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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant at 41 (father doesn’t want a baby rn)

59 replies

HJ82 · 07/06/2023 07:58

Hello
this is my 2nd pregnancy. My DD took 3 years to conceive with my long term partner (even tried ivf). Separated from her father at 1yr old.. Fast forward 3 years and I met a great guy 2 months ago. 3rd time having sex and I’m pregnant. (I know I should have used contraception) 🤦🏻‍♀️ he doesn’t want a baby right now. He’s 30. I’ve told him it’s now or never if he wants to be with me because I won’t be trying in a few years time and he does want a child one day.

he said he’s support my decision but prefers to terminate.I don’t want to trap him so I’ve ended our connection. reality is, if I have this baby I’ll likely be a single mum with 2 kids and two dads. (my worst nightmare tbh)

Already have great coparent situation and I have so much freedom and joy in my life. I’m booked to have the pregnancy terminated (I’m 4weeks) but this decision is so painful. Like it’s my last chance to have a sibling for my girl. But financially in London with no family and the only person who supports me mentally and physically (not financially) is my coparent and obviously he thinks I’d be insane to have a child under these circumstances. I guess I’m just looking for advice and validation of my choice to end the pregnancy.

I’m so torn by this. But having a baby would impact my mental health and finance and freedom in a way I’m not sure I could cope with. If I was with the dad I’d go for it btw…

am I making the right decision? Anyone been here? 😔

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 07/06/2023 08:01

I can't advise you but it is a very hard position and I feel for you. I hope you reach the best decision for you.

LadyBird1973 · 07/06/2023 08:14

I think you have to take his opinion completely out of the equation and do what you think is best for you and your daughter.
At 30, he has plenty of time to have children but you don't. So if you did want another child, this is realistically your best chance. So don't let his reluctance get in the way because you are the one who is pregnant, and you are the one who will have to have either a termination or birth, not him. He's physically divorced from having to do anything. And realistically if you go ahead it's likely you'll be a single mum. So only your opinion should carry any weight.

Whatever you do will have pluses and minuses and it's only the wrong decision if it's not truly yours.

Whataretheodds · 07/06/2023 10:17

Yep, treat him as not in the picture - do you want another child? Is there a way you could make it work?

You might consider booking a couple of counselling sessions to work through this specifically.

Original poster
HJ82 · 07/06/2023 11:55

@Whataretheodds part of me wants another child, yes. But there’s the practical side. I really struggled with those baby years with my first and I had a fully supportive partner. If I had this baby, who would help me? No one. What if I got sick? No one. I can’t ask my ex to take care of his child and this new one when I have a life crisis happening for example. Plus I think of the risks involved having a baby at 41. My last pregnancy was preterm. I struggled physically at 36. Though I’m fitter now at 41. But there seems to be so many practical things stacked against me and feel like it would be selfish to have a baby just because I want one. All my family are abroad. All these factors make me feel I’ve no choice for to terminate. 😔

OP posts:
Summerpetal · 07/06/2023 12:01

3 years on ivf ,and you get pregnant after 3 times no contraception..
I don’t know ,but I’d see that as a sign ,it was meant to be …but I’m always looking for signs things are meant to be.
that’s a nice sibling gap as well ,enough for the older one to understand,and them still to play together.
if you think you will need help ,you could start looking for a childminder and book a few hours a week ,so that you have a childminder in case of emergency ready on stand by.
where there’s a will ,there’s a way

SirVixofVixHall · 07/06/2023 12:02

I agree with pp. At 41 your fertile years are very limited. I saw a GP when I was in my mid thirties, and DH (at the time my boyfriend) was still in his twenties. The GP asked me if I wanted children, I did, but my boyfriend felt too young and not ready. The GP said that the only decision really is do you want a child or not ? Because there is always something wrong with timing. Or the timing can seem perfect but a relationship end.
So I think given your age, that is the decision to make. Do you want another baby, ever ? Because if you do, then maybe this is the baby. It is possible that your boyfriend will get his head round it and you will stay together. (There is an eight year gap between DH and I).

Shhhquirrel · 07/06/2023 12:04

Summerpetal · 07/06/2023 12:01

3 years on ivf ,and you get pregnant after 3 times no contraception..
I don’t know ,but I’d see that as a sign ,it was meant to be …but I’m always looking for signs things are meant to be.
that’s a nice sibling gap as well ,enough for the older one to understand,and them still to play together.
if you think you will need help ,you could start looking for a childminder and book a few hours a week ,so that you have a childminder in case of emergency ready on stand by.
where there’s a will ,there’s a way

This

You absolutely do have a choice OP wishing you all the very best.

Gabbies · 07/06/2023 12:05

As someone who had to terminate a pregnancy it’s not an easy decision and it still upsets me to this day. I thought about the what it and how will be cope with x,y,z but my heart wanted that baby. It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and causes me so much sadness. I wish I had thought it through more and talked my options through with doctors more.

While every situation is different I wouldn’t terminate in your shoes.

Summerpetal · 07/06/2023 12:07

Meant to say as well ,..the baby daddy may come round ,,you say he wants children eventually..well ,9 months time is eventually..
he may surprise you ,especially as you have already taken all demands of him .
very few people can resist a new born once it’s here ,and your older child’s dad sounds like an ace bloke ,I bet he would help u in a emergency.
good luck xx

Original poster
HJ82 · 07/06/2023 12:14

Also adding that I love my freedom. I go out, do bottomless brunches, gigs festivals etc etc. I’ve a beautiful child already and I can go from devoted mother to solo fun with the girlies at the drop of a hat. It sounds selfish but if I have this baby, I may say goodbye to ME. My lifestyle. My joy in a sense (my self love joy). I’d feel I’d just be a mum and a mum only. And fear that may result in depression etc.

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 07/06/2023 12:20

You have every right to a termination if you want it, you have that choice as you rightfully should. However, it is a hard choice, hard even for those that are sure it's what they want.

You don't sound to me like you want it. You sound backed into a corner by everyone saying they won't help you.

At 41 this is probably your only chance. If you want another baby, then you can do this. There are many single mums of 2 out there. Might not be easy, but it's possible. You say having this baby will affect your daughters life, but so will not having this baby. Yes, you need to consider the impact of a sibling on your child (both potentially good and bad!), but having a termination has a life-long impact on you and your mental health and that will also affect your daughter.

Also, you're 41 - at your age I'm afraid around 40% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and you're still very early. It may be a decision taken out of your hands.

Don't make any rash decisions, give yourself time. And good luck whatever you decide x

Gabbies · 07/06/2023 12:25

Have you spoken to bpas and ask for some counselling? That would be the next logical step for me

Mbop · 07/06/2023 12:53

In your position I'd terminate.

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/06/2023 13:11

Mbop · 07/06/2023 12:53

In your position I'd terminate.

Always see these comments, like a termination is a solve all.

A termination is a huge deal with life long emotional trauma associated, even when you are very sure of the decision.

I'm pro-choice. OP should have the choice. In certain situations it would be a choice I would make. But don't treat it like a throw away all sorted solution.

You'll see people pregnant and think you could have been that stage, or see someone with 2 kids and wonder what could have been. Wonder who they would have been. It can still hurt, even while knowing you made the right choice for you. It's a choice you should have the chance to make, but it's a choice you carry. How much it hurts can depend on why you made the choice. Those who weren't sure or made it because they felt backed into a corner will often struggle more than those who made the choice for themselves and were absolutely sure.

Original poster
HJ82 · 07/06/2023 13:28

@HowcanIhelp123 yeah I’m making the choice for me. I struggle mentally with one child and a lot of the time her dad has her or is helping. Having a baby with no support might actually destroy me. I’m fairly certain it’s the right choice for my mental health. I’m not very maternal. As much as I adore my daughter I was always adamant I was one and done. But obvs this is still a very difficult decision because now it’s here I’m struggling with the whatiffs. But I have to be a realist!

OP posts:
ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 07/06/2023 13:36

Agree with Mbop

You already have 1, your child does not need a sibling and also think about them when your having to look after a newborn. Pour all your love, time, money into them.

drpet49 · 07/06/2023 13:45

Mbop · 07/06/2023 12:53

In your position I'd terminate.

So would I

NextTimeItsOver · 07/06/2023 13:45

I'd terminate too. I wouldn't want a child to be born with a father that doesn't want it. It's unfair on the kid. (It's different if women purposefully choose to have a kid as a solo parent)
There will be a big age gap between a newborn and your daughter. I would disregard any thoughts about having a sibling for her. It might be different if they were close in age.
It sounds like you have a fulfilling and happy life. There are too many risks having a child as a single parent.
What happpens if your boyfriend wants t play a big part in bringing up a child. It might work out but it might cause problems.

Also, why on earth did neither of you think to use birth control 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️. It's too late now but really!!!!!!

Hibernatalie · 07/06/2023 13:49

It’s totally up to you, but if I was in your situation I would terminate. This was an accident. I would stick with one, enjoy her, enjoy my life.

WetBandits · 07/06/2023 13:49

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/06/2023 13:11

Always see these comments, like a termination is a solve all.

A termination is a huge deal with life long emotional trauma associated, even when you are very sure of the decision.

I'm pro-choice. OP should have the choice. In certain situations it would be a choice I would make. But don't treat it like a throw away all sorted solution.

You'll see people pregnant and think you could have been that stage, or see someone with 2 kids and wonder what could have been. Wonder who they would have been. It can still hurt, even while knowing you made the right choice for you. It's a choice you should have the chance to make, but it's a choice you carry. How much it hurts can depend on why you made the choice. Those who weren't sure or made it because they felt backed into a corner will often struggle more than those who made the choice for themselves and were absolutely sure.

Show quote history

I’m sorry if that’s been your experience but it is a very personal decision and reaction, not every woman who terminates will feel this way. For some women it might be emotionally traumatic for the rest of their lives but others really do think of their experience as an ‘all sorted solution’. I’m just glad we live in a country where it can be an all sorted solution.

Moni81 · 07/06/2023 13:53

I think the only decision here to make is if you want another baby or not regardless of your new partner involvement. Yes there are things to consider if you see yourself as single mum of 2 etc. and you are most likely right it can be your last shot to have baby as realistically you are at the end of fertile years. I don't want to be brutal, but when it comes to new partner of 2 months, 10 years younger than you and not wanting kids now, this relationship may not last even if you go for abortion. So in my opinion it's only you versus decision of keeping baby or not, if you think you will keep partner by doing abortion you may end up surprised and disappointed.

Original poster
HJ82 · 07/06/2023 13:58

@Moni81 I already told him I’m done. I’m not a stop gap lol.

OP posts:
notokaywiththetropes · 07/06/2023 14:04

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/06/2023 13:11

Always see these comments, like a termination is a solve all.

A termination is a huge deal with life long emotional trauma associated, even when you are very sure of the decision.

I'm pro-choice. OP should have the choice. In certain situations it would be a choice I would make. But don't treat it like a throw away all sorted solution.

You'll see people pregnant and think you could have been that stage, or see someone with 2 kids and wonder what could have been. Wonder who they would have been. It can still hurt, even while knowing you made the right choice for you. It's a choice you should have the chance to make, but it's a choice you carry. How much it hurts can depend on why you made the choice. Those who weren't sure or made it because they felt backed into a corner will often struggle more than those who made the choice for themselves and were absolutely sure.

Show quote history

A termination is a huge deal with life long emotional trauma associated, even when you are very sure of the decision

I'm a lurker but registered just to comment on the above. It's really not ok to keep repeating this notion. It's NOT a massive trauma for everyone, far from it. Repeated surveys have established that the most common emotion for women after abortion is relief, and that few people regret it.

For a lot of us, there is no real emotional trauma at all, we do not wonder and dream about what could have been. We had an abortion because we had to or wanted to and that was pretty much that. I'm not traumatised by it, and neither is anyone I know (apart from one woman who was pushed into it, which makes sense).

I'm not saying that this is an easy decision for OP, though it sounds like she has already made her decision, but PLEASE stop trying to perpetuate the trope that abortion is a life long trauma. You don't appear to have any actual experience and should not talk for women who have. It's harmful and its reductive and its not ok to advise on the emotional aspect of an experience you have not had.

OP, I wish you luck. It sounds to me like you've already decided, but take your time to make sure.

overwork · 07/06/2023 14:16

A huge deal with long emotional trauma associated even when you are very sure of the decision?
Good grief. I couldn't even begin to advise on this situation, but one thing I can say for certain is that following my abortion I did not experience the slightest twinge of life long emotional trauma. I felt that a weight had been lifted the second I left the hospital, and I barely think about it these days, except it response to nonsense like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2023 14:27

A termination is a huge deal with life long emotional trauma associated

As is having an unplanned child that you mentally, physically and financially can't cope with.

Sometimes there is no perfect answer and we just have to deal with it.