MIL has told her friends I’m pregnant…I haven’t even told my Dad

[BananaOrangeApple]

So we decided to tell our mothers early, my Mum was visiting and the MIL was off on holiday two days after we found out. So we told them, since then I’ve found out she’s told her friend (someone I’ve only met briefly once) I also have a feeling she’s told a few more people. I’m mad I haven’t even told my Dad (we’re waiting for Father’s Day) and I’m only 8 weeks so haven’t even had our NHS scan. Both parents were told explicitly not to tell anyone.

How do I approach this? I feel like she’s disrespected our wishes and I don’t feel happy about strangers knowing i’m pregnant when the people who are closest to me don’t know! I don’t want something to happen like this again. What do I do?

My mother told my sister before I did (after I clearly told her not to tell anyone until after the first scan a couple of weeks later).
Next pregnancy I told her last - after everyone else. Pissed her off but she couldn't really complain could she! Not sure if she learnt her lesson but I learnt mine.

You aren’t upsetting me. I feel sad that I may have let them down.

She was expressly asked not to spread it - and ignored you.

This matters to you (ignore anyone who dismisses that; this is about YOUR feelings).

There will be other things throughout the pregnancy that you'd rather have private, or just the closest people.

And that's where who you trust comes in.

Your DH needs to speak to his mother and stress that if you tell her anything in confidence it stays in confidence.

If she breaks that confidence again, she is last to know anything.

It's about personal boundaries.

Also - are you sure your DH won't tell her private things?

My mother is like this, so now she gets told hardly anything. I didn't announce I was pregnant both times until 12/13 weeks and she was told at the same time as the rest of our close family. For days afterwards she kept messaging to ask if I had told more distant relatives yet, same when I gave birth and it was so annoying. Learn from this that if you don't want your personal news being blabbed about then don't tell her things.

This thread is weeks old

Father's Day has happened

What did he say

How have I created a big drama? What have I done exactly for you to think that?

Our Dads were very happy for us, we’ve still not told everyone we know or work as we’ve not had our first (NHS) scan, we’ve had a private first look one! Looking forward to it not being a secret for much longer!

He already has he’s discussed names with her although we haven’t come up with a definitive list or even know the sex! I didn’t think I’d need to express I’d wanted names to be kept secret but I’ve learned another lesson 🙄apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and all!

I often tell my mum stuff people have told me, to discuss it with someone who doesn't know friend from Adam.

And it's possible if something had gone wrong. Mil would also want someone to discuss that with, rather than her son as she is supporting him/you.

The boundary was set when OP asked MIL not to tell anyone

that’s not a boundary though. Boundaries are not asks/ rules/ instructions/ demands/ ultimatums for other people to follow. Boundaries are about actions you yourself choose to take in a given situation to take care of yourself. They are about what you do, not what other people do.

Make sure that MIL is last to know the sex of the baby. Otherwise half the village will know.

Nice

@Skinthin you're not serious are you? 😂 of course boundaries are about rules and how you expect other people to treat you.

For example, if a pregnant woman says "don't touch my bump", and someone chooses to touch her bump, then they are crossing that boundary.

I'm sorry but asking someone not to tell your extremely personal news to other people is a boundary which MIL clearly crossed in this scenario.

Like I said, we'll have to agree to disagree.
I certainly wouldn't like to be relying on you for anything if you think that boundaries only relate to ourselves and not how we expect other people to treat us.

I remember reading an Alfred Hitchcock book when I was a teenager. He said...

When one person knows, it's a secret.
When two people know, it's no longer a secret.
When three people know, the whole world knows.

It's bad she didn't keep the secret but I guess she's just excited. I don't think you can really stop a father discussing baby names with his mother. It's all part of the joy and excitement of having a baby on the way.

There’s a difference between discussing names and telling her our top choice so far…I don’t want anyone’s opinions ruining our choices.

Not sure what the laughing emoji is about. Or are you incapable of having a conversation without being a passive aggressive a*.

I’m afraid you don’t understand what a boundary is- a boundary is a rule for yourself - not for other people. It’s really important to understand the difference in order to be able to have and maintain healthy relationships. A lot of people misunderstand the meaning of boundaries:

”In simple terms: rules are for others, boundaries are for yourself. Rules are restrictions you put on another person. Boundaries are restrictions you place for yourself to keep yourself from harm.”
https://www.beknowntherapy.com/blog/rules-vs-boundaries#:~:text=Fortunately%2C%20many%20folx%20have%20taken,others%2C%20boundaries%20are%20for%20yourself.&text=Rules%20are%20restrictions%20you%20put,to%20keep%20yourself%20from%20harm.
With regard to your example- if someone touches you without consent - that’s assault.

@Skinthin the laughing emoji was because I genuinely laughed when I read your previous comment out of shock.

There's no need to resort to name calling.

Thank you for providing the link to a therapeutic definition of rules vs boundaries. The thing is, in everyday life lots of people consider boundaries to be about both themselves and others. Perhaps we're not aware of the technical definitions but in my circle of family, friends and colleagues we discuss boundaries as something that applies to both yourself and others.

To use your terminology in the context of this post though, OP set a rule for MIL and that rule was broken. As the pregnant person who was sharing sensitive information I believe she had every right to set that rule.

If you don't then that's fine, we're all entitled to different opinions.

I'm going to stop responding to you now because there's no need to be arguing about a difference of opinion with a random person from the internet.

I hope your day gets better.

Yes I agree , in everyday life people misuse / misunderstand the terminology of boundaries. I think this is really important to correct because the distinction is really important- it’s not just semantics. We always have the right to set boundaries for ourselves; this is not the case for rules we set for others.

In terms of the OP’s situation, I don’t agree she had the right to set this rule. I absolutely think she had the right to ask MIL not to share this information with people who know/ are known to the OP, as this can affect the OP and it’s understandable that OP wants to tell her own people in her own time. I don’t think it was reasonable to set a rule for MIL that she couldn’t share her excitement over becoming a grandma with her own friends in her own time (friends unknown to OP) since that doesn’t actually have any consequences for anyone other than MIL. Since MIL’s friend doesn’t know OP, the news wasn’t really about OP being pregnant (since this is of no consequence or interest to a stranger) , it was about MIL becoming a grandma.
This is just my opinion ofc , and yes anyone is free to disagree.

Noted you won’t be replying and I hope your day gets better too x