Being bridesmaid... with a newborn?!

[BagelO]

Hello all
My lovely friend asked me to be bridesmaid earlier this year. I am now pregnant which didn't take as long as expected (so we are very blessed) and of course regardless, we did not want to put off TTC because of this (I don't think this is selfish)

I am due mid feb and the wedding is 4 weeks after. Still early days pregnancy wise.

I told my friend straight away as I can imagine how stressful wedding planning is - we sort of agreed I'd become a guest instead and we'd work out exact logistics closer (if I come alone / with partner / stay over etc)

She then said a little while after if I am coming , why don't I just be bridesmaid. She is being super accomodating (I am so grateful for this!!) has said I can miss some pictures, have my baby all day there and also at the getting ready. This is really lovely and she didn't have to offer this.

My issues and worries though are...

1. The dress. The material is a silk tight material and I am already overweight(pre pregnancy). we have to buy our own and I have no idea what size I am going to be or how I look . The dresses go up to a size 18 but have no give. I am terrified of even the biggest size won't fit.
2. I am going to be pushing for a planned c section due to a medical condition so have no idea how I'll be feeling recovery wise.
3. If I don't get my C-section and go over due. It'll be even closer to the date.
4. I want to breastfeed - the dress will not allow for this. this is my first aswell so I don't know how easy this will be to juggle around baby and duties (iv never been a bridesmaid either)

not sure if it's relevant but we are in a hot country and will likely be around 35 degrees sunshine!

I am getting super anxious as I don't want to let my friend down but I also clueless and don't know what to expect therefore a lot is 'what if'
I need to make a decision so I can speak with her and not mess around . She really has gone above and beyond in her offers to me.
Lots of things are booked , hair , makeup etc and we are about to order the dresses. I had hinted re maybe waiting till after my 12 week scan to make formal decisions but things do need to be in advance unfortunately.

Just looking for opinions on those who may know more about having newborns and /or being a bridesmaid - what they would suggest doing?

Don't be a bridesmaid. The truth is that with a newborn, your priorities will be and have to be 100% to them. If you are a bridesmaid, you'll have duties. Suppose your child has a temperature on the day? Or has medical issues. Or kept you awake all night for three nights in a row? Or cluster feeds? No way can you focus for five minutes on gliding down the aisle and caring about holding her flowers when your boobs are leaking and your baby is screaming in the back pew etc. Go as a guest.

@SoWhatEh you are so right. I just worried if I was just being , well, a worrier haha!

It's an outside wedding in probably 35 degrees so luckily no pew but I think I am going to be dripping with sweat trying to sweaty breastfeed haha 😁

If it’s a relaxed smallish wedding abroad I’d say do it. You can explain you’ll get another dress in the same colour if you need to change later on for feeding and you’ll do your best. Dresses can be altered to allow detachable straps etc or pockets to feed in.

If it’s a huge formal church thing lasting 4hours and 1000 guests then maybe not. But she sounds a great friend

Er I think you do.
I foolishly agree to be a bridesmaid when DS was 10 weeks. It was tough and I think the bride was disappointed that I wasn't " more present". She had absolutely not a clue and to be fair why should she have ?

It's quite big in terms of numbers - not abroad we live here (outside the uk)
It's outdoors then a cocktail type with canapés etc no sit down meal.

not 1000 but maybe 150?

she is such a lovely friend , I am so lucky and I think that's why I'm sad to let her down!

Agree with PP, go but don't be a bridesmaid. I went to a wedding 5 weeks postpartum and although I was relatively fine healing wise, my baby was definitely not running as per the order of the day. I missed some of the ceremony due to crying, he pooed all over himself just as we sat down to dinner, and then did his normal witching hour meltdown during the first dance. Even with DH there, as a first time parent I couldn't have been a bridesmaid and focused on what was needed in that role as well as looked after the baby. And I was bottle feeding so easier in the not having to have my boobs out the whole time kinda of way, but still a bit of a faff.

That said, everyone was absolutely buzzing to meet him and for much of the day he was being held by someone else, and then hastily given back when he kicked off haha. So it was a really lovely experience and I hope you still have an amazing time even if you're not a bridesmaid!

I was a bridesmaid for a friend when my baby was 10 days old, post C-section, I probably wouldn't rush to do it again, but glad I made the effort. Wedding was meant to be the previous year, but didn't happen due to covid, they wanted to wait until they could have more people. I found an amazing seamstress that was happy to do alterations last minute. I'm only 5ft tall, so I needed length taking up but couldn't do it when I was pregnant. Luckily the dress was breast feeding friendly. I think DH found the whole thing far more stressful then I did, especially during the church when i sat with the bridal party, and he was left with DS who at that age, only wants his mother. By 4 weeks you should have a little more routine. The bride was very understanding, and great about the whole thing. I think (and I'm sure in your case to) she will just be glad that you can make some of it, and probably won't expect you to be there all day. I'm sure everybody will love meeting your baby. In terms of being a bridemaids, I was there in a dress and attended some of the photos, I didn't do all 'duties'. As long as there's somewhere that you can easily sneak off to to feed, and have a helper close by (DH in my case) you should be fine.

@SJW58 wow you are a superstar!!!
you must have crazy stamina haha!

this dress is unfortunately not Bf friendly 😫I don't even think I'll be able to zip it on and off by myself . I am also worried incase the largest size available doesn't fit post birth as it's a skin tight material silk no give . I wish I just had more time 😥

One of my bridesmaids had a 10 day old baby and they’d only got out of hospital about a week before.

It was a quite chilled wedding - we were all staying on site, wedding was in the afternoon and we didn’t have tightly scheduled anything (did own hair and make up etc). She did end up wearing the original dress but we had agreed she would wear something else vaguely wedding appropriate if it hadn’t fitted. Tiny babies are pretty quiet and portable…

I think if you are really keen to do it then have an honest conversation with her about the bits you feel are obstacles (I am with you on the dress - eg could you do a wrap or plunge neck jersey dress - easy to breastfeed in - with a silky shawl to match you in with the other bridesmaids?)

@Calmestofallthechickens that is really accomodating of you!
can I ask what happened to the dress if not worn? I didn't want to spend hundreds then not even wear it 😥such a waste especially on maternity pay. I did say re the Dress but she said as long as same material /colour but it's not a standard colour . There really such little time (and money!) for me to be ordering multiple dresses and trying them so close that match the brief.

There is a tight early schedule for makeup / hair etc for this wedding plus all matching heels . I don't even wear heels at the best of times. Haha.
The more I think the more I get myself anxious and find reasons to worry!

If you push for a C section would it be around your due date or would it require to be earlier (I'm not sure what condition you have).
My first came 3 weeks early as she was growing small so she was 8 weeks when I was bridesmaid for my sister in law. I bought a dress and had it altered (I bought it in the next size up and it was far too big but you couldn't tell where the seemstress worked her magic)
The beauty of my dress was that it was a multi-way so easy access for feeding.
I also had a vaginal birth so I can't compare re c section. The women I know who have had planned c sections have recovered quicker than emergency c sections (that is a very small sample) so I'm not sure about recovery.

I did enjoy getting my make up professionally done (first time ever as my mam done my make up for my wedding) as I was a bit sleep deprived.

All in all it was a lovely chilled day...

From what your describing I would be worried about feeding in a dress, the heat (I don't do well in heat).

Also there was no pressure from my sis in law to be involved.
I had my make up done last as I was sorting the baby out and I fed her before the ceremony! Then carried her down the aisle making my BIL blubber! 🤣❤️

@BagelO if she hadn’t have worn it she would just have kept it and hopefully worn it another time - we did choose a style that was very forgiving, and I paid for the dresses - I don’t blame you in not wanting to shell out yourself on something the bride wants that isn’t going to be practical.

also as an aside because you mentioned shoes - your feet may actually be bigger after having the baby - this is not made up, they actually permanently grow - my feet are huge now and my youngest is 3.

I think how feasible it is very much depends on how flexible the plans are - it sounds like the bridesmaid role is quite a demanding one in this case, and I don’t think you need to feel bad declining if they can’t make allowances.

Hang on....you have to buy your own bridesmaid dress? And its £300?

She is telling you to spend 300 on a very specific dress to wear?!

OP read your posts back to yourself. Is this really what you want to be focused on 2-4 weeks after you give birth?

It doesn't make you less of a friend to 'just' go as a guest. You could even go an hang out with yer while she gets ready, but with the flexibility to choose a dress and shoes that will be comfortable and practical, and the option to sleep later, and tend to your new baby.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I've just realised that too!
When I said in my post that I bought the dress in a larger size... was that I asked my sister in law to buy it in the larger size

I was bridesmaids for my best friend when DD was 5 weeks old. Her sister who was due to be matron of honour had her baby 3 weeks before the wedding.

Bride was very accommodating and left it up to both of us to decide closer to the time if we wanted to be part of the bridal party or not.

She arranged for final dress fittings a week before the wedding and the dressmaker made breast feeding adjustments for both of us.

Her sister pulled out a week before so I stepped up in to matron of honour.
It was stressful but doable.
I was lucky in that my entire family including my mum and 4 sisters were attending so plenty of help and support with both babies on the day.
A week later DP was best man as his best friends wedding and I actually found that day a lot more stressful as I had to manage with DD mostly on my own for the day.

Don’t feel bad if you want to decline, if she really is a true friend she will understand.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I thought it was pretty standard that bridesmaids put in for their own dress? I know we are it's been talked about and lots of other bridesmaids I know have too.

It's an online shop though so no fittings unfortunately and alterations will have to be sorted by me asap.
I will stress we have NO family help nearby so even getting to alterations place if I can't drive will be a faff with DP back to work

I’ve been bridesmaid 4 times and dress, shoes, make up, hair etc. have always been paid for by bride/ couple. This was 15 - 20 years ago though so maybe it’s different now.

It is absoloutley not standard no. Maybe if the bride says "wear any dress you want" fair enough as you can choose something within your budget, that you love, and can wear again.

Any bride who says "you must wear X dress from Y shop in Z colour and pay 300 for the privilege" is not a friend. Its a dick move.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz sorry this is a probably a whole different subject and debate - I want to state I am not wanting comments to start speaking bad of my friend. I have no issue contributing to the dress in general , just one that might not fit 😊

Your friend sounds nice - they're to make it work for you, regardless of anything anyone is saying about paying for your own dress (I'm in

Sent too soon...(I'm in the don't tell someone what to wear and then make them pay for it camp fwiw)

The first few weeks of newborn life are absolutely the most difficult I've ever experienced. I could barely brush my teeth let alone leave the house, do full hair and make up, wear a form fitting dress etc. And you have no idea if baby will be chill or not, what your recovery will be like etc. If you do decide on C-section you have no idea of you'll be able to move around as usual by 4 weeks. They're a February baby, so you'll be coming out of winter in the long nights, with very little vitamin D to keep you going. It would be a firm thanks but no from me. But it sounds from your post that you kind of know the answer is no already? (Correct me if I'm wrong).

I would take the pressure of myself and my friend and say I'll come as a guest if I can.

By the way, you don't need to push for C-section, you can just ask for one. They shouldn't say no, but if they do you can just ask to see someone who will say yes. It's part of patient choice.

Just decline politely now, you don't want to be stressing over it ... just concentrate on looking forward to your baby's arrival and being a guest at the wedding.

Seriously pull out, anything could happen and you won't be able to do a good "job", you might not even make the wedding