Unsure of prospective father

[ashamedandembarrased]

My husband and I have been trying for children for a while. We've experienced a few losses and the TTC journey has put a strain on our relationship. Doing the deed at ovulation time has become so stressful for both of us and for the last few months my husband has had stage fright.
I turn 42 in a few months so much as I've tried to be supportive of his ED we've fallen out on numerous occasions as we know my fertile days are numbered,
In a moment of madness I slept with someone else. I am pretty disgusted with myself but it's done and I now have to live with this. Judge away, you can't be any harder on me than I am on myself!!
My period was due today and didn't arrive so I did a pregnancy test today and it's positive and I am beside myself with worry that my mistake is about to cost me my marriage.
My cycles average at 26 days give or take +/-2 days. *I've only had 1 24 day cycle and that was last month.
I slept with the other man on day 7 of my cycle, then with my husband on day 11 and we AI'd on days 13 and 14 as things were too stressful for intercourse.
My egg white mucus was on day 11 and my LH surged on day 13.
I understand sperm can stay alive and lurk at the cervix for some time - 5 days after the other man would take me to day 12 of my cycle.
I appreciate that timings are tight and there is no way to know for sure without a DNA test but I'm looking for some advice/opinions on how likely my mistake is the father.

Oh op, what a difficult situation. No judgement at all. If you want the baby regardless of who the father is, continue onwards and get a dna test as early as you’re able to. I wouldn’t mention anything to your Dh unless the baby proves to be the OMs.

Couldn't imagine lying to my partner to this degree. It's really messed up the amount of people saying don't tell your husband until you have had a DNA test or if the baby doesn't look like him. If this was a man having an affair and got someone pregnant after an argument he would be burnt at the stake. I actually think it's quite disgusting you would all condone him going through the emotions of thinking he's having a baby that has been tried for just to take it all away. You have no idea how much this will mess him up mentally. Wrong on so many levels.

I’m not going to judge you OP but I am going to be blunt.

There are clearly serious issues in your marriage. This may be your only chance to have a biological child. Telling your DH the truth could well end your marriage. Is that marriage more important to you than having a child? None of us can answer that for you.

Who is the OM? Is he a stranger or someone who is already in your life? Would he step up and support you if you went it alone?

This is really sensible advice. Bringing a baby into a rocky marriage isn't going to improve it either, regardless of who the father is.

It's a false equivalence to say "we'd judge a man for getting someone pregnant in an affair". The vast majority of men in that scenario would not have full or even partial custody of his child, nor would he go through the pains and risks of pregnancy and childbirth.

If op keeps this baby, she'd be taking on all the physical and probably financial risks, and I'm sure would care for the baby and treasure it.

It's not equivalent at all.

Op I hope you're OK. I could have been in your position once many years ago but didn't conceive, so I'm not judging. As a pp said, this situation is statistically not even that rare, so if I were you I'd ignore the judgy comments who are being unhelpful after the fact and focus on the practical.

I highly doubt the OP is going to want to terminate a pregnancy that she’s been trying for for a long time, on the off chance it’s not her husband’s.

And us berating her for having an unprotected one night stand won’t help either.

All I can say is I don’t envy you, OP, but maybe a prenatal paternity test, if possible, is the way to go.

I know a couple who this has happened to, the man knew, and turned a blind eye because he wanted the baby, and wanted his wife. So, could there be a way of testing the water? I.e. tell him this happened to a friend/in a book and see his reaction? There is a film where this is the main storyline, I can’t remember what it’s called.

Or, you could tell DH you panicked and used a sperm donor without telling him, but now you’re not sure if the baby is his or the donor’s.

I don’t agree with abortions, and I don’t think you should risk your well-being over this by divorcing or telling him the truth.

I know that seems immoral, but honestly, I think that’s what I’d do in your situation.

I put this scenario to my husband and his response was if the fling doesn't look radically different from your husband then don't tell him.
Sending you best wishes.

That's how much you respect your husband? Dear god that is frightening 'advice'.

It doesn't 'seem' immoral, it totally is! This guy has a right to know and not be led to believe the child is his if it is not. The child also had a right to know.

I struggle with MN a lot of the time on the warped views of others but this is next level shit this thread!

I can see why you chose your name...

Saying ‘congratulations’ on a thread where an OP is obviously in turmoil and not happy about it, is incredibly self-indulgent. It’s nothing to do with the recipient, and all to do with the person saying it. There’s a time and a place.

I struggle to see how it's not equivalent just because she is the one pregnant. This whole thread and advice is so messed up. Don't we teach our children if you make a mistake you own up anymore or is lying because it suits the lier ok ? What about everyone else involved? If it was the other way everyone would be telling OP to LTB.

Speaking from experience (not my own but a close family member) you have no idea the implications carrying on a lie like this will have on him.

Be honest, keep the baby if you want it your marriage is fucked anyway there's nothing left to lose.

You've quoted me but then seemingly accused me of opinions I do not have.

I never suggested she should lie to her husband, just not tell him till she has the full information.

I only said I would judge a man more in your falsely-equivalent scenario.

You would rather judge op. Loudly and vociferously. I would rather sympathise and advise without judgement.

You do you, my friend. If you think your contributions are helpful please do keep making them.

I’ve been reading this thread since it started and it’s like a real life version of the film Bridget Jones Baby. Perhaps that’s the one you are thinking of too.

I understand why people are saying that due to your history it is unlikely to be DH's, however you mentioned a couple of losses- so does that mean that you are falling pregnant but then losing early? If that's the case then I would say based on your dates it is more likely to be your DH's baby.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

Really not possible to say from the dates but I agree that your husband needs to know and do a DNA test. Please don't contact and test the other man without his knowledge as I think someone suggested. That would be a further betrayal. Explain, say how sorry you are, expect him to be devastated. Not sure whether or not your marriage will survive this but the child needs to know who its father is (or at least isn't if the other man isn't contactable) and I think I'd feel ultimately less stress getting this out in the open which is better for the pregnancy. Give yourself a bit of time to think everything through though first- maybe a counselling appointment?

Flip OP.

However statistically it is much more likely to be your husband’s - as the dates posted by PP show.

I think you need to be a couple months pregnant to do a DNA test, and it needs a blood sample from you, and a mouth swab from the father. If you can get that from your DP’s toothbrush (check but I don’t see why that wouldn’t work) I would sit tight and do that when you get to that stage.

If it’s his, and it probably is - happy days. If it isn’t then you have to tell him.

If it is his then I don’t see any need to tell him about the ONS. What’s the point? You will hurt him and put your marriage at grave risk which is no good for your baby.

You shouldn’t have done it but you’ve been under great strain so that is some excuse. It’s not the same level of transgression as an affair.

I hope things work out for you.

Weirdly, I'd be tempted not to say anything... if this was a one night stand and the other man won't come forward, telling your husband may do far more harm than good to the both of you. You'll either have to tell him and your marriage will implode, or live with the fact you'll always have this lie against him. Difficult one

From what you're saying, with a 26(ish) day cycle and with the symptoms you describe you almost certainly ovulated on or around day 12/13, i.e. 14 days before your period was due, so IMO more likely to be DH's. However, not 100%. I would definitely do a DNA test to find out if your ONS man is the dad. I feel like then you will know your options.

And in the future when medical tests prove who the kid's dad is?

Or, you could tell DH you panicked and used a sperm donor without telling him, but now you’re not sure if the baby is his or the donor’s.

Yep cus it's that easy going to a sperm bank. It's just like going to the corner shop. Mind you, i suppose she did technically go to a sperm bank, it just happened to be on legs.

Do you honestly think that's fair on the husband or child?

You couldn’t make some of this shit up, right?

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to cross the road by themselves, let alone post advice on the internet.

How are you OP?

You can't change the past it's done now but you have to deal with the consequences of this. No one can tell you who the dad is. You would need a DNA test for that but there are some practical things to consider first IMO.

Do you know the other person well or was it a stranger? Have you looked at getting checked for STIs? If you continue with the pregnancy do you know any relevant health info from other person that might need sharing?

If it's someone who moves in your social circle they would probably put 2&2 together.

As far as your husband No matter how hard it is he deserves the truth so he can make a decision as to what he wants to do - stay or leave. Secrets always come out in the end and there's the impact on your own emotional health not to mention the impact on the baby. There's options re counselling for you and your husband to support you both.

While it is more likely to be DH’s, I wouldn’t put a lot of confidence in that. I’m currently pregnant with a baby conceived 5-6 days before ovulation. You’re going to need a paternity test…and I’d come clean to your husband. These things have a way of coming out, especially in this age of Ancestry etc.