35 and too scared to tell my mum I’m pregnant!!

[summerfruit28]

I expect I’m well in the minority here, but I am absolutely dreading telling my mum I’m pregnant. I think it goes back to when I disclosed my first pregnancy to her. I was 19 at the time so very young really. She was horrified, I’m her only child and she struggled bringing me up alone. She wanted more for me. Etc etc. We didn’t speak for several weeks, she implied an abortion would be in my best interests and explained in depth how sad and disappointed she was. I had three babies close together, she was fine with the subsequent two pregnancies. Their dad left. I’ve been a single parent (dad hasn’t had contact for about 10 years since meeting new GF and having two more kids with her) for about 11 years now. Hard but I’ve not known any different really and I’m proud of myself for getting through it. Fast forward to now, I’m 35 and in the most loving
relationship with a wonderful man who treats me like a princess and has taken my kids as his own. What makes the situation rather unconventional is that we don’t live together. In fact he’s 150 miles away. He’s lucky to be self employed and earns well, so he comes up to us most weekends and stays between 3-4 nights at a time. We also go to his in half terms. Obviously the plan is eventually for us to move down there but yes it’s likely I’ll be on my own with a 15, 14 and 12 yo AND a baby for a while until moving becomes a reality. I know it’s far from normal, please don’t judge. I’m prepared for this. Also, my mum has made it SO clear that she is done with grand parenting. She doesn’t want anymore, and she loves bringing up at every opportunity how I messed her life up by making her a grandmother so young. She didn’t have chance to live her life, she never got her empty nest or her life back, I’m selfish etc etc. I’m absolutely bricking it at the thought of telling her. Best case is she’s just a bit miffed, worst case is she hits the roof, tells me I’ve ruined her life all over again, and doesn’t speak to me for however long. I had a MMC earlier this year that she doesn’t know about, and this baby is so so wanted, at 35 it will be my last. I’m just so worried about the fallout. However I’m 16 weeks and won’t be able to hide it much longer.
All advice welcome xx

Hi Summerfruit28,

I think it's a case of ripping the band aid off. What will be will be, regardless of her reaction it sounds like you know what you want with your life and your partner is supportive.

Unfortunately I suffer with a similar scenario in terms of a mum who is easily offended and upset, gaslighting ect. She used to regularly have me in tears in my teen years and early 20s (I'm now 31). Personally I've found the best way to manage this is to keep boundaries and keep her at arms length, I see her and tell her stuff on my terms and don't let things bother me. Although I am now expecting my first baby so concerned about how her behaviour might change going forward, hopefully I can maintain the similar boundaries.

I hope you tell her soon.

This

Im in 30s and your posts have a very angled perspective OP.

It sounds like she might already have guessed.

Maybe the 1-2 days a week though by no means excessive has restricted her lifestyle in some ways? I am sure she loves her grandchildren very much but sometimes people do things out of duty or because they feel they should when really they should speak up and say that doesn't really work for me. I wonder if your mum feels her days of caring for younger children are behind her and she is happy about that and seeing less committments on the horizon. Though in saying all that you shouldn't feel fearful of telling her you are having a baby. Babies are a beautiful gift and one she will probably adore.

They won't use a childminder as they prefer to spend the money in drinking and nights out. The majority of the time the child is there is so they can have nights out. Unfortunately the family member has enabled a situation were these parents are not having to take any real responsibility for there child.

@Totalwasteofpaper how do you mean?

Op what is going to happy about money? This man will be the sole income provider. Going from just himself to… 1 adult, 3 teenagers and 1 baby.

what the heck. Op you started this thread whinging about your partner (so much for “he treats me like a Princess”) just… yesterday

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4885684-to-be-angry-oh-missed-three-exits-for-services-and-i-ended-up-weeing-all-over-the-car?postsby=summerfruit28

you, your three teens plus a newborn moving 150 miles to be with a man with no experience of children on his own and that you’ve only known 2 years and already starting negative threads about… has shit show stamped all over it

@summerfruit28 this is what i mean.

I'm also approx 16 weeks pregnant.... if being too uncomfortable to communicate basic needs to the person who is supposed to love and care for you most to the point you piss yourself is your idea of being treated like a princess you can keep it.
My DH treats me as an equal and with consideration - i can ask him for things without feeling scared or him being angry.

If my DD actively chose to breed with a man like this i would not be falling myself with delight.

@Totalwasteofpaper

can you imagine how worried you’d be if you daughter, a single mother of 3 teenagers, one of whom is receiving support from CAMHS, is pregnant and upping sticks 150 miles away with a man who 2 years in - she’s starting a thread about the fact she had to use her son’s water bottle to pee in to because her partner wouldn’t stop / she didn’t feel comfortable articulating her urgency to pee.

As a mother, I would be so worried. For my daughter. For my grandchildren. For my unborn grandchild

and I’d be bloody worried about fact that this man will be moving from supporting himself to an extra 5 people

@Strawberryboost yep.
But pointing this out if very much frowned upon in general as its not supportive or #bekind

Personally i dont think its very helpful to support peoples poor life choices