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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Pressure to terminate - unbiased advice needed

68 replies

Latte88 · 14/08/2023 09:30

the basics - just found out I’m pregnant, unplanned and have a complicated relationship with my partner. I have 2 children from a prev. Marriage so this would be my 3rd.

Although initially a shock, I was happy. My partner is 5 years younger than me and has no children. After many conversations he has made it clear I’ll be doing this alone, and he has no intention of staying together with me if I ‘ruin his life’ but if I terminate he will. I know, lucky me.

I’ve spoke with friends and family and it’s been a mixed reaction. A lot of the negative is due to how my partner is reacting, as well as worry if I’ll manage a baby as well as my other 2 children doing this alone.

I felt really positive a few days ago but took a few more hits of people telling me this is a bad idea, that I’m going to neglect my 2 other children, I’m being selfish and that they won’t support or help me with the new baby. Now I’m questioning everything.

I guess I wanted some unbiased opinions on the situation. Yes terminating, making this all go away, would make life ‘easier’ for everyone involved but I don’t think going ahead would be a mistake. Definitely hard but not as negative as people are making it seem. Or maybe I am deluded?

all opinions welcomed :-)

OP posts:

forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 10:42

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forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 10:44

SmileyClare · 14/08/2023 10:30

I think it’s important to not only consider the impact another child will have on your existing family,
but also consider the emotional impact on a person growing up knowing their father didn’t want them and has no interest in being their father.

That child will be taught what's right and wrong. Don't stick your penis in a vagina unless you want to become a father.

The mother and her family will give the new baby all the support.

Just because the father decided to shy away, doesn't mean children are worthless and they will automatically be sad over their fathers actions. The baby is wanted by the mother and siblings.

There is no guarantee that parents and children will get on. So the father walking away is nothing.

forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 10:45

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Nochoiceleft · 14/08/2023 10:50

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What exactly are you saying here?

Hoppinggreen · 14/08/2023 10:51

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Having a termination is not Evil

JaukiVexnoydi · 14/08/2023 10:53

Having a termination is not evil.
Pressuring a partner to have a termination against her will because a baby would "ruin his life" is evil.

TenderDandelions · 14/08/2023 10:54

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 14/08/2023 09:34

The only opinion here that matters is yours.

Your relationship is over anyway. He’s leaving if you have the baby, you sound like you won’t forgive him if you terminate. So ignore him.

Do you, in your heart of hearts, want to have the baby?

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Imagine life with the baby and the life without the baby. Is there one scenario that you dread?

What will you regret doing most?

Clucket87 · 14/08/2023 10:55

Firstly, are you okay?

You are in a horrible position and it is easy for us all to focus on the dickwad in your life, but how are you doing?

Regarding that fine specimen of excrement, I think you need to ask yourself a couple of questions

were you happy with him before this all happened?
as much as I don't want to defend him, could the ultimatum be a stress reaction?
how do you feel about the prospect of the relationship ending, whether it is due to you keeping the baby or because he should never have put you in a position that you have had to choose between him or your child.
what do you think the impact on your children would be.

Regardless if it was me I would be running a million miles away because he clearly isn't mature enough to have sex, and you can't rely on him. I'm sure his parents are so proud of him!

Regarding your children, how dare people say that you will neglect them. They have no idea as to how a 3rd child will impact your life or what impact, positive and negative, it could have in your family.

There is 7 years between my brother and I and we get on better than I do with my sister who is 2 years younger than me.

Do what your gut tells you is right. Either choice will be hard with the what ifs. But ultimately you will figure out what you want to do. And I sincerely hope that whatever choice you make, you have an incredibly happy and healthy life for both yourself and your children. Xx

Haretest · 14/08/2023 10:56

Firstly your relationship is over regardless, I hope you know that.

Secondly it is a personal choice, though I am curious about why others thing having this baby would be bad for you and your other children. Can you afford a third child? Would you be able to work and provide for the children if you had to be a single parent to a baby? Would your existing children be happy with a sibling? Do you have room for a third?

forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 10:58

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ThePaperTrail · 14/08/2023 10:59

You don't sound as though you want an abortion, to be honest. It sounds like a case of 'head vs heart's and your heart is saying that you want the baby.

forgetmenottt · 14/08/2023 10:59

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HowcanIhelp123 · 14/08/2023 10:59

Ditch the manchild. Your relationship is over anyway. He doesn't want the baby, and you'll never forgive him if you terminate because he pressured you.

Break up with him, tell him it's over and tell him you'll let him know when you decide if you're keeping the baby or not but his behaviour over the whole thing has been awful and you're done with him either way.

Then let the dust settle and decide if you want to add your third. You can do it, many people do. Question is whether you want to. Make the choice for you as you're the one living with it and leave out everyone elses opinion that have nothing to do with it. You do need to take into account practical things if you were planning on relying on people for childcare for example, you'll need to come up with an alternative, but unless you were relying on them for help or support in some way with money, childcare etc they can keep their noses out.

hamstersarse · 14/08/2023 11:01

You've had some really good responses on here and I hope you can make your own judgement on what is right for you and your family.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is the number and types of conversations you have had with this man. I realise what he has said is pretty vile and awful but there are occasions when these men just react out of fear, and actually when you start to break that down, and talk through how it might work, then the fear starts to go and things shift a bit. I don't want to be overly optimistic here, I am not excusing him, but I have known multiple men whose first reactions were similar and based on abject fear, who have turned out to be good fathers.

Again, not excusing him, but it sounds like you want to make a mindful decision and it is certainly an avenue to exhaust - is he actual dick or is he fearfully reacting?

SmileyClare · 14/08/2023 11:02

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Your comments have no place on a thread written by a woman who is considering a termination and has every right to autonomy over her own body.

She asked for unbiased advice- not to be told what to do by an internet stranger.

Haretest · 14/08/2023 11:03

I've reported forgetmenot's awful posts, just FYI OP. Please don't let them upset you.

CurlewKate · 14/08/2023 11:04

If you want my immediate, unfiltered opinion, I think you should terminate- and dump him.

TossacointoHenryCavill · 14/08/2023 11:11

Dump the partner. Either he’l leave or you’ll hate him for pressuring you into a termination/ not wanting your shared child. Then, assuming you’re fairly early on, give yourself a week to just sit with it. Let yourself imagine both scenarios playing out, imagine most positive and negative reactions from your 2 older kids if you keep the baby. Then make your decision.

Greenfishy · 14/08/2023 11:12

I mean obviously he’s a complete tool and you need to LTB whatever you decide.

I would be worried in your position that friends and family have also outright said they will not support you. Do you have other people that will? Otherwise yes it will be very hard and of course it will affect your other children. The question is how much and how negatively. There is a reason why ‘continuing with the pregnancy would have a negative effect on existing children’ is one of the reasons that can be stated for having a termination.

On the other hand you know what you are letting yourself in for having a baby as you’ve already had two, so you have the information you need. And I can completely understand what an awful decision it must be. Only you can weigh up all the pros and cons and make the best one.

Seryse · 14/08/2023 11:12

@forgetmenottt What kind of absolute dickhead thing is that to say on a thread of this nature, very inconsiderate and frankly, vile . You're entitled to your opinion but you don't have to be a heartless dick and spout it on a thread like this, seriously thats horrible.

LakeTiticaca · 14/08/2023 11:15

Tbh, and based on experience, I would terminate. Single parenthood is tough and adding on another one just makes it so much harder. It also ties you for many years to an arsehole of a man, he has stated he doesn't wish to participate but he will be required to support the child, which brings with it a whole other set of dramas.

Octosaurus · 14/08/2023 11:17

If he really didn't want kids that much he should have used protection? It shouldn't be uk to you to have an awful procedure when you don't fully want it. If you want to keep the baby then keep it and let him go he sounds like a selfish a hole

MontblancTheSecond · 14/08/2023 11:21

As PP stated, I’d consider the impact on the baby as well. And if you have the baby of your ‘partner’ you will never really be free of him. Even if he doesn’t want to be involved, the child will ask questions, want to know him, and you might even want child support from him.

BreatheAndFocus · 14/08/2023 11:33

Hi OP. Ignore this man. He’s an idiot and cruel. Forget him and his opinion totally. I agree that it sounds like you want the baby but feel that your feelings are wrong and are letting others influence you. You said you felt positive until some people made negative comments.

I was in pretty much the same situation as you (2 children then got pregnant with a new partner who was/is a prize ). I had the baby and I don’t regret it one bit. It wasn’t hard, any more than babies are hard anyway, if you get what I’m saying. In fact, I had more patience as I was that little bit older.

My advice is to only think about what you want. Not what other people say. They’re in a different situation than you and, frankly, some will simply be jealous or scare-mongering. Don’t think about what you should do, according to logic or others, think about what you want to do.

If you want this baby (and it sounds like you do), ditch your useless, unkind partner, keep the baby and live your life for you and your children, making the choices you want.

BreatheAndFocus · 14/08/2023 11:35

NB - prize should be prize t%%t but my asterisks disappeared.

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