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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband drunk when I’m 38 weeks and asked him not to drink!

63 replies

Xcv · 05/08/2023 23:33

Just want to get this off my chest more than anything! My husband had asked to play in a golf final today with a group from work. It’s an annual work’s day out. I had said yes of course but had asked him to stay sober as I would have no other way to get to hospital should anything happen this weekend and we have no childcare. I thought this was a fair compromise for a full day out (12 hours+) when I’m at home running after our young child all day, heavily pregnant, finding it difficult to even walk at this point 😬

We don’t have any family locally, my mum is about to arrive on Monday to be able to look after our child and she’ll stay with us until the baby is born (due to arrive by induction on Wednesday/Thursday).

Ive had a message to say they are staying out after the golf so he won’t be back until late. I can only imagine the state he is going to come home in. I’m not one to ever moan about this stuff but was I really asking too much for him to just go and not drink or have literally one or two beers throughout the day? When some of us have been sober since November!!! 😵‍💫

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 05/08/2023 23:38

Oh no, sorry you're now having this nonsense. Perfectly reasonable to tell him to make way home as you are now feeling anxious about your arrangements. His child too, a night out is fine but not getting pissed and fecking around your plans and feelings. You must be pissed off but try to be calm, tell him you expect him to be supporting you and go to bed. Leave a note pointing to couch and tell him tmo how let down and worried you felt. Good luck

Original poster
Xcv · 05/08/2023 23:41

@PTSDBarbiegirl thanks, glad it’s not just me! I think his view tomorrow will be that all is fine since I didn’t go into labour today but that’s not the point. It’s the level of sacrifice one of us is going to here while the other one is just out enjoying themselves and agreeing to do something then doing the opposite 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 05/08/2023 23:41

I would reply - ok hun, just on way to hospital

Obviously not a good approach and he has probably had a good time - but dont bother saying anything until he has sobered up and you need to keep calm. He got carried away with the events and talking to him now is pointless
I totally get where you are coming from.

Ask the right question- what would you have done if I had gone into labour?

Original poster
Xcv · 05/08/2023 23:44

@Restinggoddess haha good idea 😂 this is very true. Would it really be worth missing the birth of your child because you were too drunk for the sake of not being able to stop yourself?! It’s so selfish

OP posts:
EmilyBrontesGhost · 05/08/2023 23:45

He clearly doesn't care about you OP.

So sorry x

SemperIdem · 05/08/2023 23:49

He’s been an thoughtless arse and I completely understand your frustration. I don’t agree that he doesn’t care about you, as per the thoroughly unhelpful poster above.

When he is home and sober, be very clear with how disappointed you are that he chose to stay out and get drunk.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 05/08/2023 23:51

SemperIdem · 05/08/2023 23:49

He’s been an thoughtless arse and I completely understand your frustration. I don’t agree that he doesn’t care about you, as per the thoroughly unhelpful poster above.

When he is home and sober, be very clear with how disappointed you are that he chose to stay out and get drunk.

Is he behaving like he cares?

Answer honestly.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 05/08/2023 23:52

Xcv · 05/08/2023 23:41

@PTSDBarbiegirl thanks, glad it’s not just me! I think his view tomorrow will be that all is fine since I didn’t go into labour today but that’s not the point. It’s the level of sacrifice one of us is going to here while the other one is just out enjoying themselves and agreeing to do something then doing the opposite 🤦🏻‍♀️

You're not wrong!
If this is your first child make clear with your actions what your expectations & boundaries are so you are both able to enjoy the baby while having your mental health. No point in him thinking it's time for more golf/football/whatever days, sure that reality will sink in when he sobers up.

pregnancyrollercoaster · 05/08/2023 23:53

OP sending you an unmumsnet hug. I am due to give birth imminently and DH hasn't had a beer since we found out we were expecting, quite the opposite he's always made sure there was someone around (mostly my mum) if he was going out but even then he's stuck to soft drinks so he could drive if needed. Your partner has been very thoughtless and agree with PP to not have the conversation about this when he is drunk and reiterate how frustrated and disappointed you are with him 💜

Pufflebow · 05/08/2023 23:58

Is he actually drunk though? Or are you just assuming?
you’re probably right, ofc. But nothing in your op says he’s definitely drunk

Original poster
Xcv · 05/08/2023 23:59

@pregnancyrollercoaster thats so sweet that he has joined you on staying sober! Very thoughtful. I didn’t mind him having the odd drink before but as it’s now in the final week I just don’t know why he’d bother risking it. If any of his friends were out drinking that close to their child being born I would ask him why they would do that too. I think you’re right, leaving it until the morning to tell him how let down I am 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Xcv · 06/08/2023 00:00

@Pufflebow I realised that after reading it back but he has posted on Facebook with a group of them all drinking and looks well on his way 🙄 I can tell by the messages too and lack of messages earlier

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:02

EmilyBrontesGhost · 05/08/2023 23:51

Is he behaving like he cares?

Answer honestly.

Show quote history

He has behaved selfishly. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about the op.

I think it is unhelpful in the extreme to tell a clearly stressed, heavily pregnant woman, that the father of her child doesn’t care about her.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 06/08/2023 00:08

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:02

He has behaved selfishly. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about the op.

I think it is unhelpful in the extreme to tell a clearly stressed, heavily pregnant woman, that the father of her child doesn’t care about her.

Show quote history

He has behaved like he doesn't care.

Which he clearly doesn't.

It's not unhelpful to tell ANYONE the TRUTH.

it might be hurtful, and of course it is, but pretending this man cares when he clearly doesn't isn't honest and isn't helpful to the OP long term.

Life isn't going to get any better after the baby is born, we all know that.

Dombasle · 06/08/2023 00:11

Going out for the golf day is fine as he can leave any time there is an emergency but drinking alcohol to excess isn't.

ShatnerzBassoon · 06/08/2023 00:15

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:02

He has behaved selfishly. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about the op.

I think it is unhelpful in the extreme to tell a clearly stressed, heavily pregnant woman, that the father of her child doesn’t care about her.

Show quote history

I’m with you on this one. It’s tiring the people on here who think one instance of acting a certain way makes it your defining characteristic forever. Everyone has done something selfish at one point or another.

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:18

EmilyBrontesGhost · 06/08/2023 00:08

He has behaved like he doesn't care.

Which he clearly doesn't.

It's not unhelpful to tell ANYONE the TRUTH.

it might be hurtful, and of course it is, but pretending this man cares when he clearly doesn't isn't honest and isn't helpful to the OP long term.

Life isn't going to get any better after the baby is born, we all know that.

Show quote history

The truth based on a micro snapshot of their relationship.

This is their second child, and appears to be out of character behaviour based on the fact the op was ok with him going golfing at all.

Telling her he doesn’t care isn’t “the truth”, it’s you being an arse to be honest.

Deathbyfluffy · 06/08/2023 00:22

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:18

The truth based on a micro snapshot of their relationship.

This is their second child, and appears to be out of character behaviour based on the fact the op was ok with him going golfing at all.

Telling her he doesn’t care isn’t “the truth”, it’s you being an arse to be honest.

Show quote history

Correct.
I’m sure he does care, and while I’d give him a hard time about it tomorrow it’s not the end of the world.

WandaWonder · 06/08/2023 00:24

A regular thing not on if not regular then the world doesn't stop because someone is pregnant

EmilyBrontesGhost · 06/08/2023 00:26

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:18

The truth based on a micro snapshot of their relationship.

This is their second child, and appears to be out of character behaviour based on the fact the op was ok with him going golfing at all.

Telling her he doesn’t care isn’t “the truth”, it’s you being an arse to be honest.

Show quote history

Stop trying to defend the indefensible.

HE DOES NOT CARE.

He's off getting drunk while his heavily pregnant wife is at home with a toddler, while she can hardly walk (her words) and all she wanted to know was that he would be sober enough to take her to hospital if necessary.

HE DOES NOT CARE.

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:29

EmilyBrontesGhost · 06/08/2023 00:26

Stop trying to defend the indefensible.

HE DOES NOT CARE.

He's off getting drunk while his heavily pregnant wife is at home with a toddler, while she can hardly walk (her words) and all she wanted to know was that he would be sober enough to take her to hospital if necessary.

HE DOES NOT CARE.

Show quote history

Are you alright? 🤨

EmilyBrontesGhost · 06/08/2023 00:34

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:29

Are you alright? 🤨

Show quote history

I'm absolutely fine.

But the poor OP isn't, she's heavily pregnant, with a toddler to look after, and a husband off out getting drunk and not caring a jot about her.

Honestly, it's disgusting.

And you asking ME if I'm alright when we have a distressed OP like this is disgusting as well.

ShatnerzBassoon · 06/08/2023 00:55

EmilyBrontesGhost · 06/08/2023 00:34

I'm absolutely fine.

But the poor OP isn't, she's heavily pregnant, with a toddler to look after, and a husband off out getting drunk and not caring a jot about her.

Honestly, it's disgusting.

And you asking ME if I'm alright when we have a distressed OP like this is disgusting as well.

Show quote history

Sounds like his behaviour is sub par, he has become an albatross, your relationship needs to change course, a few things to iron out but you’ll soon be out of the woods.

…erm, I’ll get my coat

Sittingonasale · 06/08/2023 01:08

He's being a bit of an arse but could also be gearing himself for not being able to go out once baby is here.

Yes, he's being a bit selfish but I think it's easy for women to forget that men get nervous too about the birth. It's more financial stress, more health stress (potentially) and quite possibly more relationship stress.

My h decided to go and get his lunch just before I gave birth to my last one and cane back once he was born. Pretty sure I birthed the other two alone too but can't remember his excuses then. 😅

I actually preferred giving birth on my own though (as long as he/someone got me to hospital on time). I know he hates hospitals as his mum died when he was young.

AllOfThemWitches · 06/08/2023 01:09

I agree with the poster who said he doesn't care tbh. Sorry OP, hopefully you'll have decent support when he continues to let you and your children down while he puts himself first.

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