My pregnancy is making my colleague miserable

[Frogglingalong]

Want some advice. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, told my team at work (other than my line manager who already knew) a couple of weeks ago. My maternity leave job has now been advertised so now everyone knows.

I work in a close team with 8 of us sharing an office. One of my colleagues, when I told the team, immediately rushed out. She has since essentially moved out of the office, and has found somewhere else to work, and only appears a couple of times a day to get something- literally running in and out with her head down and not talking to anyone.

My line manager confirmed my suspicion that this has been hard news for her, but she (LM) hopes she will get used to it. I don't see that happening, I feel like it's getting worse, to the extent that I'm not sure if I should sit near her if I see her in the break room, etc, because she will look so uncomfortable if I even say hi. We were previously quite close, I went to her wedding etc.

I do understand these things can be painful, I actually lost my first pregnancy last summer in the second trimester as I had to have a termination because baby's organs were failing. A friend of mine got pregnant a week before I did last time and seeing her get bigger and have her daughter was painful and required quite a lot of therapy to get through, but I'm in a much better place now. So it's horrible knowing I'm causing someone else similar pain.

What should I do? Actively avoid her as much as possible? Should I try and talk to her (she doesn't know about the termination, presumably she thinks my journey to getting this far has been blissfully easy). Or just wait to go on maternity leave in the summer?

I would get another colleague to mention your baby loss to her.
I’m sorry for your loss.
people often assume it’s easy for everyone apart from them.

Sounds like you’ve never had fertility issues?

I had fertility issues, I couldn't get pregnant for 7 years and never ever carried on like this at work. I watched friends and colleagues announce their pregnancies, held their babies. Inside I was dying sometimes but I never ever showed it because it's work and it's a professional place and I was genuinely happy for them.

I'm shocked she's been allowed to continue on as she is because it doesn't sound like she's in the right frame of mind at the moment since she's needing an entirely separate work space away from everyone on the team, creating an atmosphere in the staff room and you're both very uncomfortable around one another.

Everyone has something which causes them pain. The colleague has no right to make this so extravagantly personal

I lost 7 babies during pregnancy and had to go through several rounds of IVF and I find her reaction extreme bordering on the ridiculous to be honest. If you are so close that you went to her wedding I'd reach out to her to be honest

Do not do a thing, this isn't your problem and anything you do but remaining neutral could be turned against you so just leave it.
Why should you have to share really personal information to appease someone due to their unprofessional behaviour?
I would expect my manager to have a word if she keeps up with this, it could be construed as bullying.

Congratulations on your pregnancy op, you should be able to enjoy it without other peoples dramatics.

I think the LM needs to sort it out. It's awful she's in pain but her behaviour isn't okay.

This is a place of work. The other woman is being wholly unprofessional and her behaviour is almost verging on bullying. Unacceptable

I’m glad my workplace doesn’t have such rigid ideas about what it is to be professional

How would it be if you sent her a "thinking of you" or similar kind of card in which you say something like

"I can see that it's painful for you to be around me at the moment and I just wanted to express my deepest sympathy and to say I respect your need for distance but hope we will be able to be friends again in future. I have my own experiences with pregnancy loss and grief and so will not presume to tell you how to feel, because I know that no one has the right to do that for any woman. But I hope we'll both be able to be professional with one another and I wish you all the very best."

Could something like that be received without causing further upset?

I have had a similar experience, although with a less extreme reaction.
When I was pregnant with my second, a colleague who I technically supervised, had a miscarriage. I was off sick with hyperemesis when it happened, so I wasn't in her face but eventually we both returned to work. She never knew that I knew about her miscarriage, my manager told me in confidence as her supervisor, but I said nothing, did nothing, just let her be. She was never unpleasant toward me at all, but probably a little distant and we never talked pregnancy/babies. This isn't a situation you want to be any more involved in than necessary, you can't do right for wrong at the moment so do nothing. If it escalates to the point where it is negatively impacting you and you work too much, just escalate to your manager and leave it with them. She may come round at some point. I took my baby into work when she was a few months old and my colleague cooed over her and seemed a lot more interested. She left while I was still on maternity leave but I still have her on social media and she has since announced her pregnancy with an ivf baby, so I'm thinking the change in her was her renewed hope starting ivf.

I had infertility for a very long time and during that time, a colleague got pregnant. Of course I found it hard, but I plastered a grin on my face and got on with interacting with her and my other colleagues in a normal way. She is not being professional at all but just leave her be. Talking won't help. I don't think she's behaving very well but that's her own business.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP and I’m so sorry about what you went through with your first child.

I’m not sure why people are assuming everyone who thinks she’s behaving in a very extreme way have no experience of fertility issues or baby loss, you have, as you’ve made clear. I had 5 mcs in a row and a colleague who was pregnant at the same time as one of them which ended in surgery and a difficult recovery. Work was work, it helped keep me sane and if I hadn’t been able to behave appropriately I’d have taken some time off and sought professional help with my feelings.

If it wasn’t you being pregnant it would be someone else, there are pregnant women everywhere and they’re not doing it to hurt other people who are having struggles. It’s just one of those really shit unfair things, there’s no justice when it comes to conception, pregnancy, delivery etc.

I wouldn’t approach her or involve colleagues by getting them to share your own medical history, it’s none of her business and probably wouldn’t help.

Carry on as normal and if her awkwardness is making things difficult have a chat with your manager. Her struggles aren’t your responsibility and she can’t go around making you feel bad.

Oh cripes no. While I’m sure this comes from a good place it’s not OP’s job to get involved and it sounds really patronising.

I’ve been trying to conceive for what feels like ages but is actually 9 months now- not long in the world of sub-fertility unfortunately!

I would say do not bring it up with her. She will know that it’s not your fault she isn’t pregnant, she doesn’t need an apology and any approach from you will probably come across as patronising, as well meaning as it is. Sometimes it’s just hard. It isn’t your fault. She should probably get some counselling or something if it is that hard to see pregnant friends but it’s not up to you to suggest it. Let her be sad and say hello and smile and chat as normal where possible.

It took me twenty years to conceive my child. I managed not to behave in an inappropriate manner to pregnant women during that time

I'd go with this but message it her, so she's not having to stand there I front of you whilst she processes what you're saying

Give her space.

Her behaviour is quite exaggerated but she’s obviously having a hard time. It’s not your job to fix it and neither can you. Keep in touch with HR and let them know about the hostile behaviour (running out of rooms) as this is unprofessional and creates a hostile environment for you - even if you chose to let it go it should be recorded.

Say hello if you run into each other and leave it at that.

Thank you all for the advice. I think I'm going to leave it for now- seeing as she's making such an effort to keep her distance, I don't think she'd appreciate me reaching out. I really hope things improve...

If they don’t please raise her behaviour with your line manager and/or HR. You have a right to go about your work without unnecessary awkwardness or discomfort. Your feelings matter too.

I wouldn't be pandering to this tbh. I'd expect my manager not to either.

It's not your problem and I would do absolutely nothing in your situation, except maybe not mention your pregnancy in front of her unless someone else refers to it (which is really just common sense).

I struggled to conceive DC2 and had a MC along the way but would never have dreamt of behaving like this to a pregnant colleague. Everyone has their struggles and their moments of joy.

How is everything now OP?