Being bridesmaid... with a newborn?!

[BagelO]

Hello all
My lovely friend asked me to be bridesmaid earlier this year. I am now pregnant which didn't take as long as expected (so we are very blessed) and of course regardless, we did not want to put off TTC because of this (I don't think this is selfish)

I am due mid feb and the wedding is 4 weeks after. Still early days pregnancy wise.

I told my friend straight away as I can imagine how stressful wedding planning is - we sort of agreed I'd become a guest instead and we'd work out exact logistics closer (if I come alone / with partner / stay over etc)

She then said a little while after if I am coming , why don't I just be bridesmaid. She is being super accomodating (I am so grateful for this!!) has said I can miss some pictures, have my baby all day there and also at the getting ready. This is really lovely and she didn't have to offer this.

My issues and worries though are...

1. The dress. The material is a silk tight material and I am already overweight(pre pregnancy). we have to buy our own and I have no idea what size I am going to be or how I look . The dresses go up to a size 18 but have no give. I am terrified of even the biggest size won't fit.
2. I am going to be pushing for a planned c section due to a medical condition so have no idea how I'll be feeling recovery wise.
3. If I don't get my C-section and go over due. It'll be even closer to the date.
4. I want to breastfeed - the dress will not allow for this. this is my first aswell so I don't know how easy this will be to juggle around baby and duties (iv never been a bridesmaid either)

not sure if it's relevant but we are in a hot country and will likely be around 35 degrees sunshine!

I am getting super anxious as I don't want to let my friend down but I also clueless and don't know what to expect therefore a lot is 'what if'
I need to make a decision so I can speak with her and not mess around . She really has gone above and beyond in her offers to me.
Lots of things are booked , hair , makeup etc and we are about to order the dresses. I had hinted re maybe waiting till after my 12 week scan to make formal decisions but things do need to be in advance unfortunately.

Just looking for opinions on those who may know more about having newborns and /or being a bridesmaid - what they would suggest doing?

Absolutely don’t be a bridesmaid. I wouldn’t even go as a guest with a baby that young. You have no idea how you’ll feel.

You're not being selfish at all. I took newborn twins (as a guest but a close family member and DH was a groomsman) to a wedding last year and I remember stressing a lot in advance.

There are lots you can do in advance to plan. Is the wedding at a venue (ie a hotel so you can nip back to the hotel room if needed for a change or to give baby a break if needed)

It's very kind of your friend to want you so involved but I do totally understand your concerns and I was the same and I worried for months about the wedding.

I'd say if possible, ask your friend if you can attend in the capacity as a guest as it clearly is stressing you out. The truth is, you won't know how you're feeling until the day and at 4 weeks you're unlikely to have any real routine with baby, they could sleep most of the day or you may have a baby who needs almost constant feeding. If you feel confident enough you could always suggest that you do a reading at the service of some kind, so you're still part of the big day but not needing to be so present and available for photos and other duties.

x

Thank her for offering and.being accomodating but just go as a guest. So you can wear what you feel comfortable in and join in with as much or as little as you like. She has been very kind however I assume she doesn't have children and understand the realities of having a 4 week old baby? (Possibly younger!)

The big one for me is expecting to breast feed a 4 weeks old the baby as much and as often as they need, in a dress that you'll have to fully take off to get your boob out! They might be cluster feeding. At 4 weeks I was probably feeding at least every 2 hours for 30 - 40 minutes at a time.

If you can't breast feed baby on demand, then your boobs will get engorged (again not good in a tight dress!) And possibly leak too......

You'll also still be healing yourself.

I'm not saying don't go (I would) but it will be stressful enough just going with such a small baby, don't add the extra pressure of having to dress a certain way and do specific things at specific times. Babies wait for no one!

I’m posting for moral support as I’m in the exact same situation. My due date is today (still no sign of baby!) and my best friend’s wedding is on 25th July. I’m the maid of honour.
I’m not putting massive pressure on myself and am going to just see how I feel. Everyone has told me this is a terrible idea, I’ll never be able to do it, etc., but I also love my friend and want to be there for her special day… it’s a tough one! Luckily, parents on both sides are really supportive, willing to travel with us to be nearby and look after the baby if necessary (wedding is an hour and half from where we live), and my plan is to do the day, stay for the first dance, then head home.
Again, this could all change but I’m remaining optimistic. Sorry there’s no real advice but I just want you to know that you aren’t the only one in this boat.

it would be a no from me- but so
lovely of your friend to try and accommodate.
realistically- your baby could be cluster feeding, you’ll be shattered, the idea of having to pull myself together to play a role in a wedding would have pushed me over the edge.

It really is so sweet of her to be so accommodating and to still want you so involved but realistically it’ll be much more achievable for you to attend as ‘just’ a guest. I’d be as clear as I could that I appreciated all the adjustments she was willing to make but that I would feel more comfortable and less frazzled if I could go without the responsibility of being bridesmaid.

Really nice of her but I'd just go as a guest. Far too stressful otherwise.

Thanks all so far!
I guess I was worried if I was being dramatic and should I such it up. The last thing I want to do is fall out or make her upset / stressed .

none of my friends have breast fed (all bottle) and I have only just started researching so the logistics are all brand new.

friend doesn't have children no, and wedding is child free overall.

it's a small venue and we had already booked a room so I'm able to nip in and out but yes, I'd like a dress for the day that I don't have to completely take off (I actually think I'd need someone to zip this up and down)

I am going to ask her for a proper chat about it and just explain .
Wish these things didn't have to be sorted so far in advance 😰but the sooner the better I think so she can count me out and cancel the things booked for me (hair/makeup)

@Hoppyhops that sounds a very similar situation so I sympathise - especially as maid of honour! Glad your parents can help out and hoping baby comes smoothly for you soon 🤗

Just a thought, but do you have to cancel the hair/make up? For me, one of the best parts of bridesmaiding is all getting ready together before the wedding. Depending on logistics, you could suggest to her that you go as a guest (so you can wear what you feel comfy and able to breastfeed in) but you still get ready with the other bridesmaids. She gets to hang with you a bit before the big event, you get some pampering but can still relax and feed baby as needed. Might be a nice compromise.

@elepants I'd only say to cancel this as she is paying. I don't feel like I can ask her to pay as a non - bridesmaid and I cannot afford it unfortunately .

The room was already over £100 and partner needs to take a day off work (it's a Friday)

Ah, yeah I get it. Weddings can be so expensive! In that case definitely go as a guest. You can get some really lovely breastfeeding-friendly dresses. Hope you have a fab time when it comes!

@elepants yes asos even has some lovely ones that could work! And having the room is making me feel comfortable.

id love to be pampered by the glam squad but yes unfortunately that might put me in CF category 😂

I think you definitely need to plan for the fact you could give birth much later.

My first was 13 days overdue, I think its quite common with first borns to go over.

Then hospital kept us in a couple of days.

I was struggling to sit down/ healing from stitches and still bleeding quite heavily for at least a week after that.

I could have just about made a wedding in this time frame but would want the least amount of stress on obligations possible. I was a zombie and living on just a couple of hours sleep everynight.

Physically 4 weeks on from a csection I would have been okay to walk etc. I wasn’t in day to day pain. I went to a wedding at about 6 weeks and the one thing I said I’d struggle with was not being able to dance because it felt a bit early to attempt anything like that 🙈 If you could book a room and either get your partner or mum or someone to be in the room with baby then you’d be able to nip in and out or have them bring baby to you back and forwards. A newborn does sleep for a big chunk of the day so for a lot of it you’ll be available to have pictures etc but my husband took our baby out before the ceremony and speeches because I was so on edge that he might cry. You might be better getting someone to keep baby at the first bit, nip out to see them before pictures then again before speeches/meal. Someone could even go a walk with the pram while you’re getting pictures taken.

It will be stressful and probably the dress is your biggest issue as it’s so unpredictable. You do lose a lot of fluid after a section but only 4 weeks on you’re still feeling a bit rubbish in yourself. The breastfeeding thing would be fine if you had a private room to go to for feeds. If you’re buying your own dress and the whole thing ends up a nightmare I’m sure she would understand if you said after the baby was born that you’ll just be a guest instead

Also with the bleeding thing you could wear big shorts under your dress or the Spanx type ones with underwear (and a pad) underneath. That’s what I did at 6 weeks because I was very conscious of the fact I was still bleeding a bit

@Itsapurplepanda I do have my partner to help thankfully. Unfortunately no parents nearby 😟plane trip so it's not possible.
He can defo take baby away though if needed .
Small venue also means are bedroom is super close!

yeah I agree the dress is biggest issue . It needs to be ordered soon as the place constantly changes the styles/colours so we all need to order similar times . It's about £300 and I have no clue how I am going to look or what size 😔I doubt I'll have time for alterations.

I am more than happy to juggle being a guest and support extra where I can but yeah it's just going to be to difficult to bridesmaid I think unfortunately and these comments have really made me feel even stronger.

I can't wait till after babies born as that really would be messing her around at short notice 🙁

The dress goes up to size 18. What size are you now? Assume that you are going to be the same size at the wedding as you will be when hust about to give birth. Best to raise that one quickly - if it's a deal breaker for her then it might make the rest of the convo easier.

As your friend doesn't have children you're going to need to spell out to her all the considerations (and the fact that you might only have given birth 2 weeks before the wedding) and that your attention is going to be entirely on your baby.

I would say no to being a bridesmaid. Far too unpredictable and better for the bride to not have the uncertainty. Just say you will attend the wedding as a guest if you can, even for a bit, but it will be a last minute decision

“As your friend doesn't have children you're going to need to spell out to her all the considerations”
this is so patronising. You don’t need to have kids to understand the realities of a newborn. I don’t have kids and I completely understood the situation of my bridesmaid who had a baby.

I was a BM in very similar circumstances. 4wk old, 13mth old, overseas wedding.

It was great. My friend was amazing and accommodating and whilst I wasn’t propping up the bar at 4am with the die hards I was so glad I could be part of her special day.

@Whataretheodds I am a 14/16 now but big busted (e cup) therefore the silk type material is a worry with absolutely no give. I would never usually choose that type of material so I'd assume I could even possibly be a size up now for boob allowance.

You said the wedding is a plane ride away, will you need passports? You might be pushing it to get a passport for the baby in 4 weeks

@SeaToSki sorry for confusion - I ment my parents are not local to me and a plane ride away so we have no extra family help unfortunately .

😮

The logistics of all of that will be a right pain in the arse OP. It's better to say no now than have to plan for the unknown and drop her in it.

Stick to your guns.