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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant at 41 (father doesn’t want a baby rn)

59 replies

HJ82 · 07/06/2023 07:58

Hello
this is my 2nd pregnancy. My DD took 3 years to conceive with my long term partner (even tried ivf). Separated from her father at 1yr old.. Fast forward 3 years and I met a great guy 2 months ago. 3rd time having sex and I’m pregnant. (I know I should have used contraception) 🤦🏻‍♀️ he doesn’t want a baby right now. He’s 30. I’ve told him it’s now or never if he wants to be with me because I won’t be trying in a few years time and he does want a child one day.

he said he’s support my decision but prefers to terminate.I don’t want to trap him so I’ve ended our connection. reality is, if I have this baby I’ll likely be a single mum with 2 kids and two dads. (my worst nightmare tbh)

Already have great coparent situation and I have so much freedom and joy in my life. I’m booked to have the pregnancy terminated (I’m 4weeks) but this decision is so painful. Like it’s my last chance to have a sibling for my girl. But financially in London with no family and the only person who supports me mentally and physically (not financially) is my coparent and obviously he thinks I’d be insane to have a child under these circumstances. I guess I’m just looking for advice and validation of my choice to end the pregnancy.

I’m so torn by this. But having a baby would impact my mental health and finance and freedom in a way I’m not sure I could cope with. If I was with the dad I’d go for it btw…

am I making the right decision? Anyone been here? 😔

OP posts:
Bubblyb00b · 10/06/2023 17:45

OMG, what a hard situation to be in! You should not ask anyone OP. Its completely up to you - your body, your life. Whatever you do, it will be a right decision. Big hug.

AfricanGrey · 10/06/2023 18:03

MenoRageisReal · 07/06/2023 23:45

but having a termination has a life-long impact on you and your mental health

You can't say this like it's a given fact! There are plenty of women who terminate and feel relief and get on with their lives with no MH repercussions at all. Such a sweeping statement that does NOT apply to everyone.

I agree. Were extremely lucky to be in a country where safe abortion is accessible.

I didn't feel traumatised at all, I was extremely relieved and have never regretted it.

borntobequiet · 10/06/2023 18:13

A termination is a huge deal with life long emotional trauma associated, even when you are very sure of the decision.

It certainly isn’t for everyone. For many it’s a huge sense of relief and the memory fades quite quickly.

OP, you do have a difficult choice, and I feel for you. I hope you can make the right one for you.

ArseMenagerie · 10/06/2023 18:42

Never regretted my termination and felt wild relief.

Not sure you’ll feel that OP, but that’s not to say it isn’t the right thing.
I think include your daughter very much in your thinking on this: what will the impact be for her and you if you have a baby/ terminate

Wishing you well

GoodChat · 10/06/2023 18:51

It sounds like you know what the best decision for you is, OP, but you feel guilty.

You have to put you and your existing child first. Whatever you decide to you, you'll know it's what's best, even if it's not perfect. Neither option is going to be easy or guilt-free.

whiteroseredrose · 10/06/2023 20:10

borntobequiet · 10/06/2023 18:13

A termination is a huge deal with life long emotional trauma associated, even when you are very sure of the decision.

It certainly isn’t for everyone. For many it’s a huge sense of relief and the memory fades quite quickly.

OP, you do have a difficult choice, and I feel for you. I hope you can make the right one for you.

It wasn't a big deal for me. No regrets ever.

LadyBird1973 · 12/06/2023 08:07

Whatever you do will have pluses and minuses and if you terminate the pg, I think it's natural to feel sad about it. But that doesn't mean it isn't the right decision. But only you can decide - sometimes going ahead with a pg is wrong for all practical reasons but women make a decision based on emotion. Neither is a bad choice, just different. The main thing is that it is your choice and don't be swayed by a man who may or may not be part of the picture in the long term.

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2023 07:35

HJ82 · 07/06/2023 12:14

Also adding that I love my freedom. I go out, do bottomless brunches, gigs festivals etc etc. I’ve a beautiful child already and I can go from devoted mother to solo fun with the girlies at the drop of a hat. It sounds selfish but if I have this baby, I may say goodbye to ME. My lifestyle. My joy in a sense (my self love joy). I’d feel I’d just be a mum and a mum only. And fear that may result in depression etc.

Only you can make this decision, HJ.

Don't worry about having another child to give your daughter a sibling, only children are fine. Also, be independent. The father is not ready for children right now so leave him out of your decision (he may be interested if you have the baby, and step up; he's probably panicking now).

The important issue is whether or not you are able to cope with a baby on your own. From what you said in your above post, you have a good life as you are so ask yourself, are you happy to rock the boat? You have a choice but I know it isn't easy.

Good luck to you.

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2023 07:37

African Grey

MenoRageisReal · 07/06/2023 23:45

but having a termination has a life-long impact on you and your mental health
...
You can't say this like it's a given fact! There are plenty of women who terminate and feel relief and get on with their lives with no MH repercussions at all. Such a sweeping statement that does NOT apply to everyone.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I agree, most people move on fairly easily, especially if they have a good life.

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