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Original poster

AITA for getting upset with my partner for ditching me at a wedding?

58 replies

Clouds1991 · 05/06/2023 09:09

My husband (31M) and I (31F) attended a wedding last weekend, it was a beautiful wedding with lots of his friends there and I was his plus one. The night before I asked my partner to check in with me/not ditch me or at least try to include me as i'm 20 weeks pregnant obviously, not drinking and driving us there and back (2 hour away/ 4 hours in total).
I was a bit nervous as i wouldn't be drinking either and for context, it was the first big event we have attended after finding out the baby news. I find some of his 'group' intimidating and they can often be 'clicky'- he is well aware of my feelings on the subject.
During the reception, I struggled to find him. He never looked for me or asked me if wanted a drink. I spoke to people, mingled on my own and met some lovely people. But I couldn't shake the feeling he just kind of dropped me contrary to what we had agreed. I thought don't worry- he'll try later on, he's just saying hi to all his friends...
When we all sat down for dinner (we were on seperate tables- absolutely fine), during the meal, he didn't check on me. Didnt even come over to say hi or even include me when he went to the bar. I saw a few other people's partners doing this as lots of couples were not sitting together. Me being 20 weeks pregnant, I felt a tinge of embrassessment.
After, the dinner I said something to him reminding him about what we spoke about the night/day before and spending some time with me. As the night went on it only got worse, he avoided me, and if I asked him to sit with me for a bit, he would go for a cigarette instead, he knows I don't want to be around second-hand smoke. I asked him to sit with me once, he made an excuse about going to the toilet and never came back. Leaving me with one of his friends who wouldn't stop touching my stomach (annoying but its drunk people being drunk.)
If I was near my partner talking to others, he would make jokes about my 'big' boobs in front of his friends. I tried one last time to talk to him, as it was making me upset, but all he did was look over at his friends saying he missing out, just by being sat with me and walked off.
All of his friends were drunk and didn't want to be around the sober person which was fine but meant I was often alone for long periods of time from 12pm to 12am. When I asked to leave at 12 am (the time to wedding ended), he tried to say about staying longer and tried to get others to pressure me as well.
I felt so disregarded, I haven't said much to him since but the pain is still there. When we got home, he spend the day sleeping so, didn't have a chance to even speak about it.
I haven't said anything yet, and if you ask - he has been on nights out recently even one that week- he went out drinking to 2am (so, its not like he hasn't been able to have 'his fun').

Just one day, I wanted his consideration. Apart of me thinks some people would be like let him have his fun but it was a 12 hour period, during that period he never came over once to me to ask if his pregnant wife was okay.
I have a right to be upset don't I ? Or am I being an asshole for being upset? I know it was his friend's wedding but I have never felt more unloved.

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 14:40

He’s a truly selfish cunt.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 14:42

The way you accept this and doubt yourself, says to me you’re probably putting up with some pretty awful behaviour from this twat of a man-child.

This is not a normal way to treat your pregnant wife.

Break down his behaviour in other ways and examine in, these things are never in isolation.

GiantHog · 05/06/2023 14:45

wow, I would have left immediately, I would not tolerate this at all

hugefanofcheese · 05/06/2023 14:47

Immature and thoughtless to leave you alone all night when you don't know anyone. Obv you're a grown woman and can make conversation etc but how enjoyable really is that guaranteed to be all night with strangers? Could be brilliant fun, could be deadly dull and awkward hence he should have, as agreed, come over and spoken to you from time to time and even included you in the conversation with his friends.

That's really not cricket and I think you deserve an apology. Are there other examples of this selfishness or was it a true one off where he got carried away?

Clouds1991 · 05/06/2023 14:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

barbarahunter · 05/06/2023 15:02

I had an ex like this, too. It is really hurtful and upsetting. I think you know that he is not going to change.

Original poster
Clouds1991 · 05/06/2023 15:03

i had hoped the baby would make him more self aware but it seems to not matter to him either way.

OP posts:
StopMindlesslyScrolling · 05/06/2023 15:15

When I was pregnant my DH was nurturing and keen to be by my side and "show me off" (awful phrase, but can't think how else to say it).

He took those nurturing and attention skills into fatherhood.

In a few years time I'll bet that you attend another wedding and you'll be sober again in charge of your toddler, whilst your "D"H acts like a single man, getting drunk and socialising.

He's showing you who he is; believe him.

LadyBird1973 · 05/06/2023 16:46

You have to ask yourself if this is the kind of behaviour you want modelled to your child. Your child will form all their ideas on what relationships should be based on what they see growing up.

It's easier to leave now rather than later. He might turn out to be a decent co parent in the long run but he's a terrible partner - he has no respect for you and I can't see him being any better when you have the pressures of a new baby.

Floppyelf · 05/06/2023 16:48

What’s with the reddit style opening posts?

NeverThatSerious · 05/06/2023 16:51

You’re not the first by any stretch of the imagination but it never fails to baffle me that women get pregnant by men and then expect said pregnancy and subsequent baby to magically make the man a better person. It doesn’t work like that. I see you’ve said he’s got form for this behaviour, unfortunately he isn’t going to change OP.

Mmhmmn · 05/06/2023 16:59

Clouds1991 · 05/06/2023 09:09

My husband (31M) and I (31F) attended a wedding last weekend, it was a beautiful wedding with lots of his friends there and I was his plus one. The night before I asked my partner to check in with me/not ditch me or at least try to include me as i'm 20 weeks pregnant obviously, not drinking and driving us there and back (2 hour away/ 4 hours in total).
I was a bit nervous as i wouldn't be drinking either and for context, it was the first big event we have attended after finding out the baby news. I find some of his 'group' intimidating and they can often be 'clicky'- he is well aware of my feelings on the subject.
During the reception, I struggled to find him. He never looked for me or asked me if wanted a drink. I spoke to people, mingled on my own and met some lovely people. But I couldn't shake the feeling he just kind of dropped me contrary to what we had agreed. I thought don't worry- he'll try later on, he's just saying hi to all his friends...
When we all sat down for dinner (we were on seperate tables- absolutely fine), during the meal, he didn't check on me. Didnt even come over to say hi or even include me when he went to the bar. I saw a few other people's partners doing this as lots of couples were not sitting together. Me being 20 weeks pregnant, I felt a tinge of embrassessment.
After, the dinner I said something to him reminding him about what we spoke about the night/day before and spending some time with me. As the night went on it only got worse, he avoided me, and if I asked him to sit with me for a bit, he would go for a cigarette instead, he knows I don't want to be around second-hand smoke. I asked him to sit with me once, he made an excuse about going to the toilet and never came back. Leaving me with one of his friends who wouldn't stop touching my stomach (annoying but its drunk people being drunk.)
If I was near my partner talking to others, he would make jokes about my 'big' boobs in front of his friends. I tried one last time to talk to him, as it was making me upset, but all he did was look over at his friends saying he missing out, just by being sat with me and walked off.
All of his friends were drunk and didn't want to be around the sober person which was fine but meant I was often alone for long periods of time from 12pm to 12am. When I asked to leave at 12 am (the time to wedding ended), he tried to say about staying longer and tried to get others to pressure me as well.
I felt so disregarded, I haven't said much to him since but the pain is still there. When we got home, he spend the day sleeping so, didn't have a chance to even speak about it.
I haven't said anything yet, and if you ask - he has been on nights out recently even one that week- he went out drinking to 2am (so, its not like he hasn't been able to have 'his fun').

Just one day, I wanted his consideration. Apart of me thinks some people would be like let him have his fun but it was a 12 hour period, during that period he never came over once to me to ask if his pregnant wife was okay.
I have a right to be upset don't I ? Or am I being an asshole for being upset? I know it was his friend's wedding but I have never felt more unloved.

He is most definitely the asshole.

So sorry to read about this behaviour, what a lonely time you had and what it shows about him. (Giant inconsiderate, selfish man-baby). Awful. Just awful. Possibly AS WELL AS yourself, someone who cares about you also having a word with him about how unacceptable that behaviour is and the need to pull his fucking socks up sharpish might be helpful in making him understand. Is that an option?

Cherchezlafemme77 · 05/06/2023 17:04

He sounds like a selfish dick, but you also sound incredibly needy. Being 20 weeks pregnant isn't the humongously important thing you think it is, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to get a bit more independent?

Cherchezlafemme77 · 05/06/2023 17:07

Cherchezlafemme77 · 05/06/2023 17:04

He sounds like a selfish dick, but you also sound incredibly needy. Being 20 weeks pregnant isn't the humongously important thing you think it is, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to get a bit more independent?

... obviously it's important to you, but need you be quite so precious about it?

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/06/2023 17:15

I'm very independent of my dh and not at all needy of him socially, as I get him all the time at home. But fuck me, if someone is being your chauffeur and has a 2 hour drive back you at the very least leave whenever they want and are incredibly grateful. You also check up on them regularly to see whether they are still OK to carry on or would like to leave. Even if they aren't pregnant, but all the more so if they are, as it's normal they would get more tired.

flipent · 05/06/2023 17:18

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/06/2023 17:15

I'm very independent of my dh and not at all needy of him socially, as I get him all the time at home. But fuck me, if someone is being your chauffeur and has a 2 hour drive back you at the very least leave whenever they want and are incredibly grateful. You also check up on them regularly to see whether they are still OK to carry on or would like to leave. Even if they aren't pregnant, but all the more so if they are, as it's normal they would get more tired.

100% This.

Cherchezlafemme77 · 05/06/2023 17:25

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/06/2023 17:15

I'm very independent of my dh and not at all needy of him socially, as I get him all the time at home. But fuck me, if someone is being your chauffeur and has a 2 hour drive back you at the very least leave whenever they want and are incredibly grateful. You also check up on them regularly to see whether they are still OK to carry on or would like to leave. Even if they aren't pregnant, but all the more so if they are, as it's normal they would get more tired.

Only if that person is a child. Adults are accountable for themselves.

lankyhanky · 05/06/2023 17:30

Not sure what you being 20 weeks pregnant has to do with the narrative. He sounds like a prick though for ignoring you the whole time. Good luck raising a baby with him he sounds utterly selfish.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/06/2023 17:33

I think it's incredibly easy to get carried away around your mates. Especially at something like a wedding where it's possible there were people there he hadn't seen in ages or spent time with like that properly.
That said, he should not be ditching you. You were his date and as his date you should have been a priority. Check in, dance, chat with, socialise with and involve.

I'd be really hurt if I were you.

Climbles · 05/06/2023 17:35

I’m normally one of the ones saying ‘it’s fine’ on these kind of threads as I think being able to be independent is really important in relationships. But it sounds like he was absolutely taking the piss.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 05/06/2023 17:45

If I went to any event with someone and they made a point of socializing with everyone except me I would wonder what the hell was wrong with me, or them, or both of us. That is just not normal, or even very polite, especially as you were driving.

MadeofCheeese · 05/06/2023 17:47

Oh dear. From the many threads we see on here it sounds like you are in for doing to majority of the childcare.
I think you need to take an afternoon and raise this and remind him that you and the baby are now priority.
Everyone deserves time to themselves and leisure time but his attitude is areal red flag.

Fraaahnces · 05/06/2023 17:50

Things do not bode well for when the baby comes. I really hope you live near your parents. He’s going to be fucking useless.

Original poster
Clouds1991 · 05/06/2023 18:03

I’m not a sensitive fairy or precious as implied, I’m a very independent.

being 20 weeks pregnant - isn’t about being pregnant, it’s about being sober and being around a lot of people who were drinking- who don’t want to hang out with the sober person/party pooper. You try talk to people but they want people on the same level. I don’t blame them but the one person who could talk to me/include me didn’t.

And I knew this would happen as that group are all heavy drinkers. Only one wasn’t drinking and they left at 7pm after the dinner

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 05/06/2023 18:43

Lots of women feel like shit when they're pregnant, or get tired more easily. It's also boring being sober at a wedding where you know few people. A decent husband would keep her company and bring her drinks, check she's okay. Not make jokes at her expense and treat her leith such disrespect. He's disgusting.