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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

MIL has told her friends I’m pregnant…I haven’t even told my Dad

93 replies

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 19:02

So we decided to tell our mothers early, my Mum was visiting and the MIL was off on holiday two days after we found out. So we told them, since then I’ve found out she’s told her friend (someone I’ve only met briefly once) I also have a feeling she’s told a few more people. I’m mad I haven’t even told my Dad (we’re waiting for Father’s Day) and I’m only 8 weeks so haven’t even had our NHS scan. Both parents were told explicitly not to tell anyone.

How do I approach this? I feel like she’s disrespected our wishes and I don’t feel happy about strangers knowing i’m pregnant when the people who are closest to me don’t know! I don’t want something to happen like this again. What do I do?

OP posts:

overwork · 12/06/2023 19:51

It doesn't really matter that other people on here think it's 'daft' to wait for certain days or don't see the issue. The poster wanted to do things her way and MiL has completely ignored her wishes. I don't know what I what do about it but I do know that my trust in my MiL would be broken.
For what it's worth we told our 3 sets of parents at different times due to geography, each of the 2 sets told before the the third set knew they couldn't tell anyone until then, and they respected our wishes because fully grown adults can usually manage to do that for a couple of weeks

olympicsrock · 12/06/2023 19:52

I understand OP. Your plan is lovely. MIL is a loud mouth who can’t be trusted with secrets on the future.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 19:52

You can let your mother-in-law know that she is now permanently on your Last to Know Anything list. You simply can't trust her, and if she had any respect for you whatsoever, she never would have opened her fat mouth.

Original poster

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 19:54

I can tell who I want in whatever order. There were reasons we told the Mums but i’m not justifying it because I don’t need to.

OP posts:

drpet49 · 12/06/2023 19:58

DappledThings · 12/06/2023 19:07

Just call your Dad. Waiting for Father's Day is a bit daft.

Who are you to say it is daft 🙄

DappledThings · 12/06/2023 20:00

drpet49 · 12/06/2023 19:58

Who are you to say it is daft 🙄

Show quote history

I'm a random person on an internet chat forum! Why, who are you? 😂

Seas164 · 12/06/2023 20:00

The way to make sure something like this doesn't happen again, is to deal with her as though she can't keep her mouth shut when asked to do so.

Original poster

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 20:21

She’s not in contact with my dad and she’s divorced from the FIL. So she’d really have to go out her way to ruin that!

OP posts:

Original poster

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 20:24

It matters because I don’t want strangers knowing intimate details of my life.

OP posts:

continentallentil · 12/06/2023 20:25

ModerationInEverything · 12/06/2023 19:04

I wouldn't make a fuss. Just remember in future that she can't be trusted with sensitive information.

This

doingthehokeykokey · 12/06/2023 20:40

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 20:24

It matters because I don’t want strangers knowing intimate details of my life.

It’ll all be public soon enough.

Original poster

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 20:51

If something goes wrong it will not! It’s very early still.

OP posts:

CatchThatBallOfFire · 12/06/2023 20:53

I get it OP, it was your news to share and you specifically asked the people you told not to share that information just yet. I found out I was pregnant when I was with a friend, I did a pregnancy test not ever believing it would be positive (told I would need ivf) and she sat on that information for months. Never told anyone.

From now on I would just not tell MIL things that you don't want to get out. Hopefully your Dh is on your side on this and if she ever says she never gets told anything I would be very honest about why.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/06/2023 20:54

Your DH needs to speak to her and tell her how disappointed you both are that she has breached your trust in this way.

Then tell her nothing in future that you don’t want shared. If she asks about names “ we are only discussing that with people who have shown they won’t breach our trust. We will let you know when baby arrives “.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/06/2023 20:55

I’d tell him now. My stepdad would probably have been upset if I had told my mum some time before telling him.

Original poster

BananaOrangeApple · 12/06/2023 20:57

No, we’re sticking to our original plan. Our Dad’s respect us and our decisions and won’t care we’ve told our Mums first.

OP posts:

tb4122 · 12/06/2023 21:00

Mine did the same thing. We only told her so early as it was Mother's Day, asked that it was kept quiet as I was only 6 weeks and within an hour loads of people knew. She even said to another family member we saw that day that "we had something to tell them" and although we tried to say no, it's nothing, there's only so many things it could have been so we were put on the spot and had to tell them. She badgered and badgered my DP to tell her the sex of the baby on the day of our scan and we were just enjoying being the only people who knew we were having a little boy, just for a few hours. Now, according to her, we're weaning him wrong, so less will be getting shared with her now.

If we have another baby my preference would be to first mention it to her sometime around 4 weeks after it's born.... but we see her regularly so that won't wash.

It's hard OP- it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about who you tell and when, it's your news (and DH) to tell and nobody else's. We missed out on seeing the reaction of so many family members because they already knew and we'll never get that back. I also made it clear early on that while the baby was a new family member for us all, while it resided inside my body I would not be tolerating having my personal medical details discussed, bump touched or my tops pulled up to have a look at my bump (yes that happened).

People who think this stuff is ok unfortunately usually have skin like rhino hide so it's hard to get through.

Shinytaps · 12/06/2023 21:03

My MIL did similar so my DH had a word and she apologised to me. I then made a mental note not to tell her anything again that I didn't want repeated. She has an incurable need to be 'in the know'. I use it to my advantage when I want a message to percolate round the family!

WeightInLine · 12/06/2023 21:06

It’s annoying but it is tiny. TINY in the scheme of things.

Right now you imagine that it is precious information and of course that is true for you for your mum and for MIL. But the circle is really not much bigger of people that care. Just move past it and don’t tell her stuff in the future.

FWIW my mum rang my siblings and told them I’d had DS and his name. Straight after DH had asked her not to so I could. DH laughed - it meant that much to her let her have it.

MammaTo · 12/06/2023 21:12

Whether it’s close to Father’s Day or not isn’t the issue!! It’s the fact MIL has shared personal information she’s been told in confidence.

We all know some secrets get shared but early pregnancy news is a very personal choice on who to tell and MIL has broken this trust.

OP I’d just chalk it up to experience as there isn’t a lot you can do sadly. Don’t try and dwell on it or spoil your perception of MIL when she’s probably going to be over excited all the way through your pregnancy and birth of little one.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 12/06/2023 21:15

Reminds me of the famous Ben Franklin quote:

"Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

It can't be undone now, so I don't see the point of making a huge fuss. Your MIL is one of those people who can't keep a secret, so let that guide you when it comes to sharing information with her in the future. FWIW, she was probably just really, really excited. She shouldn't have done it, but I doubt she meant to hurt your feelings.

Congratulations!

Trina89 · 12/06/2023 21:30

Really annoying. We deliberately didn’t tell my MiL until after our 13 week scan and the results - so around 14 weeks - as we knew our wishes that it was kept quiet until the scan/after the results came back ok wouldn’t be requested. Sure enough, we told her to keep it contained for another six weeks until the 20 week one (which I was so anxious about) but within the hour we had my DH’s extended family calling him and giving him a grilling about the baby. Very annoying…

BUT if we’re lucky enough to have another, we will be keeping it to just us two until 20 weeks. So she spoilt it for herself really. I advise you to do the same with stuff like the baby’s sex, name, photo…. If you want to avoid feeling particularly annoyed again, I strongly advise you make it crystal clear to your husband that YOU will send the first pic - not him. Or it will be the case that the baby’s very first photo your husband took (the one where they’re covered in vernix, bless ‘em) and shared with what he thought was just his parents will have done the rounds around extended family and perhaps even social media 😱 before you’ve even delivered your placenta. 😂 Your husband also needs to tell her how out of order she has been and how you both won’t forget this when it comes to other announcements.

They really don’t seem to realise that we keep it quiet in case something sadly happens. This also needs making clear to her as she clearly doesn’t get it!

But congratulations! Try not to hold a grudge - they get excited as irritating as it is. But just learn from this experience, I would. And do make it clear it wasn’t okay to prevent it from happening in the future. Over communicate with people like this as they like to have a selective memory when we say things like “it’s not okay to share someone else’s pregnancy/birth announcement before they have.”

MisschiefMaker · 13/06/2023 00:04

I would ask DH to be kind but firm and say something along the lines of "I know you are excited and we love that about you, but that was information that was given to you in confidence and we are upset that you shared it with others when we had explicitly asked you to keep it to yourself. The chance of miscarriage in the first trimester is very high, around 1 in 4 or 1 in 5, and we took a risk telling you, now my wife has the added anxiety of knowing her private medical business is common knowledge. My wife's DM has respected our wishes and not told anyone. Furthermore, my wife is now in the uncomfortable situation of having near-strangers know before her own DF knows."

You should also:

NOT discuss baby names with her. If it comes up say something like "we've decided to keep our baby name ideas private".
NOT tell her when the 20 week scan is, only tell her a week or so after it's happened. Partly to teach her a lesson but partly to keep the pressure off you in case the results aren't what you want.
if you find out the sex in advance don't tell her and, if possible make it so she finds out from your DM. That probably sounds a bit mean but it will teach her a lesson and it's important to set firm boundaries sooner rather than later. Some people act like women become public property as soon as they get pregnant. Don't let that happen to you.

Ilovetea42 · 13/06/2023 00:07

I'd be really annoyed too, but I'd leave it to dh to have it out with her- better coming from him than you. It's her own fault if she was expressly told not to share the info.

Congratulations though, try to let it wash over you and just enjoy things. And she no longer gets access to secret or surprise info.

EsmeSusanOgg · 13/06/2023 09:36

She gets put on an info diet now. She finds out last before wider social media etc.

I'd be annoyed. But not say too much straight away. Just don't give her info until you are happy for it to be known wider.

Do watch out for her making birth/ name announcements before you/ DH does (so I really wouldn't let her know when you are in labour/ baby is born until everyone else you want to know knows!).

I say this from experience!

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