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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Unsure of prospective father

78 replies

ashamedandembarrased · 25/07/2023 18:54

My husband and I have been trying for children for a while. We've experienced a few losses and the TTC journey has put a strain on our relationship. Doing the deed at ovulation time has become so stressful for both of us and for the last few months my husband has had stage fright.
I turn 42 in a few months so much as I've tried to be supportive of his ED we've fallen out on numerous occasions as we know my fertile days are numbered,
In a moment of madness I slept with someone else. I am pretty disgusted with myself but it's done and I now have to live with this. Judge away, you can't be any harder on me than I am on myself!!
My period was due today and didn't arrive so I did a pregnancy test today and it's positive and I am beside myself with worry that my mistake is about to cost me my marriage.
My cycles average at 26 days give or take +/-2 days. *I've only had 1 24 day cycle and that was last month.
I slept with the other man on day 7 of my cycle, then with my husband on day 11 and we AI'd on days 13 and 14 as things were too stressful for intercourse.
My egg white mucus was on day 11 and my LH surged on day 13.
I understand sperm can stay alive and lurk at the cervix for some time - 5 days after the other man would take me to day 12 of my cycle.
I appreciate that timings are tight and there is no way to know for sure without a DNA test but I'm looking for some advice/opinions on how likely my mistake is the father.

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 25/07/2023 18:59

Not being funny to get pregnant so quickly it doesn't sound like your hubbies if you've had problems in that department before. Does your other half know you did it? I guess you've got to come clean and say your not sure

AllAboardTootToot · 25/07/2023 19:01

Wtf were you thinking? Husbands having issues down there so that’s a free token to go get it elsewhere?! I genuinely feel for him, regardless of who the father is.

The only way you will know is DNA testing, they crossed over in your window so it could be either guys. You owe it to your husband to be truthful, even if that does cost you your marriage, it isn’t fair on either of you or the child who has a right to know it’s birth farther.

What a situation. Whatever you do, good luck and I hope you have a healthy pregnancy.

AllAboardTootToot · 25/07/2023 19:02

I do agree with PP though, seems a slim chance it’s your husbands.

OhMyDaisies · 25/07/2023 19:03

It's such a small window between the 2 of them that it's really impossible to say. My instinct would also say it would be more likely to be the other man's since you've had such a hard time trying to conceive with your husband - but as you know only a DNA test will really tell you.

No judgement here, you must be going through hell right now.

You are going to have to come clean though. Anything else is too messy.

Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 19:05

It's possible to do a prenatal paternity test (the Internet tells me...before anyone wonders how I know this...) so you could find out now before taking any drastic action.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 25/07/2023 19:06

I think it's unlikely to be your husband's.

In your shoes, I'd end the pregnancy and concentrate on staying faithful to my dh. But you might not feel able to do that.

If you continue with the pregnancy, you will either have to bluff it out and hope you're not caught out, or come clean. The first would be very stressful, the second would probably finish your marriage off.

Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 19:06

Apparently prenatal paternity tests can be done even in the first trimester. I'd get on it, op, and personally I'd keep quiet with both men until I knew the result either way.

Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 19:08

Ps although you'd need your dh to do a cheek swab so I'm not sure how you could get away with doing that on the quiet.

RudsyFarmer · 25/07/2023 19:08

Bloody hell. It’s obviously the other man’s isn’t it? This feels like an episode of paternity court. You have to tell him, particularly if he really wants to be a dad. He should have the right to know whose child he is potentially raising.

GoodChat · 25/07/2023 19:11

Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 19:08

Ps although you'd need your dh to do a cheek swab so I'm not sure how you could get away with doing that on the quiet.

Unless she could get the OM to do it

GoodChat · 25/07/2023 19:12

Not that I am condoning that, though. I think you need to tell your husband the truth.

Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 19:15

GoodChat · 25/07/2023 19:11

Unless she could get the OM to do it

Show quote history

Indeed that might work!

I'm not judging. I'm not perfect myself. I hope op gets the answer she hopes for.

mayorofcasterbridge · 25/07/2023 19:38

GoodChat · 25/07/2023 19:11

Unless she could get the OM to do it

Show quote history

That's no help because he would want to know why?

I have no clue how to advise you. If you can get a paternity test done in the first trimester, at least then you would know what you are dealing with. If it's the other man's then you would still have the option to terminate, although after TTC so long that would be very difficult.

HowcanIhelp123 · 25/07/2023 19:44

Much too close, average is 14 days before period, with a 26 day cycle thats ovulation on day 12. Can be earlier, can be later. Very much could be either mans. I'd get a prenatal paternity test if you can. Who is the other man? A friend/someone contactable?

JadeClade · 25/07/2023 19:45

There is no possible way to know from the dates you give, it could be either of them

GoodChat · 25/07/2023 19:47

@mayorofcasterbridge why would he not want to know if he's impregnated somebody? Confused

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 19:48

first of all, congratulations. children are a blessing, and one way or another it seems to be happening for you.

does the OM look much different to your OH? If they look similar enough, I would just carry on ask normal. but yes, get OM to do swab test, as its important to know.

Holly03 · 25/07/2023 19:51

Just tell him You wanted a baby and now you have one. More than likely your marriage is failing and isn’t going to take the stress of this situation much longer. You could have used protection with the other man and you didn’t, you wanted to get pregnant regardless of who the father is, you wanted to be a mother.

Alwaystired2023 · 25/07/2023 19:52

Congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️ that's so exciting (alongside the massive worry you have outlined)

Agree with other posters to do early paternity test with other man's DNA? Then you can decide your options from there once you know?x

Scottishdreams1991 · 25/07/2023 19:54

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 19:48

first of all, congratulations. children are a blessing, and one way or another it seems to be happening for you.

does the OM look much different to your OH? If they look similar enough, I would just carry on ask normal. but yes, get OM to do swab test, as its important to know.

Wtaf so lie to her husband and child 🙄

carrot87 · 25/07/2023 19:55

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 19:48

first of all, congratulations. children are a blessing, and one way or another it seems to be happening for you.

does the OM look much different to your OH? If they look similar enough, I would just carry on ask normal. but yes, get OM to do swab test, as its important to know.

Wow. This is next level fucked up.

AmandaHoldensLips · 25/07/2023 19:56

What a pickle.

If it makes you feel any better, around 4% of children are fathered by "someone else".

It's an awful dilemma. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I really feel for you.

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 19:56

no, not lie. but dont rush to find out straight away. let yourself process it and dont tell your DH as it may end up being nothing. but obviously, if you do find out, you need to tell him the baby is not his.

violinviolet · 25/07/2023 19:57

At your age no way would I terminate BUT you can not lie to a man and say he's the father. That's cruel to him and the baby. I can't believe people are condoning that

mayorofcasterbridge · 25/07/2023 20:00

GoodChat · 25/07/2023 19:47

@mayorofcasterbridge why would he not want to know if he's impregnated somebody? Confused

That's for later. He wouldn't need to be told anything in the event that he is not the father. Thought that was pretty obvious?

Also thought it was obvious that the OP wouldn't tell her DH either until she knows which one is the father?