35 and too scared to tell my mum I’m pregnant!!

[summerfruit28]

I expect I’m well in the minority here, but I am absolutely dreading telling my mum I’m pregnant. I think it goes back to when I disclosed my first pregnancy to her. I was 19 at the time so very young really. She was horrified, I’m her only child and she struggled bringing me up alone. She wanted more for me. Etc etc. We didn’t speak for several weeks, she implied an abortion would be in my best interests and explained in depth how sad and disappointed she was. I had three babies close together, she was fine with the subsequent two pregnancies. Their dad left. I’ve been a single parent (dad hasn’t had contact for about 10 years since meeting new GF and having two more kids with her) for about 11 years now. Hard but I’ve not known any different really and I’m proud of myself for getting through it. Fast forward to now, I’m 35 and in the most loving
relationship with a wonderful man who treats me like a princess and has taken my kids as his own. What makes the situation rather unconventional is that we don’t live together. In fact he’s 150 miles away. He’s lucky to be self employed and earns well, so he comes up to us most weekends and stays between 3-4 nights at a time. We also go to his in half terms. Obviously the plan is eventually for us to move down there but yes it’s likely I’ll be on my own with a 15, 14 and 12 yo AND a baby for a while until moving becomes a reality. I know it’s far from normal, please don’t judge. I’m prepared for this. Also, my mum has made it SO clear that she is done with grand parenting. She doesn’t want anymore, and she loves bringing up at every opportunity how I messed her life up by making her a grandmother so young. She didn’t have chance to live her life, she never got her empty nest or her life back, I’m selfish etc etc. I’m absolutely bricking it at the thought of telling her. Best case is she’s just a bit miffed, worst case is she hits the roof, tells me I’ve ruined her life all over again, and doesn’t speak to me for however long. I had a MMC earlier this year that she doesn’t know about, and this baby is so so wanted, at 35 it will be my last. I’m just so worried about the fallout. However I’m 16 weeks and won’t be able to hide it much longer.
All advice welcome xx

Honestly id be cutting contact with her.
She sounds toxic...
Tell her, but be prepared to cut her off. If she even mentions you ruining her life, with yet another grandchild, you simply tell her she needs not worry, as she wont be involved in any way.

I undertstand this isnt ideal, but I also dont understand how anyone can be "done" with grandparenting, and say their lives were ruined by being a grandmother early.

You are a grown adult. you can do this!

Hi @summerfruit28
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Xx
Honestly you're not alone, my Mum says all sorts to me, only the other day she was bringing up stuff from when i was a teenager 🙄 i'm in my 40's now!
You should defo be proud of yourself, you've bought up 3 kids on your own! Just tell your Mum about the pregnancy hun, it'll be fine, ignore any negative comments. Enjoy your pregnancy ❤ xx

Does she have to provide childcare or did have too?

Your mum sounds very self centred. How on earth can she say you messed up her life making her a grandparent so young and decide that you can’t have anymore children because she’s done with grand parenting. What a strange person. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion but I had my children young and hopefully when they are older and have children of their own I will still be young and fit enough to be able to play a fully active role in their lives. I see being a young grandparent a positive not a negative.
As for your living arrangements, no it’s not ideal but it is doable. Lots of people have children while their partners work away and that’s no different to what you’re going to do.
If your worried about your mum’s reaction I’d probably just send her a pic of your scan pic with something along the lines of “so excited for baby number 4…..don’t worry you won’t be expected to do any babysitting/grand parenting.”
Congratulations!!

What Grandmother doesn't want another Grandchild to love and adore.. my gosh she sounds toxic.. she should be so proud of you for bringing her 3 Grandkids up on your own. Be happy for you that you have found the love or your life and a man willing to be part of her Grandkids lived too.
I'm a Gran ..my daughter got pregnant at 20.. 22 and 23 and brought them up on her own when the Dad walked out when they were toddlers.. she's 38 now and if she was in your position I'd be over the moon.
Congratulations to you.. once you move.. you don't have to see her and you can live a very happy life ... she might then realise what she's lost.
Good luck.

How long have you been with your partner op?

Obviously the plan is eventually for us to move down there

you are planning on uprooting a 15, 14 and 12 year old to move 150 miles away to be with your partner?

and he can’t move to you because….

Did she have to do a lot of childcare for you when your first three were young, when you were 19 (and thereafter)?

Just reassure her that won't be the case now.

When you had your first you were very young, so did your mom help you a lot? Especially as you had three close together. I had my first in my teens and my mother figure (estranged from mom) was very involved and really threw herself into helping me. But I know this meant her own life had to go on hold to some degree and she sacrificed a lot to support me.

Saying that it was her choice. I'll always be grateful to her.

And she's never thrown it in my face

... because he's a man, and therefore more important.
Good point.

She is quite a complex personality. I should have added, she’s been a good grandmother. She’s provided childcare when I’m working, she’s adored them all. Now they are older their relationships with her can be quite frought. It’s almost like watching my childhood/adolescence with her all over again, and they are old enough to see her more unpleasant traits. So there is friction there now. But she’s been totally as involved as any other grandmother to her credit. For a little more context, she gets upset/offended VERY easily. She often thinks and tells me I’m selfish with lots of things (I certainly don’t ever mean to be and as I’ve gotten older and seen how her other relationships and friendships have evolved it can’t be true, because she falls out/cuts people out herself). There have been times we’ve not spoken for weeks or even months because she’s felt I guess neglected or not important. In fact she was very upset with baby #3 as I’d told a couple of friends before I’d told her. I have often thought about cutting her off as she’s been incredibly hurtful and manipulative at times although I don’t know if she does it on purpose. However she’s got no one else and she plans on moving to Norfolk with us when we make the move as we are all she has really apart from work keeping her here. It’s mad at 35 that I’m so worried but I still very much feel like disappointing only child who got knocked up at 19. She’s always had a way of making me feel stupid or wrong. We get on for the most part and when it’s good it’s very good. But it doesn’t take much for it to turn very bad. Thank you so much for your response x

I’d be interested in hearing your mum’s side of things to be honest, OP.

Certainly I wouldn’t be thrilled at the idea of my dd having a 4th child within a long distance relationship, whom she presumably hasn’t lived with “properly”, with 3 tween/teen kids already.

But you’re an adult, and you need to just own the decision to have another child.

Then don’t tell her. Wait for your pregnancy to show. When she asks, be honest, say you’re absolutely delighted, but know that she won’t be, and has said many times that she doesn’t want to be a grandmother again and have her life ruined again. Do you didn’t tell her because you didn’t know how!!

2 questions

how long have you been with him? (Honestly)

why are you uprooting three teens at very formative times of their education and lives generally?

It's easy to be delighted about being pregnant again when it is grandparents who have to keep on helping with childcare when people keep on having kids and then the grandparents are not allowed to comment or be unhappy with it

@Layinwait I would like for us to move there. He lives in a lovely part of the country, rural, close to the beach, more opportunities, less crime, less impoverished than where I am, a simpler life. There is nothing keeping me here. The kids have zero contact with their father, I have very little family apart from my mum and dad.

I had highlighted that part intending to comment on it but saw you said exactly what I would.

You're not alone.

I was worried about telling my MUM about my first pregnancy at 30. And she didn't disappoint - first words were "oh no, well that a bit of a disaster".

She had pretty much the same response to my subsequent two pregnancies. and was decidedly more pragmatic about the miscarriage I told her about, where she said "we'll never mind, another baby would have been difficult anyway" (that would have been baby number three). I didn't tell her about my second miscarriage.

Mums can be shit sometimes.

@Layinwait we have been together just over 2 years. You are very correct about my kids being in their formative years, hence the “eventual” move. Eldest is sitting GSCEs this year, so moving is not an option til at least after that. Ideally next summer. Middle one will be going into year 10, youngest into year 9. Minimal GCSE disruption as neither will have started.

Sorry OP I know this isn't the point of your thread but your comment about moving jumped out at me too. Maybe you don't feel like you have much to stay for in your current location but how do the kids feel - surely those ages are a very difficult time to move?

Congratulations first of all!! You and your partner seem really happy!!

I'm 41 and have been with my partner for 8 years this weekend.

I met him 2 years after fleeing into refuge with my kids who are now 19 and 14. He became their father and there has been ups and downs in their teens but no moreso than normal.

My mother isn't maternal and isn't really interested in her grandchildren, unless it suits her.

Sadly I found out last year I was pregnant but 2 days later went through a sudden traumatic early labour and our baby wasn't alive. So 2 days after showing her disappointment (via my sisters as I'm quite distanced from mum) she started to grieve (roll eyes)

It's very early but I've just found out I'm pregnant again.

My advice, keep her at arms length. Tell her YOUR exciting news and live YOUR life. It's far too short to have someone so selfish ruin good times for you.

Good luck 😘

(How many weeks are you, exciting times!) Xx

@piscesangel honestly it’s a mixed bag. Middle one is most reluctant, eldest doesn’t care, she hates her life, is under care of CAMHS and sees very little in her future sadly. Personally I think a move to a simpler, more affluent, rural lifestyle would be beneficial as where we are now isn’t exactly abound with opportunities for kids her age. Youngest can’t wait. There is very little keeping me here apart from mum and dad. Dad plans to retire abroad and mum intends on following me.

@Pocketfullofdogtreats there aww several reasons I’d like for us to move down there. None of them are to do with him being male, why would you think that?

she didn’t provide excessive childcare, but I suppose it depends what you define as such. She provided what she wanted to, she offered her help and I’ve rarely asked for extras as it’s not been needed unless for work purposes. Since she’s spent many years reminding me how i messed stuff up for her by having kids young, I rarely ask for favours as ive had it thrown back in my face too many times to count.

Op heat happened when you got pregnant the first time - you said she claims she never got an empty nest, never got her life back etc and you had three kids in quick succession? We're you loving with her for most of it? We're you relying heavily on here to keep you afloat?

You're an adult. Tell her and if she's rude, turn around and walk away.you don't have to listen to it