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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

AITA for getting upset with my partner for ditching me at a wedding?

58 replies

Clouds1991 · 05/06/2023 09:09

My husband (31M) and I (31F) attended a wedding last weekend, it was a beautiful wedding with lots of his friends there and I was his plus one. The night before I asked my partner to check in with me/not ditch me or at least try to include me as i'm 20 weeks pregnant obviously, not drinking and driving us there and back (2 hour away/ 4 hours in total).
I was a bit nervous as i wouldn't be drinking either and for context, it was the first big event we have attended after finding out the baby news. I find some of his 'group' intimidating and they can often be 'clicky'- he is well aware of my feelings on the subject.
During the reception, I struggled to find him. He never looked for me or asked me if wanted a drink. I spoke to people, mingled on my own and met some lovely people. But I couldn't shake the feeling he just kind of dropped me contrary to what we had agreed. I thought don't worry- he'll try later on, he's just saying hi to all his friends...
When we all sat down for dinner (we were on seperate tables- absolutely fine), during the meal, he didn't check on me. Didnt even come over to say hi or even include me when he went to the bar. I saw a few other people's partners doing this as lots of couples were not sitting together. Me being 20 weeks pregnant, I felt a tinge of embrassessment.
After, the dinner I said something to him reminding him about what we spoke about the night/day before and spending some time with me. As the night went on it only got worse, he avoided me, and if I asked him to sit with me for a bit, he would go for a cigarette instead, he knows I don't want to be around second-hand smoke. I asked him to sit with me once, he made an excuse about going to the toilet and never came back. Leaving me with one of his friends who wouldn't stop touching my stomach (annoying but its drunk people being drunk.)
If I was near my partner talking to others, he would make jokes about my 'big' boobs in front of his friends. I tried one last time to talk to him, as it was making me upset, but all he did was look over at his friends saying he missing out, just by being sat with me and walked off.
All of his friends were drunk and didn't want to be around the sober person which was fine but meant I was often alone for long periods of time from 12pm to 12am. When I asked to leave at 12 am (the time to wedding ended), he tried to say about staying longer and tried to get others to pressure me as well.
I felt so disregarded, I haven't said much to him since but the pain is still there. When we got home, he spend the day sleeping so, didn't have a chance to even speak about it.
I haven't said anything yet, and if you ask - he has been on nights out recently even one that week- he went out drinking to 2am (so, its not like he hasn't been able to have 'his fun').

Just one day, I wanted his consideration. Apart of me thinks some people would be like let him have his fun but it was a 12 hour period, during that period he never came over once to me to ask if his pregnant wife was okay.
I have a right to be upset don't I ? Or am I being an asshole for being upset? I know it was his friend's wedding but I have never felt more unloved.

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 05/06/2023 09:12

He’s a selfish prick OP, I hope he pulls his socks up sharpish but people rarely change.

flipent · 05/06/2023 09:14

Pregnant or not, that behavior sounds bizarre.
Being on separate tables for dinner is also unusual, I thought it was normal to sit couples together!
Think I would have taken the car and left him to it at about 8pm!

Newusernameaug · 05/06/2023 09:15

I’d say dump him but sadly your pregnant so not that easy.

This is only the beginning, how much do you think a baby will stop him socialising, or not? I’d be slowly making plans in the background to leave him eventually, I also wouldn’t and didn’t stand to be treated like this. It took my until my son was 18 months old to walk away.

supadupapupascupa · 05/06/2023 09:15

I'd have left. Driven home without him to be honest

WilkinsonM · 05/06/2023 09:20

Oh dear
im afraid you're going to regret having a baby with that prick sooner or later

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 05/06/2023 09:20

This is horrible and I would also be upset. I hope it's not an indication of how selfish he will be once the baby is born x

DailyEnergyCrisis · 05/06/2023 09:21

That’s awful- so selfish. If you can, leave him before the baby comes- he’ll only get worse as a neglectful parent sadly.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/06/2023 09:23

He is incredibly selfish and unfortunately that is one trait that is very hard to change. Did he actually want the baby? It doesn't sound as though he did.

mushroommummy · 05/06/2023 09:25

What a prick!! That really doesn’t bode well for the future. no wonder you’re upset when he sobers up/you get the chance he really needs to know that that’s not ok by a long stretch.

Abouttimemum · 05/06/2023 09:25

Oh dear! I fear for you when the baby comes - he’s going to be ‘one of those’ that just carries on with his life like nothing has changed. I’m sorry OP, he’s a man child.

scoobycute · 05/06/2023 09:34

Eugh how rotten! I hate that feeling at social events and I'm currently pregnant so understand the whole thing. Your husband was really thoughtless and selfish on this occasion.

Some of the replies here are a little dramatic about leaving him based on this one story. Partners aren't perfect and people mess up. Disappointing that you talked to him before the event and he still acted like this.

My advice is not "LTB". You need to talk to him when he's done being hungover and tell him how much this has disappointed and upset you. Work through the problems. Be honest and direct.

Most (not all) Fathers do change when baby comes...it's not all about wanting to socialise like before...their priorities shift when they realise how life changing and incredible having a child is. Try not to worry that this kind of behaviour will continue. He's likely blowing off steam before baby arrives - I'm not excusing his behaviour btw.

Clouds1991 · 05/06/2023 09:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SouthwestSis · 05/06/2023 09:44

You're not being unreasonable OP, sounds like he was being pretty selfish. Is this a pattern of selfish behaviour or more of a 1 off?

Lesson learnt, he hasn't gone out of his way to be a good partner to you here so you won't be offering any more lifts again. Sounds like he takes you for granted so make sure you have strict boundaries and don't let him take the piss.
Your talk the night before meant he knew how this behaviour would affect you and did it anyway.

Simplelobsterhat · 05/06/2023 09:46

He sounds really inconsiderate. the only thing I would question is were you expecting him to sit with you away from his friends (not including in the seating plan which is bizarre but not his fault)? It's not quite clear.

You should expect to be included (and much more respect than he was showing you!) but not necessarily that he should be keeping you company away from his friends. Otherwise there is no point going to the wedding! If you didn't want to hang out with his friends you could have declined the invitation and he go alone. However, if you were happy to mingle, or only stepped away from them because he was embarrassing you about your boobs / if one if them was rude to you or so something, then he was being very unreasonable!

TheChosenTwo · 05/06/2023 09:51

Wow, what an arse!
And odd that you were seated completely separately given that you didn’t really know anyone else there.
Think I’d have thrown the towel in early evening, gone and said “I’m not having a good time so I’m leaving, you can make your own way back,” as it sounds like he didn’t want to spend time with you, just wanted the lift home! Selfish git.

LadyBird1973 · 05/06/2023 09:52

He sounds horrible. You should have gone home and left him there. When I was younger I tolerated a lot of bad behaviour from people that I wouldn't put up with now. I think you aren't going to leave him because you are pregnant but tbh, I think that's what should happen. A man who loves you doesn't just fuck off and leave you alone and he certainly doesn't make jokes that embarrass you so that he looks the big man to his friends. Actually, he won't look the big man - they don't say anything but his mates (and definitely their partners) will think he's an absolute prick! And they wouldn't be wrong.

You deserve better. In staying there and driving him home, you sent the message that this behaviour is okay - if you don't put a stop to it now, this will be your life. I've seen it play out on my brother's friends (he has a big group of mates who didn't grow up despite being in their 30s snd 40s) and it didn't end well.

Original poster

Clouds1991 · 05/06/2023 09:53

Normally at a wedding couples are put together but, they separated all partners, but this was fine/their wedding- do as you will. I talked to those around me easily. I didn't expect him to move or anything, just make come over and say in between a course maybe- the dinner was like 3 hours long. I saw lots of people doing this.

He just never came over or even looked at me.

After he ignored me, I asked him to come sit so we could at least talk about what we had agreed etc. Hoping to stop it from getting worse/hoping to end the night well. That didnt happen sadly.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 05/06/2023 09:59

He sounds very selfish and thoughtless. I'd be having a serious talk with him today.

FernGully43 · 05/06/2023 10:04

Oh dear. This is a man you should leave. You're married to a selfish prick and it'll just get worse after baby is here. Make plans to leave

FernGully43 · 05/06/2023 10:05

Pressed too soon.

Make plans to leave if you need to go down that option in future. Protect yourself. I can't imagine my husband doing that to me even if I weren't pregnant.

2chocolateoranges · 05/06/2023 10:07

Oh dear, this doesn’t bode well.

if asking the first time he hadn’t changed his attitude I would have got in the car and driven home, don’t let him treat you like shit .

ZenNudist · 05/06/2023 10:12

supadupapupascupa · 05/06/2023 09:15

I'd have left. Driven home without him to be honest

This. You are a saint for sticking it out til midnight. 10pm would have been a perfectly good time to go.

Did you have to go to the wedding? You know in future to not go to similar events when you are driver. Make sure he does his share of driving when you have a drink!

UpsyDaisysarmpit · 05/06/2023 10:18

Definitely not at all anything wrong with you - he is definitely in the wrong here. I would see this as not a good sign for the future. Only you know if it's worth salvaging or not, but if he can't treat you with a basic level of consideration when you are pregnant then when can he, quite honestly?! When the baby is born, there is a tendency for the special treatment given to the pregnant lady to shift over to the baby anyway. How will he be then?

SheilaFentiman · 05/06/2023 10:23

Wow, you are certainly not TA.

tova · 05/06/2023 10:30

My EXH used to do this to me at every wedding, party or event. It would make me feel so stupid and horrible. He had this need to be the life and soul of the party and for everyone to see how amazing he was. Half the time it wasn't his friends he was ignoring me to speak to but total strangers that he'd never met before and it was all about getting everyone to love him.
I left him eventually although this wasn't the reason why but looking back now it is one of those things that sticks in my mind and reminds me of the type of partner he was. It's so much nicer going to weddings and parties without him now.
I'm not saying it's a reason to leave your husband, but if it's part of a bigger picture of how he treats you (and if this isn't just a one off then I'd imagine it is), I'd be having serious words with him about it at the very least.

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