35 and too scared to tell my mum I’m pregnant!!

[summerfruit28]

I expect I’m well in the minority here, but I am absolutely dreading telling my mum I’m pregnant. I think it goes back to when I disclosed my first pregnancy to her. I was 19 at the time so very young really. She was horrified, I’m her only child and she struggled bringing me up alone. She wanted more for me. Etc etc. We didn’t speak for several weeks, she implied an abortion would be in my best interests and explained in depth how sad and disappointed she was. I had three babies close together, she was fine with the subsequent two pregnancies. Their dad left. I’ve been a single parent (dad hasn’t had contact for about 10 years since meeting new GF and having two more kids with her) for about 11 years now. Hard but I’ve not known any different really and I’m proud of myself for getting through it. Fast forward to now, I’m 35 and in the most loving
relationship with a wonderful man who treats me like a princess and has taken my kids as his own. What makes the situation rather unconventional is that we don’t live together. In fact he’s 150 miles away. He’s lucky to be self employed and earns well, so he comes up to us most weekends and stays between 3-4 nights at a time. We also go to his in half terms. Obviously the plan is eventually for us to move down there but yes it’s likely I’ll be on my own with a 15, 14 and 12 yo AND a baby for a while until moving becomes a reality. I know it’s far from normal, please don’t judge. I’m prepared for this. Also, my mum has made it SO clear that she is done with grand parenting. She doesn’t want anymore, and she loves bringing up at every opportunity how I messed her life up by making her a grandmother so young. She didn’t have chance to live her life, she never got her empty nest or her life back, I’m selfish etc etc. I’m absolutely bricking it at the thought of telling her. Best case is she’s just a bit miffed, worst case is she hits the roof, tells me I’ve ruined her life all over again, and doesn’t speak to me for however long. I had a MMC earlier this year that she doesn’t know about, and this baby is so so wanted, at 35 it will be my last. I’m just so worried about the fallout. However I’m 16 weeks and won’t be able to hide it much longer.
All advice welcome xx

I think that posters point was it always seems to be the women and children who bend to the wants of the man. Even when the relationship is fairly new, the women and children have the most to lose on this, and frankly, they've never actually lived together before.

Ok so you would like to move there

what about your three teens

How many times have your teens actially
mer this man given he lives 150 miles away and presumably they didn’t meet him until you were actually sure the relationship had legs ie less than 2 years ago

Does rural, coastal Norfolk have much to offer teens?

Well he’s been in their lives about 2 years. He didn’t meet them immediately but we fell for each other straight away really, it was unexpected and a huge leap of faith for someone like me who’s used to being on their own for so many years. They weren’t babies when he was introduced as my boyfriend, they were old enough to know what boyfriend meant. He’s been brilliant with them and supports me as a parent which is wonderful as it’s been hard on my own at times. So they see him as frequently as i do.

Nooo I moved out at 19 when I was pregnant, I worked full time as did their dad, she wasn’t relied upon financially and she chose to provide childcare alongside their other grandparents for when I worked. I asked for very little support and she doted on them because she chose to and I guess it’s hard not to when they are babies! She just really doesn’t want anymore, only a few weeks at her birthday meal she announced in front of friends and me and my partner how done she was with being a grandmother, and how f*ed off she’d be if I had another. That was awkward.

I think boyfriend issues aside, your DM doesn't really sound like a nice person to be around. For you or the dc.

Congratulations!

You need to set boundaries. You're happy, you're a grown up. Shut down any negativity straight away. Good luck.

Where we live currently, every shop is a takeaway, Turkish barber or nail bar. There are burglaries and car thefts pretty much daily. High profile murders of women and children. Drug deals in broad daylight. There’s no Saturday jobs, no open spaces that aren’t full of yobs on crossers or quad bikes. Sirens up and down my road most days. It’s not the worst place in the country but his is far more favourable, lots of jobs about for youngsters esp in tourism / seasonal sectors. It’s lovely where he lives, I know lots of people who holiday on the broads. I didn’t know what the fuss was about until we’d spent time down there ourselves. I’m aware no where is perfect but given the choice between here and there it would be a no brainer for most people.

What about your job op?

and this man is really happy to take on 3 teenagers, one of whom is indeed CAHMs

Does he have children?

Yes he is. Why is this relevant? My post was about being nervous about telling my mum I’m pregnant because she has a long history of making me feel like crap about many things over the last 30+ years, previous pregnancies being one of them. You haven’t been very helpful so far.

I know this is not what you asked however....

Have you been on holiday as a 5? Got 2 weeks? Have you lived the mundane stuff together?

If all 3 kids are up for it great.

There was a thread a few weeks ago where one child wanted to move and the other wasn't so sure.

I was the same age as you and terrified to tell my mum that I was pregnant by my then boyfriend after my marriage broke up. I had DC similar ages to yours.

I ended up telling her on the phone as I couldn't face telling her in person. She sort of sniffed and then said that despite her disappointment, I wasn't to abort her grandchild. I was stunned. However she never really bonded with my DD. She was just beginning to warm to her when DD was three and then DM suddenly died, so I don't know how the relationship would have been.

Just do it. The baby is on its way and the longer you put it off, the harder it will be. BTW I think your partner sounds lovely.

And does he have children?
it is relevant OP

why? Because the background may, just may, explain why your DM may be less than celebratory about the news.

The issue you've asked about is telling your mum - I can see why you are dreading it!

I think you need to plan out the conversation, including her responses.

I'd do it on the phone, and set a limit, time-wise. Tell her factually, limit the chance for her to give you her opinion. Accept she may say something upsetting but try to ignore it. You're an adult & this is a choice you've made.

All that said, the question you didn't ask is around the wider relationship! It sounds happy & positive - which is great. However, it also sounds challenging - you've got 3 kids you are raising single-handedly, one with complex needs. Your DP is not around (so not there to support you with the baby). And you have a plan for a big move with your DC. It's a lot!

I hope it all works out but it would be good to check where you can get support, what would happen if the move doesn't work out or the relationship doesn't. Not that it will, but to make sure if the worst happens you can manage.

Your DM doesn't sound very nice. However, I wouldn't be delighted by my 19 yo DD announcing a pregnancy either, much less having 2 more in quick succession. And it sounds like she did support you, after her initial reaction (which is what I'd hope I'd do too)

Good luck!

She has been very supportive. I think most grandparents are, unless they are absent for whatever reason. However I’ve made a point especially over the last 10 years or so of not asking unless it’s a work related child care issue, as she’s made it clear how fed up she was with me having children young. She brings it up publicly on a regular basis, most recently just a few weeks ago. She hasn’t hated being a grandma at all, just resented me for bringing grandchildren into her life earlier than expected.

i have raised my kids single-handedly for 10 years yes, my eldest has poor mental health yes, but this isn’t particularly unusual in this day and age unfortunately. I know a newborn will be difficult but thankfully the other three are all fairly independent and becoming self sufficient now.

So far the plan is for him to cram in as much work as possible and be here as much as he can in the early weeks. He is truly an amazing person, I don’t know how I got so lucky really. The move is on the back burner, plenty to consider and plan before it becomes imminent.

Me and my mum have a volatile relationship. When it’s good it’s fine but it takes very little for her to switch and cut me off for weeks at a time. Which is why I’m so apprehensive about telling her. She’s big on gas lighting and guilt tripping, ever since I was young, and although I’m used to it it is very draining. And she suffers. She doesn’t have anyone else really and if I f* up it’s all on me to make it right as I know she always has to have the last word, and meanwhile she’s upset herself.

@Enforceddrysummer thank you, it’s nice to hear from someone who was in a similar position. I’m sorry you never got to see how the relationship would unfold, maybe it would have surprised you. My fella is lovely. I can’t believe it really, he just walked into their lives and is so open and warm and generous and honest that they took to him straight away, and him to them, and nothing about it seemed forced. I don’t think we’d have made it two years of him making a 300 mile round trip most Fridays if he didn’t actually like us that much haha. It’s been a lot of effort on his part!

I think you have an extremely naive view of the “opportunities” a rural area brings for teenagers.

I also think that our fears and assumptions about other people’s reactions often tell us more about our own fears. Maybe deep down you know this isn’t a great situation either?

@Sleepygrumpyandnothappy to be honest the last 10 years have showed me what I’m capable off so no I’m not particularly concerned about it being an unconventional situation. I’m thrilled and can’t wait for the adventure to begin. After a miscarriage earlier this year I’ve never wanted anything so much as I want this baby. My issues with my mum stem from a lifetime of being told how selfish, ungrateful, disappointing and stupid I am. Being told im wrong about everything, that i put words in her mouth and have brought her nothing much other than heartache at times. Perhaps I am naive but I can tell you there’s more for my kids down there than there is here. Good colleges, seasonal/touristy work, more businesses and leisure facilities, something we don’t have round here.

That sounds pretty awful OP, trying to deal with the volatility of your mum.

Fair play to you, you sound very calm
& prepared for having a new addition to the family. I hope it all works out well.

My god. People are wild on here! You came on asking for advice on telling your mum, not a critique of your relationship 🙄 I’m sorry people are so rude.. Also I don’t understand why anyone would wanna live in an area you’ve described over the place you plan on moving to.

Congrats on your pregnancy OP. With regards to telling your mum I think you just need to bite the bullet and do it. You know she’s not going to have a positive reaction so just prepare yourself. But if you and your partner are happy that’s all that matters!

@noaddedsugarx i know tell me about it! Some right party poopers eh.

Thanks. We are both over the moon, I’m older, wiser, with a lot more life experience under my belt. Christ if I’ve managed the last 10 years on my own with no other parental support and the bare minimum from my own parents and come out the other end I’m sure I can manage a few days at a time on my own. I’m under no illusion, I know it will be hard, I remember from before… my kids’ dad worked late and slept in late leaving me with two toddlers and a baby, this time it’s three teenagers and just the one baby, it’ll be a different kettle of fish. Not forgetting the thousands of parents where the dad is away for months at a time, or the mums who get pregnant outside of relationships. You’d think I’m the first to ever break the mould going on some of the comments.

The issue with my mum is separate. It’s a life long engrained complex which has left me insecure and anxious and fearful of disappointing her as a result of how she’s made me feel not just about getting pregnant young, but lots of things. We don’t have the standard mum-daughter relationship clearly and she reminds me several times a year how f*ed off she’ll be with another baby. No wonder I’m nervous about it.

i am going to have to do it soon, I’m desperate to tell my kids especially my son who has been asking for a baby brother or sister for AGES now. Plus I don’t know how much longer I can pass off my growing bump as weight gain, it’s becoming more obvious by the day!

Thanks so much for your support x

@noaddedsugarx

does it occur to you that the relationship may be precisely why the DM won’t be celebrating the pregnancy news

Some right party poopers eh.

party poopers? Or wondering how your three teenagers are going to fare moving in with their mum’s long distance boyfriend of barely 2 years.