That’s great OP . I hope you and baby are thriving.Glad that family are all on board.💐😊

Again, its no one elses baby. Call it selfish all you want and i'll call you entitled.