Husband drunk when I’m 38 weeks and asked him not to drink!

[Xcv]

Just want to get this off my chest more than anything! My husband had asked to play in a golf final today with a group from work. It’s an annual work’s day out. I had said yes of course but had asked him to stay sober as I would have no other way to get to hospital should anything happen this weekend and we have no childcare. I thought this was a fair compromise for a full day out (12 hours+) when I’m at home running after our young child all day, heavily pregnant, finding it difficult to even walk at this point 😬

We don’t have any family locally, my mum is about to arrive on Monday to be able to look after our child and she’ll stay with us until the baby is born (due to arrive by induction on Wednesday/Thursday).

Ive had a message to say they are staying out after the golf so he won’t be back until late. I can only imagine the state he is going to come home in. I’m not one to ever moan about this stuff but was I really asking too much for him to just go and not drink or have literally one or two beers throughout the day? When some of us have been sober since November!!! 😵‍💫

@BendingSpoons and there is no chance he could drive for the first half of today at least either 🙄 it was typically the day when our day starts at 5.30am too so I am now a lot more annoyed 😂

Good luck OP. He’s very lucky he was able to go out all day when you can barely walk. I hope he willingly makes this up to you

Why do people say “he can make it up to you?” On mumsnet people often talk about the marriage partnership as though its tit for tat, transactional, each party should do 50/50, alternate hours or days of childcare.

This is such an odd and useless way of looking at family life. He can’t do 50 percent of the pregnancy. He can’t do 50 percent of the labor. He doesn’t assume 50 percent of the risk. He won’t do 50 percent of the breast feeding.

In addition some needs are time sensitive—some childcare in the future is not as valuable as being with his toddler and pregnant wife now. The love and care a father gives a child before age 12 is more significant and foundational than an hour here or there afterwards. Its like making a cake but forgetting the eggs and thinking you can fix it by cracking a few on after it comes out of the oven.

There is a “golden time” in life and relationships—that time is always now. Whatever this sodden hulk of a man does today or tomorrow will never make up for his lack of care now.

Jesus Christ. I meant by way of an apology.

Didn’t mean to call you out particularly, its a viewpoint lots of people express that things can be made up later. Im all for repair in relationships but I just don’t think some things can be repaired by actions at a later date.

speaking from experience you need to stamp that crap out or it will happen again and again and erode your relationship and trust. Of course he is entitled to socialise and have a few drinks and there needs to be compromise on
both parts but there’s a time and place for it.
He has given 2 fingers to you and your perfectly reasonable expectations . This behaviour is just not compatible with family life

@pikkumyy77 I know what you mean in general. It’s like what’s the point in setting a rule or boundary if it’s only time sensitive to that one day out but you know you can go and drink and get away with it anyway then I’ll just be a bit annoyed the next day! It’s one of those things where a ‘sorry’ really doesn’t cut it but you don’t have a lot of choice in whether you’re accepting it or not!

He’s got a very long list of jobs to do today 😌

@Barbaquequeen im actually glad it’s our second child as I know he doesn’t drink most weekends and is rarely out nowadays but that was almost an extra reason why it was obviously fine for him to go, only to go and take it way too far 🙄

Well—the one thing I will say is that I think its necessary to somehow make the long list simply a natural consequence of deferred work rather than some kind of punishment. What we know now about punishment for children is that it instantly changes the calculation the child goes through in deciding, next time, to pursue the disfavored course of action. If the punishment feels too harsh the child will rebel—this is why people who get sngry at their bosses are more likely to feel that petty pilfering is reasonable. In addition Just as a fine is just the cost of doing business for a polluter the “long list” can become just the “cost of a night out” and it gets baked into the next decision point.

I think you really have to look hard at your dh and figure out why he was so contemptuous of your needs and why you are modeling this behavior that prioritizes his fun over your need. I mean who cares if he only occasionally goes out drinking ? Its a luxury, a want not a need—people routinely don’t get to do stuff when their families need them.

I had my baby at 36 weeks so yanbu.

One stupid mistake doesn’t make the man. I couldn’t have asked for a better father to our children. He took them every weekend to the park, whatever the weather and took them to visit his parents every week too, has stood on touchlines despite their lack of sporting prowess, endured school assemblies, taken them shopping for Christmas and birthday gifts, been a shoulder to cry on, worked two jobs to pay for us to have great holidays, been a parent taxi, here there and everywhere at all times of the day and night. Like I have said the drunken football match is an anecdote now which he understandably is embarrassed by but we joke about it rather than beat him up about it. He’s a bloody legend of a husband too. Like your DH mine doesn’t go out drinking very often. He had one error of judgement, nothing terrible happened, you didn’t go into labour. Move on and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

My husband did this - went out after work got drunk on my actual due date - said I was being ridiculous and babies never come on their due date. Gave birth on my due date! Selfish bastards!

What a great analogy, the eggs on top of the cake. I agree absolutely with everything you say.