Pressure to terminate - unbiased advice needed

[Latte88]

the basics - just found out I’m pregnant, unplanned and have a complicated relationship with my partner. I have 2 children from a prev. Marriage so this would be my 3rd.

Although initially a shock, I was happy. My partner is 5 years younger than me and has no children. After many conversations he has made it clear I’ll be doing this alone, and he has no intention of staying together with me if I ‘ruin his life’ but if I terminate he will. I know, lucky me.

I’ve spoke with friends and family and it’s been a mixed reaction. A lot of the negative is due to how my partner is reacting, as well as worry if I’ll manage a baby as well as my other 2 children doing this alone.

I felt really positive a few days ago but took a few more hits of people telling me this is a bad idea, that I’m going to neglect my 2 other children, I’m being selfish and that they won’t support or help me with the new baby. Now I’m questioning everything.

I guess I wanted some unbiased opinions on the situation. Yes terminating, making this all go away, would make life ‘easier’ for everyone involved but I don’t think going ahead would be a mistake. Definitely hard but not as negative as people are making it seem. Or maybe I am deluded?

all opinions welcomed :-)

First, split with the partner. He's not fit to be with you.

Then, review. What do you want? You won't neglect your older children because you have another, any more than other mothers do. But, having this baby will probably mean eighteen years of chasing the dad for money and contact, which won't be fun.

You'll be doing the work, so make the decision based on what's good for you, not anyone else.

Please don't let other people influence you. Of course you won't neglect your other children, and as a mum already you presumably have a realistic view of what having a new baby entails.

What I will say is that you should end this "relationship" and, in terms of your decision-making, assume that this man will have no involvement and is likely to do whatever he can to avoid paying you anything.

Do you mean 'twat'?

What a difficult decision OP.

From your children's pov: arguably, they'll be negatively impacted by having a tired, less available mum while your new baby is tiny. And presumably there will be less money to go around. To a lesser extent this will be the case for all older siblings, whatever their circumstances however. They'll also hopefully benefit for the rest of their lives from having another sibling. Obviously you know this.

Your new baby might have a difficult or almost non-existent relationship with their father. Obviously that isn't ideal. However, your boyfriend doesn't necessarily know how he'll feel when the baby arrives. There is a chance he might surprise himself by how he feels if he has contact with his child.

I can't see how it won't be anything but hard going for you for a long while to come. On the other hand, some women seem to manage really well. Some women do seem to find the baby and young children stage easier/more enjoyable/ more manageable than other women. Maybe you're one of those women? Do you have good support from parents/friends etc?

If you're happy to be pregnant then keep going OP, please.

You will regret it if you have an abortion as you want the baby.

No one else's opinion matters, only your mental health and having the child you're attached to.

People's concerns would only be valid if you yourself were genuinely completely and utterly incapable of looking after a child, which you're not- you seem like you could handle it. Many women do it.

Your partner might well come round to the idea too, either while you're pregnant or after. If he's a decent guy he wouldn't make a kid feel unwanted.

Why is this man not an ex partner?

Are you seriously considering continuing with the relationship if you have a termination?

He's horrible.

I suspect your answer will become much clearer once he's out of the equation.

You need to focus on whether you want another baby. I think having a termination when you don't want one and your partner does will cause all kinds of problems.

Personally, he has shown who he cares most about in this situation being himself. Do what feels right for you, as you can’t think about him now the relationship is over if he can’t stand by you either way whatever you choose to do and you shouldn’t be pressured into doing anything either way.

You have to think about deep down what you would be happiest doing, have you thought about it you want to keep the baby- are your family on board? Just thinking if you have help then it wouldn’t be a juggle on your own with the 3 children xx

Thank you to anyone who has commented. As I said, I wanted any and all opinions and I knew the topic and situation would bring a range of them.

I’ve found the majority really helpful, either by the advice given or other things to take into account and consider.

Just to mention, I do have a good job and the finances to afford and support another child. I have a big enough home, my own, and I do have supportive friends. I have a great family although they are currently in shock and overwhelmed at the moment due to the circumstances.

Also, to the many peoples relief, I’m not with the father anymore. I should have probably made that clearer than say partner. I know that relationship regardless of my decision is over. This is not something I’m sad over. I’m only disheartened that it is unfair on the child.

Again, thank you for helping the overwhelming fog over me seem a little clearer. I know I have a lot to figure out. X

You have to choose the path that you can bare. It's not up to anyone else. The idiot needs to go (it takes two to get pregnant so holding it above your head like that is just wrong). There is a lot to think about but only you will know what you can live with. For some women terminations are absolutely the best option - I am pro-choice and will support anyone who makes that decision but I also think many people dont seem to acknowledge that some women very, very much do regret their terminations. And for those women it can be extremely difficult to find support because very few people seem to understand that pain, or sympathise with it, it's also a very taboo subject still and so if you are not 100% certain that it's the right decision then you are right not to be jumping straight into it.

Nobody should be guilting you, and nobody should be making that decision for you. It can be done - it won't be easy but it's not impossible. People do make it work. The wonderful thing about this country is that you DO have a choice but it is yours and yours alone to make. Nobody can tell you what to do, they might tell you what they would do - but they are not you and they don't know your mind. If you ring the abortion clinics they have unbiased councillors who you can talk to on the phone and sometimes it's easier to have a conversation like that, they won't tell you what to do and they don't judge, it might help.

Whatever decision you make, I hope everything goes well for you.

@Latte88 I think following your update, I'd be inclined to continue with the pregnancy if I wanted to.

You've got the finances and good job to support another, and possibly to afford extra help and support if needed. You have a big enough home. Your current children won't be adversely affected. I think friends and family will come around - they're probably just concerned for you.

I'm just a stranger on the Internet, but from one woman to another I want to say well done for ending this relationship and knowing you are worth so much more than being with a man who treats you like he did.
Now onto the baby - it has to be your choice. There's no right or wrong answer here, only the only that is right for you and your family. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you well.

@Latte88 I agree with the other poster that following your update, I would keep it I think in those circumstances, if that’s what you want. It sounds like your family will come round and you say you have supportive friends. Also if you are financially secure you can buy in a bit of help to make things easier. Good luck and I wish you well whatever you decide.

@Latte88 good on you for leaving him and knowing your worth. If i was in your position I'd keep it as you have the resources. Good luck with your decision ❤️

I know how often I’ve read through an old feed like this and wondered what the outcome was. I did continue with the pregnancy and my son was born earlier this year :)

My ex continued to ask throughout pregnancy for me to get a termination (received texts at 32wks reminding me it was a better choice) and yet he still turned up at the hospital on the day he was born to do a complete u-turn and want to be involved. The first few months of dealing with this plus a baby and hormones was FUN.

My little one was the best decision I ever made, and all the people who questioned my choice to continue with the pregnancy have very much apologised and want to be part of my son’s life. It was a hard pregnancy, not physically but mentally. I did feel like I spent a lot of it trying to convince others it was going to be ok and a good decision, rather than focusing on me and my baby. I do have such a strong bond with him however due to it feeling like it was me and him against the world for such a long time!

Overall, I’m glad I made the right choice for me and stuck by my principles.

That’s absolutely lovely news OP ,enjoy your life with your baby.My daughter made the same choice as you and daughter and grandchild are happy thriving beautiful people. Daughter has improved her life,taking a degree and now has a job enriching other children’s lives .Xx

So pleased to hear your update, wonderful news about baby.

Unbelievable about ex saying to get to get a termination at 32 weeks! What on earth! You are well rid of him.