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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pressure to terminate - unbiased advice needed

68 replies

Latte88 · 14/08/2023 09:30

the basics - just found out I’m pregnant, unplanned and have a complicated relationship with my partner. I have 2 children from a prev. Marriage so this would be my 3rd.

Although initially a shock, I was happy. My partner is 5 years younger than me and has no children. After many conversations he has made it clear I’ll be doing this alone, and he has no intention of staying together with me if I ‘ruin his life’ but if I terminate he will. I know, lucky me.

I’ve spoke with friends and family and it’s been a mixed reaction. A lot of the negative is due to how my partner is reacting, as well as worry if I’ll manage a baby as well as my other 2 children doing this alone.

I felt really positive a few days ago but took a few more hits of people telling me this is a bad idea, that I’m going to neglect my 2 other children, I’m being selfish and that they won’t support or help me with the new baby. Now I’m questioning everything.

I guess I wanted some unbiased opinions on the situation. Yes terminating, making this all go away, would make life ‘easier’ for everyone involved but I don’t think going ahead would be a mistake. Definitely hard but not as negative as people are making it seem. Or maybe I am deluded?

all opinions welcomed :-)

OP posts:

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 14/08/2023 09:34

The only opinion here that matters is yours.

Your relationship is over anyway. He’s leaving if you have the baby, you sound like you won’t forgive him if you terminate. So ignore him.

Do you, in your heart of hearts, want to have the baby?

Laurabeee · 14/08/2023 09:41

I’m sorry to hear you are such a difficult situation. I don’t think that sort of ultimatum is at all fair and he should be considering your feelings as well as his own. it sounds very much that it his way or nothing which isn’t how good relationships work and that would make me doubt the long term future of that relationship.

I don’t think anyone can tell you what is best as there is no right answer. You can only make the best decision for yourself and children in the here and now. I hope that over the coming days your thoughts become clear and you make the decision that feels right to you. Xx

38andtrying · 14/08/2023 09:42

firstly, he isn't your "partner", far from it, he is thinking about himself only, he sounds like a manipulator, giving you an ultimatum. Either way personally for me that relationship would be over.

do you feel you could do this on your own? do you need others help and support? the fundamental question is, do you want to keep the baby? if so it is your choice and do not let anyone else influence your decision that you could absolutely come to regret and resent them for.

Trinity69 · 14/08/2023 09:42

There’s no right answer, only you can make this decision. However, whatever you do, he needs to go.

Laurabeee · 14/08/2023 09:43

Oh and I’m quite sure you won’t neglect your other children! That is a very unfair thing to say. You are not deluded.

It would be hard but it’s not for other people to pass comment as I imagine they haven’t been in the same situation.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 14/08/2023 09:44

Abortion has it's place... Not a place dictated to by a man child who should have used a condom...
End the relationship and keep the dc imo. He also doesn't get to opt of financial support...

Hoppinggreen · 14/08/2023 09:45

It’s really hard for a complete stranger to have a view on this.
Based purely on the information here in your place I would terminate- but I am not in your place

rumnraisinrocks · 14/08/2023 09:48

What I would do or think you should do is irrelevant.
The only thing that matters is
1 do you want the baby
2 can you manage alone without any support at all (assuming worst case that you end up with no family supportl
3 how will this impact on your other 2 children

Only you know the answers to these quesrions

Dogsitterwoes · 14/08/2023 09:49

Your relationship is clearly over either way - what a scumbag he is.

Saying a third child will mean you neglect the first two is awful, I'm sorry you have had to hear that and find out people won't support you. I suspect this is inevitably going to change your relationship with those people.

Ignore others opinions. What do you want? Are the practicalities of three children as a single mum doable?

Daniki · 14/08/2023 09:52

Don't listen to anyone else, but yourself. You were feeling positive a few days ago, hold on to that that was your gut reaction. At the end of the day, do YOU want to keep the baby?

Your "friends" etc sound as bad as your partner tbh, I wouldn't think I'd call them friends if they wouldn't support or help you out when the baby comes. 😣

Wozzzzzaa · 14/08/2023 09:52

I agree with other posters that your relationship is over regardless. The bit about neglecting your other 2 kids is bullshit, like you have said, yes it will be hard but not unmanageable. If you feel that you are financially and emotionally in a position to support this pregnancy, and you want to do so then go ahead. The only opinion that matters is yours.

Acornsoup · 14/08/2023 09:53

Keep the baby and boot the man.

Cropout · 14/08/2023 09:55

I take it you will be ending the relationship either way?
so it’s really down to whether you want another baby and whether you think you will manage 3 children as a single mum.

Nochoiceleft · 14/08/2023 09:55

These are your friends and family. Are they just panicking and worrying for you or are they raising legitimate points? Only you can answer this and the decision is yours alone.
This relationship is dead in the water whichever way you decide.

JaukiVexnoydi · 14/08/2023 09:57

You should end the relationship whether or not you decide to continue with the pregnancy. A man who gives you an ultimatum like thar is not a keeper, he will destroy your life sooner or later with thar selfishness, so get out of there asap.

You need to prioritise the needs of your existing children. They will be much better off with you as a single mum than with a step dad of such a nasty kind (I'm sure he's been nice to them so far - this is the first time he has been given an opportunity to show his true colours) so leaving is the right choice for them. If continuing with the pregnancy as a single mother would plunge your existing children into poverty and hardship then I would seriously consider a termination - although if the mental and emotional fallout from an abortion would damage you then that damage will also affect them, so your own feelings are also important and shouldn't be ignored. If you want a 3rd child and can earn enough solo to keep 3 children above the poverty line then go for it.

SmileyClare · 14/08/2023 09:58

More context needed if you do honestly want opinions, rather than reassurance.

What is your relationship with the father? Why “complicated”? Married? A fwb? How long have you known him?

Do you lean on family for support with your 2 dc? How old are they? Can you financially support 3 dc? Is that the reason for them being “negative”?

Abortion clinics will provide a counselling session before you make a final choice. You might benefit from talking to someone impartial.

Careerdilemma · 14/08/2023 09:59

Assuming you are able to care for and support a third then go for it if that is what you want. Can you manage a third financially?

He is clearly a manipulative idiot who needs dumping immediately.

Betteroutdoors · 14/08/2023 10:00

I have personally had a termination in circumstances where others may have chosen to go ahead with the pregnancy. I don't regret this, beyond fleeting rose tinted thoughts occasionally. Yes, I am sad about it, and I wish it hadn't happened, but its more that I wish I hadn't found myself in the position to have to make a difficult decision.

However, from what you have written, that isn't how you are feeling.

This can only be your decision. But it might be a good idea to give BPAS a call. They can offer unbiased and supportive counselling. They talk about it being open to "clients" but you might find that your local health organisation has a contract with them and hence you could be a "client". I think Marie Stopes offer similar services too depending on where you live.

Either way, take very good care of yourself xx

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 14/08/2023 10:01

Pregnancy is such a hormone filled time. If it were me, I would look at pros and cons and ask myself the following:

can I afford another baby. Can I afford childcare while I work for that baby and maternity.
practically do I have the time and support to care for another baby. Personally I don't think I could do it alone (I'm pregnant with my second and work full time) but those are my circumstances and you might be better able to cope. Can you afford paid for support?
can I have this baby without it negatively impacting on my current children's lives - both financially and practically. This would be key for me- I would want my existing children to have all of the opportunities possible and wouldn't do anything that would disadvantage them in any way.

It's such a tough decision. As others have said, your relationship is over either way so don't let his thoughts away you at all, and do what's best for your family. Good luck

HoppingPavlova · 14/08/2023 10:03

As others have said, your relationship is over either way so take that aspect of the table in decision making.

It then comes down to whether you can do it by yourself without support. You can’t expect the gap of partner to be filled by anyone else. If you can do that, then ask, will your current kids be adversely affected physically, emotionally or financially. If the answer to that is also no then there would seem to be little/no obstacle. Pretty much a decision making tree is required.

DappledOliveGroves · 14/08/2023 10:14

The relationship is clearly dead in the water regardless, so I wouldn't think that's a consideration at this point.

Certainly it's your choice to weigh the pros and cons of whether to continue with the pregnancy. I had a similar situation when I got pregnant at 18. The father wanted nothing to do with us, so I took the decision to have my baby on my own. That baby is now 22. One thing that I never really considered the impact of, was how the child feels growing up to know that their father wanted nothing to do with them. However much you can reassure them that it's not about them, but about the useless father, it's something that has always nagged at her and continues to have an impact. I mean, she realises now that her father is a complete wanker, and can shrug it off, but it does cause life-long hurt.

GoldenSpangles · 14/08/2023 10:15

I wouldn't be having a baby where the father didn't want it and had no intention of being any help whatsoever. He'll be off enjoying himself while you'll be up doing the night feeds, changing nappies and everything else as well as looking after your other two children and you'll look and feel shattered. Not to mention that he's a pretty poor specimen with DNA to match.

Dotcheck · 14/08/2023 10:16

rumnraisinrocks · 14/08/2023 09:48

Only you know the answers to these quesrions

⬆️⬆️

But either way, the guy needs to be ditched

SmileyClare · 14/08/2023 10:30

I think it’s important to not only consider the impact another child will have on your existing family,
but also consider the emotional impact on a person growing up knowing their father didn’t want them and has no interest in being their father.

forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 10:40

This reply has been deleted

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