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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

MIL has told her friends I’m pregnant…I haven’t even told my Dad

93 replies

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 19:02

So we decided to tell our mothers early, my Mum was visiting and the MIL was off on holiday two days after we found out. So we told them, since then I’ve found out she’s told her friend (someone I’ve only met briefly once) I also have a feeling she’s told a few more people. I’m mad I haven’t even told my Dad (we’re waiting for Father’s Day) and I’m only 8 weeks so haven’t even had our NHS scan. Both parents were told explicitly not to tell anyone.

How do I approach this? I feel like she’s disrespected our wishes and I don’t feel happy about strangers knowing i’m pregnant when the people who are closest to me don’t know! I don’t want something to happen like this again. What do I do?

OP posts:
NBLarsen · 13/06/2023 10:33

I do think you are overreacting on this a little. Your MIL didn't tell your dad or your FIL or anyone who knows you or announce it online or do anything that would cause harm. She told one of her friends who you don't even know, probably because she was bursting with joy and pride and excitement that she is going to become a grandma and was just desperate to tell someone about it - she chose someone away from you so as not to cause you harm in it coming back to you.

Enjoy the moment of telling your fathers next week. Let your anger towards MIL go, it's silly. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope all goes well.

jellybe · 13/06/2023 10:38

I would now be telling her nothing about the pregnancy. Not the sex of baby if you find out at 20 weeks, not your due date or when you go into labour. She has shown you that she can't be trusted so don't trust her.

doingthehokeykokey · 13/06/2023 10:59

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 20:51

If something goes wrong it will not! It’s very early still.

If something goes wrong, you’ll want support. I had loads of people talk to me about their losses when I spoke about mine. Some of my mums friends had NEVER talked about it before (in their 60’s/70’s at the time). I appreciate it’s different for everyone, but hiding pregnancy, hides loss and that doesn’t do anyone any good. This is a normal human process.

BlameItOnTheGoose · 13/06/2023 11:03

If the people she's told are strangers to you, as you say, I don't see why it matters at all.

But I get why you're annoyed she ignored your request to keep the info private.

In the grand scheme of things this is not a big deal and if I were you I wouldn't give it another thought. You really need to choose your battles.

recyclemeagain · 13/06/2023 11:07

In the nicest way, if your dad isn't going to speak to the friends of the woman then I don't think it matters as much as you may feel like it does. You are going to feel everything so much more acutely due to being pregnant, I remember getting really annoyed, hurt and/or upset about loads of things while pregnant that on reflection really weren't that big a deal.
I can't tell if it's your mother in law or if it's just your partner's mum. If you aren't married then she isn't your mother in law at least, use this experience as a learning curve and in future just don't tell her things that you don't want shared.
I do get why you're upset, I just don't think it's worth your energy. Hope the announcement to the grandpas goes well on Sunday and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster
BananaOrangeApple · 13/06/2023 11:16

I’m not going to want support off someone I hardly know, who I never speak to…

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaOrangeApple · 13/06/2023 11:19

We’re engaged, a lot of people call them the MIL around me even if you aren’t married. It’s more she’s disrespected our wishes and I don’t want her to do it again with something else. As others have said I think I will have to go down the last to know route from now.

OP posts:
J0S · 13/06/2023 11:20

ModerationInEverything · 12/06/2023 19:04

I wouldn't make a fuss. Just remember in future that she can't be trusted with sensitive information.

This. Now you know you can’t trust her. Act accordingly .

Don’t tell her your due date - tell her a date two weeks later.

Don’t tell her when you go into hospital in labour. tell her once baby is born or you are home and want visitors .

Don’t tell her confidential medical details about your pregnancy.

Don’t tell her the names you are planning for your baby. Tell her once you have decided.

lucylousweetie · 27/06/2023 10:49

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 20:24

It matters because I don’t want strangers knowing intimate details of my life.

Trust me when I say

they really really really won’t care

Original poster
BananaOrangeApple · 27/06/2023 11:47

I care, it’s my life.

OP posts:
tb4122 · 30/06/2023 13:20

The thing is, it's not about whether the person who was told cares or not. It's about setting a boundary and having it trampled on. It's knowing that you're going to have to deal with this crap over and over because they've shown you who they are. And that you'll always be made out to be the unreasonable one because they're always "just excited" or "just concerned".

As soon as I got pregnant I feel like I just because the "incubator of a grandchild" to my MIL, my feelings didn't count any more. Right now I'm the worst person in the world because she doesn't agree with baby led weaning and hasn't been able to bully me into changing how I'm doing it.

It does matter, because it's not just about this one thing.

Ged94 · 30/06/2023 14:22

With my first pregnancy I told my brother out of my family first when I was about 9 weeks (he is the godfather) and told him not to tell anyone. I don't think it was malicious but he clearly didn't take it in/ was too excited and when I next spoke to him told me he'd only told 9 of his closest friends. I thought it was amusing. He denied being instructed to keep it to himself

Skinthin · 30/06/2023 14:40

I mean if you don’t know the person she told, does it really matter? 💁🏼‍♀️

Original poster
BananaOrangeApple · 30/06/2023 17:35

Yes

OP posts:
Skinthin · 01/07/2023 09:27

BananaOrangeApple · 30/06/2023 17:35

Yes

Why though? It Just sounds like you are creating a big drama about nothing.
Your MIL is excited she is going to be a grandma and told one of her friends. You don’t know that friend and they don’t know you, so what do you think is about to happen? It’s about as informative as learning another person (that you don’t know) has two arms. you are not the first women to get pregnant and it’s really of no consequence to anyone who isn’t close to you or the baby.

nizo1245 · 01/07/2023 09:58

@Skinthin it's about boundaries.
It doesn't matter that she doesn't know the person who has been told. Her MIL proved that she can't be trusted with sensitive information.

Skinthin · 01/07/2023 10:07

nizo1245 · 01/07/2023 09:58

@Skinthin it's about boundaries.
It doesn't matter that she doesn't know the person who has been told. Her MIL proved that she can't be trusted with sensitive information.

A lot of people misunderstand what a boundary is. Boundaries are not about trying to control what other people do- this is futile.

MIL was excited about being a grandma. She told her friend. This is of no consequence to the OP since it doesn’t affect her life one little iota.

MissingMoominMamma · 01/07/2023 10:14

I hope this wasn’t me 😔. I did what your MIL did. I told my friend because I was so excited. My friend doesn’t know my DIL and I know she won’t say anything. If it was me, I’m really sorry 😔.

standardduck · 01/07/2023 10:18

That's annoying, OP.

I would let it go and not say anything, but would not share anything private that I don't want to be shared with others with her again.

doingthehokeykokey · 01/07/2023 11:32

Skinthin · 01/07/2023 10:07

A lot of people misunderstand what a boundary is. Boundaries are not about trying to control what other people do- this is futile.

MIL was excited about being a grandma. She told her friend. This is of no consequence to the OP since it doesn’t affect her life one little iota.

Show quote history

Exactly, but some people like to control everything.

nizo1245 · 01/07/2023 11:46

@Skinthin I think we have to agree to disagree.
The boundary was set when OP asked MIL not to tell anyone. If she can't keep a secret then she can't be trusted, simple as that.

Tourmalines · 01/07/2023 11:48

NBLarsen · 13/06/2023 10:33

I do think you are overreacting on this a little. Your MIL didn't tell your dad or your FIL or anyone who knows you or announce it online or do anything that would cause harm. She told one of her friends who you don't even know, probably because she was bursting with joy and pride and excitement that she is going to become a grandma and was just desperate to tell someone about it - she chose someone away from you so as not to cause you harm in it coming back to you.

Enjoy the moment of telling your fathers next week. Let your anger towards MIL go, it's silly. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope all goes well.

This

overwork · 01/07/2023 11:52

@MissingMoominMamma were you asked not to tell anyone? If so, why did you decide it was fine to disregard that?
I get you being excited, but you'd still have been excited to tell people in a few weeks when your son and daughter in law were ready

MissingMoominMamma · 01/07/2023 12:12

overwork · 01/07/2023 11:52

@MissingMoominMamma were you asked not to tell anyone? If so, why did you decide it was fine to disregard that?
I get you being excited, but you'd still have been excited to tell people in a few weeks when your son and daughter in law were ready

They are in a different country. They said they weren’t telling people yet because it’s so early and they wanted to make sure everything was ok. I told my friend because I was excited, and concerned. She doesn’t know my DIL and wouldn’t tell anyone else. I just wanted someone to talk to.

It didn’t feel like disregarding their wishes… until I read this 😔.

overwork · 01/07/2023 12:17

I'm sorry to upset you but personally I think you were, it was a simple request. Hopefully she never finds out and no one is ever any the wiser.
You're definitely not my mother in law anyway, she was also asked to keep quiet until I told my Dad and I forgot to let her know that I had - 3 weeks later she text to ask if she could tell her best friend as she was bursting Grin