Severe anxiety lead to termination

Faithb123 · 2023-07-05T13:28:07+00:00

Hi, I wanted to share my story and ask for help. I had a termination of a wanted pregnancy due to - what I now know was - antenatal anxiety/ depression. It took 2 days from taking the positive test to totally take over every fibre of my being. Stopped me eating, sleeping and made me believe that pregnancy was a huge mistake and beg for a miscarriage. i’m only 2 days post termination, my overriding feeling is relief. The terror of the anxiety/depression made me want to die, I felt like I could not take another second. I can see that a lot of people have terminated due to this. im so sorry we share such a trauma. i don’t have any children, has anyone been in this position. Will I ever be able to have children without my mind telling me termination is the only option? scared for my future x

Wolfiefan · 05/07/2023 14:30

I’m so sorry OP. Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? Did you have any pre existing MH issues?

Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 14:46

Hi :)
yes, my mum rushed me to the GP after I had expressed after 2 days that I couldn’t go on. I’ve had anxiety and bouts of depression for my whole life - I’m thinking I was 8 latest when anxiety started?
then I went to the Gp today to say what I realise was happening was extreme axniety which lead me to the termination (at the time, I thought I’d just made a mistake and wasn’t ready for a baby). I realise now that an unbarable anxiety due to hormones almost killed me, and a termination was best for me. I know now I will need much more care in pregnancy mental health wise. But petrified to go through it again but do want children x

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ES1986 · 05/07/2023 15:04

I really feel for you. Nine months is a long time to be pregnant and even someone without anxiety and depression can find themselves lying awake googling symptoms, worrying about the future… I can’t imagine how scared you must have been.

Could you look up surrogacy options? Not having the surge of pregnancy hormones yourself may alleviate some anxiety?

Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 15:15

Hi, when I think of where my head was at last week, it’s insane how my brain went back to ‘normal’ after the unfortunate termination.
I had convinced myself it was because I wasn’t ready, but this is a baby and pregnancy I’d been dreaming of, how could my brain convince me otherwise and so strongly.
i have looked at surrogacy but just don’t have the money and you actually have to be physically unable to have children.
now I know what to expect, I might just have to be sedated initially. I’m not sure where this leaves me- I’ve seen some threads where people have said they experienced this and were considering termination and I’d love to know if they got through it or not.
it was indescribable - at the time it felt so real, so intense. Now I realise how very very unwell I was. X

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strongtsandcs · 05/07/2023 17:00

ES1986 · 05/07/2023 15:04

I really feel for you. Nine months is a long time to be pregnant and even someone without anxiety and depression can find themselves lying awake googling symptoms, worrying about the future… I can’t imagine how scared you must have been.

Could you look up surrogacy options? Not having the surge of pregnancy hormones yourself may alleviate some anxiety?

Surrogacy? Are you mad.

strongtsandcs · 05/07/2023 17:01

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 15:15

Hi, when I think of where my head was at last week, it’s insane how my brain went back to ‘normal’ after the unfortunate termination.
I had convinced myself it was because I wasn’t ready, but this is a baby and pregnancy I’d been dreaming of, how could my brain convince me otherwise and so strongly.
i have looked at surrogacy but just don’t have the money and you actually have to be physically unable to have children.
now I know what to expect, I might just have to be sedated initially. I’m not sure where this leaves me- I’ve seen some threads where people have said they experienced this and were considering termination and I’d love to know if they got through it or not.
it was indescribable - at the time it felt so real, so intense. Now I realise how very very unwell I was. X

Can you please contact your GP and also ask for extra help for planning a pregnancy.

I can't imagine how awful the whole experience was.

Do you have a partner?

Firecrest17 · 05/07/2023 17:06

I experienced the kind of anxiety you describe when I found out I was pregnant with both my children. With DC1 I seriously considered a termination and had several consultations with GP and midwife about it. Spent 8 weeks zigzagging from just about coping to paralysing fear. In the end I had a scan at 10 weeks and the image on the screen helped bring me back into what I felt was a more normal world.

some hospitals have excellent perinatal mental health teams who will see people with high anxiety before they are even trying to conceive. I suggest your first stop is here. Keep trying and find someone to chat to. They can outline the kind of additional support that you can access if you decide to try for a baby again.

Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 17:13

Thank you. I do have a partner, he was amazing when it was happening, very much - this is your choice but I support you. But now I feel like I’m mourning a baby taken from me due to such severe mental illness in pregancy, I can’t expect him to understand that.

so, it is possible for me to get through a pregnancy? @Firecrest17 you say that you has this in your first and second. And it would be great to talk about your experience if you feel you’re able to. I think because it wasn’t totally planned but we weren’t not trying - I felt I could blame my feelings on the shock and rationalise it that way - only now after finding this community do I see what’s actually happened

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strongtsandcs · 05/07/2023 17:28

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 17:13

Thank you. I do have a partner, he was amazing when it was happening, very much - this is your choice but I support you. But now I feel like I’m mourning a baby taken from me due to such severe mental illness in pregancy, I can’t expect him to understand that.

so, it is possible for me to get through a pregnancy? @Firecrest17 you say that you has this in your first and second. And it would be great to talk about your experience if you feel you’re able to. I think because it wasn’t totally planned but we weren’t not trying - I felt I could blame my feelings on the shock and rationalise it that way - only now after finding this community do I see what’s actually happened

Are you planning on trying again with him?

Yes it's a shock to be pregnant and I hope next time he can talk you out of your anxiety (if you truly want to have a baby).

Wolfiefan · 05/07/2023 17:46

You need to approach the GP and get proper help for the MH issues. You say you’re not not trying. So if you’re not using contraception each time you have sex this could happen again. You need to avoid that. Speak to GP. Get treatment for the anxiety. Learn strategies to cope. Take meds. Whatever you need.

Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 18:09

Yes, after all of this, we are now back on contraception.

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PickledScrump · 05/07/2023 18:35

I would look at getting counselling sessions before trying again. They should be able to help you with some coping strategies so that if and when you do get pregnant again you will be able to cope with your anxiety.

ImDuranDuran · 05/07/2023 18:48

Hi OP,

This has happened to me on two occasions.

The first time the crippling anxiety came out of nowhere, I think I was around 6-7 weeks pregnant. Like you, I've dealt with bouts of it m my entire life so was familiar with the signs and feelings.

Amazingly, after my 12 week scan it completely vanished. I should mention here that none of my anxiety was linked to the health of the unborn baby so it's not like the scan relaxed any nerves about whether it was the right gestation etc. I have no idea why it just went away.

The second time was a matter of months ago. The same crippling anxiety came back, at around 5-6 weeks this time, except on this occasion it was so overwhelming I had to contact my GP for help. I physically could no longer function.

I started some low-dose antidepressants and my mood lifted pretty quickly.

Unfortunately the pregnancy ended at my 12 week scan.

I stopped taking my antidepressants as soon as as I started to miscarry (not recommended, I just wanted to monitor my mood). It's been a month now and I'm back to my old self again.

Pregnancy hormones are unbelievably powerful. There is certainly help out there.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/07/2023 18:50

Yes, I had it. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.

I was stabilised on anti depressants prior to the next pregnancy. No issues.

Mumuser124 · 05/07/2023 19:22

This happened to me with my very much wanted and planned pregnancy. It was horrific. I’d say the initial ‘oh god, what have I done etc’ lasted about 8 weeks and then it changed to crippling anxiety that something would happen to my baby and I’d lose him.

If I ever have another child, I’m planning on talking SSRIS from the 6 month mark.

sorry to hear you had such a tough time.

Chestnut12 · 05/07/2023 19:40

Hi OP, firstly I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Anxiety is a real bitch quite honestly. I’ve had a similar experience. I fell pregnant (unplanned but was with my husband, before we were married) I was already in a bit of an anxious place and the pregnancy sent my anxiety crazy. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I then had a very early miscarriage about a week later (just a heavy period really). I was relieved but also so confused as I’d always wanted children. We then got married and a couple of years later decided to try and I now have one DD. I was not as anxious as the first time but I was always worried that “it” would come back - I don’t feel in control of what the anxiety will latch onto! But it didn’t take hold in the same way that time.

Can you pinpoint exactly what thoughts you were having that made the anxiety ramp up? Was it the physical changes of pregnancy? The responsibility of having a baby? If you can narrow it down to what it was that worried you, that might help. What have your anxieties in the past been focused on?

To be honest, the only thing that has helped me in that state is to “manually” push through - basically tell myself that these are anxious feelings but it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t go ahead with something. One foot in front of the other until you come out of the other side of the episode, sticking to your plans. This has taken me a long time to realise though. I have had to push through new jobs, house moves and even my wedding in this way. It is very disheartening and confusing because you go from feeling so excited about an event and then this awful anxiety takes over. I still don’t really understand it. At one point I thought it meant that maybe some things were not meant for me, because they made me feel so bad. But I am so so glad I pushed through these big changes because once the anxiety fades I’m so happy with my decisions. My anxiety is triggered by big changes, and pregnancy is just about the biggest change ever. So don’t feel down, there is hope for the future!

Chestnut12 · 05/07/2023 19:45

I meant to say that sometimes, you really can’t push through, especially when you have more work to do to understand your anxiety a bit more. So I totally understand your decision to terminate. I think you did the right thing to relieve your anxiety, now it’s your chance to really focus on your mental health and get yourself into a good place before trying again. This doesn’t mean that you won’t ever have children and it doesn’t mean the anxiety will come back if you do fall pregnant again. The GP would be a good place to start, maybe for some medication and CBT therapy.

Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 21:55

@Chestnut12 thank you so much for your help and advice.
my initial thoughts were “wow, I can get pregnant. This was meant to be” and 36 hours later it was absolute terror and I think I was saying “I can’t do this, I don’t want this inside me, I want to do so much more, this isn’t right, I don’t want this” but looking back from a calmer place, that was my anxiety talking. I was also very torn due to knowing I had a choice, and it was the knowing I had to make a decision that really caused a lot of the anxiety. I also felt like “my god I’ve not thought this through what was I thinking”, and as awful as it sounds now, I hoped for a miscarriage as this was the “way out for me”. Now to think that just shocks me so much and makes me realise how much I was not in my right mind.

change in life does also really effect me, and it’s a huge change.
ive increased my anxiety medication from today - I’ve been having really low low moments since the pregnancy, and the medication has numbed that a bit.
its crazy to me how scared I am of my mind right now if that makes sense.
I have my first therapy session tomoroew and the GP has referred me for their councelling.
my main anxiety now is that a) il have to go through this again b) I won’t be able to be a mother

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Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 21:56

@Chestnut12 can I ask, where you scared to try after you got married? Do you think it helped that DD was planned? X

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Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 21:58

@Mumuser124 I’m sorry you went through this, thank you for sharing - how did you find the strength to push through the anxiety? How was it after birth? X

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Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 22:00

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow thank you for sharing, It’s nice to hear a positive about it being okay the next time

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Original poster

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 22:02

@ImDuranDuran thanks for sharing - with your first pregnancy you mention where the anxiety came up and went by the 12 weeks scan, what sort of things were taking over your thoughts? X

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strongtsandcs · 05/07/2023 22:28

Chestnut12 · 05/07/2023 19:45

I meant to say that sometimes, you really can’t push through, especially when you have more work to do to understand your anxiety a bit more. So I totally understand your decision to terminate. I think you did the right thing to relieve your anxiety, now it’s your chance to really focus on your mental health and get yourself into a good place before trying again. This doesn’t mean that you won’t ever have children and it doesn’t mean the anxiety will come back if you do fall pregnant again. The GP would be a good place to start, maybe for some medication and CBT therapy.

Abort your baby to relieve anxiety but a couple of days after you feel like you made a mistake...... how is that the "right thing"?

strongtsandcs · 05/07/2023 22:32

Faithb123 · 05/07/2023 21:55

@Chestnut12 thank you so much for your help and advice.
my initial thoughts were “wow, I can get pregnant. This was meant to be” and 36 hours later it was absolute terror and I think I was saying “I can’t do this, I don’t want this inside me, I want to do so much more, this isn’t right, I don’t want this” but looking back from a calmer place, that was my anxiety talking. I was also very torn due to knowing I had a choice, and it was the knowing I had to make a decision that really caused a lot of the anxiety. I also felt like “my god I’ve not thought this through what was I thinking”, and as awful as it sounds now, I hoped for a miscarriage as this was the “way out for me”. Now to think that just shocks me so much and makes me realise how much I was not in my right mind.

change in life does also really effect me, and it’s a huge change.
ive increased my anxiety medication from today - I’ve been having really low low moments since the pregnancy, and the medication has numbed that a bit.
its crazy to me how scared I am of my mind right now if that makes sense.
I have my first therapy session tomoroew and the GP has referred me for their councelling.
my main anxiety now is that a) il have to go through this again b) I won’t be able to be a mother

Was your partner supportive in saying you can do this? Or did he leave it all up to you to make the decision? Did he show a strong desire for you to keep the baby? Did you seek any medical help for your anxiety?

Chestnut12 · 08/07/2023 08:48

@Faithb123 how are you doing today? In answer to your question - I think it did help that dd was planned. I also had a couple of friends that were also trying or very early in pregnancy, so that helped me too. When I got pregnant the first time, I felt like oh gosh I’m not ready, no one else is having babies now (in my circle) and it all felt overwhelming. When we tried I was also in a much more settled place - wedding was done, work wasn’t too stressful and we had settled in our new house. So I think those things helped too. I don’t there is ever a perfect time to have a baby because it is so huge. But when you are an anxious person it helps to have other areas of life under control.

I hope you are feeling ok this weekend. Try to remember that thoughts like “I won’t be able to be a mum” are just unhelpful thoughts - it’s not a prediction or a truth. Do you mind me asking roughly how old you are? Hopefully this weekend brings you some peace xxxx