Anxiety about having a disabled child. Anyone else have this? Can you put a baby in care?

[Bolaflower]

I have anxiety and depression I overthink everything. If you have a disabled child are you able to put the baby In care?

I presume that any baby can go 'into care' if appropriate. ie their parent/s aren't able to look after them, are abusing them etc.

Is there a reason you are thinking about your baby being disabled? Is there a reason why you think a disabled baby would be better off in care than with you?

Have you spoken with your midwife about your thoughts?

Are you doing this alone? Can you share your worries with the baby's dad if not? They would absolutely have to be involved in such a decision.

Anyone can say they can’t look after their child, and yes the state would look after it, although they would aim to place it with a family member or the father, and if none of you could care for it long term then SS would move to adoption when possible.

However generally the chances of having a disabled child are small. Your actual problem is anxiety.

Can you speak to your GP on Monday? Is there a friend or family member you could talk to now or meet tomorrow? you need some support.

My aunt adopted twin with cystic fibrosis who's parents gave them up. She is her 80s now and the girls are in their 40s it's very very hard for her.

Does your GP know about your anxiety and depression? I would recommend speaking to them and the baby’s father about it. The truth is no one can predict the outcomes of any given pregnancy, unless there are clear markers that a condition is present during the scans.

If this is a genuine concern I would ask yourself I s it fair to get pregnant and give birth to a child knowing you will only keep them if they are able bodied. What happens later down the line if something becomes apparent, or they lose ability through illness or accident?

Are you worried about the baby being potentially disabled because of medical histories of either you or the father or generally worried about the health of the baby?

To answer your question, even if your baby is born completely healthy there are routes which you could purse if you felt you were unable to adequately care for the child.

All that aside, I think it would be hugely in your favour to discuss your anxiety and depression with your GP especially so if this is seeping into having intrusive thoughts about the ill health your baby.

You would not necessarily know about any disabilities at birth. I think that having a child involves risk. Ultimately most people commit to and love their children regardless. I have two children with disabilities. They are no less deserving of love than other children.

Are you actually pregnant? If you aren’t, please make sure you take precautions to ensure you don’t become so - at least, not without a responsible partner who will look after their child regardless.

When you have children you commit to any number of unknown variables, anything can crop up at any point....

If you are not pregnant now, please get help for your anxiety and depression now. It would be very damaging to the child to be brought up in such a situation.

You can put a baby in care at birth if you want. For whatever reason. Put it in one of those baby rescue boxes.

And if you have a child that has an accident and becomes disabled then you can call social services and see if they will take it away.

But it reflects so, so badly on you that you seem to think these are acceptable responses to your child having a disability.

Your problem isn't anxiety that you will have a disabled child, your problem is that you want to deal with this by abdicating your responsibility to that vulnerable child. Parenthood doesn't work like that.

And if I seem emotional about this, it is because I am disabled and I live with the daily reality of being treated as of lessor worth.

If your husband or someone you love deeply became disabled would you put them in care? There are so many points along the disability scale.
Maybe seek treatment for your anxiety.

GentlySobbing you are absolutely NOT of lesser worth. So sorry that people/society can make you feel that way. 💐💐

If you have anxiety and depression, those are disabilities.
And you're a person of worth, just like any disabled person.
So would a disabled child be, and they would deserve to be loved.

Usually a baby's best chance to be loved is by their parents.

But yes if you can't cope with a baby, there are options for you, such as adoption.

Did you post about your babies’ NT measurements earlier?

I have an irrational fear of this as well if I’m completely honest - not so much physical disabilities but behavioural issues. I read some of the threads by parents at their end of their tether with non sleeping, aggressive DC and a shiver goes down my spine.

I’m currently 31 weeks, and when I feel my nerves rearing up again I just tell myself how unlikely it is and that in the event there is anything wrong with DS then I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

is there anything specific you’re worried about?

This. My daughter has SEN, I don't love her any less than I would if she didn't. It wouldn't even have ever crossed my mind to place her 'in care'. And I'm a lone parent. If I thought along those lines before even having a child, I wouldn't have had one because I'd have been a terrible parent.

Would you really feel better giving the child away? Wouldn’t you still feel responsible? What if they look for their birth parents and find that you had healthy children after them and kept them?

Like others say seek help for anxiety. I don’t think you’ll receive nice response about casting out a disabled child.

I think this fear goes in to everyone's heads somewhere.

My daughter was born a week overdue & was fine, a few hours later she was in ICU as she suffered a stroke.

Things happen that you didn't even know could happen, or things you've never heard of. Also things can go 'normally' & nothing 'bad' ever happens.

You could have a healthy baby then 17 years later he/she had something life changing happen & then they're disabled.

Whatever happens, you find a way to cope.
The anxiety is the worst bit. Trust me, I know that. Your brain likes to give you all sorts of worst case scenarios.

Also it's not as clear as to say 'can you put the baby in to care', you're forgetting that's YOUR baby. But if you're not a parent then I suppose it's easy to think 'That's ok, I'll just put them in to care should anything go wrong'.

I'm no preacher by the way, I didn't even want to hold my daughter when she was born, my maternal instinct if you want to call it that, kicked in only when she was wired up in an incubator & I couldn't hold her.

Pregnant or not, try to seek help for your anxiety.

Oh stop it.

OP is a pregnant woman and full of irrational fears about the future. I was too. The babies will arrive, she will love them and things will be fine.

Whatever she thinks or does is not a judgement of your child, entirely separate issues.

By “into care”, do you mean like day care/nursery?

Glad you understand it's not easy to have a conversation like this. Everyone on the post judging if it was a clear-cut answer there wouldn't be specific exceptions to abort foetuses with ds.