Gender disappointment

[2612S]

I know there have been a lots of posts already on gender disappointment and I have read quite a bit about it. A lot of people have said that when their baby came along it instantly didn’t matter but I have a long way to go until the baby is born. I’m 17+2. Have people who have felt gender disappointment adapted to the idea as time has progressed? I found out four days ago that I am having a baby boy and while this is what I expected due to cravings etc I have always desperately wanted a girl. I definitely think I’m coming round to it & will continue to do so but I wish I’d do so quicker. Feeling a bit flat still. Thanks.

That would make a lot more sense if they were women having a second boy, or a define one and done child, but it's just as common for someone to be devastated that their first child (of a planned larger number) is a boy.

And yes, if there were Reddit threads about gender disappointment where every single one of hundreds or even thousands was men bewailing having a girl, that would be an issue.

This.
Health is most important, try to keep perspective

Probably examine why you have a preference for a girl. Some people have la la fantasies about what kids will be like, or think their relationship with a child of a certain gender will mirror their own relationship with their own parent of that gender. These assumptions are pretty dangerous to try and foist on a child who is their own person, not a mirror of the parent
I agree with this.
It's often boy disappointment on here and usually the reasons that seem to underpin the "I really wanted a girl" are based on good old fashioned sexism and stereotypes about boys and girls.

Eg. A girl you can do (insert stereotyped activities)
I'm not really a boy mum because I don't like (insert stereotyped interests)
A girl will be a mini me and we can do girly mummy daughter things
It's just natural to want a daughter because you know that a mum/daughter bond is going to last
A girl is yours for life but a boy is going to dare to find another woman in adulthood and you're inevitably going to be in competition with his future wife

I can't help think that unless people really get to the bottom of where these feelings come from it's going to inevitably affect their parenting in some way

But you're saying you're grieving "one type of relationship" that you would have had with a daughter. Just by thinking this you're making huge assumptions about how that relationship would have been. You're assuming you would have had one type of relationship with her simply because she's a girl. You're also saying, by default, that your relationship with your sons is a different type of relationship. I truly don't understand this. I have one girl and one boy and my relationship with my children is exactly the same. I don't have a special unique relationship with my daughter because she's a girl. They're both my children. I'm the same mother to both. The only difference is that my son is much more like me than my daughter is, so in a way I understand him better! Yet many mums seem to believe they'd relate better to a girl than a boy. It's all assumptions!
I'm close to my mum but you only have to read some of the posts of Mumsnet to realise that a lot of women have really difficult relationships with their mothers. Don't assume that by having a daughter you're going to have exactly the relationship you imagine.

I always thought I'd want a boy, but now am so so happy I have a beautiful girl 😍 and if I have another baby I definitely want another girl

Thank you for being honest about a topic that’s not always discussed and people don’t feel they can be honest about.

i have two darling daughters who are my absolute world. I am pregnant with number 3 and was hoping for a little boy. Not for my husband as he loves his girls, but I really wanted to experience being a boy mum, buying boy toys etc. I am also more close to my brother than I am to my sisters so would’ve loved that dynamic again but I also love the idea that I’ll have three gorgeous girls who will equally be different and being such beautiful chaos to our lives. I count my blessings everyday that I am in my position but it’s not wrong to be able to voice to other women that you would’ve loved to have a different experience.

ps i have also found it’s all women who say to me “aw god three girls, really? Will you try again for a boy?” The faces they pull also at time baffles me lol xx

When you see your baby for the first time you’ll realise that he is the baby you’ve dreamed of and your life will totally revolve around him.

I've got two boys. Never had gender disappointment with either but just so you know boys are great. I have a great bond with both and couldn't imagine them as girls. They're just my babies and I'm sure you'll feel like that too when he's here.

Sorry, I know this isn't particularly helpful but this is why I personally don't think people should find out what they're having. When you're baby is born, you and everyone else will just be over joyed that baby is here and hopefully healthy, the love you feel for that little bundle will over power any disappointment you have about it being a girl or boy. However knowing now what it is, is a totally different feeling, like more a text book what you want if that makes sense. I think the same with people revealing names before baby is born you get everyone saying "Oh i don't like that" or "that name reminds me of a girl i went to school with" or whatever which clouds your judgement of the name but if you just announce it once baby is here no-one cares, they just care about the baby being here.

I was certain I was having a boy so when they said "it's a girl" I didn't feel disappointed exactly but did feel for a while that I'd been given the wrong baby. And also, I guess I'd convinced myself of all the good things about having a boy - fairly stereotyped things, looking back.

Now 18, she is wonderful of course but if I'd had any stereotyped idea of what having a daughter would be like they certainly haven't come true! She's not interested in shopping and make up (neither am I so not an issue) and has from the start been determined to keep her feelings to herself and handle her own problems. So no girlie chats or confidences.

I absolutely adore my son. No I didn’t want one but he’s here and I love him to bits. He is funny, quirky and just loveable. No I don’t share a lot of the same interests as he does, like I do with my daughter, but I wouldn’t change him for the world

This 100000%!!
it is not wrong or bad to have a preference about something - that is life!! You can’t berate someone for wanting something. You can berate someone for acting on it and letting it ever impact on the way you treat your child.
i have 2 boys who I ADORE. I then had a third - I was DESPERATE for a girl. Which I got.
I’m far closer to my sons just from a personality point of view, and I think that will continue throughout life. especially my middle - we just connect extremely well and have more in common.

however I am also thrilled I got to experience raising a girl - yes personality dictates most of a child rearing experience but you can’t deny that sex doesn’t. She’ll face different issues through her life which the boys won’t, and vice versa, and it’s it’s lovely to be able to share personal experiences based on being a woman now she’s older such as entering male dominated industries etc. And hopefully at some point pregnancy etc.

it is different from raising boys. Both are equally as amazing but raising a child the same biological sex as your own is something I think it’s completely natural to wonder about / want. And OP shouldn’t be made to feel like a terrible person for thinking it.

I really struggled when I found out I was having a girl because my experience of the mother/daughter relationship was so flawed. I was scared and anxious. I didn't know if I could be in that relationship and feel good enough or provide what my tiny baby needed because the blueprint wasn't there. I learned a very valuable lesson about the power of maternal love and the joy of forging a new relationship and I'm endlessly glad that DD is the person who made me a mother. And I also now understand that for some people, fear, life experiences, poor role models etc can make them feel utterly adrift. We all bring our own experiences and often can't control our natural reactions. 99.9% of the time, it's unfounded and wholly unwanted. Nobody wants to feel that way and the vast majority of women forget it all the second the baby is born. Those who don't often have quite serious reasons for this and need support, not derision.

Berating women certainly won't help.

OP, you'll be fine 🙂

Why are some people so determined to pretend there is no significance to female-female relationships? On a forum populated almost entirely by women? Where women come to share their views, thoughts and feelings with other woman? And now you want to tell us there’s no difference at all between a relationship- be it romantic, platonic or familial, between two women and between women and men?

Bullshit. You know there’s a difference. It just makes you feel morally superior to pretend otherwise. Your relationship with your sister is not exactly the same as your relationship with your brother. Your relationship with your Mum is different to your relationship with your Dad. Anyone pretending otherwise so they can have the moral high ground is full of crap.

Oh, there it is, the “you’re not allowed to feel your feelings, because I’ve got it worse” card.

I’m very sorry that your child is disabled, but that in no way gives you the right to slate other women for their natural feelings.

I've got it 'worse?' 'Worse' than having a boy? That's how you think? Jesus fucking christ. If you have a strong preference, don't get pregnant. Get a bloody pet instead.

People literally feeling sorry for themselves because they're getting the wrong 'gender' and likening it to grief. Some of you really need to remove your heads from your arses.

Don’t worry OP in this day and age I’m sure your boy will decide he’s a girl then you can have the longed for gender you want.

Isn’t the purpose of Mumsnet to provide knowledge, advice and support. If you don’t have anything constructive to say or can’t comprehend or relate to the topic being discussed then please don’t comment.

Once again, thanks to those who have taken the time to share their stories.

I can promise you OP, boys are the absolute best! I have 1 DS and would love a potential second child to be a boy too (of course I'd be happy with a girl too, but I love the idea of 2 boys)

I had gender disappointment with DS1 and I really wish I hadn't found out the gender as it was hard to accept. I didn't really accept it until he was born, I think that's because he became ' a person' rather than 'a gender' at that point. I didn't find out the gender of DC2 in advance, so far less disappointment when DS2 arrived! I wanted a daughter, but I can honestly say I have loved being a mother of boys. Not sure what else I can say, other than spend some time with a mother of teenage daughters and you might feel differently!

I think this discussion is a bit pointless, those with boys only will glorify boys and vice versa. Those with boy and girl will think they won lottery ticket....well unless you have more than 2 I don't think it's the case. Bond between 2 same sex siblings is much stronger and less turbulent as they grow up generally.

Totally agree. People should be fucking thankful they're able to even fall pregnant in the first place, not be 'disappointed' cos it's the wrong sex.

I was speaking more generally about how some people will declare that others don’t have the right to complain about any given situation because there is always someone worse off than them. It’s not a race to the bottom.

Ultimately, of the two of us, one (me) has joined this thread to show solidarity and support to pregnant women who are experiencing something they’re finding emotionally difficult, during what is often already an emotionally, mentally and physically difficult time.

The other (you) has come on to berate and guilt trip them because they are finding it difficult.

I think I know who needs to get their head out of their arse here, and it ain’t me.