35 and too scared to tell my mum I’m pregnant!!

[summerfruit28]

I expect I’m well in the minority here, but I am absolutely dreading telling my mum I’m pregnant. I think it goes back to when I disclosed my first pregnancy to her. I was 19 at the time so very young really. She was horrified, I’m her only child and she struggled bringing me up alone. She wanted more for me. Etc etc. We didn’t speak for several weeks, she implied an abortion would be in my best interests and explained in depth how sad and disappointed she was. I had three babies close together, she was fine with the subsequent two pregnancies. Their dad left. I’ve been a single parent (dad hasn’t had contact for about 10 years since meeting new GF and having two more kids with her) for about 11 years now. Hard but I’ve not known any different really and I’m proud of myself for getting through it. Fast forward to now, I’m 35 and in the most loving
relationship with a wonderful man who treats me like a princess and has taken my kids as his own. What makes the situation rather unconventional is that we don’t live together. In fact he’s 150 miles away. He’s lucky to be self employed and earns well, so he comes up to us most weekends and stays between 3-4 nights at a time. We also go to his in half terms. Obviously the plan is eventually for us to move down there but yes it’s likely I’ll be on my own with a 15, 14 and 12 yo AND a baby for a while until moving becomes a reality. I know it’s far from normal, please don’t judge. I’m prepared for this. Also, my mum has made it SO clear that she is done with grand parenting. She doesn’t want anymore, and she loves bringing up at every opportunity how I messed her life up by making her a grandmother so young. She didn’t have chance to live her life, she never got her empty nest or her life back, I’m selfish etc etc. I’m absolutely bricking it at the thought of telling her. Best case is she’s just a bit miffed, worst case is she hits the roof, tells me I’ve ruined her life all over again, and doesn’t speak to me for however long. I had a MMC earlier this year that she doesn’t know about, and this baby is so so wanted, at 35 it will be my last. I’m just so worried about the fallout. However I’m 16 weeks and won’t be able to hide it much longer.
All advice welcome xx

And the op never clarified whether he has children to add to the mix

He is self employed and flexible

and yet the OP is planning on moving these teens during their formative years to an entirely new area and school and CAMHs support.

and I hope he’s very aware financially what he’s taking on. 5 extra people.

I just think that if she doesn’t want to be in their lives, then don’t let her! If she does the guilt trip response ‘that’s ok, if you don’t want to be involved then don’t :)’ really sweet and kind and gentle, then when she gets angry about it say gently and kindly ‘if you do want to be involved then you can, there’s no pressure- we are so excited :)’

that is what works with my mum. She can be really judgemental and the world seems to just be from her point of view- there is no other opinions and she can’t stand anyone disagreeing with her.

im very blessed that she is excited to be a granny and is being very supportive, but I live an hour and a half from her and the in-laws so I think distance makes the heart grow fonder 😂

PS I learnt this technique in therapy to allow me to keep her in my life, as well as imagining she is a toddler so I can be more empathetic - our parents have trauma that they have never (and sometimes never will) overcome, and that’s why they act how they do. Once I got that into my head it was easier to deal with the things that hurt me, because in reality in some situations she’s stuck at a very young mental age where she was traumatised.

Worth considering

@Mamasharp97 the DM isn’t likely to be in their lives much anyway given the Op is moving family hook line and sinker 150 miles away

Jeez @Layinwait what is your beef 😂 I’m in a long distance relationship, have been so for over 2 years, with a man who is here pretty much every weekend and during the week, who treats me like no one ever has, who treats my children like his own, who comes on holiday with us, takes us out, spends his money on us, helps out tremendously and supports me as a parent. My mum likes him, as and when we make the move, she will come with. We aren’t moving yet, my eldest will have done her exams, the other two won’t even have started theirs. I think you’re just a troll. Or maybe just his ex perhaps.

Similar to you OP 1st baby in teens and my mum wasn’t happy at all- then was a single mother when my baby was 3 - met my current partner when they were 6, now 14! Has a second baby last year and was sooo scared to tell my mum. I’m in my 30’s now - She was fine and absolutely adores my baby!
Tbh if she isn’t fine it’s none of her business! She can’t hate being a grandmother that much if she is prepared to move to be with you!
Enjoy your pregnancy, your move and your partner and children - best of luck xx

OP hasn’t asked your opinion about that, she has replied loads explaining why, and they will wait for the eldest to finish exams, and has said her eldest is happy to move. Would you be asking so many questions if she was married and her DP was the father of her eldest 3 children and they just wanted to move? You’re just trying to make someone feel awful about something they have clearly already thought about and quite frankly isn’t any of your business.

I'm not sure why your Mum wants to move with you seeing as you ruined her life etc.

I really think you need to have to the courage to shut these nasty comments down that she makes and if she can't help herself perhaps it's best she stays where she is now.

Although when you asked for her help for when you were working that perhaps was still an awful lot more help than perhaps you realise? Not that it makes it ok for these nasty and cruel comments to carry on though.

Would you be asking so many questions if sheet was married and her DP was the father of her eldest 3 children and they just wanted to move?

And you can’t see the difference with moving in with a man who appears to have no children, but is going to open to his (5 bedroom?) house for three teenagers, one of whom under CAMHs when they have been together for a mere 2 years.

ok I will bow out. But surely you can see that as a friend or mother - you’d be bloody worried about this.

OP congratulations. I think you need to think long and hard about the impact you having kids had on your mum so you can understand her reaction.

You have said she doesn't provide excessive childcare but did care for them when you worked. To me that seems a lot of childcare. What do you consider excessive childcare? I have a family member who insists the family member who looks after her daughter on average of 5 days a week including between 2 and 3 overnight stay frequently doesn't do much more than the odd childcare. The reality is they do a very excessive amount and it's aggreviated health issues in this family member and meant her own friendships and relationships with other family members has deteriorated because she has no time or energy. If your mum has provided a lot of childcare maybe make it clear she ain't be expected to this time.

If it's not that at all maybe rethink how much positivity the relationship is bringing to your life.

@Layinwait who is worried tho? My mum isn’t worried. I’m not worried, boyf isn’t worried. What I’m worried about is telling my mum I’m having a baby. Not because it involves a big move or because my eldest has mental health problems. I’m worried because my mum will possibly hit the roof at the prospect of becoming a grandmother all over again just as she’s getting used to the he idea of being rid of them in a few years.

Your mum doesn’t know OP that you’re pregnant or planning on upping the family to move in with him

and the fact you’re not worried - well that’s concerning.

and how the heck do you know he’s not worried. If he isn’t - having three teenagers with varying issues and a pregnant girlfriend move in - he should at least be, well, nervous

I’ll bow out don’t worry. But I strongly suspect OP - that this is going to be a shit show and may explain why your mother doesn’t leap for joy. All the best

@Layinwait But you do realise that the mother is not worried about the move or the boyfriend, right? That is not in question here. She knows about both of those things, and even plans to move down when they do!

The only issue here is OPs mother throwing a fit every time OP tells her shes pregnant. And that she is "done" with being a grandparent.

Nothing else is relevant, and no one asked for our opinion on their lives.

The only issue here, at this particular moment in time, is OP telling her mother she is pregnant!

The move wont even happen for some time! Dont concern yourself with it!

@Layinwait she DOES know we’re planning on moving there!! She is planning to come with.

Thank you so much for your input tho it’s been invaluable!

All these people saying 'your mums toxic' obviously haven't got 19 plus year old kids! She was worried for you. She will still be worried but you're an adult so what can she say really that's going to make a difference?

@summerfruit28 My god!! You really do not have to explain yourself to some stranger who weirdly seems to think they know more about what's best for your relationship, your kids and your Mother!!

Just tell your Mum and get it off your chest. At the end of the day, you're a grown woman who clearly knows how to bring up children. Your Mum will either deal with it as an adult or she won't. If she doesn't like it then that's her problem to deal with not yours.

You just crack on being a Mum to your kids!

@pompomdaisy there’s been lots of upset over the years over various things. She will fall out with me over minor things, not speak to me for weeks, guilt trips, explosive tempers, lots of eye rolling door slamming and muttering under breath. When she says she’s done with grandkids I think she really means it and going on her behaviour over the last 35 years of my life I’ve a good idea of how the news will go down. Hence the nerves. x

Hi , I feel you , currently 10
Weeks pregnant with 4th and I'm really nervous to tell my mum ! I'm 33 , I don't know why I'm nervous , maybe because I hate having negative judgment from her on anything she can really press my buttons and get it me. I don't feel I can deal with it at the moment as feeling fragile . No advice but just wanted to say I'm in a similar boat to you . My mum isn't very maternal either and doesn't really do a huge amount with my 3 .

Let me know how it goes .
C

@gskay83 haha I know at my age it seems mad. She’s just never been happy with me it feels like. Lots of history there, emotional manipulation over so many different things, silent treatment, tantrums etc. She really can flip and I’ve never managed to win an argument without her cutting me off for weeks at a time, which is like her default response not just with me but I’ve seen her do it countless times with good friends over the years.

As for for layinwait (seems that’s what she like to do) I’m more amused if a little concerned with her interest in my fellas house, work, thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if she’s just really misunderstood the point of my post altogether. I don’t think she reads replies because I feel like nothing I’ve said has gone in. Never mind, you can’t please everyone!

@Fundays12 Well when their dad left two were in nursery and primary, I had left my job at his request (he left us a couple of months after I handed my notice in) so I was on income support until youngest was in full time school as I didn’t have anyone to look after them were I to work. So she had provided no childcare then as it wasn’t required and I didn’t expect her to bring my kids up while I was at work. After the youngest started school I did some higher education for 3 years, studied mostly from home and used uni grants for before/after school care. After I finished that I went into a job I loved for just over a year but she hated the shift patterns (childcare shared between her, my dad and their paternal grandparents, and a godsend of a next door neighbour). So I left that job for one that meant I needed less childcare. For the last three years she’s had them after school 1-2 times a week 4-8 although they don’t really need looking after, just feeding and supervising. I don’t go out at the weekends and I have zero social life apart from work, and it’s been that way for 10 years. She occasionally has them for a Friday or Saturday night, maybe once every 2-3 months?

I would agree your family members family member does an awful lot. Why doesn’t she use a childminder or other childcare do
you know? That was my choice when I needed it on a regular basis, my mum and other grandparents were always only for out of hours or emergencies really unless they offered otherwise, which they didn’t. Thank you for your response x

NRFT but honestly in your situation with the toxicity towards your life path and choices, I'd not tell her. Ever. Avoid visiting for 9 months, never invite her over, leave secret child with DH when you drop in to visit your mum. My mum is difficult and she doesn't know about anything major that's happened in my life good or bad, I just don't tell her then I don't have to hear her opinions on it. I'm not trying to maintain a close relationship though, if you are then maybe telling her but being assertive about not putting up with bitchy comments is the way to go. FWIW that didn't work for me though, the minute I started refusing to tolerate her nonsense she became worse including physical violence so I had to distance myself. I'd tried for years to maintain a close relationship but it turned out to be an impossible waste of time. She wasn't happy unless she was putting me down.

It seems your Mum likes a reaction. Don't give her one. Your kids should be your primary focus, if she doesn't like that, you should just cut her off. Let her have her tantrum and don't contact her. Tell her straight. Don't even try to argue back or reason with her because it clearly doesn't work.

You don't need that kind of toxicity around your kids!

I'm grateful my mum would walk the Earth ten times over for me and her grandchildren so I find it hard to understand your situation. But I do know that if I had a mother who tried to control me, manipulate me and refused to accept my children then she'd be out the door in a heartbeat because my kids come before anyone and anything. And for me it's that simple.

Tell her how it is, if she doesn't like it, kick her to the kerb!

Ps. Saw a post above with the advice of keeping baby a full on secret. DO NOT do that. That's the worst advice I've ever heard. Your baby isn't a dirty little secret who should be hidden away. That advice has the potential to ruin not only the relationship with your mother, but your partner, your current children.. Not mentioning how the baby would feel about it when it grows up and finds out (because let's be honest, it would! Everything always comes out eventually).