Pregnant at 41 (father doesn’t want a baby rn)

[HJ82]

Hello
this is my 2nd pregnancy. My DD took 3 years to conceive with my long term partner (even tried ivf). Separated from her father at 1yr old.. Fast forward 3 years and I met a great guy 2 months ago. 3rd time having sex and I’m pregnant. (I know I should have used contraception) 🤦🏻‍♀️ he doesn’t want a baby right now. He’s 30. I’ve told him it’s now or never if he wants to be with me because I won’t be trying in a few years time and he does want a child one day.

he said he’s support my decision but prefers to terminate.I don’t want to trap him so I’ve ended our connection. reality is, if I have this baby I’ll likely be a single mum with 2 kids and two dads. (my worst nightmare tbh)

Already have great coparent situation and I have so much freedom and joy in my life. I’m booked to have the pregnancy terminated (I’m 4weeks) but this decision is so painful. Like it’s my last chance to have a sibling for my girl. But financially in London with no family and the only person who supports me mentally and physically (not financially) is my coparent and obviously he thinks I’d be insane to have a child under these circumstances. I guess I’m just looking for advice and validation of my choice to end the pregnancy.

I’m so torn by this. But having a baby would impact my mental health and finance and freedom in a way I’m not sure I could cope with. If I was with the dad I’d go for it btw…

am I making the right decision? Anyone been here? 😔

I'd absolutely terminate tbh
I'm a practical person assessing the impact on yours and your daughter life id protect what I have now - wistful thinking doesn't change any of the real practical issues you've already identified that you'd have to overcome

Well, I had 2 DC- at 35 and 41- with 2 different dads, and I'm now a single mum. The difference being that the first one was an accident and the second one was tried for! First dad has no contact, but the second one (although not great) has them both EOW.

It is tough. Combined with the perimenopause, and very little support, I do feel I'm struggling (I'm also autistic).

I can see glimmers of light- the eldest is now 13 and, although capable of being an absolute little git at times, is fun and easy about 75% of the time now- gets up before me, brings me coffee in bed, gets himself together and out to catch the school bus independently.

His brother is probably an easier personality, but younger so still needier. And god, the bickering and fighting sometimes, I just can't be doing with it! That's something you never have to worry about with only children.

And yes, I do mourn my lost life. They're just on the cusp of being able to be left alone now for a couple of hours....I can almost smell the freedom! It's been 13 years since I could just....walk out of the house when they're there 😬

So, swings and roundabouts. I don't regret it, but it has been fucking tough.

Also, I've had several terminations and did not suffer emotional trauma with any of them 🙄.

I found having 2 DC much harder than 1. I was an older parent too. There's so much less time for me, more squabbles, more tiredness. I hope to get back some space for me eventually. I love them both equally, but found it hard. Rewarding, but hard. I wouldn't be without either of them now.

Having said that I agree with the PP that an abortion doesn't need to be a lifelong trauma, but a relief in some cases.

Good luck with your decision.

not all terminations are life long trauma and it is not in anyone's interests pretend it is.

for some people they don't want a child and they have a termination and that is it. it may cross your mind every now and then just like any memory of surgery does.

Only you know how you feel about termination or how you will manage with 2 children alone.

being a single parent with no support in london will be hard. rose tinted glasses are great but the reality of needing wraparound child care, constant sick leave, behavioural changes etc etc is a big burden to manage alone.

If you desperately want any baby go into it with the reality of the situation not the flowery version. don't let it hit you like struck post party and over prepare.

As an aside i am my mothers only child and we have an excellent relationship. my childhood was great and i never longed for a sibling, had a great social and extra curricular life. And i see her every week :)

I had an abortion and have not experienced life long emotional trauma. If I had have continued with an unwanted pregnancy - that would have caused life long emotional trauma for myself and several other people too. We need to change the narrative on abortion. It isn’t always the right thing to do in every situation, but sometimes it is and that is absolutely OK.

In which case, terminate. It's not selfish. It's more selfish to bring a child into the world that you can't cope with. You're using strong terms here, it's tough. Good luck.

Your life and set up sounds great and in all honesty I think you’d be mad to give that up and it would probably make your daughters life worse rather than better.

FWIW I’ve had an abortion and didn’t suffer lifelong trauma 🙄

Good luck whatever you choose 💐

It sounds like you're in a really great position, fitter, great freedom, solid coparenting. Two is definitely more than twice as hard even with a partner/ coparent. You'd need to pay for a babysitter for every bottomless brunch until they're play date age and wouldn't be able to go on one for a good while anyway.

Second snows tend to be easier becuase even if they're harder it's not all totally new but I don't think I could go back to being on choking hazard patrol and alert round the clock again.

Given the context you've added, I think you're absolutely making the right decision for you and your daughter. As hard as I'm sure it is.

I'd terminate without question. Focus resources on your existing child.

From all you have said, it sounds as though you’re trying to convince someone that you shouldn’t have the baby. Are you feeling you need to justify it to yourself or someone else?

I wouldn’t terminate in your position as I know I would never get over it and for me it would be a huge trauma. For some it isn’t, as is stated in this thread, but you have the best insight into you and your emotions and personality.

Another vote for being someone who didn’t have a single moment of trauma from a termination….

OP, your current daughter could probably have a much better life with you and her dad focused on her. Just thinking about good schools, and support through uni, help with house deposits etc. All doable with 1 child and two parents even if parents aren’t wealthy, but harder with two.

On the other hand maybe your daughter would absolutely love having a sibling and both would have support and have a great life with each other. I was very lonely at Christmas time for example as an only child.

Your first post made me feel like you shouldn’t terminate but your subsequent posts about how difficult you found pregnancy and find motherhood make me feel differently and that perhaps proceeding with this pregnancy isn’t wise.

Another aspect is, your first child was bought into the world with two parents who wanted her, and has the benefit of a father who loves her and you in her life.

This second child would be facing very different circumstances and a father who doesn’t want them and might not be involved in their life at all. That’s a pretty big disadvantage for a kid to knowingly give them from the outset.

Only you can decide, good luck xx

its worth accessing some counselling before making a decision as this will just help you clarify your thoughts and be clear what you want to do thinking of both head and heart. research indicates that the impact of a terminaiton is much less if your heart and head are alligned and you feel confident with your decision. theres a good resource that sometimes people have found useful to think through their decision: untitled (sexualhealthsheffield.nhs.uk) it can be worth writing down your reasons to and thinking through which option you feel you can cope with best- theres no right or wrong its what feels right at this moment. theres so many times we have 'what if moments' and its one of those and we will never know which was the right one for certain but its almost which one feels right with so many unknown variables . if you decide to terminate, even if its the right thing sometimes the few weeks after can be hard as the hormones leave your body, this does not mean it was not the right decision but its worth being prepared as often the clinics tell you about the physical process but dont warn you that some women can really struggle as the hormones reallign. wishing you all the best whatever you decide x

but having a termination has a life-long impact on you and your mental health

You can't say this like it's a given fact! There are plenty of women who terminate and feel relief and get on with their lives with no MH repercussions at all. Such a sweeping statement that does NOT apply to everyone.

@HowcanIhelp123 A termination is a huge deal with life long emotional trauma associated, even when you are very sure of the decision.

For you maybe. Not for me or for many women I know who chose to terminate in various circumstances. I barely remember I've had one until things like this pop up.

OP I would talk things through with a professional therapist and make the best decision for you. Termination isn't always some terrible awful thing, at all.

This post makes me think that you should seriously consider the termination.

You struggled with the baby years and you have a good balanced lifestyle now.

I'd be concerned that you are already worried that you might become depressed.

At 41 this probably is your last chance but it sounds like you weren't actually planning on having another child until this happened.

@crackofdoom what about dating? That crosses my mind too. I’d like to find a life long partner soon as I’ve now been single 3 years. I’m ready for love again. I can’t imagine how I’d date etc with 2 kids and def not with a baby joined to me. So I’d essentially be putting that away for years.

If you genuinely have always thought one and done, an accidental pregnancy doesn't change all the reasons that you thought that.

I had one and seldom think about it. No regrets whatsoever.

Being a "struggling single mum" with two fatherless kids and zero prospects of ever attracting a partner would have a lot worse effect on my mental health.

What about dating?

Well, I've always managed...

I met DS2's father when DS1 was 2, and I had no time off and support whatsoever. Initially went on dates using a babysitter, then I'm afraid he pushed to escalate quite fast, and met DS1 after a few weeks (but I don't think it matters so much to a toddler- they're not particularly aware of who "mummy's friend" is!). It turned out OK luckily - although he's supremely useless DS1 now calls him Dad, and both DC go to him EOW. (They love it, mainly because they get unlimited screen time and junk food, and don't have to wash or go to bed on time 🙄)

So, now I have EOW to date. It can make it difficult to arrange dates, but if a man is keen he will go the extra distance to keep those evenings free for you. I have had various men push to meet the kids earlier than I feel comfortable with, but I'm better at keeping them at arm's length nowadays. There's been nobody serious for many a year- having young DC does put a lot of potential candidates off unfortunately (I found this out by running Bumble and Tinder simultaneously for a brief period. On Bumble you mention the kids in the initial information, there isn't a box for that on Tinder. I discovered that I got a load of likes from guys on Tinder who hadn't liked me on Bumble).

But also, I'm very picky, am looking for quite a rare collection of attributes in a man, and unfortunately single men in their 40s and 50s are generally not a promising bunch.

What a shitty, nasty post. Reported. Have a good look at yourself, and do better.

@notokaywiththetropes thank you. I kept seeing that comment and thought am I really selfish choosing my existing lifestyle over bringing a child into the world. It was hurtful. Reality is you do need support! If I got sick and had no one then how would I manage. Who would care for that child. You have to consider the practicalities of raising a child completely alone.

Honestly, unless you definitely want this child.... I would terminate. It sounds like a very big change to your life, and not one you would enjoy. It sounds like you have a great balance with your existing DD and you would lose that.

But you are only 4 weeks. You have some time to think about this, and I think you owe it to yourself to be really sure about your decision one way or the other. Take your time. Talk to someone in real life.

Similar situation but I was a lot younger, had nothing and had to give up uni etc, obviously difficult time and even friends who were generally against termination basically said I had so much to lose that they would totally understand if took that option. Fast forward 20 years and have the most wonderful daughter who is now at uni herself , did eventually finish uni and working in my dream job, happily married and very happy generally.