My pregnancy is making my colleague miserable

[Frogglingalong]

Want some advice. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, told my team at work (other than my line manager who already knew) a couple of weeks ago. My maternity leave job has now been advertised so now everyone knows.

I work in a close team with 8 of us sharing an office. One of my colleagues, when I told the team, immediately rushed out. She has since essentially moved out of the office, and has found somewhere else to work, and only appears a couple of times a day to get something- literally running in and out with her head down and not talking to anyone.

My line manager confirmed my suspicion that this has been hard news for her, but she (LM) hopes she will get used to it. I don't see that happening, I feel like it's getting worse, to the extent that I'm not sure if I should sit near her if I see her in the break room, etc, because she will look so uncomfortable if I even say hi. We were previously quite close, I went to her wedding etc.

I do understand these things can be painful, I actually lost my first pregnancy last summer in the second trimester as I had to have a termination because baby's organs were failing. A friend of mine got pregnant a week before I did last time and seeing her get bigger and have her daughter was painful and required quite a lot of therapy to get through, but I'm in a much better place now. So it's horrible knowing I'm causing someone else similar pain.

What should I do? Actively avoid her as much as possible? Should I try and talk to her (she doesn't know about the termination, presumably she thinks my journey to getting this far has been blissfully easy). Or just wait to go on maternity leave in the summer?

I think she’s putting you in a very hard position. The way I see it is that it’s her problem, not yours. Carry on as normal, she should be adult enough to say she’s perhaps finding it hard but wishes you well? I understand it can be tough for her but you’re at work.

If you've been close in the past I'd try and talk to her. Say I can tell your uncomfortable around me since my pregnancy was announced and although you do not have to share anything with me I can see its a difficult time for you. It has been a painful road to get to this stage and I can understand why it's painful for others but please look past my pregnancy and see I'm still your friend when your ready.

Something like that, it may be a totally different reason she's uncomfortable but it's not to do with you, it's her so just let her know you understand and try not to take her behavior personal.

I wouldn't try and talk to her - that does seem an extreme reaction to run out the room. Let her have time to process. You don't have that long to get through before your mat leave anyway.

I would maybe reach out and talk to her, let her know that you completely understand how she feels if she opens up to you. It is so very hard to see other people live out your dream when you either struggle to concieve or have had a loss. I agree she is an adult but she is clearly hurting and sometimes it's hard to think rationally when your emotions take over. At least you can say you tried and it may just help you both. Hope it can be sorted for both of your sakes ❤️

I know this is good intentioned, but I think your suggestion of what to say sounds really patronising.

I have been struggling with fertility for 4 years now. I understand your colleague's pain (although wouldn't and have never reacted this way).

I would probably recommend you don't initiate any conversations about this unless you are really good friends with her (outside of just work), and it's impacting your friendship.

It is a very intimate thing and you may just make her more uncomfortable.

Leave her to process her feelings, her manager is obviously supporting her and she is working from a different location.

If you see her it's fine to say hi - at the end of the day it's her responsibility to process her feelings and avoid situation if she needs to. She needs to talk to you if she is finding things difficult. It's not your place or your responsibility to initiate a discussion about it really.

I wouldn't talk to her. Her reaction is extreme even though she's in pain. Surely she can avoid every pregnant woman. You'll be on maternity leave soon anyway so won't have to see her.

Gosh, that is an extreme reaction from your colleague. I think it might be best to just be polite to her but keep your distance until you go on maternity leave. I would worry that trying to talk to her might get out of hand if she gets very upset or feels cornered by you (even if you try to be very careful with how you bring it up).

I also agree I would not broach the subject with her. Her emotions are obviously very close to the surface and I think she could become very upset and it could make the situation worse. I'm sure you wouldn't want a scene at the office. Perhaps in a few weeks she will feel better about the situation.

I have been in a similar, less dramatic situation with a family member and it is very hard to know that your news is hurtful to them even though that is totally unintentional. I have to admit I've worked in a lot of places and during that time a lot of people have had babies and I've never heard of a reaction like this so I am sure it's shocked you and I would also worry about the best thing to do x

Id probably email or message her to say sorry this is hard, if there's anything that would make it easier and still her friend even if she'd rather avoid.

Hi just wondering would yous say evap line or positive pregnancy

Don't try to talk to her. It's probably best to keep it professional with her and only say anything more than a polite hello or goodbye if your job requires it. If it is affecting work then it is for her and your manager to work through.

Eh??

@Frogglingalong I am in no way saying what she is doing is right but I’ve just had a MMC and my colleagues daughter in law was/is pregnant same time she was two weeks behind me we work in a really small office so I can’t avoid it but I know once I go back to work it will be really hard for me listening to her talking about it and scan pictures. People going through fertility problems don’t dislike you because you are pregnant we are happy for you (just don’t show it sometimes) it just brings up so much in our minds and it make us sad that it keeps going wrong for us 🫶🏻 please reach out to her don’t apologise just say that you are there for her because it’s not you or her fault in any way it’s just how ur mind makes you feel that u are not good enough and everyone is happy but you 💔

congratulations on your pregnancy 🤰🏼 x

I actually think talking, messaging her etc is going to be worse as it points out that everyone knows/notices what she's going through. The best words are none at all imho.

Do absolutely nothing.

You aren't the problem here. I understand it may be difficult for her but that's not your fault & you also shouldn't let it detract from your happiness at this time.

I'd expect my manager to tell her to grow up.

OP you are not putting someone else in pain. She knows you're pregnant and it's her choice to deal with it how she's dealing with it, and as sad as that is, that's on her, not you. She cant possible avoid every pregnant woman for ever.

And I do get it, I lost my second pregnancy when me and my two best friends were all pregnant at the same time. It was a difficult period but I was happy for them, plus I was surrounded by other pregnant women at the centre I used to take my toddler to.

I know everyone deals with things differently but please don't think you need to do anything different as you sound lovely and like you're doing what you can to make her feel less uncomfortable. x

Just leave her alone. It's not about you but she's made it clear that your pregnancy is difficult for her and nothing you can say will make that better. She's doing what she has to do to get through the day so please don't make that harder for her.

And yes some people may mock her for the reaction but until you have been in that position you cannot begin to imagine how utterly hopeless and desperate you can feel.

Hi op, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I had similar when I was pregnant the first time. A very close friend/colleague was so upset that I was pregnant, she had a right go at me for telling her due to the struggles her and her husband had been suffering. I mean I couldn’t not tell her, she would have noticed etc and I said it in the most sensitive way I could think of at the time, but it made me feel so shit. I ended up losing the baby and she in turn felt awful for how she had spoken to me, but to be honest, I never really forgave her for how she made me feel. Obviously don’t rub it in your colleagues face, but it’s not your responsibility to shield her from this. You have been through that heartbreaking loss yourself, so you deserve to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I hope everything goes well for you and that your colleague, in time can be happy for you too xx

I wouldn't say anything
Work is not her safe space and she can't expect it to be a pregnancy free zone.

As long as she is completing her job role then nothing else needs to be done.

You don't need to accommodate her.

It's hard for her but at the end of the day, it's not like you can hide it or rubbed it in her face. You've not done anything wrong. I don't think you should talk to her face to face. Her actions have made it clear she is uncomfortable so she will feel cornered.

Depending on your friendship before you could message her, but again I don't see how you think telling her about your loss helps. You saying 'i know how it feels because this happened to me' is not helpful for a couple of reasons. First, you don't know what she's been through. She could also have had to terminate, had late losses, still borns, multiple miscarriages. Secondly, you're saying that, but she's going to think that sucks for you, but now you're pregnant again and are getting your chance to be a mum. You've been through it and now have your rainbow baby, she doesn't. It's going to come off preachy and patronising, and you're not going to be the person she wants to come to and talk to when you're the embodiment of what's triggering her.

She shouldn't be behaving this badly. Hopefully she comes to terms with it. You're doing nothing wrong, you deserve your happy and healthy baby. But you need to accept that she will likely distance herself from you during this pregnancy and is not personal.

This. How dare she make this so personal, brining her issues to work and make you feel so uncomfortable. Having fertility issues doesn’t give her the right to treat you or anyone else like this.

Absolutely do not say that.

OP. Unfortunately you are the last person who can help her. She needs to sort herself out or her manager needs to put her in touch with whatever helpline is available to employees. The manager is also in charge of making sure she does her job. Not you. You need to just do your job and if she does talk to you be civil. If she ignores you then consider reporting to HR for harassment.

I had a similar situation where a colleague suddenly turned on me out of jealousy and it was awful being ignored and yes the manager stepped in.

Do not do this